This is 43: Author Nina Sharma Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I still have the same insecurities but I don’t feel so insecure about having them."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, author Nina Sharma responds. -Sari Botton

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P.S. A reminder that in my book, everyone who is alive and aging is considered an Oldster, and that every contributor to this magazine is the oldest they have ever been, which is interesting new territory for them—and interesting to me, the 58-year-old who publishes this. Oldster is an ongoing study of the experience of aging at every phase of life.

When you see a piece featuring someone younger than you, try to remember when you were that age and how monumental it felt. Bring some curiosity to reading about how the person being featured is experiencing that age. Or, if you prefer, wait for the next piece featuring someone in your age group. Not every piece will speak to every reader. I’m doing my best to cover a lot of ground and to foster intergenerational conversation. Please work with me.

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Nina Sharma at 43.

NINA SHARMA’s work has appeared in The New Yorker, Electric Literature, Women’s Studies Quarterly, Longreads, and The Margins, among other publications. She received her MFA in writing from Columbia University’s School of the Arts and has been awarded residencies from Vermont Studio Center and  St. Nell’s Humor Writing Residency. Nina is formerly the Programs Director at the Asian American Writers’ Workshop and with Quincy Scott Jones she co-created Blackshop, a column that thinks about allyship between BIPOC people, featured on Anomaly. A two-time Asian Women Giving Circle grantee for her workshop, “No Name Mind: Stories of Mental Health from Asian America,” she currently teaches at Barnard College and Columbia University. Nina is a proud co-founder of Not Your Biwi Improv. Her debut collection of personal essays, THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL: LOVE IN BLACK AND BROWN has just been published by Penguin Press.

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How old are you? 

43

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?  

19, the year before I had my first manic episode and consequent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I don’t feel like her but I think about her a lot. She’s iconic! She’s in fact a character in the title story of my personal essay collection, THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL: LOVE IN BLACK AND BROWN. I admire her lack of hesitation and I think I’m working my way back there.   

I have been aware of my age for as long as I can remember. I repeated kindergarten and in my very small PWI prep school one girl made it her special project, from kindergarten to senior year, to constantly remind me that I used to be in her grade. So I was very aware of my whopping one-year age difference with most of my classmates through those years.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I have been aware of my age for as long as I can remember. I repeated kindergarten and in my very small PWI prep school one girl made it her special project, from kindergarten to senior year, to constantly remind me that I used to be in her grade. So I was very aware of my whopping one-year age difference with most of my classmates through those years. Later, after I left college for a nervous breakdown and spent three years getting back on my feet, I returned to college, a sophmore when most of my friends had graduated and were in their first jobs. I lived in the dorms and tried to make up for lost time and often tried to pass as younger than I was; I wish I didn’t do that. I wish I wasn’t so ashamed again of being a whopping 23 instead of 19.

What do you like about being your age?

I still have the same insecurities but I don’t feel so insecure about having them. 

Sharma as a high school senior.

What is difficult about being your age?

Why do I still have the same insecurities? 

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I did not expect but I appreciate all the ways you can see at least a few things from a mile off. 

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

I don’t think you necessarily need to age to feel this but the older I get, the more I have had to face death. I’ve had several friends and family move on to the other side, and as they did, the more that I can feel that my relationships aren’t just with the living. Grief feels part of the fabric of life, so does appreciating those still around. 

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I’m thinking of Audre Lorde’s quote in “Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference”: 

As a forty-nine-year-old Black lesbian feminist socialist mother of two, including one boy, and a member of an interracial couple, I usually find myself a part of some group defined as other, deviant, inferior, or just plain wrong. Traditionally, in american society, it is the members of oppressed, objectified groups who are expected to stretch out and bridge the gap between the actualities of our lives and the consciousness of our oppressor. 

I think as I have aged, I have become more aware of the cues to “bridge the gap,” justify or clarify my existence. I’m less interested in helping someone understand.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations? 

A dear friend of mine just had a big 49^th birthday party — what a genius idea to celebrate the transitional year. 

I don’t think you necessarily need to age to feel this but the older I get, the more I have had to face death. I’ve had several friends and family move on to the other side, and as they did, the more that I can feel that my relationships aren’t just with the living. Grief feels part of the fabric of life, so does appreciating those still around.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

This age. I’ve been able to step out of myself a little bit more. I noticed this a lot in teaching. I have taught college students for the past 10 years. My husband and I often joke, “We get older and they stay the same age.” These days there are twenty years between me and many of my students. I feel for them in new ways. I feel for my 19-year old self in new ways too. I feel like I would go back to 19 but staying this age, a lot like Peggie Sue Got Married. 

Sharma as a young woman.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

My husband’s grandmom who is turning 98 in October — who is equal parts gorgeous, quick and funny, for whom a funeral is as much a social gathering as a family party — taught me something new about love when I passed her cane to her and said, “I prefer if you held my hand.” 

And my mother for many things but especially her perspective. I was her surprise baby, coming “later in life” (at a whopping 35). The other day I looked at a picture of her holding me and she seemed like a baby herself. Maybe it’s just me being the surprise baby still, but every day in her life feels like an adventure; she brings that come-what-may spirit and I admire that so much. 

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I started strength training more regularly. I love being active and strength training has been the best way for me to avoid injury and stay active consistently. 

I have taught college students for the past 10 years. My husband and I often joke, “We get older and they stay the same age.” These days there are twenty years between me and many of my students. I feel for them in new ways. I feel for my 19-year old self in new ways too. I feel like I would go back to 19 but staying this age, a lot like Peggie Sue Got Married. 

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I am dealing with new kinds of things cropping up in my body. Someone once said to me every few years what you think worked for your body needs modification. But I can be stubborn about making those changes. 

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

My birthday is in November but I begin to consider myself my birthday-age at the start of my year. I did that unconsciously for a while, like putting it down on forms, but now I kind of like getting curious about that number through the year. And there are so many ways to celebrate (like my friend’s 49th party) and I want to try them all.