This is 72: Author Breena Clarke Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"When younger, I had planned to spend my senior years with certain people who have died already. Thus, there is delight in discovering new friends."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, author Breena Clarke responds. -Sari Botton

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Breena Clarke promoting her latest novel.

Breena Clarke is the author of four historically-based novels, short stories and plays, including the epistolary novel, Alive Nearby. She is a co-founder and organizer of The Hobart Festival of Women Writers.

How old are you?  

72

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

Probably something more like 55 or 60. People have complimented me on a youthful appearance. I admit that I like that compliment.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I was once told by my doctor that I presented physically and mentally as younger than my chronological age. I’ve held onto the idea that I am peppier and more energetic than the average person of my age.

I have become a worrier. This surprises me. I find myself rehearsing events before they occur as a way of insuring that all goes well. I don’t like this tendency.

What do you like about being your age?

I have a mental archive of experiences that can inform my day and I enjoy the way my memories now cascade. Flashes of images, scents, and tastes send me swirling through the people and places of my life.

Breena Clarke with her late son, Najeeb Harb (1974 - 1989)  in 1984. 

What is difficult about being your age?

Accepting the increasing mobility challenges. I move well and exercise. However, my joints are often stiff. My right knee reminds me that I am not as flexible as previously. But, since I have trimmed my weight, I accomplish more.

The loss of family, friends and acquaintances is a definite downside of aging. Thinking about the possibilities of illness and accidents affecting my loved ones ( or even myself) causes anxiety. Even the deaths of celebrities that one closely associates with certain eras, saddens. One begins to feel that a baton has passed to others. I feel it’s necessary to remain “useful” to the world, though often I feel like an observer. So, in a certain sense, I feel I ought to represent for my generation. I should keep writing and thinking productively, observing, and commenting.

At every age, I’ve felt that my perspective has adjusted. I think of it as achieving perspective through climbing a mountain and getting a better view of the landscape. At each birthday, I climb higher.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

That menopause seems not to end. I have become a worrier. This surprises me. I find myself rehearsing events before they occur as a way of insuring that all goes well. I don’t like this tendency. This is especially true when driving a distance. I try very hard not to rehearse the trip in my head.

A performance of “Narratives: A Dramatic Event,” a performance piece composed of Cheryl Clarke’s first poetry collection, Narratives: Poems in the Tradition of Black Women. Left to right: Gwendolen Hardwick, Breena Clarke, and Linda Powell.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you? 

Perspective. At every age, I’ve felt that my perspective has adjusted. I think of it as achieving perspective through climbing a mountain and getting a better view of the landscape. At each birthday, I climb higher. By and large this has been positive. I’ve felt that I am gaining insights as I progress. Aging has culled out my friends and loved ones. When younger, I had planned to spend my senior years with certain people who have died already. Thus, there is delight in discovering new friends.

I feel short-changed on certain parent-child milestones since my son died thirty-three years ago. I’ve missed out on the thrills of high school and college graduation. I didn’t get to use all the sage advice I had stored up for him. If I give out parenting advice, I feel like a fraud.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

Reflecting on my life in answering this questionnaire has shown how deeply affected I was by my son, Najeeb’s life and death. His life has continued to influence mine — in absentia? I’ve kept him attached spiritually and mentally.  

Order Breena Clarke’s books.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I feel short-changed on certain parent-child milestones since my son died thirty-three years ago. I’ve missed out on the thrills of high school and college graduation. I didn’t get to use all the sage advice I had stored up for him. If I give out parenting advice, I feel like a fraud. How can a person whose child died on their watch not feel like a failure at parenting? I mean, keeping your child alive is the first imperative.

However, when my sister received her doctoral degree and I attended the ceremony with my parents, I had a deep understanding of the value of these rituals and milestones. I enjoyed the ceremony in part by imagining that it was my son who graduated. I’ve been able to participate in similar milestones and rituals through my fiction. Most recently I’ve published a part historical novel, part memoir-epistolary novel called Alive Nearby that mirrors my feelings about this trauma.

