This is 50: True Storytelling Pioneer Eva Tenuto Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"Age has taken away certainty. The older I get, the more I know that I don’t know anything at all."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, TMI Project executive director and founder Eva Tenuto responds.-Sari Botton

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P.S. A reminder that in my book, everyone who is alive and aging is considered an Oldster, and that every contributor to this magazine is the oldest they have ever been, which is interesting new territory for them—and interesting to me, the 58-year-old who publishes this.

When you see a piece featuring someone younger than you, try to remember when you were that age and how monumental it felt. Bring some curiosity to reading about how the person being featured is experiencing that age. Or, if you prefer, wait for the next piece featuring someone in your age group. Not every piece will speak to every reader. I’m doing my best to cover a lot of ground and to foster intergenerational conversation. Please work with me.

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Eva Tenuto at 50. Photo by Kristopher Johnson.

Eva Tenuto co-founded TMI Project in 2010, spearheading a movement using true storytelling as a liberation practice for social justice. With an unwavering commitment to releasing shame and stigma through true storytelling, Eva has propelled TMI Project from her living room to the United Nations, and many places in between. Since then, she has guided thousands of people to write and share their stories. Now, Eva is the co-host of the award-winning podcast, The TMI Project Story Hour, and the stories are being listened to around the world.  Eva is the editor and director of multiple solo shows, one of which was awarded Best Comedic Script in the United Solo Festival. Her essays have appeared in assorted anthologies and at Longreads.com. Her award-winning docu-short, Vicarious Resilience, celebrated its world premiere at The Woodstock Film Festival. Her latest docu-shorts, Locker Room Talk and Once Story at a Time: Celeste Lecesne, debut in 2024. You can find more information at evatenuto.com.

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How old are you?

50

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

33 pops into my head. I hear so many people talk about how they expect to see a younger version of themselves when they look in the mirror. I asked an 80-year-old friend when that stops happening. She said, “It doesn’t.” Once you hit a certain age, being shocked by your present-day reflection seems commonplace, but it doesn’t start until we reach adulthood. No one expects to look like a newborn at 10, or to look 10 when they’re 20. So, why do I expect to look 33 at 50? My mind still drifts back to the newer version of the adult-me.

My wife, Julie, was diagnosed with stage-4 triple negative breast cancer when she was 49 (she’s 51 now). All of a sudden our lives went from being concerned with more typical mid-life issues – realizing career aspirations and setting more ambitious goals, buying a house, becoming more aware of how unprepared we were for retirement – to concerns more often associated with old age.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I’m in a somewhat unique situation. My wife, Julie, was diagnosed with stage-4 triple negative breast cancer when she was 49 (she’s 51 now). All of a sudden our lives went from being concerned with more typical mid-life issues – realizing career aspirations and setting more ambitious goals, buying a house, becoming more aware of how unprepared we were for retirement – to concerns more often associated with old age. I was catapulted from being obsessed with my under-eye skin and buying anti-wrinkle cream with a vengeance, to spending days on end in hospitals, getting scripts filled, writing our wills and health care proxies, tracking passwords, making sure we’re beneficiaries on each others accounts, and having terribly hard conversations about how it feels to know her life will likely be shorter than we both expected.

Julie and I now have a heightened awareness about an uncertain future. To some degree, this is true for us all; Julie and I are just steeped in circumstances that make it hard to ignore. While our situation is riddled and somewhat terrifying, there are benefits to being acutely aware that what we have is precious. I’m more patient. She’s less of a perfectionist. Our relationship is the best it's ever been.

I realized there is an audacity to claiming to be in a mid-life crisis or to being middle-aged. It's wholly undeterminable until our lives are over. Julie and I have no idea how long our lives will go on. And, neither do you.

Eva Tenuto, left, with her wife, Julie Novak, when she was going through chemotherapy for stage four breast cancer. Julie Novak took the Oldster Magazine Questionnaire in August, 2022.

What do you like about being your age?

I’m good at taking care of myself. I got sober nearly 19 years ago. Until then I spent my adult years drinking my problems away. I don’t fight who I am anymore. I know I’m an alcoholic. I know I have clinical depression. I go to my meetings. I take my meds. Now, if an act of self-care has a component that backfires, I know it’s a temporary solution and steer clear of it. Baths rarely backfire. I take a lot of baths.

I like knowing I am good at a few things because I have been practicing them for years. For a long time I felt terrible at my job because I sort of fell into the role. In 2010, one of my theatrical endeavors actually worked out and snowballed. What I expected to be a one-night affair turned into my full-time gig running TMI Project. I always thought doing what I loved would only happen after work.

At first, it felt like I had manifested my dream job. In some ways, that was true. After years of waiting tables, tending bar, working retail, and selling everything from advertising to real estate, I still don’t take it for granted. But, in reality, I was a performer/director turned nonprofit executive director and I had no training. I was on a steep learning curve for a long time. Now I have been doing it for nearly 15 years. I still make mistakes and will always have more to learn, but I feel competent running the organization. Sometimes I even feel proficient.

