Letter from the Editor #26
The very Oldster-coded "You Got Older" at the Cherry Lane Theater; A TV show asks, "Does age matter when it comes to love?" Hmmm...
Readers,
A few weeks ago, in a link roundup I told you I hoped to go see Clare Barron’s You Got Older at the Cherry Lane Theater in Manhattan, and last weekend I finally went. I’m so glad I did.
The play, starring Alia Shawkat and Peter Friedman, among others, is very Oldster-coded. It’s the story of a woman whose entire life falls apart, conveniently just as her 70-something father is diagnosed with cancer and needs her to come help out at home.
At its heart, it’s a play about a daughter and a father taking care of one another in different ways, at a time when they both have needs they might never have anticipated—intergenerational nurturing, in both directions.
It’s also about a a kind of regression that naturally occurs when we spend time, intimately, with siblings and parents—the latter of whom might be regressing a bit themselves, at the end of life, reversing roles with their kids.
Barron touches on this subtly, not as much with dialogue as with visual and situational specificity, and humor—Shawkat’s character “Mae” (so close to “Maeby”) moving into her older sister’s perfectly untouched childhood bedroom; Peter Friedman’s “Dad” character cluelessly walking in on his adult daughter at highly private moments; Mae and her siblings revisiting petty arguments around their father’s hospital bed, as if they’re still the ages they were when they all last lived at home together.
I found the play resonant and moving. It was also just nice to take myself to the theater on a Saturday afternoon after so much work, work, work. It’s playing a couple more weeks—through Sunday, April 26th. If you’re in the New York City area, I recommend checking it out.
By the by, Oldster runs exclusively on reader support. If you’re enjoying it and want to help me keep publishing and paying essayists and interviewers, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. 🙏
Check out the rest of this series here. P.S. Typos happen. Please forgive me if you find any!
A TV show asks, “Does age matter when it comes to love?” Hmmm... 🤔
Since putting together yesterday’s Oldster Magazine Questionnaire featuring 78-year-old Margalit Shinar, I haven’t stopped thinking about one of her responses. Asked about her favorite age so far, she replied:
I would say the age of 40 was my favorite because at that age I finally gained confidence in who I was: a rebel at heart. It was what gave me the courage to acknowledge the big love of my life and then marry the man who, though twenty years younger than I am, is my second husband.
The asymmetry in age between Shinar and her husband (and co-author) David Woo was also the subject of his recent New York Times Modern Love essay, “She was 40. I was 20. Could we make it work?” After 38 years together, it seems as if the answer to Woo’s question is a resounding “Yes.”
There’s a lot of buzz lately about age differences in relationships. Shinar’s Q&A landed in my inbox around the same time that people began mentioning the Netflix reality show Age of Attraction and asking my opinion of it.
The show asks: “Does age matter when it comes to love?” It brings together a bunch of singles from all walks—and phases—of life, encouraging them to connect with one another based on attraction and shared values, without mentioning their ages until later.
Being historically allergic to reality TV, I made it through just one episode. But I was intrigued enough to read an article about which couples from the show remain together. Among the few still standing are Vanessa (49) and Logan (29), with an age difference matching that of Shinar and Woo.
Learning about that made me happy in a way that age differences in the opposite, more common direction tend not to, something I wondered aloud about in an essay I published last summer on the topic.
I suppose this internal dichotomy has to do with my awareness that men in our culture already have disproportionately more societal, political, and financial power than women; and that women experience disproportionately more age discrimination, and are more prone to social “invisibility” later in life. This is me rooting for the underdogs, of which I happen to be one. (I’m not saying I’m against older men being with younger women. Except in cases of minors being taken advantage of by adults, I mostly just mind my own business about about real life romantic pairings with big age gaps.)
This all descended on my consciousness as Brian and I watched Magpie Murders and Moonflower Murders on PBS Masterpiece back-to-back. (I’m glad to learn there’ll be a third show in the series, Marble Hall Murders, shooting now.) Those shows star Leslie Manville as Susan Ryeland, the editor of a popular murder mystery novel series, who also happens to have a knack for solving who-done-its in real life.
Susan is partnered with a man named Andreas Patakis (Alexandros Logothetis). There’s no mention on the show of one being older than the other, but Brian and I both found ourselves wondering whether she might have been, and nosily searched for their ages on line.
Turns out she’s 70 to his 55. Once again, I found myself celebrating their (albeit fictional) relationship in a way I most likely would not have if the age difference were the other way around, probably for all the same reasons I mentioned above. It made me wonder what you all think…
Does age matter when it comes to love? What has been your experience with asymmetrical relationships, in either direction?
That’s all I’ve got today. Tomorrow I’ll be back with an essay/open-thread combo from Rebecca Morrison. Next week I’ll be away, leading a writing workshop at the Southern Vermont Writers’ Conference, which means I’ll be doing less “liking” and commenting. But I’ve still got a week’s worth of posts prepared for you, scheduled ahead of time.
Thanks as always for reading, and for all your support. 🙏💝
-Sari
I was 9 years older than my ex. Still going to look for a younger man now that I am single! I am trim, fit, and look younger.
Susan Tedeschi is nine years older than Derek Trucks and they make incredible music together in their 12 piece band.