This is 66: Debut Filmmaker Ilise Harris Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"If you stay in the bubble of your age, and don’t matriculate with younger or older people, you get stuck."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, debut filmmaker and veteran hair and makeup artist responds. - Sari Botton
is the producer/ co-director of Your Roots Are Showing, an upcoming documentary that explores the global movement of women choosing not to cover their gray hair. This is her first film after a long career as freelance makeup/hair artist, she is also the mother of two grown daughters. Find her at her website, IliseHarris.com, on Instagram at @yourootsareshowing, and on Facebook at Your Roots Are Showing.
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How old are you?
I’ve been living this life for 66 years.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
I feel very much the same person I’ve always been. When confronted with my numerical age, it always comes as a factoid, some bit of trivia. There is a family movie of me at around 5 saying, “I’m my own boss.” It’s really funny, kind of poignant as well—such a little stoic.
My age inspires me to do things that I still can, like travel to places that might be inaccessible if my faculties diminish. The awareness of being on borrowed time is more of a reality. I enjoy caring less what anyone thinks of me—that is a real source of freedom and badassery. The invisibility piece, I love it; I can be stealth, and observe situations more acutely, like a fly on the wall.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
Aside from the surprising (why should I be surprised?) signs of physical aging, the kinks and crinks, the disappeared waistline, the teeth cracking, moles and such; I feel young for my age. I feel in step with my peers, although in some ways younger or more in step with younger people. I work at staying relevant. I learn fun things like making reels on Cap-Cut.
I take a salsa/hip-hop fusion dance class with considerably younger women. It’s at 8:30 in the morning, so I’m still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. We dance to music I never would have listened to, much less like, but moving to it helps me understand it, and I find it keeps me grooving. I think that’s the nut. If you stay in the bubble of your age, and don’t matriculate with younger or older people, you get stuck. Why assume the spaces you belong in are defined by your current number of years? If you do, those spaces will get smaller by the year.
What do you like about being your age?
My age inspires me to do things that I still can, like travel to places that might be inaccessible if my faculties diminish. The awareness of being on borrowed time is more of a reality. I enjoy caring less what anyone thinks of me—that is a real source of freedom and badassery. The invisibility piece, I love it; I can be stealth, and observe situations more acutely, like a fly on the wall.
What is difficult about being your age?
I can’t hear so well without my hearing aids, can’t see so well without my glasses. You seem to have more doctor appointments. I liked it better back in the day when you called a doctor, and a friendly person picked up the phone and gave you an appointment in the same month. I’m not loving the portals and passwords. Those are annoyances. The slower metabolism is a drag. Where is my hair? Sometimes after sitting, I feel like an aged German shepherd with cranky hips.
My parents were unusual. There was no retirement/old age mentality in their worldview. My dad was the oldest person in New York to earn a blackbelt in karate somewhere in his middle age. He was a retired dentist who worked as a lifeguard at his gym till he died at age 87. My mom is currently 87, lives independently, and teaches yoga every day at her own studio. I think I have just assumed one keeps going until you die.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
We’ve all seen photos of elderly people when they were young people, and they are often unrecognizable as being the same person. I never thought it was possible for that to happen to me. It’s kind of like imagining infinity, can’t wrap the head around it. So when young people see pictures of me when I was young, and they go, “Wow, that was you?” It surprises me too, that yes, I now look like an elderly person. It happened.
I don’t believe I had expectations about being this age or even older. My parents were unusual. There was no retirement/old age mentality in their worldview. My dad was the oldest person in New York to earn a blackbelt in karate somewhere in his middle age. He was a retired dentist who worked as a lifeguard at his gym till he died at age 87. My mom is currently 87, lives independently, and teaches yoga every day at her own studio. I think I have just assumed one keeps going until you die.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Age has given me a broader perspective on a lot of things. You see enough situations play themselves out, and you develop knowledge that can only come from experience—it’s given me a longer view. I trust my gut more, there is less room for doubt about things I am clear on.
Age has beaten up my poor feet. Standing on them for years on end, ballroom dancing in ridiculous heels, has forced me to have to coddle them now. I have to be mindful about shoes and plan for long walks before they start talking to me in an angry voice. Bone spurs can speak! I always wanted to walk the Camino, that might be a no-go, but I understand you can do it by bike, or even e-bike, but I think I’m over the hostel experience.
Age has given me a broader perspective on a lot of things. You see enough situations play themselves out, and you develop knowledge that can only come from experience—it’s given me a longer view. I trust my gut more, there is less room for doubt about things I am clear on.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
At my ten-year high school reunion, I remember looking around and thinking, we are all still the same people, only more so, reduced to our essential essence, like bouillon cubes of our high school selves.
Being a makeup and hair person, I know that aging is hardest on the pretty ones. Appearance is a big piece of who a pretty woman is. When that fades, or changes to something less shiny and new, it’s hard. I was a pretty one. I didn’t necessarily know it, work it, or own it, but it still was how I showed up in the world. I was actually a Playboy bunny, and it was actually a great job if one had to waitress at that time. Beauty automatically comes with certain perks, as well as certain expectations, burdens, and liabilities. Now that I’m an oldster, it’s a relief in a way. Nobody’s looking, I can focus on other things.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I’m looking forward to becoming a grandmother God-willing. I’m still looking for certain markers of success in my career. I know that’s silly; maybe I need to get over it. Motherhood was a 25 year volunteer assignment that put my career aspirations on a back burner. I don’t regret the decision to be a stay-at -home mom, nine plates in the air, but the career was sidetracked to accommodate the mom gig. I still want to see what I can accomplish in my professional sphere.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
When I was little I asked my mother what the best age was. She said the age you’re at. I liked that answer and I’m sticking with it.