Julie and I now have a heightened awareness about an uncertain future. To some degree, this is true for us all; Julie and I are just steeped in circumstances that make it hard to ignore. While our situation is riddled and somewhat terrifying, there are benefits to being acutely aware that what we have is precious. I’m more patient. She’s less of a perfectionist. Our relationship is the best it's ever been.

What is difficult about being your age?

I hate not knowing when I am going to get my period. I go six months without it and then it returns like it never went away. I have no predictable cycle to depend on. Am I tired, full of rage, and weepy because I am going to get my period or because the world is on fire? I never know.

But, hands down, the hardest thing for me about my age is that my body won’t allow me to do what makes my heart and spirit feel cared for and free. Dancing is my favorite thing in the world. It lights me up and brings me joy like nothing else.

I didn’t know until my late 40s that I was born with a spine with multiple deformities. As I got older, it started to cause nerve damage, making it impossible to stand for more than a few minutes at a time without my leg going numb. I was terrified to have surgery but once I found out that the next stage could be peeing and pooping my pants(!), the decision was a no-brainer. After I recovered, I felt free in my body in a way I hadn’t in years. It was amazing. I started dancing again.  I likely did too much too soon. And, as they say, the back bone's connected to the hip bone and so forth. After a lifetime of landing on my ankle and foot incorrectly from having a farkata spine, I now have ankle issues. It just felt so good to be free after being held back for so long. The thing I wish for more than anything is to have a full recovery and have more good years in this body doing what I love. I’m doing physical therapy and am hopeful I’ll get back to it soon.

Tenuto telling a story onstage at TMI Project’s first live performance, Too Much Information!, in 2010, at the Rosendale Theatre.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

What's surprising about being my age is being my age. Even though we are all aging every day, it feels so unexpected and unbelievable. Like Ma’am. When did Ma’am start? When did Prince become a regular on the Oldies station? I can’t believe I’m old enough to have the thought, “Young people today.”

I can’t believe I find myself asking questions like… Why are you reading an acceptance speech for an award off of your phone? Why did you think you didn’t have to come to work, or tell anyone you weren’t coming to work, just because you didn’t FEEL LIKE coming to work? I can’t believe it when younger people treat me like I’m old… You don’t know who Future is? You’ve never heard of gooning? You don’t know what a FUPA means?!? (I wish I could go back in time and still not know what FUPA means – don’t look it up.) I want to say to them defensively… You don’t know who Led Zepplin is?!? You don’t know how to read a map or tell time on a clock or write with a pen? You won’t make it a day when the grid goes down! But, while the grid is still intact, they win.

All of a sudden, I am my old Italian Aunt who can’t use a computer mouse. I’m my dad who thinks a Zoom meeting is a podcast. I’m a few years away from being the woman at the nursing home who introduced me to a group of elders by saying, “This is Eva. You can find her all over the gmail and in the google machine.” How did that happen?!?

They can do things ten times faster than me and remind me how dated my ways are. I say something naive like, “Can you write that down for me?”

“Uh, why don’t you just take a picture of it?” Insert eyeroll to express how stupid they think I am. I know this because it wasn't so long ago that I was the one giving the you’re-so-stupid eye roll.

All of a sudden, I am my old Italian Aunt who can’t use a computer mouse. I’m my dad who thinks a Zoom meeting is a podcast. I’m a few years away from being the woman at the nursing home who introduced me to a group of elders by saying, “This is Eva. You can find her all over the gmail and in the google machine.” How did that happen?!?

Oh, look, it’s me (Sari), left, with Julie Novak, center, and Eva Tenuto, right, back in 2011 when we all worked at TMI Project together. This photo was used to illustrate an article about TMI Project in a local paper. The reporter mistook us for a throuple, prompting us to label this photo “TMWives.”

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

It’s given me wrinkles and taken away my eyesight in equal measure. Recently, I bought a new cream called Power Redo Wrinkle Fix which claims to actually fill in your wrinkles. I asked Julie to take close-up before and after shots.

I looked at the before and was shocked. “How come you didn’t tell me I had mascara all over my face?!?” I couldn’t see it. I thought I didn’t have to tweeze my eyebrows anymore. It turns out, I just can’t see the stray hairs. Amazingly enough, the cream did work on fine lines, but I didn’t even know I had those yet!

Age has taken away certainty. The older I get, the more I know that I don’t know anything at all. I mean, there was just an earthquake in New York. The moon just passed by the sun. In a couple of weeks, billions of red-eyed insects will crawl their way out of the ground in what is being referred to as the cicadapocalypse. I’m terrified a reality TV star is going to be the death of us all. How can I know anything for sure?!?

I was such a know-it-all in early adulthood. I thought there was a right way and a wrong way. Of course, I always thought I was right. Not having to always be right means that now I can apologize when needed. Turns out, people like receiving warranted apologies more than they like unsolicited advice from a know-it-all, so my relationships are better too.

My trust issues are fading away. I used to want people to be trustworthy enough that I could count on them to take care of me. Now, I trust that people will always be exactly who they are and I trust I will take care of myself in their presence, no matter what. That formula has much better outcomes.

