I'm the Oldest I Have Ever Been

At 79, Verna Gillis shares some thoughts on aging.

Oct 25, 2021

In 2017, before her partner, celebrated trombonist Roswell Rudd, passed away at 82, Verna Gillis made this music video with him, and their band, The Olders. Watching, here or on YouTube, is highly recommended.

I turned 79 on my last birthday and I will admit it got my attention in a new way.

I used to describe myself as being in the infancy of older. I have now moved into my adolescence—the future closer to the present than it’s ever been…knowing that one day the last thing I say will be the last thing I said—and vice versa…navigating loss and less on the rougher seas of older.

Dinner is earlier. Late is earlier. Early is earlier.

My daymares are now much worse than my nightmares.

Here are some anecdotes to convey the experiences unique to now.

I often have no memory of yesterday. I do, however, have proof it happened: It is now today, and today always follows yesterday.

I went to the food co-op. Could not remember the name of what I wanted to buy. I described it to a man standing next to me.

“Green, flat, you put it in soup and it starts with a P.”

“Bay leaf,” he said.

“Exactly!”

***

Just because I don’t remember something, doesn't mean it didn't happen. And just because I remember doesn’t mean it did.

I often have no memory of yesterday. I do, however, have proof it happened: It is now today, and today always follows yesterday.

Always assume you have to pee, and you’ll always be right.

A good hair day for me is all about tweezing.

I spend an inordinate amount of time in my life in pursuit of minuscule hairs—the gentle coaxing out, to the final extraction, followed by elicit sighs of yearning and satisfaction. Sighs, which if heard from outside, would sound sexual.

I worry about who will tweeze me when I no longer can.

***

A Guide to Approaching Incontinence:

1. The first big step is one of acceptance. You no longer have any real control over your bladder. Start wearing pads.

You can order my brand, FREE TO PEE, YOU AND ME.

You will no longer have to worry about leaving stains on furniture or “going through” or even getting to a bathroom on time. You can pee while you are standing around talking at a party. No one will know.

2. Always assume you have to pee, and you’ll always be right.

Do not stop to wash dishes on your way to the bathroom. The sound of the water from the faucet will make you start to go—if you haven’t already. Do not send that one more text or email before going to the bathroom. Learn how to pee between open doors of a car anywhere at all.

Most of all, you can now relax. You have adjusted your expectations to the new reality.

The “Golden” Years are all about pee. They got that branding right.

Verna Gillis (1942 - 20??) has been performing “sit down comedy” standing up since 2010 when, at 68, she won her first TMI Project story slam. In 2014, the United Solo Theater Festival awarded her with the Best Comedic Script prize for her One Older-Woman Show, TALES FROM GERIASSIC PARK: On the Verge of Extinction. She’s published three books of humor. Gillis has a Ph.D. in ethnomusicology and taught at both Brooklyn College and Carnegie Mellon University. She did field work recording music in Peru, Dominican Republic, Haiti, Iran, Afghanistan, Kashmir, Ghana, and Cuba. Twenty-seven albums of these recordings are available on Smithsonian Folkways. In 1979 she opened SOUNDSCAPE, the first multi-cultural performance space and producing organization in NYC. Learn more at www.vernagillis.com