This is 64: Multi-Hyphenate Stephanie Weaver Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I think the mental vitality one has as a 60+ person can be amazing, and the creative bursts sometimes surprise me."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Sometimes you’ll find responses from writers, musicians, and artists you’ve heard of—like Kate Pierson, Neko Case, Rosie O’Donnell, Ava Duvernay, Jerry Saltz, Lucy Sante, magazine legend Tom Junod, Ricki Lake, Hilma Wolitzer, Elizabeth Gilbert, Judith Viorst, Cheryl Strayed, Deesha Philyaw, Chloe Caldwell, etc.—but more often it will be people (of all ages) you haven’t heard of, Humans of New York-style. (Check out all the Oldster interviews…)
Here, public speaking coach, public health administrator, and author Stephanie Weaver responds. -Sari Botton
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Stephanie Weaver, MPH embodies resilience and transformation. With a rich career spanning museum storytelling, public health, and speaker coaching, she has worked across diverse landscapes – from The San Diego Zoo to The White House. A world traveler who embarked on a solo journey through Southeast Asia at 28, Weaver has curated TEDxSanDiego, coached hundreds of speakers, and authored five books that illuminate the power of personal narrative.
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How old are you?
64.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
Emotionally and spiritually, I feel like I’m in my early 50s. It was a particularly wonderful time for me in terms of my work, my relationship with my partner, and my health. The year I turned 50 I decided to say yes to everything within reason. I followed a passion and started a food blog, relearned photography, learned how to write recipes, and began volunteering for TEDxSanDiego, all of which changed my professional and personal life.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I live with multiple chronic illnesses, so this is difficult for me to answer. I feel mid-60s in age most days, and late 70s when I’m particularly creaky. People tell me I look younger than I am, although I can see the toll chronic pain has taken on my face.
Right before I turned 61 my husband and I moved into a 55+ community in northern San Diego County. I was not expecting it to challenge my sense of identity as much as it has. When I’m walking my golden retriever, one house will be playing Count Basie and the next house is blasting Guns N Roses. It took me several years to feel like I belonged here, as I didn’t ever picture myself in a community of Oldsters. We felt ancient in our former neighborhood among all the young hipster families. Now we’re the whippersnappers. It’s hard not to think about mortality and identity living next door to 90-year-olds and watching people go through end-of-life health crises.
My identity is more in flux now than it has been in a long time. Partly because the language is so limiting. I don’t feel like whatever a “senior citizen” is. I like elder. I like Oldster. I have never felt like a Boomer and I relate more to GenX culture. When I learned about Generation Jones, I felt seen.
What do you like about being your age?
Turning 50 gave me immense freedom to redefine myself and who I wanted to be. I turned 60 during the pandemic and unexpectedly developed crippling anxiety and anger about my safety as an immunocompromised person. It’s taken me time and more therapy to deal with that anxiety and to figure out who I want to be now, at this age. I always want to be of service. But what does that mean surrounded by lonely people who might need caregiving? How do I balance that with self-care?
What is difficult about being your age?
Something always hurts and there’s not much room for rebounding. I envy people who can go to the gym, work out, or do strenuous things. I don’t mind the invisibility that comes with being a 60+ woman. Since I own my own business and work from home, I haven’t been hit with age discrimination. My husband unexpectedly had open heart surgery on Christmas Eve, so for the first time I was the caregiver instead of the person needing care. That role reversal was unexpectedly challenging. Thankfully he is recovering beautifully.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
When I look at photos of my mother at my age, she looked a lot older. Her hair, her makeup, her clothes. It’s like she got trapped in amber in the late Seventies. I think the mental vitality one has as a 60+ person can be amazing, and the creative bursts sometimes surprise me.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Physically, aging has taken from me. Emotionally and spiritually, I’m a much more peaceful, content person. I don’t have the drive I used to have to build a business or keep up, and that feels rather delightful.
Right before I turned 61 my husband and I moved into a 55+ community in northern San Diego County. I was not expecting it to challenge my sense of identity as much as it has. When I’m walking my golden retriever, one house will be playing Count Basie and the next house is blasting Guns N Roses. It’s hard not to think about mortality and identity living next door to 90-year-olds and watching people go through end-of-life health crises.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
I don’t see myself as a wise old crone yet, but I’m not 35 either. My identity is more in flux now than it has been in a long time. Partly because the language is so limiting. I don’t feel like whatever a “senior citizen” is. I like elder. I like Oldster. I have never felt like a Boomer and I relate more to GenX culture. When I learned about Generation Jones, I felt seen.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I thought I’d have a big party when I turned 60, and COVID decided that wasn’t going to happen. We did a milestone trip to France for my 50th, and that was a peak life highlight. So perhaps I’ll shoot for a big trip this year or next.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
Aside from my early 50s, I’d say 35.
When I was young I read a book built on the premise that we go through predictable seven-year life periods, each with its own key task. I’ve taken that to heart and have made a point of thinking about each seven-year period and what I want to accomplish.
Turning 35, I decided I was not going to stay in Chicago and spent a year designing my future life. I researched temperate climate cities, chose San Diego, worked on getting a job out here, and moved myself across the country alone. I had just one friend in my new city and no family nearby. I am so proud of that younger version of me, as it was the best possible thing I could have done for myself. I have felt more myself in Southern California than anywhere else I’ve lived.
I would go back to that age only so I could meet my husband and experience falling in love with him again.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
My sister re-started her life at age 70 and is having a blast. While she’s a grandmother of five and helps her kids out when they need it, she’s traveling, making new friends, throwing game nights, and generally living her best life.
