This is 58: Hugh Willard Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"Aging has given me greater acceptance *and* taken away some of my tolerance for bullshit."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, psychotherapist, singer-songwriter, author, and podcaster Hugh Willard responds. -Sari Botton
P.S. A reminder that in my book, everyone who is alive and aging is considered an Oldster, and that every contributor to this magazine is the oldest they have ever been, which is interesting new territory for them—and interesting to me, the 58-year-old who publishes this.
When you see a piece featuring someone younger than you, try to remember when you were that age and how monumental it felt. Bring some curiosity to reading about how the person being featured is experiencing that age. Or, if you prefer, wait for the next piece featuring someone in your age group. Not every piece will speak to every reader. I’m doing my best to cover a lot of ground and to foster intergenerational conversation. Please work with me.
Hugh Willard is a psychotherapist, singer-songwriter, author, and podcaster in a career spanning more than 35 years. His first nonfiction book, Finding Beauty in the Gray: Stories and Verse from the Third Age has just been published. Hugh also has a podcast series titled Aging Well: Finding Beauty in the Gray. Via Osher Lifelong Learning Institutes he teaches courses on identity, meaning, and creativity.
Hugh’s other published works include The Goodwill Vulture’s Club children’s chapter book series, the YA novel Degotoga and the novella Clive’s Crossing. He is getting his MFA in Creative Nonfiction at Bay Path University. He had the wonderful fortune of having Oldster Magazine’s Sari Botton as one of his first instructors in the program. Learn more at HughWillard.com
How old are you?
I’ll turn 80 a little over 22 years from now. (58)
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
At first blush, I would say no. I absolutely connect with being 58. But then I start to think about the expectations I hold for myself. Several of these rely upon a younger body and mind. There are moments I think about running a sub-6 minute mile by the time I turn 60. With my balky knees and plantar fasciitis, that is not going to happen. I still overcommit and consider I can mentally and physically master several things at the same time. Of course neuroscientists have sufficiently debunked the notion of true multitasking, but hey, what do they know about me? These thoughts and actions have me feeling more like I am in my mid-40: Old enough to know better, young enough to still try.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I don’t feel like an old 58. I exercise regularly, mostly eat healthy, and continue to stimulate my mind through writing and study. I suppose I slant towards feeling younger although you wouldn’t know it by looking at my wardrobe, hairstyle, and musical preferences. These tilt me more in the older direction because I don’t give a rat’s ass about what other people think of my appearance. I care more about what they think of my behaviors. It matters that they recognize kindness in me. I’m not inclined to consider how in step I am with my peers. I know that’s dangerously close to coming across as aloof. Hopefully my actions paint a different picture.
I don’t give a rat’s ass about what other people think of my appearance. I care more about what they think of my behaviors. It matters that they recognize kindness in me. I’m not inclined to consider how in step I am with my peers.
What do you like about being your age?
The time and opportunity to live into hard, hard learnings from my own and others' pasts. In my book I call this contextual wisdom. There are still several contexts where I don’t know what to do, where I’m still blind to, and act out of, my unhealthy fears. I love the freedom of exploring new paths of school/career, friendships, of dreaming about places to travel (and doing it), places to relocate (and planning for this). I love doing things that I historically had no interest in, like baking pies and doing a podcast! I love teaching and knowing what the hell I am talking about. And I love having more time. Yes, I remain nutty busy, but this is largely from choice and interest, not a sense of necessity and obligation. It’s very empowering to feel greater comfort with choices and priorities. Saying yes to what I want and no to what I don’t want. These are beautiful things indeed.
What is difficult about being your age?
Diminishing physical capacities come to mind first. I’m not as coordinated as I used to be. This frustrates me to no end. The arthritis in my thumbs is maddening to this guitar player and more importantly the losing of a few notes off the top of my vocal range is grievous unto my soul. I can’t see myself going gently into the night of croaking songs.
It’s not so bothersome for me to have memory lapses. And the above noted physical complaints are not so calamitous as to ruin my whole day. I’ll add an interesting qualifying context to this question: What is difficult about being [my] age in the digital age? This is where I feel much older. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent. And technology is both the balm and bane of my life. When I forget something, a name, an event, a process, there’s Google and YouTube to the rescue. When I cannot figure out how to turn the goddamn closed captions off of the TV even after consulting the Oracle of Google, then I’m over it all. And don’t get me started on help desks. Sound curmudgeonly enough yet? On balance, this is a really good time of life.
The arthritis in my thumbs is maddening to this guitar player and more importantly the losing of a few notes off the top of my vocal range is grievous unto my soul. I can’t see myself going gently into the night of croaking songs.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
Based on what I was told. Boy that is the operative phrase. There is so much in our society that, intentionally or not, speaks to our being defined by our diminished skills and capacities as we age. Being 58 sits on the precipice of the 60’s, the time of retirement, social security, and Medicare. Soaking in this messaging, I expected to be less astute, less motivated, less curious, less creative. The list goes on. And yet, I am all of these things and more in spades.
