This is 68: Obituary Writer James Robert Hagerty Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"Obituaries are about life, not death. If obituaries can't be fun, I always say, what's the point of dying?"
Happy New Year, everyone! 🎉
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, James R. Hagerty, a journalist and author of Yours Truly: An Obituary Writer’s Guide to Telling Your Story, a guide to writing life stories, responds. - Sari Botton
James Robert Hagerty, known to friends as Bob, has been a reporter and editor for the Wall Street Journal for more than 40 years. During that period, he has lived in London, Brussels, Hong Kong, New York, Atlanta and Pittsburgh. For the past eight years, he has specialized in obituaries. He also has contributed articles to the New York Times and Washington Post, among other publications. He grew up in North Dakota and studied economics at the University of North Dakota. Hagerty is the founder of a Scrabble club and serves as commissioner of a senior softball league. He also volunteers as an English-language tutor for immigrants. He is the author of Yours Truly: An Obituary Writer’s Guide to Telling Your Story,, a guide to writing life stories, which was featured in the Washington Post, Wall Street Journal and New York Times.
--
How old are you?
68.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
In my waking hours, I am fully aware of being in my late 60s and verging on 70. In dreams, for some reason, I always seem to be a young man with plenty of hair.
Around age 60, I finally discovered my ideal role: writing obituaries. I’ve now written more than 1,000 of them for the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times and other publications. I never tire of exploring how and why people take (or choose?) one path or another in life.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
Because I am physically fit and can still run pretty fast for my age, I like to think I could pass for being a few years younger. I may be kidding myself.
What do you like about being your age?
I’m less concerned than I was about how other people judge me. I think I’ve become less critical of other people as I’ve become more aware of my own shortcomings. And, unlike in my youth, I can always think of something to say, mainly because I’ve seen and heard and read so much in so many places. Anything you mention reminds me of something. I now have so many things to say that I risk becoming a terrible bore. So I need to restrain myself.
What is difficult about being your age?
Figuring out how to be a helpful but not overbearing father to adult children who may wonder why I brought them into such a frightening world.
Writing obituaries also has given me a mission: Persuading people to write (or record) their own stories, while they still can. Too many fascinating stories are lost because they were never written down and are only vaguely remembered by friends and family. So write your own story! Don’t leave it to friends and family.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
Around age 60, I finally discovered my ideal role: writing obituaries. I’ve now written more than 1,000 of them for the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times and other publications. I never tire of exploring how and why people take (or choose?) one path or another in life.
Writing obituaries also has given me a mission: Persuading people to write (or record) their own stories, while they still can. Too many fascinating stories are lost because they were never written down and are only vaguely remembered by friends and family. So write your own story! Don’t leave it to friends and family. Despite their best intentions, they are almost certain to make a hash of it. My book “Yours Truly” can help you get this job done. Writing your story may be the best gift you ever give to loved ones. It’s a gift only you can give. And if you don’t give it, when you die, it’s gone.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Empathy. Credibility.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
When I was a young reporter, I needed to prove that I wasn’t totally naïve. Now I need to prove I am not totally incapable of understanding today’s world.
I’d like to sit down by a fire, with a beer and maybe some sad music, and have a chat with everyone in the world, one at a time, about what they are trying to do with their lives, and why, and how that’s working out.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I have never thought in those terms. Perhaps I missed the carefree days of youth, if those ever existed.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I felt most physically fit in my late 30s. I would enjoy reliving that feeling of infinite energy. But I don’t think I was either more or less happy then than I am now.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
I admire my mother for remaining feisty and fun into her 90s.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I added a few more chia seeds to my oatmeal.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
Dyeing my hair. It looks fraudulent.
In my waking hours, I am fully aware of being in my late 60s and verging on 70. In dreams, for some reason, I always seem to be a young man with plenty of hair.
What turn of events had the biggest impact on your life? What took your life in a different direction, for better or worse?
Having children.
What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you’d do differently?
I regret having married in my early 20s before I was ready. But when I think back about the many mistakes I have made, I always remind myself that if I hadn’t made those mistakes, I would have made other mistakes, perhaps worse.
I felt most physically fit in my late 30s. I would enjoy reliving that feeling of infinite energy. But I don’t think I was either more or less happy then than I am now.
What is high up on your “bucket list?” What do you hope to achieve, attain, or plain enjoy before you die?
I’d like to sit down by a fire, with a beer and maybe some sad music, and have a chat with everyone in the world, one at a time, about what they are trying to do with their lives, and why, and how that’s working out.
Is there a piece of advice you were given, that you live by? If so, what was it, and who offered it to you?
If you feel sad and discouraged, do something kind for someone else, no matter how trivial, and you’ll magically feel a bit better. I figured that out for myself, but many others discovered it before I did.
Because I am physically fit and can still run pretty fast for my age, I like to think I could pass for being a few years younger. I may be kidding myself.
What are your plans for your body when you’re done using it? Burial? Cremation? Body Farm? Other? And what do you expect to happen to your “soul” or “spirit” after you die?
Cremation. I have no expectations. Like Iris Dement, I choose to “let the mystery be.”
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I don’t celebrate them. I aim to make the most of every day, and birthdays have never seemed any more significant than other days to me.
My older sister thought it morbid that our mother liked to read obituaries. But as a newspaper reporter who proofread them, I found them fascinating. Writing one's own obit might be the ultimate gift to family and friends, but having someone else do a "developmental edit" could lend genuineness to the task. Bob's book sounds like a great place to start!
“I’d like to sit down by a fire, with a beer and maybe some sad music, and have a chat with everyone in the world, one at a time, about what they are trying to do with their lives, and why, and how that’s working out.” Complete agreement, favorite vocation. There should be a cafe for this, filter in and out, tell each other stories. It’s a whole jam.