This is (Almost) 85: Elaine Soloway Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I like the opportunity to dissuade people about folks my age."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, author—and mom to the creators of Transparent—Elaine Soloway responds. -Sari Botton

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Elaine Soloway

Elaine Soloway, 84, is the author of The Division Street Princess, Green Nails and Other Acts of Rebellion: Life After Loss, Bad Grandma and Other Chapters in a Life Lived Out Loud, and She's Not the Type.  Her articles have appeared in Harper's Bazaar, Huff Post, Next Avenue, Forward, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, and Kveller. The Emmy Award-winning television series Transparent was created by Elaine Soloway's children Joey and Faith and inspired by their family. Her children are currently premiering The Transparent Musical in Los Angeles.

How old are you?

I’ll be 85 Aug. 10, 2023.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?

When I was 30, my family and I moved to a neighborhood in Chicago called South Commons. It was a planned community and designed to integrate white and Black people in a variety of housing styles, income, and ages. The neighborhood changed me. I went from an unhappy housewife to a community activist, editor of the newsletter, producer of the musical theatre, and to an emboldened woman. So, in my mind, I’m still that 30-year-old who believes she can do anything.

My age is my identity. I’m very proud of myself. I learned how to swim at age 80, got a tattoo to celebrate, and now swim three 5 a.m. weekdays…I have accomplished three lifetime goals. Swimming was one, speaking Spanish in the first tense, and playing Rogers and Hart on the keyboard are others. I do all poorly, but I do them!

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I don’t feel old or young. Age is meaningless. But I do use it as my hook. It’s likely I’m able to do it because I’m in great shape. No cane or walker needed, thank God. Along with my physical shape, my brain is humming along. I write/publish essays, I curate articles from more than four national publications and share on my Facebook page (5,000 friends!), and I host monthly book clubs that meet on Zoom and discuss books by Black and Jewish female authors. We’ve been meeting regularly for more than two years, many authors have joined in, and membership continues to grow. I’m grateful.

Left, Soloway with her first husband and two children in South Commons in the '70s; Right, Soloway with her children Joey and Faith more recently.

What do you like about being your age?

I like the opportunity to dissuade people about folks my age.

What is difficult about being your age?

It’s not my age that’s difficult, it’s my 4’9” height. An essay about that is currently being reviewed for publications.

When I was 30, my family and I moved to a neighborhood in Chicago called South Commons. It was a planned community and designed to integrate white and Black people in a variety of housing styles, income, and ages. The neighborhood changed me. I went from an unhappy housewife to a community activist, editor of the newsletter, producer of the musical theatre, and to an emboldened woman.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I never thought I’d live this long. My father died at 48—diabetes, obesity, cigarettes, heart disease—and my mother, 67—heart disease. This age and health are a surprise.

Soloway at work as a publicist in 1980.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

It has given me more years to be with my adult children and grandchildren, more years to deepen relationships with friends, more opportunities to write and publish. Nothing has been taken from me, except those few inches of height. I was once 4’11”.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

My age is my identity. I’m very proud of myself. I learned how to swim at age 80, got a tattoo to celebrate, and now swim three 5 a.m. weekdays. (See Soloway’s essay: Why I Chose to Get a Tattoo Instead of a Face-Lift for My 80th Birthday in The Huffington Post)

Also, I have accomplished three lifetime goals. Swimming was one, speaking Spanish in the first tense, and playing Rogers and Hart on the keyboard are others. I do all poorly, but I do them! (See Soloway’s essay: Learning New Things: No Audience Required in Next Avenue).

Along with my physical shape, my brain is humming along. I write/publish essays, I curate articles from more than four national publications and share on my Facebook page (5,000 friends!), and I host monthly book clubs that meet on Zoom and discuss books by Black and Jewish female authors.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I’ve been married twice. My first ended in divorce after 30 years, my second husband died after 12 years of marriage. I’d like a sweetheart again. I’m hoping this swain would want to travel to countries I have not seen. So, he’d have to be able to hoist my luggage to the overhead.

Left, Soloway with her dog, Doris; Right, Soloway with her swimming coach, Kathy Krowley Kelly, who taught Soloway when she was 80.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

Oh, I feel very blessed at this age. Along with my astonishing children and lovely grandchildren, I have Doris, my shelter dog. She is likely four years old. I’m mad about her. She sleeps next to me on my bed. Our four walks have aided my good health. (Many essays about her.) I also enjoyed my 40’s when I was a Press Aide to Chicago Mayor Jane Byrne and my early 40’s when I had my own PR company.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

I would never have an idol who deserves my praise because of their age. Their contributions to the world are more important to me.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

Since the pandemic, and before, my wardrobe has shifted to logo t-shirts and leggings. If I can get away with it, I don’t wear a bra. No skirts, dresses, or purses for me. Backpacks.

I was a sales associate for Apple in 2012. I’m very tech savvy. I have even taught classes for seniors on the subject.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I don’t think I have any. I was a sales associate for Apple in 2012. I’m very tech savvy. I have even taught classes for seniors on the subject. But the technology is moving so quickly, and the danger of destroying someone’s data is so great, that I keep that skill to myself. Also, I don’t plan to live in senior housing. I live across the street from a tony health club, and I believe this proximity has kept me healthy. Also, my highrise is populated by residents much younger than I. In fact, I could be the oldest person in the building. Instead of hiding, I initiate elevator conversations. It requires my neighbors to move their eyeballs from their cellular to me. Most of these encounters are delightful.

Order Soloway’s memoir.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

My 85^th is coming up August 10. I’m not really a great celebrator. I’ll consider the entire month my special date and will have lunches and dinners with friends. My kids will come to Chicago at some point that month and we’ll celebrate together. I also hate Mother’s Day.

Thank you for this opportunity to talk about myself! No self-deprecation needed. Just all out boasting.