It only took me 17 years of my 34 year marriage to realize that my husband hadn’t gotten everything he wanted either. Suddenly we were equals. The next 17 years were the best years until he died young at age 58
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband is the age yours was when he passed. I can only imagine how it must have felt staring into all the years you would live without him.
I am 67 and my wife is going to be 69 this year. We have been together for 46 years, and have known each other for 50 years. I have three rules for a successful relationship:
1. Lower your expectations. Many relationships fail because of expectations, which are often projections on to your partner. If you go in to a relationship saying I can change them, you are doomed. People will change, but concentrating on making someone different than they are, will cause you to miss what good qualities they might have.
2. You both need a good sense of humour. Being able to laugh together is important because laughing lightens the load.
3. And I joke that this may be the most important, Who Do We Hate This Week? A common enemy will bring you together. Now I could just as easily have said Who Do We Love Tgus Week, but it’s not as funny.
Although it’s not a rule, having a good sex life, common interests, uncommon interests, being secure in your identities, appreciating the other person all the time, and learning forgiveness are all important too.
In the past 4 years I had a triple bypass and cancer. A major life threatening experience will also bring you together, as they make you realize how much you love each other and how much you are loved. There is an urgency. Urgency is as important as agency, because life is temporary, but it is all we have. Enjoy what you have. And don’t worry about being right. Being right is overrated. Knowing when not to say something is also helpful.
I quit drinking two years ago. That helps me to listen better. My wife is the designated drinker. That helps her to live with me. Now when I am being a jerk, I can’t blame it on the booze. Men can be jerks. So can women. Hypothetically.
Eden Ahbez wrote one of my favourite songs, Nature Boy, whose lyric is “ the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.”
I love all of this, Dennis. (Although not the heart issues and cancer! Glad you're okay.) And you're right about a common enemy. Very bonding sometimes.
That's wonderful to hear, Sari—my wife Emma actually created the Nerve personals (she was Em of Em&Lo), and we met on there 20 years ago, as well.
I can't speak for Emma, but on my side, letting go of fixed ideas of who we both are has helped. As people, parents, the work we're doing—we've both changed so much in two decades.
Earlier on, I felt myself wishing she'd change in certain ways, and she expressed some of what she wished was different about me. Over the years I learned (of course) that not only can we never change anyone else, but actually the things about her I found most frustrating were actually the things I needed most, aspects of my own personality that I struggled with.
Anyway, more than anything, losing my parents has made me feel the temporariness of everything, and I feel endlessly grateful for her. ❤️
Wow!!! I am also endlessly grateful to her! 🙏 Please thank Emma (and Lo if they're still in touch) for Brian and me, because without her, we might never have met! 💝 I love what you have learned in your 20 years together. Thanks for sharing.
I also replied to Sari, that I too met my husband on Nerve! How wonderful that the group of us are 20 years on in our Nerve marriages/partnerships :-) The world is indeed very small. thanks to your wife for creating the Nerve personals!!
I love that, Janine! Emma was very pleased to hear this. We have quite a few friends who are also Nerve couples. Funnily enough, I asked Emma the other day what prompted launching the personals, and she said Nerve's founder mentioned it, and Emma thought immediately that it was a terrible idea, and that it would be cheesy. He told her and Lorelei to "make it cool, then," so they sat on the Nerve fire escape smoking cigarettes all evening and coming up with the questionnaire. Glad for all of us that they stuck with it.
I'm obviously very biased, but I think they'd be amazing. Lorelei's still a good pal, and lives just north of us (Rhinebeck/Red Hook). I'll DM you their emails.
Wow, that is a great story. I will share that with my husband, he will certainly get a kick out of all of convening through the Oldster site :-) Thanks again for sharing
I am 76 and have been with the same woman for nearly 55 years. To me, the key has been to be there for her, as she is for me. The “us” doesn’t replace the “me,” but it sure is frequently in the forefront. For many years now, “home” is wherever we are, together. We married at 22 and 19, and so have grown up together, “together” being the key word. We’re very lucky.
I read an interview with a leading family therapist who said that after decades of studying relationships, her first advice for maintaining lasting, loving relationships is: spend time with each other WITH FRIENDS. Specifically, do not try to save your relationship by going on date nights ONLY with your partner(s). Doing this helps you remember how funny, thoughtful, or what good storytellers your partner(s) are because it allows you to observe how loved they are by people other than you. I have found this to be accurate, on repeat.
