This is 80: Veteran Journalist Melinda Blau Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"As I accumulated years—meeting people, having experiences, being in life—I built on the essential Me, became more skilled as I tried new things, and stronger each time life knocked me down."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, journalist, speaker, advice columnist and more

Melinda Blau

responds. - Sari Botton

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Melinda Blau at her 80th birthday party. Photo by Lindsey Larson.

Melinda Blau, writer, speaker, and social observer is an award-winning journalist and author of 16 books, including The Wisdom Whisperers: Golden Guides to a Long Life of Grit, Grace, and Laughter and the New York Times bestseller, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, written for the late Tracy Hogg. Melinda’s “beat” and her life are all about relationships. She is a partner of 31 years and counting, a mother, grandmother, friend to many and has a wide circle of consequential strangers in all the places she lives: New York, Paris, Miami. 

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How old are you?

80

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

I am around 40 inside, perhaps because I threw myself a “forty and free” party after my divorce. I look back at that time as the beginning of a struggle to stand on my own, for better and worse. Also, at 40, I hit my stride professionally, providing tangible evidence that I was, indeed, a grown-up.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

This feels like a trick question. Age is years lived. What 20 or 40 or 80 feels like depends on who’s feeling it. I don’t feel old, I don’t feel young, and I don’t compare my age or existence to anyone else. I learned this from Zelda, one of the women I call “my old ladies.” When she turned 100, I asked “How does it feel to be this old?” Her answer was perfect: “Compared to what? I’ve never been a hundred before.”

Blau, right, with Marge, left, one of her “old ladies,” in 2017. Photo by Susan Kravitz.

What do you like about being your age?

I have a track record. I can look back at the good and the bad and learn from it. I trust my instincts. I’ve done hard things, and that tells me I can do them again. As a writer, I’ve matured and become more willing to put myself in my work.   

I don’t feel old, I don’t feel young, and I don’t compare my age or existence to anyone else. I learned this from Zelda, one of the women I call “my old ladies.” When she turned 100, I asked “How does it feel to be this old?” Her answer was perfect: “Compared to what? I’ve never been a hundred before.”

What is difficult about being your age?

Most challenging is having an 80-year-old body that I gave less attention to developing than my brain. I’ve expanded my mind and made it work hard, but I haven’t paid nearly as much attention to my body. I don’t think about this as I go about my day…except when I get up from a chair after sitting for a while!

Also, at 80, I’m near the end of my life. While I don’t dwell or worry, I have no idea when the last page will be written or what it will say. I like to be prepared and, at the same time, I keep in mind the old saying, “(Wo)man plans and God laughs.” All I can do is try to anticipate and, when surprised, know that I must accept what life doles out.  

Blau in her high school year book.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I feel the same inside; I didn’t expect that. Because I see only within, not what others see on the outside, I never imagined being treated differently. My first brush with ageism happened in my mid-60s. A female TV producer told me, “We want you back.  Next time, wear a turtleneck.”

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging has given me a sense of calm, confidence, and a little more patience than I’ve had most of my life.  It has given me a reverence for time. I pay attention to its passing.

Age has taken away my people, the fellow journeyers I’ve enjoyed and loved through life. Of course, I carry them with me, but their physical absence reminds me that we have so little control—and so little time.  

Most challenging is having an 80-year-old body that I gave less attention to developing than my brain. I’ve expanded my mind and made it work hard, but I haven’t paid nearly as much attention to my body. I don’t think about this as I go about my day…except when I get up from a chair after sitting for a while!

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

Getting older is a cumulative process, a continual becoming. I was introspective as a child, curious about everything. That essential Me hasn’t changed. But as I accumulated years — meeting people, having experiences, being in life — I built on the essential Me, became more skilled as I tried new things,, and stronger each time life knocked me down.

Blau’s passport photo circa 1965.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I’m not sure I’ve had or missed any, except death — and I’m in no rush to experience that. I have never subscribed to a three-part life, where after school, you work until you retire. I was blessed to forge a career in which I could continue to learn as I worked and could retire by taking life-affirming pauses in between. I don’t intend to quit any of it as long as my brain spits out words. 

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

That’s like asking me to pick a favorite child! Each age is different and lovable in its own way. I would not go back to any age — good thing, because we don’t get do-overs (at least in this life!).  That said, it’s fun to visit the past and see it through present eyes.     

I’m near the end of my life. While I don’t dwell or worry, I have no idea when the last page will be written or what it will say. I like to be prepared and, at the same time, I keep in mind the old saying, “(Wo)man plans and God laughs.” All I can do is try to anticipate and, when surprised, know that I must accept what life doles out.  

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Yes, glad you asked this. I admire celebrities like Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren, Nancy Pelosi and the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg, women who are active, engaged, and not afraid to tell us how old they are. But my greatest inspiration comes from a special group of friends I call “my old ladies.” I picked up my first at 46, and I’m still on the lookout. Each one has something I admire: Ruth’s grace in the face of tragedy. Henrietta’s acceptance and fortitude. Zelda’s warm, humor and determination to “look for the good,” no matter what happens. Betty’s presence. Sylvia’s joyful engagement. Marge’s wit, competence, and generosity. I met them at different points in my life and each time, thought, I want what she has. I want to be old like her. 

Order the book…

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

The biggest age-related adjustment happened in my mind. One day in front of a mirror, I caught a glimpse of my naked body after a shower.  It was as if aliens had come down while I slept, attaching a different torso to my head. The face was okay but that body!  Luckily, I stopped myself.  I was 68, already not young. A voice inside – one I’d later think of as my inner old lady – said instead, “Not bad for 68!”  Since that day I try to accept what life and the unseen forces of the Universe have given me. I care about how I look, so I help a little—we all have a line in the sand.  I color my grey hair; wear makeup more often and belts less frequently. But I’m no longer shocked with each new wrinkle, blemish, or roll of belly fat. I’m grateful to still be here, 17 years older than my mother when she died.

I feel the same inside; I didn’t expect that. Because I see only within, not what others see on the outside, I never imagined being treated differently. My first brush with ageism happened in my mid-60s. A female TV producer told me, “We want you back.  Next time, wear a turtleneck.”

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

One of my mottos is, never say never. I can’t see around corners. When I was younger, I probably wouldn’t have predicted giving up high heels for sneakers! Who knows what other adjustments I’ll have to make? But I doubt I’ll refuse any. One of Marge’s friends wouldn’t use a cane because it “made her look old.” Marge put this in perspective: “How old is she going to look in a wheelchair after she falls?”

“Age 47 “undercover” doing research for an article on S&M for New York magazine in 1990 — off to  The Vault!”

Some adjustments are easier than others. I wouldn’t hesitate to use a cane to feel mobile, safe, and still be engaged in life. That’s an easy fix. I can buy a cane. Other challenges of aging require the discipline and willingness to do what’s “good” for you. I know I should be stretching daily, but I struggle to get down on my yoga mat! That’s something I can’t order online.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I’m all for celebrating milestones. I wrote a piece last year on the importance of acknowledging birthdays, especially as they pile up. How I mark the day depends on where I am geographically and what else is going on in my life.  Sometimes I want a few close friends, family, or just my partner, and sometimes a big gala. I’m planning two book parties, which is a “birth-day” of sorts, because it feels good to finish a book at 80. I never imagined this in 1977, at 34 when my first article was published in New York.