This is 66: Leanna James Blackwell Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I missed publishing a novel by 39, a number I anxiously settled on when I got out of grad school at 37. I must have been thinking of '10 Under 40' lists that overlook writers who come to it later."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, writer, editor, and former experimental actor Leanna James Blackwell responds. -Sari Botton
Leanna James Blackwell is a former experimental theatre actor from California who went to grad school for creative writing at 35. She has directed a theatre company for teens in recovery; worked as a communications writer for colleges; published profiles, essays, think pieces, and short fiction; written and directed numerous full-length plays, and helmed the MFA in Creative Nonfiction at Bay Path University in Massachusetts for 10 years, where she is currently a professor of creative writing and editor of Multiplicity Magazine. Her most recent work, just completed, is The Sinners of Santa Ava, a novel inspired in part by her working-class Catholic background. She is a member of the Northampton Playwrights Lab and a therapy lifer. Her most memorable job was working in a matzo factory in Tel Aviv.
How old are you?
66.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
Several ages! Cranking up an old-school playlist of The Pretenders, Patti Smith, and Blondie when I clean the house (and dance around), I’m 18. Reading Mrs. Dalloway, an annual ritual, I feel about 50, the same age as the eponymous Mrs. D. When I had major surgery recently, followed by complications, I felt at least 80. And then in therapy, I can easily feel about 5 years old. I’ve always thought that we are all simultaneously every age we’ve ever been, and that we can move into the consciousness of being that age whenever we summon it. Or when something happens to propel us back…
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I feel young for my age, but maybe that’s because I had a stereotypical of idea of aging. As a 20-year-old who knew everything, I thought that getting older meant slumping on a couch watching golf all day on TV. No more adventure or excitement for you! But life rushed on and I learned—surprise—that people don’t age the same way at all. Along with my friends and colleagues, I’ve become not less but more adventurous, curious, creative, excited to learn, and radical in my heart.
People sometimes ask me if having a younger husband is part of why I don’t feel “old,” or having a daughter in her 20s (a musician and way cooler than I ever was). They might be on to something.
It took this much time (and therapy, meditation, writing, and prayer) to heal from my violent, chaotic childhood. Every step I took was worth it. I’ll never be neurosis-free, but I’m so much closer to inner freedom than I used to be.
What do you like about being your age?
I like almost everything about it. I like knowing my mind and having the confidence to speak it. I like being taken seriously and treated like a whole person instead of a girl—girl in the sense of perceived powerlessness and/or general availability. What’s especially welcome is the knowledge I’ve gained by taking risks and making thousands of mistakes, learning from them, and becoming a stronger and kinder person. I trust myself. I know how to listen to the “still small voice” that tells me the truth. And I no longer attract or create extra drama in my life. (My god, the drama of my 20s and 30s!) The other juicy part of being this age is having lifelong friends. The relationships keep getting deeper and better and richer.
What is difficult about being your age?
I can’t stay up all night without paying for it the next morning. I can’t even make it to midnight. I fantasize about a secret underground nightclub for people over 40, with great music and dancing and art shows and literary readings. It opens at 7 pm and closes by 10, so I can get to bed with a book by 10:30. (Do you know of one? Can we start one?)
And I can’t make my body do all the things it used to do effortlessly. Childbirth, injuries, and fifteen years of perimenopause have all contributed. I have scars. I’m not as lithe and quick as I used to be. But I’m becoming kinder to my body now, and a lot more accepting. A pretty good tradeoff.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
There are so many rewards I didn’t anticipate. The sack of shoulds I used to drag around with me is much lighter now. What I should have accomplished, what I should be doing now, etc. Beneath my ambition was always a yearning for acceptance and approval, something I felt I had to earn every day of my life. All the mental energy that took! It’s freed up now for things that feel good.
I’m also more relaxed about being vulnerable with others. I’m an introvert and private by nature, but over time I’ve learned that I can share my mistakes and insecurities without bursting into flames. The best connections I’ve made with people have come from opening up and inviting people in. I guess the biggest benefit, though, is knowing how to cultivate joy and peace in my life, and spending time with others who do the same. Life is more interesting and pleasurable now than I ever thought it could be.