I have been with my partner for twenty-four years. We hit a rough spot early on with household chores. Who hasn't hit this rough spot, honestly? Who is doing more dishes, who is cleaner, etc? It is a trap door through which many couples fall and can't return. A friend suggested we meet weekly to discuss house chores as if we were housemates (you are!). Who is going to pick up the farm share this week? Who is going to scrub the bathtub and take out the garbage? Who is going to clean out the grubby vegetable drawer? It makes things crystal clear and doesn't leave room for resentment. After our weekly meeting, we then spend an hour or two playing great music while checking chores off our list. The music helps. Doing things no one wants to do, but doing them TOGETHER, helps. We have been doing this for almost twenty years, and I swear it has diluted the lion's share of arguments.
I love both of these concepts, Jacinta! (Double date soon?) The second one reminds me of Carol Channing's "Housework" bit in Free to Be...You and Me: https://youtu.be/OCVR04-Mtng?si=XqmfYE8pOpsMsMm3
I think of the way I speak to my now husband -- "Honey, did you take out the trash?" -- versus the way I spoke to my first one -- "Omfg, you don't even care if we live like animals--" and I feel very bad for the way I acted, although he was no saint, either. Also, I take out the trash sometimes :)
As someone who never found romantic love, this is all interesting to read from the outside looking in. But also important to practice self acceptance and not feel cultural pressure (just in general, not here) to join the club. Back to the chocolate now.
“Original” is such a better term than “first husband”. Nice.
About that, a funny.
When I married the first time at 48, I got tired of being ‘my third wife’ (what is this, a sled dog team?). I began to introduce him as ‘my first husband’. Heh heh. That crap stopped. But not the rest.
He’s now making his #4 miserable. It’s a fake part that’s already scripted, any body will do.
I’m free and it’s literally more likely I will fly than ever ever remarry. Seriously ultralights look amazing!
As someone who didn’t get married until 56, I’ve had a lot of experience with being in relationships of varying lengths. I’m a successful musician, and most of my boyfriends were artists of one kind or another. It always started the same- they were attracted by my music life initially, and then jealousy would set in. At age 50, I reevaluated what I wanted in a man, and told my sister “I just want a regular guy- no more artists- but he has to love art and music!” And voila- I met the love of my life on Match, and 14 years later, here we are! He loves my musical life, yet is not threatened or jealous of it. He supports my love of music and we are happy as clams! I play the piano for him all the time!
Like a lot of women, I left a 22-year marriage when coming up to my 50th birthday (and wrote a book about it called Late Love: Mating in Maturity). When contemplating our much longer and lengthening lives, keeping good relationships thriving over decades is an art - and a leadership skill. I am always amazed how many leadership skills we amass at work... but then never deploy at home. Great couples are a bit like great companies. They take vision, attention, communication and prioritisation. When's the last time you had a performance review - at home? Maybe it's time.
I'm 71 and have been married for 51 years. I was 19 when we married and always said I grew up in my marriage. I think the big thing I learned is using humor. We laugh about a lot of things. Also, not letting his shit rub off on me. He has his childhood battles and I have mine. I don't need to bog down in his when I have my own. A lot of times it's walking away and realizing, not my monkeys, not my circus.
I'm 69. Been married to same partner 42 years. I learned early in our relationship, before kids, to make room for change, and he has does the same for me, thank god. Otherwise we'd have never made it this far. We still have plenty to talk about. And we are so very different from one another. Same politics though; another thank god.
I think being compatible if important but there something else accepting a person for their true selves without trying to change them I'm 73 I live in a nursing home I'm bedridden I don't walk but my mind still works fine I'm a singer and a poet I was married 34 years my husband died 5 years ago but I haven't given up on love
The month before our wedding, sitting at the bar at our local watering hole in Prospect Heights (Bar Sepia), my brain turned on its freak out cycle. We sat in silence while I spun and he noticed until I broke the silence and asked “What do you think keeps two people together?” Without missing a beat, he said “Glue.” Spin cycle ended. We’ve been together now for about 26 years. Humour goes a long, long way.
The secret for me is that I don't expect my partner/husband to be everything to me. What a recipe for disappointment! He is not my bestie; he's my life partner. This was the example my parents set for me, for good or ill. 25 years and counting.
It only took me 17 years of my 34 year marriage to realize that my husband hadn’t gotten everything he wanted either. Suddenly we were equals. The next 17 years were the best years until he died young at age 58
What an intriguing first sentence. I'd read your novel if it opened like this.
Agree!
Amazing. (And what a great line of writing.) Thanks, Verna. <3
This reads like a NYT Tiny Love Story!
Sorry he’s no longer here although he’s still in your heart on Valentine’s Day.
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband is the age yours was when he passed. I can only imagine how it must have felt staring into all the years you would live without him.
I am 67 and my wife is going to be 69 this year. We have been together for 46 years, and have known each other for 50 years. I have three rules for a successful relationship:
1. Lower your expectations. Many relationships fail because of expectations, which are often projections on to your partner. If you go in to a relationship saying I can change them, you are doomed. People will change, but concentrating on making someone different than they are, will cause you to miss what good qualities they might have.