In my personal sphere, I’m not sure I was told anything about aging by the elders in my family and community. It’s been more observation of their respective actions. Some let go and resign themselves to limitations, others go erringly forward. Yes, erringly, not unerringly, which makes them all the more remarkable. My mom was like this. She seemed to find her stride in her early 60’s, camping with us at folk music festivals, writing and submitting poetry for contests. Going back to work after her first retirement. She gave a full-throated “Yes” to life back then, even when she was stricken with terminal brain cancer at age 65.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me perspective. It has helped me to be even more accepting of ambiguity, of not having answers to everything around me. It hasn’t “cured” me of all my emotional baggage, but it has lightened the load. It’s teaching me that not only is impermanence the one objective truth of life, but also that this is ok, good even if also painful. Wow, how very Buddhist of me! Of course, all of these insights can fly out the window at a moment’s notice. I still have occasions of being the living embodiment of the “you kids get off my lawn!” old man in the front porch rocker trope. So there’s a nice (seeming) contradiction. Aging has given me greater acceptance and taken away some of my tolerance for bullshit.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
The above noted perspective I’ve gained has helped me to see myself as having much more agency than when I was younger. On the surface, when I was younger I thought I was quite capable, but my actions weren’t nearly consistent enough, or congruent enough, to support this belief. Today, I continue to learn and know that I am capable of so much more than I thought possible, and lest this sound like a self-empowerment symposium, one essential growth that supports all of this is my belief in and comfort with my limitations. Being okay with what I don’t know and the areas where my skills are lacking. Woven throughout all of this is my deep happiness with being a loving and compassionate human being. Aging to this point has only reinforced this belief within me.
Today, I continue to learn and know that I am capable of so much more than I thought possible, and lest this sound like a self-empowerment symposium, one essential growth that supports all of this is my belief in and comfort with my limitations. Being okay with what I don’t know and the areas where my skills are lacking.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I would love to be a grandparent! That said, at this time neither of my daughters are inclined towards having children. And I fully support them in these choices. My partner Heather’s three adult children are more likely to have kids in the future, so I’ll sleeve in there one way or another. And if that doesn’t come to fruition, I will eventually rock babies in the NICU at a nearby hospital. For now, I’ll keep loving my grand-animals.
Another age-related milestone, retirement, is not on my radar for many years. Our culture says 65ish. Some folks have to go longer out of necessity. I expect to go longer, much longer, out of interest. I hope to be writing and teaching well into my 80s. Hence my mediocre attempt at being clever with my first response to this questionnaire.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
For me, each age has had remarkable joys and varying degrees of sorrow. Overall, if I could go back to being 20, I’d give that another spin. College life represented this amazing expanse of freedom to explore life with precious few responsibilities. I gorged myself on friendships and really interesting and stimulating courses, played a lot of basketball and watched lots of Cubs baseball games. What would be even better would be to time travel back to 1985. That way I’d take my hard earned learnings with me. And know to wait until 2016 to bet on the Cubs winning the World Series.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
Two come immediately to mind: Author and teacher
, and longtime Yankee Magazine editor Mel Allen. You’ve had Abby here on Oldster. I recently read the latest of her wonderful memoirs, Still Life at Eighty, and had the good fortune of having her on my podcast. Throughout her remarkable life, Abby has responded with verve, curiosity, and unblinking authenticity. And this continues to this day. Mel has been the editor of Yankee for 45 years and is still going strong in the face of all the stark industry changes. He too is warm, generous, and true to himself, his family, and work. I have greatly benefited from his intention and commitment to the craft of writing. I consider them both to be my mentors.My mom seemed to find her stride in her early 60’s, camping with us at folk music festivals, writing and submitting poetry for contests. Going back to work after her first retirement. She gave a full-throated “Yes” to life back then, even when she was stricken with terminal brain cancer at age 65.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I chafe at the whole societal ethos regarding external style and beauty standards. The alignment with looking younger is a disservice to all of us. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to look nice but even in typing that phrase I am already running into trouble. Who gets to define what “nice” is? And if I don’t meet others' standards for looking “nice” what happens as a result? I have a few things to say about this in the last essay in my book Finding Beauty in the Gray.
Health-wise is a different matter. Holistically, there is a lifelong importance in tending to our physical and psychological well-being. Of late, I have upticked my cardio and weightlifting regimens. I’m slowly getting back into a regular meditation practice. And I regularly read poetry. Notably Mary Oliver’s. She is always a salve for my soul.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
I have wrinkles, crooked lower teeth, and significant hair loss. See the previous question regarding my refusal to change these.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I think everyone’s birthday should be celebrated from life’s start to finish. Life is hard. It doesn’t matter how one is celebrated, just that they are. We need to know that we matter. Not that we are the center of anyone else’s world, just that we matter.
I love to celebrate my birthday very simply. I just want time with my family and to go to a baseball game.
Love this warm, wise, and engaging interview with Hugh Willard! And I agree completely about Abigail Thomas and Mel Allen as inspirations. For anyone curious: get a copy of Finding Beauty in the Gray! It’s wonderful.
What a great interview! So much that resonated with me. Like Hugh's mom, I feel like, at 63, I am finding my stride in my 60s! Glad to be introduced to Hugh and his work.