This is (Almost) 90: Ammi Kohn Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I want to take one more grand adventure out of doors, on flat land with someone else doing the lifting and arrangements."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, playwright and memoirist Ammi Kohn responds. -Sari Botton

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Ammi Kohn, age 89, with his great-granddaughter Ava in Jackson, Mississippi.

Ammi Kohn was born in 1933 to two immigrant parents and grew up on the East Coast. He retired at age 54 from a career in Federal bureaucracy and embarked on a nomadic, creative lifestyle that took him across the country. Ammi is an oral historian, and the author of a play called Lama Genesis/Lama Incarnations, based on transcripts from interviews he recorded with founders and members of the oldest, continuously operating intentional community in the country. His memoir, Unfinished: My View from the Ninth Decade, is a reflection on a life journey that traverses growing up as a rabbi’s son, working within the military-industrial complex, navigating fatherhood, volunteering in parks, living in a retreat center, and eventually finding his place in a small, strange town on the Colorado Front Range. A collaboration with his granddaughter and editor Lauren Rhoades, Unfinished was published this year. Ammi now lives in Brookline, Massachusetts where he is working on his second book.

How old are you?

I’ll be 90 in November.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

Curiously enough, my pre-adolescent self, between 9 and 12 years old.

Although I usually stay in the present, as a result of writing my memoir and reliving pivotal moments in my life, I am now intrigued and very much aware of how much my young self remains hidden in the recesses of my consciousness. Always the perennial question: how much have we really changed? In what ways is that “unchanged part” hidden from ourselves?

My last four decades have been a joy. In many ways, I’ve lived backwards since I retired early at 54, feeling younger as each year passed, until recently with heart disease.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I generally don’t compare myself to others or think about those questions except with regard to people in my age bracket…and then I really feel out of step. 

I usually walk about a mile-and-a-half a day, often two to two-and-a-half in comfortable weather, practice my yoga/stretching routine three of every four days with the fourth day for body rest, meditate daily for 45 minutes to an hour. My mind is still sharp (I think!), I play a decent game of chess, and I’ve just published a memoir. So, physically and mentally, I feel quite out of step with most nonagenarians.

This year, after turning in the final draft of my memoir, I started on a new project: untangling the seven-generation saga of my family and its Americanization. I’m beginning with the story of my amnesiac Orthodox Jewish great grandfather in 1850s Russia, who, as a result of a head injury, had years of his childhood wiped from his memory, and ending with my 2-year-old biracial great granddaughter in Jackson, Mississippi.

I dislike talking about illness and the woes of the world. So, I have a hard time relating to almost everyone my age. 

I relate much better to younger people, and they seem to get along well with me. I could not have written my memoir without the help of these tech-savvy youngsters. Since I moved to Boston from Colorado’s San Luis Valley because of the difficulties of living with heart disease at 8,000-foot altitude, I’ve had the good fortune of having technical assistance from four young people in their 20s. It’s so fun getting to know them, each of us treating the other as an equal. I now have a more personal understanding of the challenges that young, educated people face early in their careers and in graduate school, and in return they have a bond with a surrogate grandfather. We enjoy each other and have great conversations. And they get home-cooked meals when they come over to help me, usually once a week. 

Ammi Kohn in 1967, age 34, a father of three young children, in Arlington, Virginia.

What do you like about being your age?

The male equivalent of wearing purple. Being at peace with myself, laughing at myself for the weird habits I have chosen to live with, finding love and friendship.

What is difficult about being your age?

I wish I could talk with more 90-somethings like me!

It’s also difficult to see younger friends fall by the wayside. Several days ago I went down to check on a young(!) friend, age 83, who did not reply to a text. He was on the floor with a massive stroke and will not be among the living when you read this.

I sometimes have less patience with folly, including my own, despite knowing the universal failings of our species.

A new project: untangling the seven-generation saga of my family and its Americanization. I’m beginning with the story of my amnesiac Orthodox Jewish great grandfather in 1850s Russia, who, as a result of a head injury, had years of his childhood wiped from his memory, and ending with my 2-year-old biracial great granddaughter in Jackson, Mississippi.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

Told by whom? I have enough years on me to remember the overwhelmingly negative dated stereotypes of old age, at odds with what the contemporary literature now sells us about the “golden” years. (If you have money and health!) I just love those handsome and mostly unwrinkled, buff, beautiful seniors in AARP advertisements! I really don’t remember any particular expectations from my younger years.