2. You both need a good sense of humour. Being able to laugh together is important because laughing lightens the load.
3. And I joke that this may be the most important, Who Do We Hate This Week? A common enemy will bring you together. Now I could just as easily have said Who Do We Love Tgus Week, but it’s not as funny.
Although it’s not a rule, having a good sex life, common interests, uncommon interests, being secure in your identities, appreciating the other person all the time, and learning forgiveness are all important too.
In the past 4 years I had a triple bypass and cancer. A major life threatening experience will also bring you together, as they make you realize how much you love each other and how much you are loved. There is an urgency. Urgency is as important as agency, because life is temporary, but it is all we have. Enjoy what you have. And don’t worry about being right. Being right is overrated. Knowing when not to say something is also helpful.
I quit drinking two years ago. That helps me to listen better. My wife is the designated drinker. That helps her to live with me. Now when I am being a jerk, I can’t blame it on the booze. Men can be jerks. So can women. Hypothetically.
Eden Ahbez wrote one of my favourite songs, Nature Boy, whose lyric is “ the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.”
Happy Valentine’s Day.
I love all of this, Dennis. (Although not the heart issues and cancer! Glad you're okay.) And you're right about a common enemy. Very bonding sometimes.
Yes, a sense of humor is key. Also lowering your expectations. :-)
That's wonderful to hear, Sari—my wife Emma actually created the Nerve personals (she was Em of Em&Lo), and we met on there 20 years ago, as well.
I can't speak for Emma, but on my side, letting go of fixed ideas of who we both are has helped. As people, parents, the work we're doing—we've both changed so much in two decades.
Earlier on, I felt myself wishing she'd change in certain ways, and she expressed some of what she wished was different about me. Over the years I learned (of course) that not only can we never change anyone else, but actually the things about her I found most frustrating were actually the things I needed most, aspects of my own personality that I struggled with.
Anyway, more than anything, losing my parents has made me feel the temporariness of everything, and I feel endlessly grateful for her. ❤️
Wow!!! I am also endlessly grateful to her! 🙏 Please thank Emma (and Lo if they're still in touch) for Brian and me, because without her, we might never have met! 💝 I love what you have learned in your 20 years together. Thanks for sharing.
I also replied to Sari, that I too met my husband on Nerve! How wonderful that the group of us are 20 years on in our Nerve marriages/partnerships :-) The world is indeed very small. thanks to your wife for creating the Nerve personals!!
I love that, Janine! Emma was very pleased to hear this. We have quite a few friends who are also Nerve couples. Funnily enough, I asked Emma the other day what prompted launching the personals, and she said Nerve's founder mentioned it, and Emma thought immediately that it was a terrible idea, and that it would be cheesy. He told her and Lorelei to "make it cool, then," so they sat on the Nerve fire escape smoking cigarettes all evening and coming up with the questionnaire. Glad for all of us that they stuck with it.
I love this. I should interview her and Lo for Oldster!
I'm obviously very biased, but I think they'd be amazing. Lorelei's still a good pal, and lives just north of us (Rhinebeck/Red Hook). I'll DM you their emails.
Wow, that is a great story. I will share that with my husband, he will certainly get a kick out of all of convening through the Oldster site :-) Thanks again for sharing
I am 76 and have been with the same woman for nearly 55 years. To me, the key has been to be there for her, as she is for me. The “us” doesn’t replace the “me,” but it sure is frequently in the forefront. For many years now, “home” is wherever we are, together. We married at 22 and 19, and so have grown up together, “together” being the key word. We’re very lucky.
I love this. Finding the right us/me balance seems key.
I read an interview with a leading family therapist who said that after decades of studying relationships, her first advice for maintaining lasting, loving relationships is: spend time with each other WITH FRIENDS. Specifically, do not try to save your relationship by going on date nights ONLY with your partner(s). Doing this helps you remember how funny, thoughtful, or what good storytellers your partner(s) are because it allows you to observe how loved they are by people other than you. I have found this to be accurate, on repeat.
I have been with my partner for twenty-four years. We hit a rough spot early on with household chores. Who hasn't hit this rough spot, honestly? Who is doing more dishes, who is cleaner, etc? It is a trap door through which many couples fall and can't return. A friend suggested we meet weekly to discuss house chores as if we were housemates (you are!). Who is going to pick up the farm share this week? Who is going to scrub the bathtub and take out the garbage? Who is going to clean out the grubby vegetable drawer? It makes things crystal clear and doesn't leave room for resentment. After our weekly meeting, we then spend an hour or two playing great music while checking chores off our list. The music helps. Doing things no one wants to do, but doing them TOGETHER, helps. We have been doing this for almost twenty years, and I swear it has diluted the lion's share of arguments.
