What Is the Secret to Lasting Love?
In your experience. A Friday Open Thread for Valentine's Day.
Readers,
Happy Valentine’s Day, from me to you! As a Libra with a capital L, I’m a little bit in love with love and always have been, so I get a little excited for this holiday.
I didn’t so much in the years I was unhappily single—or when I was young, and rakish boyfriends couldn’t be bothered to even pick up a card, scoffing that this was “only a Hallmark holiday,” which I guess it is. I’m still a sucker for it.
These days I’m happily married for 20 years (
and I celebrated our anniversary a little over a week ago). We’ve got a good thing that’s mostly easy, and I attribute that to a combination of luck, and actively tending the fire, with intention.It helps that we are very compatible. Sure, we have our disagreements. But we’ve mostly learned which ones are worth arguing over, and which are best let go.
Before meeting in 2003, we both learned a lot from bad relationships—or at least ones that weren’t built to go the distance. We both say that if we’d met even three weeks sooner, we wouldn’t have been quite ready for each other. (It’s funny—we tell people we met “later in life,” but I was 38 and he was 41, and from where we stand now, at 59 and 62, that doesn’t really feel like “later” at all.)
We met through a dating site, Nerve Personals, which was considered the “edgy,” cool one in those days. My profile tagline was: “Give. Receive. Repeat.” It was wisdom I’d gleaned in therapy with a great shrink in the city—the notion that relationships work best when there’s a steady back-and-forth of giving and getting, on both partners’ parts. That no one partner deserves more or less of anything—attention, support, affection, etc. Both people’s needs matter equally.
Back then I was taking my newfound wisdom for a spin on the World Wide Web without really knowing whether it held up, but over time, I’ve found it works. In my mind now it seems to be the secret to lasting love. Or a secret. Well, once you’ve first found someone who agrees with that, and who’s as good at giving as they are at receiving. And, of course, who makes your heart flutter.
I’m curious what you all believe is the secret to lasting love. Although I know that long-term relationships (and even short-term ones) aren’t for everyone. See
’s “The Secret Lovers of Single Life,” from June:
But for those who are interested in relationships, in the comments please tell us:
How old are you? What, in your experience, has proven to be the secret to lasting love? (You can list more than one.) How did you learn this? How old were you? From whom did you learn it? Was it taught to you, or did you figure it out on your own? What have you discovered doesn’t work? How did you learn that?
Thanks for reading and for chiming in, those of you who choose to. 🙏💝 A happy Valentine’s Day to all who celebrate. Have a great weekend!
- Sari
PS Did you catch my interview with
, conducted over Substack Live, yesterday? I quizzed her about what it’s like to be her age, using The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire. You can check it out here:
It only took me 17 years of my 34 year marriage to realize that my husband hadn’t gotten everything he wanted either. Suddenly we were equals. The next 17 years were the best years until he died young at age 58
I am 67 and my wife is going to be 69 this year. We have been together for 46 years, and have known each other for 50 years. I have three rules for a successful relationship:
1. Lower your expectations. Many relationships fail because of expectations, which are often projections on to your partner. If you go in to a relationship saying I can change them, you are doomed. People will change, but concentrating on making someone different than they are, will cause you to miss what good qualities they might have.
2. You both need a good sense of humour. Being able to laugh together is important because laughing lightens the load.
3. And I joke that this may be the most important, Who Do We Hate This Week? A common enemy will bring you together. Now I could just as easily have said Who Do We Love Tgus Week, but it’s not as funny.
Although it’s not a rule, having a good sex life, common interests, uncommon interests, being secure in your identities, appreciating the other person all the time, and learning forgiveness are all important too.
In the past 4 years I had a triple bypass and cancer. A major life threatening experience will also bring you together, as they make you realize how much you love each other and how much you are loved. There is an urgency. Urgency is as important as agency, because life is temporary, but it is all we have. Enjoy what you have. And don’t worry about being right. Being right is overrated. Knowing when not to say something is also helpful.
I quit drinking two years ago. That helps me to listen better. My wife is the designated drinker. That helps her to live with me. Now when I am being a jerk, I can’t blame it on the booze. Men can be jerks. So can women. Hypothetically.
Eden Ahbez wrote one of my favourite songs, Nature Boy, whose lyric is “ the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.”
Happy Valentine’s Day.