How to Go Gray
Or, how I did. PLUS, a brief interview with a silver-haired male friend. And an Oldster Magazine Friday Open Thread about your experiences with graying and hair color.
Readers,
Often, women who are considering going gray ask me about my experience with it. In some cases, they’re trying to decide whether to stop coloring their hair altogether. In more cases, though, they’re committed to making the change, but debating how.
Should they camouflage the silver in their hair as it grows out, by adding gray highlights to the portion that remains solidly colored? Should they endure months or a year of two-tone hair? Or should they take the radical approach I did: getting rid of all the remaining color at once with a buzz cut, which I then proceeded to awkwardly grow out over the next eighteen months?
Of course, going gray isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t like the look. Or they feel it clashes with their skin tone. Or they have negative associations with it, colored by ageism. Coloring your hair is just as valid an option and form of self-expression, and I see many women—and men—who look super chic that way.
I love Neko Case’s approach. As she wrote in her Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, “I dye half of my hair. I like the silver at the front, but I missed the red so I compromised.”
Since the topic has come up a lot in my world lately, and since it’s a topic many of us ruminate on as we get older (and grayer), I thought it would be good to throw out as a prompt for a Friday Open Thread. In the comments, please tell me:
How old are you? When did you start to go gray? Did you ever cover your gray with hair color? Did you stop at some point? Are you determined to continue to color your hair? Are you doing some cool other thing that that’s a mix of coloring/not coloring? Tell me anything you want to about your experience with gray hair.
*No judgements, though, please. No criticizing anyone for their preference. No insistence that one way is better or morally superior to another. Every preference is valid. Thank you!
I have an entire essay in my book recounting my gray ~journey~ but I’ll give you the Evelyn Wood version here: I always knew I wanted to go gray at a young-ish age, and seven years ago, when I was 51, felt like the right time.
For thirteen years, beginning when I was 38, I’d been getting my hair highlighted with wide blonde stripes. I wasn’t going for the kind of subtle highlights meant to suggest you’ve recently spent a lot of time in the sun. No, I was going for obvious artifice.
For a long time I loved it, and people told me they did, too, several asking for the name of my colorist. But then I got sick of what had become my signature look. I was tired of the upkeep, and the previously brunette parts were progressively turning salt-and-pepper. My whole getup wasn’t working anymore.
After a white-haired woman at a retreat center asked me out of the blue, “What are you going to do with your hair?” I high-tailed it to my hairdresser and asked, “Do you have enough time to buzz my head before I chicken out?”
She looked at her watch. “I have twenty minutes before my next appointment. Have a seat.”
I knew I’d start growing it out right after. I’m just not a short-hair person. The next 18 months felt interminable. There were a lot of barrettes involved.
I was so happy when it finally grew in, and I was able to cut bangs again.
I was pleased with my gray tone, and as it gets whiter, I like it even more. It’s hard for me to imagine ever going back to hair color. But who knows? Life is full of surprises. Never say never.
Okay, your turn: How old are you? When did you start to go gray? Did you ever cover your gray with hair color? Did you stop at some point? Are you determined to continue to color your hair? Are you doing some cool other thing that that’s a mix of coloring/not coloring? Tell me anything you want to about your experience with gray hair.
Please let me also point you to Joy Castro’s excellent Oldster essay, “Burning it Down,” from two summers ago in which she wrote about her choice to go “silver.” (Joy’s essay received notable mention in The Best American Essays 2023, edited by Vivian Gornick.)
I didn’t want to limit this to women’s experiences, so I turned to my friend, the musician and author Robert Burke Warren, who at 59 manages to seem pretty youthful while rocking a full head of gray hair. (Check out Robert’s newsletter, Robert Burke Warren, Showfolk.) (My husband Brian is 62, but has very little gray on his head, or I would have asked him. His beard is another story…)
I emailed Robert some questions, and sent back these responses:
At what age did you start going gray?
I started seeing gray at my temples in my late 20s. It’s really ramped up in the last five or so years.
How did you feel about your hair turning gray? Did you have associations with gray hair that came from your experience with older adults when you were younger?
It’s never bothered me much. Of all the badges you get for not dying young — and I’ve known and loved many who did — graying hair is the least objectionable, especially for a guy. I’ve learned not to complain about my gray in front of bald dudes, for instance. Instead I complain about, say, my teeth and my hip flexors and my inability to remember names.