When I was 30 I began having unrelenting nightmares, which signaled the process of recovering memories of my childhood sexual abuse. Dealing with that in therapy, confronting my father, then having to cut ties with my parents for more than a decade was something I wouldn’t wish on another person. Going through that process of healing and coming out the other side showed me how incredibly strong and resilient I am.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I remember in my 40s it was difficult finding clothes that suited me, as I didn’t have a clearly defined style. Ann Taylor was too corporate, Talbots too preppy, Eileen Fisher too baggy. I’m a no-frills makeup and hair person, and menopause keeps changing my hair texture. I finally figured out that my style is Tailored Bohemian: embroidered jeans that fit nicely, tops with a lace inset (but no ruffles), the occasional pashmina. Sundance Catalog was my go-to for jeans before they closed.
The biggest adjustment relating to my health was the realization during the pandemic that I’ve had a disordered relationship with food since age 19. Specifically: controlling food for “health reasons.” For forty years. Counting calories or trying every health-based diet fad (South Beach, Whole 30, paleo, gluten-free, intermittent fasting). Tracking food, in my head, in writing, or on an app.
I vowed I would not go another forty years with this behavior and deleted MyFitnessPal in late 2020. I spent 2024 working with a disordered eating recovery coach. It’s wild for me to just drizzle salad dressing without measuring it, buy Pop-Tarts if they sound good to me, and not remember what I had for breakfast.
I had to give up the idea of my “goal weight,” an artificial number that ruled my life those years. I have leveled out 15 pounds above that number, and while sometimes my slightly larger body feels a bit alien to me it’s a huge relief to let that food noise go. I’m not sure I’ll ever reach body positivity, but I’m happy to have reached body neutrality.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
Learned helplessness and refusing to keep up with technology. Both drive me batty, especially when there is some amazing age-supportive technology available and on the horizon that will help us all live independently. I hear my neighbors say they “don’t text” or they don’t know how to order groceries, and I want to scream.
Physically, aging has taken from me. Emotionally and spiritually, I’m a much more peaceful, content person. I don’t have the drive I used to have to build a business or keep up, and that feels rather delightful.
What turn of events had the biggest impact on your life? What took your life in a different direction, for better or worse?
When I was 30 I began having unrelenting nightmares, which signaled the process of recovering memories of my childhood sexual abuse. Dealing with that in therapy, confronting my father, then having to cut ties with my parents for more than a decade was something I wouldn’t wish on another person. Going through that process of healing and coming out the other side showed me how incredibly strong and resilient I am. Deciding to forgive my parents, despite their ongoing denial, was the best gift I ever gave myself. It’s why I wrote my latest book, Bitter, Sweet: How to Heal Yourself When Your Family is Broken.
What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you’d do differently?
If you’d asked me this a decade ago, I would have mentioned either of the two times where I allowed myself to be treated poorly by a guy. I was so ashamed about it. I’ve been able to forgive myself for those moments and recognize that I was doing the best I could at the time. It gives me compassion toward others who might be making similar mistakes. I spend no time regretting things.
What is high up on your “bucket list?” What do you hope to achieve, attain, or plain enjoy before you die?
I’ve been fortunate enough by circumstance and work to have traveled quite a lot. There are places I’d still love to visit, but I don’t consider any of that a must-do. My husband and I met later in life. I was 38 and he was 40 when we married. We promised each other a 50th wedding anniversary followed by a joint spontaneous combustion. Here’s hoping.
The biggest adjustment relating to my health was the realization during the pandemic that I’ve had a disordered relationship with food since age 19. Specifically: controlling food for “health reasons.” For forty years. Counting calories or trying every health-based diet fad. I vowed I would not go another forty years with this behavior and deleted MyFitnessPal in late 2020. I spent 2024 working with a disordered eating recovery coach.
Is there a piece of advice you were given, that you live by? If so, what was it, and who offered it to you?
It was a question. My neighbor Joe Fitzpatrick used to drive around the neighborhood in a tiny Toyota pickup with his menagerie of little dogs. One bright, hot day he stopped to chat in the intersection near my house. He asked, “When are you going to write your book?” At the time, it hadn’t occurred to me that I had “a” book, let alone five books in me. His question changed my life.
What are your plans for your body when you’re done using it? Burial? Cremation? Body Farm? Other? And what do you expect to happen to your “soul” or “spirit” after you die?
I’m an organ donor, so if there’s anything of value to harvest, they are welcome to it. After that, I’m hoping for an earth-friendly water cremation (aquamation) followed by planting in a garden.
I like to think that our souls are eternal. I’m not super stoked if it turns out that reincarnation is a thing, as once around is enough for me. If there’s a heaven, I just want to be with my husband, my favorite people, and all the dogs.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
Having grown up in a family where gifts came with strings and guilt attached, it’s taken me a long time to let go of the desire to be wildly celebrated for my birthday. It’s the one time I still enjoy being on Facebook, as I hear from a lot of people. For people who love to celebrate birthdays, I’m all in. My husband is perfectly happy if his is not mentioned, so our compromise is that I give him a card and one present and bake him a cake. No singing. He showers me with gifts. Everyone is happy.
I’m so grateful for the beautiful lives and perspectives shared here. I know I shouldn’t feel alone in aging, as I belong to the biggest generation ever! But I do sometimes. And Stephanie even gave me a new generation to belong to. I am a Joneser! Who knew? Thanks for taking me through your life and providing a new perspective on my own.
Stephanie Weaver is awesome. Her inner strength and her ability to tackle her personal demons is impressive. I loved reading her interview.