This is 56: Ricki Lake Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I've been through a lot of shit, but I've always come out evolved on the other side. I keep rising over and over again, and I'm going to again."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, actress, documentary filmmaker, talk show host, and Gen X icon —who recently lost her home and all her possessions in the L.A. Fires—responds. -Sari Botton
is an Emmy-winning actress, documentary filmmaker, and television host who first rose to fame at age 18, starring in John Waters' Hairspray. Known for her groundbreaking talk show and for producing The Business of Being Born, she's become a passionate advocate for informed choice in childbirth. A self-described "phoenix rising from the ashes," Lake has demonstrated remarkable resilience through personal losses and transformations, including the death of her second husband and recently losing her Malibu dream home to wildfires. She writes the newsletter .
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How old are you?
I'm 56 years young!
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
I associate with being 18 to 19, when I shot and released Hairspray. That's when my life really started for me—it went from 3D to 5D overnight. John Waters was my Willy Wonka, opening every door. That time of unknown adventure and everyone falling in love with me—I still tap into that energy.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I definitely feel more youthful than my age. My Oura Ring even confirms it! I'm in great physical shape—I just lost 35-40 pounds naturally and kept it off. But I also own all my life experience. My husband Ross and I are contemporaries—he's 58, I'm 56—and we share all those great cultural references from back in the day.
John Waters gave me the best advice before Hairspray came out. He said, "Your life is about to change, and I really want you to remember these three things: Always stay humble. Always stay true to yourself. And if you're going to read and believe the good things people write about you, you're going to have to read and believe the bad." That kept me grounded.
What do you like about being your age?
I don't really give a shit what anybody else thinks of me anymore. That cliché about turning 50 and suddenly realizing what others think of you is none of your business—that really happened to me. It was like a light switch. I feel very sure of who I am now.
What is difficult about being your age?
You know what? I don't think there's anything difficult! I don't even have aches and pains because I take care of my body and eat much better than I used to. Maybe just having less time ahead of us, but Ross and I found each other at exactly the right moment. We're empty-nesters who know and like who we are. We just want a good 20 to 25 years together—quality over quantity.
I don't really give a shit what anybody else thinks of me anymore. That cliché about turning 50 and suddenly realizing what others think of you is none of your business—that really happened to me. It was like a light switch. I feel very sure of who I am now.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
The 50s seemed so old when I was young! When I think about the Golden Girls, they were in their 40s doing that show. It's so strange to be my age but feel so young—it's like a different planet. Owning my gray hair has been a badass move, too. I did it out of necessity when I shaved my head right before COVID, but then I just surrendered to it.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me wisdom, knowledge of myself, and the ability to set boundaries. I've gotten so much better at saying no and doing what I want to do. What has it taken away? I guess my youth, but I feel more youthful and playful than ever. I've simplified my life—especially now after losing my possessions in the fire. We're minimalists with three suitcases to our name, but we have each other, which is really home.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
I've just gotten better with age. I really like who I've become. A lot of it has to do with the trauma I've gone through—I've been through a lot of shit, but I've always come out evolved on the other side. I keep rising over and over again, and I'm going to again.
What has aging taken away? I guess my youth, but I feel more youthful and playful than ever. I've simplified my life—especially now after losing my possessions in the fire. We're minimalists with three suitcases to our name, but we have each other, which is really home.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you "missed," and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
You won't believe this, but I'm 56 and still get my period—I haven't gone through menopause yet! Never had a hot flash, though I do have some symptoms like dry eye. I'm actually ready to let go of my period. I'm involved in this project called The Midlife Monologues, and they say once you're no longer releasing eggs, you go into this other mode with all this energy. It's actually really exciting.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I love celebrating every birthday - I'm a Virgo, 9/21. My 40th was incredible - after my first marriage ended, I threw myself a wedding to myself in my backyard in Brentwood. My 50th was killer too. I made this amazing list of everything I'd achieved and overcome between 40 and 50. I'm doing the same list now for my 50s - just added losing my home and everything in it.