My mom and one of my aunts let their hair go gray decades ago, and they look fabulous. I have a longstanding crush on Emmylou Harris, who started graying in her 20s. Her silver mane makes her look like a queen.
I grew up with a lack of male elders, so in some ways I am trying to lean into elder-hood, embrace what is happening to me, because I imagine that’s what I would have liked to have when I was young: an old dude who’d been through some shit, emerged stronger in some ways, and showed in appearance and action that age need not be as feared as our culture would have you believe.
Did it occur to you then to color it? Have you ever colored over your gray? Did you ever color it before you went gray, like a Manic Panic punk rock color?
I’ve never colored my gray. In moments of weakness and low self esteem I have been tempted. I’ve even bought the dye. (Arctic Fox Red.) But I always recall what my friend Pete said: “You know what an old guy who dyes his hair looks like? An old guy who dyes his hair.”
In my early 20s I went through a phase of coloring: bleach blonde, blue black, magenta, blonde streaks. I did it all in the sink and I’m lucky I didn’t make myself bald. I was amazed at how differently I was treated as a blonde.
You have a pretty cool haircut. Do you think that mitigates people's perception of you as older?
Thanks. I don’t think so. For what it’s worth, when I look in the mirror or see photos, I see quite vividly all the other telltale signs: my skin, my posture, my eyebrows, my vibe, etc. So of course I imagine that’s what everybody sees, when I sink to that no-win way of thinking. Which I do.
As a man, have you experienced age discrimination? If so, do you think having gray hair has been a factor?
Sometimes a few of my teenage guitar and bass students, bless their hearts, seem to think I’m pretty dumb, especially if I’m taking more than a couple seconds to find something to show them on my phone. I’m not sure if my gray amplifies that sentiment or not.
What's your least favorite thing about being visibly older? What's your favorite, if you have one?
Least favorite: seeing the old guy in the store window and realizing it’s my reflection.
Favorite: Being asked for counsel.
Now you: How old are you? When did you start to go gray? Did you ever cover your gray with hair color? Did you stop at some point? Are you determined to continue to color your hair? Are you doing some cool other thing that that’s a mix of coloring/not coloring? Tell me anything you want to about your experience with gray hair.
Thanks, as always, for reading, and for all your support. 🙏 Have a great weekend. - Sari
This is a timely post for me. I'm 62, and at first, liked the idea of going gray, which I started two years ago. I did so pretty easily because I was only using temporary color up to then. It was fun seeing silver hair, which was lighter than my brown wash-out color. But then I started seeing photos of myself and I didn't like how I looked at all. Let me just say that the ladies who look gorgeous with gray and silver hair, in my opinion, tend to be the ones with gorgeous hair of any color: thick and healthy. That's not me. So my gray was just one more thing that separated me from the woman I used to know, the woman I used to look like even before I ever used the wash-out stuff. I made an appointment and had an actual professional use permanent dye to do what they call gray blending. So now I have brown hair with a lot of gray highlights. And I'm sorry to say this but I prefer it on me.
I’m 58 and I’ve had silver strands in my hair since I was a teenager. Going gray early runs in my family. I cellophaned or dyed my hair all through my 20s and 30s (Red Wine-UB40 anyone?) and I decided to grow it out in my early 40s. I’d grown tired of the time spent at the salon trying to keep the increasingly silver roots from showing.
I cut my hair into a very layered long pixie/short bob and let it grow from there.
I’ve never received so many compliments on my hair before since letting my salt & pepper flag fly and cutting my hair shorter. I have always had a baby face and I think the contrast of the silver and the round face plus big eyes is a good one.
Once I was washing my hands in the restroom at a pub in Cleveland and a young woman in her early 20s asked me, “How did you dye your hair like that? It’s soooo pretty!” I replied, “It’s my own color-I’m 55.” She told me, “Really?!? I thought you were 30 years old and from New York City!”
I love that story because in my mind I AM 30 and from New York City!
My best advice for anyone who wants to go silver is to go for it and keep your hair styled in a way you like-it adds to the intentionality of your choice and lets everyone know you are proud of your silver foxiness!