This is 38.75: Minda Honey Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"Even though I’ve deprioritized dating, I still have those down moments where I worry I’m not going to meet the love of my life and that I’m running out of time to do so."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, memoirist Minda Honey responds. -Sari Botton
P.S. A reminder that in my book, everyone who is alive and aging is considered an Oldster, and that every contributor to this magazine is the oldest they have ever been, which is interesting new territory for them—and interesting to me, the 58-year-old who publishes this.
I have known Minda Honey a long time, since she was in her early 30s and I got to edit some essays she wrote for Longreads. She has interesting things to say here, and in her new, debut memoir, The Heartbreak Years, about her experience of coming into her later 30s. If you’re older, try to remember what it meant to you to approach 40, how old that seemed to you at the time. If you were still single, try and remember how significant that was. And if this one’s just not for you, skip it, and please trust that there’ll be another piece soon that resonates with you and where you are at in your life.
***Going forward I will delete any comments that dismiss contributors’ experiences of getting older because they’re allegedly not old enough***
Minda Honey is the author of The Heartbreak Years, a memoir about dating as a twentysomething woman of color in Southern California set against the backdrop of the Obama years.
How old are you?
38.75
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
Yes, 35 because that’s the age I turned right before the pandemic hit and we spent a two-year stretch (in some ways) feeling stuck in time. Before that, for some reason, I always felt 27 in my mind. I’m not sure why though!
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I feel young for my age, and I think it’s because I don’t have a lot of the traditional adult markers for someone who’s nearly 40 — marriage, house, kid.
But that means when I’m around other people who are also leading lives oriented around writing and are also lacking one or more of those markers, it feels like we all exist together in an ageless bubble.
It’s harder at this age to not have a default companion to do things with, whether that’s a spouse or even your kids! There’s just fewer opportunities for impromptu hangs because so many of your friends’ lives are ruled by balancing intense careers and family time.
What do you like about being your age?
That I’ve deprioritized dating. Not hopping into every unstable “situationship” that pulls up has really added great amounts of stability and peace to my life. I also like that I’ve found a few different ways to make a living off my words. And I appreciate that I’ve put in enough time for many of my long-term writing goals to come to fruition.
What is difficult about being your age?
I feel a lot more anxious about my health. I live in constant dread of the onset of perimenopause. And I’m a writer; my retirement savings is not…robust. So, I worry that my mind and/or body will fail before I get to place where I don’t have to actively work any longer to fund my existence.
Even though I’ve deprioritized dating, I still have those down moments where I worry I’m not going to meet the love of my life and that I’m running out of time to do so. It’s harder at this age to not have a default companion to do things with, whether that’s a spouse or even your kids! There’s just fewer opportunities for impromptu hangs because so many of your friends’ lives are ruled by balancing intense careers and family time.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
I spent a lot of my 20s convinced I had to have everything figured out by 30. And I definitely did not “figure it all out.” But none of that’s mattered because my 30s have been beautiful. I’ve known myself better, I’ve felt more capable to make decisions for my life based on what I actually want versus what I’ve been told I should want, and, even though it’s hard to make new friends as an adult, I’ve met some of my closest friends during this decade of my life.
I feel a lot more anxious about my health. I live in constant dread of the onset of perimenopause. And I’m a writer; my retirement savings is not…robust. So, I worry that my mind and/or body will fail before I get to place where I don’t have to actively work any longer to fund my existence.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me perspective. It’s given me more compassion — for myself and others. It’s given me experiences — so much travel and love and accomplishment.
It’s taken away my body’s cushy margin for abuse. No more dancing all-night because my sturdy knees are gone — I can drop it like it’s hot but getting it back up is not a given. No more binge drinking — no more drinking at all — because the insomnia, anxiety and sour stomach just aren’t worth it. For far longer than most people, I could go on a total bender and spring out of bed the next day fully refreshed. I can tolerate less things for beauty — no more eyebrow waxing, no more high heels, no more standing around in the cold in a skimpy outfit so a bouncer will let me cut line at the club.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
Getting older has granted me authority over my identity. I get to decide who I am, who I want to be and what that means, versus seeking definition externally. WOW is that freeing!
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I don’t have any desire to have children, but I do want to get married and I want to experience the beauty of building a life with someone.
I am looking forward to retirement. I dunno if Millennials will be fortunate enough to hit that milestone, but I sure hope I get to some day!!
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I don’t think I have a favorite age. All my years have been a blend of good and bad. For instance, I sold my book at 35, but that was also the year I spent inside, mostly alone because of COVID. 23 was the year I moved to California, but it was also the year my high school sweetheart and I broke up after six-and-a-half years of dating. So, I can’t really say what my favorite age has been. Maybe it’s ahead of me!
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
Sari inspires me. She’s really been a model for what the writer’s life can look like and how to build community and create opportunity for others and yourself. (Editor’s note: Awww. 🙏)
Tracie Ellis Ross is the blueprint for the rich auntie life I’m trying to lead. Feeling beautiful in my body at every age, traveling, and tossing my head back for the greatest laughs.
No more dancing all-night because my sturdy knees are gone — I can drop it like it’s hot but getting it back up is not a given. No more binge drinking — no more drinking at all — because the insomnia, anxiety and sour stomach just aren’t worth it.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
Style-wise: Less clothes made out of synthetic materials. Natural fabrics tend to lay better on my body and are usually higher quality.
Beauty-wise: How I do my makeup has definitely gotten simpler with age. I just think less does more for me.
Health-wise: I mentioned earlier, I gave up drinking. It was just getting too hard on my body and wrecking my mental and emotional wellness. Also, I dunno if this falls under health, but I bought a $100 pillow and it has made a TRUE difference in my quality of sleep. I rotated it out for a bit and less than a week later, I woke up with neck and shoulder pain that took weeks to heal!!
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
Crop top and short-shorts — FOREVER. Bold lipstick — FOREVER. Job hopping — FOREVER! Ageism in hiring be damned!
I don’t have any desire to have children, but I do want to get married and I want to experience the beauty of building a life with someone.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I definitely still believe in going over the top in celebrating yourself for your birthday, but I just have less energy to plan some big birthday to-do and it feels like more of an imposition at this age to ask my friends to go out of their way for my birthday.
But even if I don’t do something major thing for my b-day and, instead, celebrate it in some quieter way, that’s okay because I feel like I celebrate myself A LOT. I treat myself all the time to little things when I have an accomplishment or hit a goal, even if that goal is just a writing deadline. I also will give myself the nicest dining and travel experiences that my budget can comfortably accommodate because when times are lean or I need to sacrifice, I buckle down and do that too. I just feel like when I treasure myself, I’m less likely to allow others to be reckless with me.
“When I treasure myself, I’m less likely to allow others to be reckless with me.” BOOM 🎤🙌
I didn't meet the love of my life til I was 45. It's a calm, sane age to meet someone. I have felt so present for all of it unlike I would have in my 20's or 30's. The best it yet to come!