Being a makeup and hair person, I know that aging is hardest on the pretty ones. Appearance is a big piece of who a pretty woman is. When that fades, or changes to something less shiny and new, it’s hard. I was a pretty one. I didn’t necessarily know it, work it, or own it, but it still was how I showed up in the world. I was actually a Playboy bunny, and it was actually a great job if one had to waitress at that time.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
Dr. Susan Zolla-Pazner is my aging idol. Susie is a cousin by marriage, and a world renowned immunologist. She started piano lessons in middle age. She’s now 80 and after her husband died, went back to school for a year at Stanford in a program for successful alums developing their next chapters. She just finished a writing workshop. She is interested in everything, and everyone. I hope to emulate her curiosity, and her continued enthusiasm for life. She laughs out loud easily.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
Ugh, that’s not so much fun. I’m always hiding the belly and the butt. Maybe I’ll lose them at some point, or maybe I won’t. Some women are comfortable with bat wing arms exposed; I give them credit. Maybe because I’ve been a lifelong dancer, I had some assumptions about how I’d hold up, but genes are no joke. (Sorry, grandma.) So dressing up or down is certainly more challenging.
I’ve always strived to live a healthy lifestyle. I’d have an occasional glass of wine, but I haven’t been interested in it these days, so I’ve leaned away. I’m working with a homeopath for general wellness. I’m also wearing my hair short now after many years of having it long and wearing it up, but I needed a change. The shorter hair requires more trips to the hairdresser which I don’t love, but it also gives me a bit more style, which I felt was lacking. I’m making an effort.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
I’m not sure there are any.
I’m still looking for certain markers of success in my career. I know that’s silly; maybe I need to get over it. Motherhood was a 25 year volunteer assignment that put my career aspirations on a back burner. I don’t regret the decision to be a stay-at -home mom, nine plates in the air, but the career was sidetracked to accommodate the mom gig. I still want to see what I can accomplish in my professional sphere.
What turn of events had the biggest impact on your life? What took your life in a different direction, for better or worse?
At age 60, which had me thinking about aging and what that could/would mean, a trilogy of events knocked me sideways. Four days before the big 6-0, a long term steady freelance client of about ten years, my golden handcuffs, simply didn’t book me for the following week. I got the “news” from my assistant. I didn’t want that job to be my swan song, but the way they did it, four days before I turned 60 (not that they meant to) was a real blow. As a freelancer, getting “fired” wasn’t something that I had any experience with. And even in this case, I was ghosted more than fired, so there was no closure, no explanation, no warning. The timing was not good.
Ten days later, my dad had a massive stroke. He died about ten days after that, with me by his bedside, midwifing him right out of this life with the help of Mother Morphine. That confluence of events called to my attention with absolute clarity that a chapter had ended. The next path I took should be one that considered my independence and autonomy, although that is never a given. It was a call to stop the pity party and try to create the life I wanted to have.
What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you’d do differently?
I have a curiosity more than a regret. I wonder what if I had gone to college in a more formal way? What if I’d studied art, photography, architecture, or English? I went to the Fashion Institute of Technology for a two-year jewelry design program for no other reason than I wanted to get out of my parents’ house. I didn’t even graduate because I took a job that required me to leave school a few weeks early. My real education was figuring out stuff on the fly. I’m a self taught makeup/hair artist. The ride was great, it was interesting. I had the opportunity to work with important fashion photographers, I worked with a lot of famous people, and it took me to lots of cool places—but I was always winging it. I often wonder what life would have looked like had I taken a more traditional path.
What is high up on your “bucket list?” What do you hope to achieve, attain, or plain enjoy before you die?
There is no bucket list. I hope to stay curious and see what appears on the horizon that stimulates me. I hope my upcoming film, Your Roots Are Showing resonates with women who have let their gray hair show, or are thinking about it. I hope I’ve planted a small flag on the timeline of fashion and beauty history. I hope I can continue to clarify my soul’s purpose in this life and do my best to fulfill that. I want to always revisit the “Why am I here?” question.
Editor’s note: Ilise and I were put in touch (I can’t remember how exactly, or by whom!) after I published a Friday Open Thread in June called “How to Go Gray.” Here’s the trailer for her forthcoming documentary, Your Roots Are Showing:
Is there a piece of advice you were given, that you live by? If so, what was it, and who offered it to you?
From the spiritual corner, the great American psychic Edgar Cayce said, “Make your home a place angels would like to come visit.” I keep that in mind. Esther Hicks, who claims to channel a group of entities known as Abraham, extols this advice, “Find joy and stay there.” There’s a lot to that. It’s simple, complicated and profound.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I have always wrestled with my birthday. Not that I mind the numbers ticking by, but I feel anxious about making plans. It’s too loaded. I don’t like asking people to celebrate me, maybe feeling not worthy of being feted perhaps. I’m kind of shy actually. But I feel grateful for a new year, so I generally take the whole month! I treat myself extra nicely. Maybe I’ll get a facial, a new outfit, or buy tickets to something. I make a point of seeing special friends throughout my birthday month and I get a mammogram. March 13th is a notorious weather event day. It often brings blizzards, hailstorms, flooding, heavy winds, all in one day! In 2020 the world shut down for Covid. I keep my birthday plans loose.
This is so great. I can’t wait to see the film. I have a new hero! Next film — women with very short hair? I am 65 and my kids shave my head in the garage. (Laziness and diminishing vanity — win win!) I had to hide it from my 92 yr-old dad — “are you trying to look ugly?” My ma grimaces but is silent. These days I don’t think about it but man it was hard at first. My hair meant a lot to strangers. Preconceptions and assumptions galore. I think this may be changing tho!
These interviews really mean a lot. Thank you for doing this.