I’m good at taking care of myself. I got sober nearly 19 years ago. Until then I spent my adult years drinking my problems away. I don’t fight who I am anymore. I know I’m an alcoholic. I know I have clinical depression. I go to my meetings. I take my meds. Now, if an act of self-care has a component that backfires, I know it’s a temporary solution and steer clear of it. Baths rarely backfire. I take a lot of baths.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I’m not comfortable being treated like an older person yet. Whenever it is brought to my attention, I feel like someone has pointed out that I am wearing someone else's clothes. I’m not opposed to it. I just feel like I’m breaking in this identity-update like a pair of new shoes.

Tenuto, center right, and Novak, center left, a few years ago with their nephews.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I poured my life into my work and to some degree, it has paid off. I’m proud of what I have created. I am more financially stable. I don’t have a huge savings account, but I never worry about putting gas in my car or buying groceries. I still get excited about new developments and reaching professional milestones, but I’ve already done more than I thought I would do. I’m no longer fueled by ambition. If I died tomorrow I would feel satisfied with what I’ve accomplished during my lifetime.

Now, I don’t worry about regretting not writing that book or making that fill-in-the-blank.  I have more concerns about looking back and thinking, “I wish I hadn’t been so work obsessed. I wish I had spent more nights cuddled up on the couch, relaxing with Julie.”

Tenuto with her toddler niece, Lena.

I missed having biological babies. I really wanted to do that. I wanted to have the life experience of knowing the full capacity of my body to make another life and to give birth. That ship has sailed. I’ve accepted it but part of me will always grieve missing that experience this time around. I’m grateful my sisters had children and are happy to share them with me. I love aunting. And, I know that the having-it-all story is a fairy tale. If I had children of my own, I never would have been able to realize so many of my dreams. In a strange way, it seems fitting that my life's work has been more about learning to take care of myself. Taking care of others has always been more instinctual.

I was such a know-it-all in early adulthood. I thought there was a right way and a wrong way. Of course, I always thought I was right. Not having to always be right means that now I can apologize when needed. Turns out, people like receiving warranted apologies more than they like unsolicited advice from a know-it-all, so my relationships are better too.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

Five. Five was such a good year. I didn’t feel like a kid for much of my childhood but when I was 5 I felt free. There’s a picture of me on my Big Wheel with my sister Stephanie. We spent hours riding them as fast as we could around our circular driveway. Julie loves that photo and has titled it Big Wheel Pride. I felt so much like myself, unharmed by the world or life experiences, and it seems to shine through in my memory of that age and in that photo.

“Big Wheel Pride” — Tenuto at 5.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Verna Gillis. She’s a good friend and a writer. She processes everything through humor and she never stops being unrelentingly creative. I helped her develop a solo show about aging. It won Best Comedic script at the United Solo Festival. Her one-liners are burned into my mind and they have come in handy. “How do you define a good day? For me, if I don’t pee before my pants are down, that’s a good day!” She fully prepared me for more frequent trips to the bathroom.

Another is Celeste Lecesne. He is also unrelentingly creative and he has such respect for young people. He co-founded The Trevor Project and The Future Perfect Project, which have been saving LGBTQIA+ youth for the last 25 years. I just had the honor of directing a docu-short about him and his lifetime commitment to the LGBTQIA+ community. I admire that he never approaches young people like they have a lot to learn from him, if only they would listen. Instead, he believes we have a lot to learn from them, if only we would listen. I try to bring that to my work with youth.

My trust issues are fading away. I used to want people to be trustworthy enough that I could count on them to take care of me. Now, I trust that people will always be exactly who they are and I trust I will take care of myself in their presence, no matter what. That formula has much better outcomes.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

Transition progressive eyeglasses are the new high heels. Elastic waist bands are the new high heels. Orthopedic slippers are the new high heels.

If there is one thing I would like to officially thank Gen Z for, it is making gigantic white sneakers “in” just in time for me to be incapable of wearing anything but gigantic white sneakers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and my 50-year-old feet.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

No matter how much I resist wrinkling, I’m probably not going to have plastic surgery or botox. I don’t judge others who do. I just can’t afford it. If I could, there’s no telling what I would do. With all the pressure to uphold a certain beauty standard and youthfulness, I could buckle as easily as the next guy. I hope I grow more comfortable transitioning into a wrinkly weathered old Italian lady. I prefer that look to the alternative. In fact, in my heart of hearts, I love that look.

Check out Eva Tenuto’s story of getting treatment for her mental illness, and getting sober, which kicks off Season 7 of the award-winning TMI Project Story Hour podcast:

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

My birthday philosophy, if I have one, is to do whatever feels right for that year and that day. I’ve had blissful birthdays alone. I’ve purchased special birthday gifts for myself, and taken myself to dinner and a show. I’m a good date. During the pandemic, Julie had some friends make a birthday video for me. It was a perfect introverted celebration. I got to see everyone while just being in the company of my love. No social anxiety or overwhelm. It was amazing.  But, I also loved the big party I had for my 50th. I was overjoyed to see so many people from different times in my life, all in one place.

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