This is 74: Mary Pipher Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I'm not trying to change people anymore."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, Reviving Ophelia author Mary Pipher—whose new book, A Light in Light: Meditations on Impermanence, comes out Tuesday, June 28th— responds. - Sari Botton
How old are you?
I am 74.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
I feel exactly 74.
I look my age. I’ve lived a life outdoors in the sun and I smoked until I was 35.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
Well, in some ways I feel both older and younger than my peers. I am mostly healthy and still working as a writer. I also am an activist.
I am curious and engaged with my family, friends, and community.
However, I look my age. I’ve lived a life outdoors in the sun and I smoked until I was 35.
I also am attending funerals of my peers. More funerals than dances for the first time in my life.
What do you like about being your age?
I like the freedom to structure my time. I can organize my time around projects and seeing people I enjoy. If I feel like it, I can read all day.
It also seems that my friends have grown kinder as they aged.
The greatest gift of old age is an expanded moral imagination. By the time we are in our 70s, we can appreciate the world from many points of view.
What is difficult about being your age?
Loss, loss, and loss.
I’ve lost my parents, all my aunts and uncles and many close friends. I also have several friends with Alzheimer’s Disease or Parkinson’s and it is hard to see my lively friends diminished.
The greatest gift of old age is an expanded moral imagination. By the time we are in our 70s, we can appreciate the world from many points of view.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
My grandmothers, aunts and mother were rather sedentary adults. I am active physically with water aerobics, yoga, swimming, and hiking. I am much more fit than previous generations of women in my family.
I am more contemplative than I expected to be. I was raised a Methodist, joined a Unitarian Church as an adult and now I am a Buddhist.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Time takes away a great deal. It’s been hard for me to see my children age. They both have gray hair now. My young adoring grandchildren are growing up and away from me.
I don’t feel as if I have lost much by aging. I still live almost exactly the way I have always lived. Yet, it is very difficult to come to terms with the constant change. Accepting impermanence is a spiritual goal of mine.
I am more contemplative than I expected to be. I was raised a Methodist, joined a Unitarian Church as an adult and now I am a Buddhist.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
Oddly, I am less sure of many things. I question certain beliefs I’ve always held about myself and others. I am less opinionated and judgmental.
I am more self-aware which is both a positive and negative experience.
Most of the time, I am happy with myself, my husband and with my primary relationships. I am not trying to change people anymore.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I am not looking forward to any particular event in the future.
Rather, I try to focus on enjoying each day. I try to stay awake in the present.
When I was younger, I started my day by putting together a to-do list. Now I meditate. That allows me to move into the morning relaxed and attentive.
When I succeed at that, gifts from the universe shower down on me.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
Every decade has brought its gifts and burdens. We all live in dappled light, shade and sparkle.
I loved having young children in the home.
I liked how busy I was and how essential to the children’s well-being. I was a working mother, but I was lucky to be able to schedule therapy clients and classes so that I could maximize my time with the family.
Children’s perceptions are so fresh and they love physical contact. We had lots of laughter in the house. I miss young children in my daily life.
I’ve always had communities of friends. My husband is a musician and I’ve spent many of my evenings dancing and talking with friends. I am in a camping group with twelve women writers and we’ve had a wonderful time over the years.
I don’t really think about going back to an era. I focus on the day I am in.
When I was younger, I started my day by putting together a to-do list. Now I meditate. That allows me to move into the morning relaxed and attentive.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
My mother’s mother is a role model. She was an educated, cultured woman who lived most of her life on a small ranch in Eastern Colorado. She never complained about the poverty and backbreaking chores. She faced widowhood and her own leukemia with such dignity and equanimity. She stayed cheerful and interested in other people.
My friend and former editor, Jane Isay, is also a role model. She is a writer and community organizer. We talk every other week and I learn a great deal from her.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I’ve never worried much about appearance or style. My mother was a doctor and she taught me to focus on being useful and having fun. I have never been a great beauty and my looks have not been a significant part of my identity.
Because of fears of falling, I given up ice-skating, cross-country skiing, and biking. I don’t walk when it’s icy. However, I have plenty of ways I can be active.
I could benefit from taking on less responsibility. I haven’t slowed down as much as I should. I still make the plans of a 50-year-old and then I am tired at the end of the day.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
I am not sure there are any age-related adjustments. I know people in their 80s who seem to be living as they always have. Illness and injuries require adjustments. Loss requires adjustments.
I could benefit from taking on less responsibility. I haven’t slowed down as much as I should. I still make the plans of a 50-year-old and then I am tired at the end of the day.
I am a curious person who wants to be out in the world helping and enjoying myself. I’ve lived in the same community for 50 years and I know many people. COVID has kept me away from some of my friends, but not aging.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I am not one to care for objects as presents. I always ask my family for gifts of time together or creativity. That takes many forms. On my 60th birthday, my son made our family a beautiful Indian meal. The children learned poems and performed a small play. My daughter, son-in-law and daughter-in-law formed a band and played my favorite folk songs. It was a wonderful night.
What I value most is just being with the people I love.
I was interested in Reviving Ophelia at a young age - drawn to it maybe before my time. Recently, at 50, I found Women Rowing North and was so surprised to put the proverbial two and two together. Felt that same surprise today upon finding her here. Thank you ~~~
Such a lovely, clear-eyed account of what it is to be an older woman today. Thank you.