Order Alive Nearby

I don’t have grandchildren. This is an accomplishment that many of my peers have. I imagined grandchildren and imagined myself as the perfect grandparent. I now accept that, though it makes me sad and regretful to think about, my biological generations are at an end. I take pains to achieve a feeling that my “generations” are the people I have influenced and the work I have created. I hope these ideas will endure. I suppose that is a thing we all want: to endure.

When my sister received her doctoral degree and I attended the ceremony with my parents, I had a deep understanding of the value of these rituals and milestones. I enjoyed the ceremony in part by imagining that it was my son who graduated.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

I believe the years between 30 and 35 were my happiest ones. I had met my life partner and my son was thriving. I remember a specific evening that I would consider my happiest moment. I remember thinking to myself that I had never been happier than on that night. I was wearing a beautiful red dress; my son was golden handsome, and my husband was gorgeous in a white linen shirt. We were all three lovely and in love. A friend was with us, and he was handsome, too.

I recall this evening as though it was a dream. Each day since has been ever so slightly less happy than that evening. I don’t mind much since that was an enormously wonderful time. I would go back to that evening and dwell there except that I am certain that a disconnect would occur and likely cause ripples and events and circumstances that might not have otherwise occurred and who could say what changes may result. It exists solely as a precious recollection.

Cheryl Clarke(left) and Breena Clarke (right) at Hobart Festival of Women Writers in 2017.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Cheryl Clarke, my sister is one. She’s a few years older than me and is a published poet. We work together on The Hobart Festival of Women Writers. She self-published her first volume of poetry and I joined her in promoting it many years ago. She blazed a trail and I followed. Maria Mazziotti Gillan, poet and educator. She’s in her 80s and is still writing poetry and teaching. Sue Harris, an octogenarian friend, and exercise buddy who is still helping people through therapy. My husband, 82, who is still as sharp as a tack (an oldster expression), though gentle and smart. He is engaged with the world and is my Jeopardy! buddy.

I’ve recently begun to take supplements for hair growth. Because of age-related changes and increased tension following my husband’s surgery, I began losing my hair — or rather it was refusing to grow. It took me a minute, but I realized that I did care about my appearance, about my hair.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I’ve recently begun to take supplements for hair growth. Because of age-related changes and increased tension following my husband’s surgery, I began losing my hair — or rather it was refusing to grow. It took me a minute, but I realized that I did care about my appearance, about my hair. By some miracle the supplements are working. The hair, however, is returning as very gray. I laugh because my late son used to say that he wanted to see how my dreadlocks would look when they turned gray. He would giggle about it. I giggle about it now thinking he would be delighted to see the gray tendrils framing my face. And so, when I see the gray, I laugh a bit then get a little misty then return to giggles, then wish he was here to laugh out loud.

I’ve also become a little more conscious of my entire outward appearance. I’m concerned not to look scruffy or disheveled. On the other hand, I like the freedom to NOT look polished, to meet the world mostly as I am.

Breena Clarke in The Catskills with her dog, Dinah. 

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I refuse to allow osteoarthritis to determine what I can accomplish. This happened to my mother, and I’m determined not to retreat from activities because of aching joints. I medicate reasonably and defy arthritis through exercise and attitude.

Reflecting on my life in answering this questionnaire has shown how deeply affected I was by my son, Najeeb’s life and death. His life has continued to influence mine — in absentia? I’ve kept him attached spiritually and mentally.  

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I’ve grown tired of birthday celebrations frankly. I remember birthdays and death days, but I struggle to NOT focus on these dates. In recent years, I’ve tried to detach myself from my own birthday. My father used to ask, “Do you feel any older?” Of course, I never could lay my finger on the moment I got older, felt older. So now I try to ignore the actual day. One very annoying thing: A person is asked to give their birthdate as an identifier when calling a medical office or pharmacy. Ah, it makes sense. But it forces me to reckon with the date.