I love both of these concepts, Jacinta! (Double date soon?) The second one reminds me of Carol Channing's "Housework" bit in Free to Be...You and Me: https://youtu.be/OCVR04-Mtng?si=XqmfYE8pOpsMsMm3
I think of the way I speak to my now husband -- "Honey, did you take out the trash?" -- versus the way I spoke to my first one -- "Omfg, you don't even care if we live like animals--" and I feel very bad for the way I acted, although he was no saint, either. Also, I take out the trash sometimes :)
<3
As someone who never found romantic love, this is all interesting to read from the outside looking in. But also important to practice self acceptance and not feel cultural pressure (just in general, not here) to join the club. Back to the chocolate now.
I’m big on finding ways to resist cultural pressure!
60...married to my original for 33 years in september, together 35 in april.
requirements for long love IMO:
humor. patience. the ability to take turns. the ability to be cranky without fear. the ability and willingness to be a team.
after that, it's easy ;) (yeah. sure it is.)
Sounds like a good formula!
“Original” is such a better term than “first husband”. Nice.
About that, a funny.
When I married the first time at 48, I got tired of being ‘my third wife’ (what is this, a sled dog team?). I began to introduce him as ‘my first husband’. Heh heh. That crap stopped. But not the rest.
He’s now making his #4 miserable. It’s a fake part that’s already scripted, any body will do.
I’m free and it’s literally more likely I will fly than ever ever remarry. Seriously ultralights look amazing!
As someone who didn’t get married until 56, I’ve had a lot of experience with being in relationships of varying lengths. I’m a successful musician, and most of my boyfriends were artists of one kind or another. It always started the same- they were attracted by my music life initially, and then jealousy would set in. At age 50, I reevaluated what I wanted in a man, and told my sister “I just want a regular guy- no more artists- but he has to love art and music!” And voila- I met the love of my life on Match, and 14 years later, here we are! He loves my musical life, yet is not threatened or jealous of it. He supports my love of music and we are happy as clams! I play the piano for him all the time!
Amazing. Thanks.
Like a lot of women, I left a 22-year marriage when coming up to my 50th birthday (and wrote a book about it called Late Love: Mating in Maturity). When contemplating our much longer and lengthening lives, keeping good relationships thriving over decades is an art - and a leadership skill. I am always amazed how many leadership skills we amass at work... but then never deploy at home. Great couples are a bit like great companies. They take vision, attention, communication and prioritisation. When's the last time you had a performance review - at home? Maybe it's time.
Interesting analogy. Thanks, Avivah. Love the book title, too.
a nod to Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity…
I'm 71 and have been married for 51 years. I was 19 when we married and always said I grew up in my marriage. I think the big thing I learned is using humor. We laugh about a lot of things. Also, not letting his shit rub off on me. He has his childhood battles and I have mine. I don't need to bog down in his when I have my own. A lot of times it's walking away and realizing, not my monkeys, not my circus.
<3
Same here re not getting bogged down in his stuff! That's something I've had to learn — and am still learning at 63.
I'm 69. Been married to same partner 42 years. I learned early in our relationship, before kids, to make room for change, and he has does the same for me, thank god. Otherwise we'd have never made it this far. We still have plenty to talk about. And we are so very different from one another. Same politics though; another thank god.
That makes so much sense. And I don't know how couples with differing politics survive.
I think being compatible if important but there something else accepting a person for their true selves without trying to change them I'm 73 I live in a nursing home I'm bedridden I don't walk but my mind still works fine I'm a singer and a poet I was married 34 years my husband died 5 years ago but I haven't given up on love
I'm sorry for your loss, but happy to hear you haven't given up on love. <3 Acceptance = important for sure!
The month before our wedding, sitting at the bar at our local watering hole in Prospect Heights (Bar Sepia), my brain turned on its freak out cycle. We sat in silence while I spun and he noticed until I broke the silence and asked “What do you think keeps two people together?” Without missing a beat, he said “Glue.” Spin cycle ended. We’ve been together now for about 26 years. Humour goes a long, long way.
What a great story!
Sweeet.
The secret for me is that I don't expect my partner/husband to be everything to me. What a recipe for disappointment! He is not my bestie; he's my life partner. This was the example my parents set for me, for good or ill. 25 years and counting.
Makes sense. Thanks!
Communicate; don't expect your partner to read your mind. Likewise, listen. Give the benefit of the doubt and remember you're on the same team.
And have fun! Marriage is a lot more joyful than I would've guessed. Even after 23 years, and counting
Nice.