My last four decades have been a joy. In many ways, I’ve lived backwards since I retired early at 54, feeling younger as each year passed, until recently with heart disease. My physical condition seems fairly stable even now.

1944, age 10, reciting the four questions at Passover seder next to his rabbi father.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging has given me so much. The only valuable thing it’s taken away is the vigor and health of younger years. But that is the price of admission.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

As with many of your other Oldsters replying to this question, I feel more myself, more sure of who I am, more self-aware, and at the same time, thank god, more aware of how much in common I have with our fellow human beings. Makes it easier to forgive myself when that is necessary.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I’m looking forward to taking my great granddaughter, now almost 2-and-a-half, for a walk and conversation in the park on her 5th birthday, and a festive 95^th birthday party even more fun than my 90^th, if that is possible. I want to take one more grand adventure out of doors, on flat land with someone else doing the lifting and arrangements. And my fantasy: a trip on a ship around the world with friends and family joining me at different ports. It likely won’t happen, but it’s a great fantasy. 

Left, A newly retired Ammi, age 54, with his river running friends, Ranger Tom and Ranger Dave, in Dinosaur National Park in 1986; Right, age 64 in 1997, with his friend Kenny in costume before a performance at the Santa Fe Children’s Theatre.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

I don’t wish to go back, even for those immensely creative and wonderful years in my 70s and 80s when I lived in a straw bale adobe home in a small, eccentric community in the Colorado mountains, writing and producing community plays, writing an oral history, and being involved in a number of community endeavors. Although I cherish those decades, that life is done and the work finished.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Mel Brooks, may he live to be 120!  Creative, witty, a devoted husband with a universally acknowledged 41-year successful marriage in Hollywood to Anne Bancroft, a great achievement. His wit has wisdom. He has made millions of people’s lives a little happier. What a legacy and inspiration! I recommend reading Judd Apatow’s interview with Mel Brooks in the July/August issue of the Atlantic. It’s not often I laugh out loud while reading.

I’m looking forward to taking my great granddaughter, now almost 2-and-a-half, for a walk and conversation in the park on her 5th birthday, and a festive 95^th birthday party even more fun than my 90^th, if that is possible.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I gave up driving when I moved to Boston, but I don’t miss it. I’ve had to start walking slower these past few years. It took some years to curb my impulse to walk fast even after I started taking heart-related meds five years ago. I don’t anymore mind younger people holding the door open for me. I fume at the younger ones who sit in public transit seats reserved for elders, and I’m not at all embarrassed to tap them on the shoulder and glare; they vacate quickly. And I’m just fine with seating myself and treating myself to a rest while the younger ones stand.  

Order Ammi Kohn’s memoir.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I refuse to give up my daily walk, regardless of the weather and any aches and pains. I only missed three or four last winter, except when I had COVID. My children, in their late 50s and 60s, could probably list any number of annoying things their father does not adjust to, which might make their life a bit easier. But I certainly can’t think of any.

Left, Kohn at age 77 in 2010, in front of his straw bale home in Crestone, Colorado; Right, age 89 in 2023, striking an impromptu “tree pose” while on a walk in Boston.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

In 2010, I began favoring big celebrations on the fives and zeros. There may not be too many more.

My children surprise me and I entertain them. For my 80^th, when I lived in Colorado in the San Luis Valley, I invited my community theatre group to play scenes at the birthday party, and the family went on a tour of the nearby yak farm. On my 85^th, I enjoyed getting roasted by my family for all the things they said I did (I still believe they made up the stories). My 90th birthday party will be the biggest yet, and I will enjoy seeing people from different eras in my life. 

A recommendation for a fun recitation at a birthday party: poetry by Don Marquis, author of “The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitable.” Toujours gai, toujours gai (always cheerful), says Mehitable the Cat, after each disastrous amorous adventure. Free verse and very amusing.  Somewhat dated.  Like Moi?

From “Song of Mehitabel” by Don Marquis:

My youth I shall never forget

But there’s nothing I really regret.

There’s a dance in the old dame yet,

Toujours gai,t oujours gai…