I fantasize about a secret underground nightclub for people over 40, with great music and dancing and art shows and literary readings. It opens at 7 pm and closes by 10, so I can get to bed with a book by 10:30.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me patience, compassion, and peace. It took this much time (and therapy, meditation, writing, and prayer) to heal from my violent, chaotic childhood. Every step I took was worth it. I’ll never be neurosis-free—is anyone but the Dalai Lama?—but I’m so much closer to inner freedom than I used to be.
Aging has taken my sense of infinite possibility. The odds aren’t great that I will be a human rights lawyer, a scholar of the classics who can read Greek, or a pastry chef. And of course aging has taken youthful cuteness, for lack of a better word. Women learn to use it to navigate the world, and I learned well from my social butterfly mother, who made sure I learned about makeup and manners and clothes and charm. I miss my former face, but most days I’m okay with the one I have. I was complaining once about a photo of me and someone I didn’t know well looked surprised and said, “But this is a good photo. You look intelligent and kind.” Oh. Why did I never see that?
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
I’m more interested in how things feel to me and less concerned with the markers of status. In other words, experience is everything. I experience myself and identify as a loving mother, a loyal partner, a good friend, a caring teacher, a thoughtful writer. And an endlessly curious traveler and seeker.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I missed publishing a novel by 39, a number I anxiously settled on when I got out of grad school at 37. I must have been thinking of one of those “10 Under 40” lists that overlook so many writers who come to it later. Other things pushed the novel aside: parenting, working as a writer-for-hire, managing an Oakland apartment building, moving across the country, negotiating a cascading series of crises with my parents and siblings…in short, life.
I returned to the novel when I finally got a one-semester sabbatical, the first time in my life I’d ever not worked. I finished it two years later, so that’s a milestone for me. The next one I’m looking forward to is becoming fluent in Spanish. I’m starting a class next month and I’m excited about it.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
Hmmm. If I could go back to any age, it might be 37, but only for one day. I was fresh out of a writing program and newly in love with the man who became my husband. I wouldn’t mind feeling the exhilaration of endless possibilities, back in a city I love. But I’d want to come back the next day, to the age I am now. I was excited then, but I’m a lot happier now.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
So many. Alice Munro’s writing has been a constant companion since my 20s. She’s still creating brilliant new work in her 80s. I love Patti Smith for her creative reinventions in music and books and art, and the filmmaker Jane Campion, now 69, who takes exciting and unexpected risks with every film she makes. So did Agnes Varda, before she died at 91. See the documentary Varda by Agnes, made in her 80s, if you ever want a giant helping of inspiration and delight.
Beneath my ambition was always a yearning for acceptance and approval, something I felt I had to earn every day of my life. All the mental energy that took! It’s freed up now for things that feel good.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I stopped dying my hair during the pandemic, waiting for the beautiful silver to come in. It never happened. I got dull grayish mixed with brownish, so I sprayed it silver. I did that for a while, but I got tired of all the spray. Then I tried purple. Now I’m back to brown (or “cappuccino,” as the box says).
About style: I need one. All I ever wear are yoga pants and oversize shirts. Help.
Beauty-wise: I have pale Irish skin but never used sunscreen growing up in southern California. No one did. Now I have to use it religiously or I break out in sun rashes. At night, I slather random potions on my face, although I’m not sure they do anything. I see a dermatologist, who lasered away the worst of my teenage acne scars (thank you, Dr. White). And I have a helpless love for the perfect red lipstick. My first “book,” written at 5 on toilet paper with my mother’s lipstick, might be the reason I still believe that magic exists inside every tube.
Healthwise: I was always into what used to be called “health food” and have been working out in various ways for a long time. Now, though, I have to be more mindful about everything I do, because an injury can be serious business. I had a couple of scary ambulance rides that convinced me of that. And I cut out bread. But oh, I pine for a crusty loaf of sourdough. I even have dreams about it.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I believe in celebrating birthdays. It’s a gift to be alive and a privilege to get older. I’m not one for big parties, but I love going out with my sweetie and a few close friends for a wildly indulgent dinner. Finished off with triple chocolate cake. You’ve got to have cake! (My life philosophy in five words.)
Beautiful! And I am so there for the underground nightclub that closes at 10.
What a great attitude. Very authentic. If I might, could we adjust the underground club hours maybe from 6:30-9:30. I feel 10pm might be a stretch 😬