You won't believe this, but I'm 56 and still get my period—I haven't gone through menopause yet! Never had a hot flash, though I do have some symptoms like dry eye. I'm actually ready to let go of my period. I'm involved in this project called The Midlife Monologues, and they say once you're no longer releasing eggs, you go into this other mode with all this energy. It's actually really exciting.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
Paulina Porizkova has become my friend, and I really admire her. She's so beautifully authentic with her whole thing about beauty and being "between Betty White and J.Lo." What she says just resonates. I see my relationship with Ross reflected in her relationship with her boyfriend Jeff—that playfulness and defying aging.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I'll make a big reveal: after losing 40 pounds naturally through keto and working out, I had some loose skin, so I had my neck and lower face lifted and a CO2 laser treatment. Dr. Alan Foulad is a genius—I don't have a single scar. I'm very privileged that I could afford to do that. It's about informed choice, like everything else in my life.
There are several pivotal moments: getting Hairspray was a game changer, 9/11 was a huge catalyst that changed my trajectory, my second husband Christian dying, and now my house burning down. They're mostly negative events that ended up being positive. So many gifts came from losing my partner and learning about mental illness. All these obstacles have made me a better me.
What's an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
I don't ever want to live in assisted living or a nursing home. I wanted to die on my land in Malibu. We had two rocking chairs where we planned to grow old together. We were even building an ADU (accessory dwelling unit) for an elder care nurse. I don't want to die in a hospital either. My friend Alua Arthur is a death doula. Like I said earlier, it's about quality over quantity.
What turn of events had the biggest impact on your life? What took your life in a different direction, for better or worse?
There are several pivotal moments: getting Hairspray was a game changer, 9/11 was a huge catalyst that changed my trajectory, my second husband Christian dying, and now my house burning down. They're mostly negative events that ended up being positive. So many gifts came from losing my partner and learning about mental illness. All these obstacles have made me a better me.
What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you'd do differently?
I don't have many regrets—all my mistakes turned into lessons. The thing I joke about is not going backstage at Hamilton when I had the chance. But then the universe gave me something better—I ended up sitting next to Lin-Manuel Miranda on a six-hour flight and got to chat with him the whole time. That's why my Substack is called
!I'll make a big reveal: after losing 40 pounds naturally through keto and working out, I had some loose skin, so I had my neck and lower face lifted and a CO2 laser treatment. Dr. Alan Foulad is a genius—I don't have a single scar. I'm very privileged that I could afford to do that. It's about informed choice, like everything else in my life.
What is high up on your "bucket list?" What do you hope to achieve, attain, or plain enjoy before you die?
I pretty much live my life like a bucket list! I've already done so many amazing things—won an Emmy, found true love (three times in my life!), had dinner with Mel Brooks at the Savoy in London where he sang the Inquisition song with me. The universe just keeps bringing me magical experiences.
Is there a piece of advice you were given, that you live by? If so, what was it, and who offered it to you?
John Waters gave me the best advice before Hairspray came out. He said, "Your life is about to change, and I really want you to remember these three things: Always stay humble. Always stay true to yourself. And if you're going to read and believe the good things people write about you, you're going to have to read and believe the bad." That kept me grounded.
I don't have many regrets—all my mistakes turned into lessons. The thing I joke about is not going backstage at Hamilton when I had the chance. But then the universe gave me something better—I ended up sitting next to Lin-Manuel Miranda on a six-hour flight and got to chat with him the whole time. That's why my Substack is called “Basically I’m Magic”.
What are your plans for your body when you're done using it? Burial? Cremation? Body Farm? Other? And what do you expect to happen to your "soul" or "spirit" after you die?
I want to be either cremated or put in a tree - definitely not buried. More importantly, I want a party! When Christian passed, I threw him a beautiful celebration where everyone wore white, and we celebrated on La Costa Beach with his favorite food and music. I want the same - I want people to know that I lived, that I lived the fuck out of this life! I don't want to take up space, and I want to be known for The Business of Being Born and its impact on the birth world.
In 2023, on the 15th anniversary of The Business of Being Born, Ricki Lake gave this interview to Romper:
What's your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
It's not even about the celebration really—it's about the people I'm with. I love honoring the day I was born. It took a lot to create and manifest this life I've lived, and it's gotten better and better as I've gotten older. What's the alternative? I mean, I had my neck done, but I still have gray hair—I own my age. I'm not trying to look younger. Every year is a new milestone. I was hoping to rebuild my house and celebrate my 60th there in four years—I don't think it'll happen by then, but I'm an optimist!
" We're minimalists with three suitcases to our name, but we have each other, which is really home." What a brave and loving statement! Also: gray hair with such a young face looks marvelous. This is a life-affirming woman!
I adore her! My Gen X heroes have held up! (Ricki, Molly, Demi, Ally, Phoebe)