This is 63: NextTribe's Jeannie Ralston Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I guess I always expected that I’d have to behave myself more at this age."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, NextTribe co-founder and CEO Jeannie Ralston responds. -Sari Botton
Jeannie Ralston is the co-founder and CEO of NextTribe, which provides community, travel and articles for women over 45. Before that she was a magazine writer, with her work appearing in a variety of publications including National Geographic, The New York Times, Life Magazine, Travel + Leisure, Conde Nast Traveler, Parenting and Allure. She is the author of The Unlikely Lavender Queen: A Memoir of Unexpected Blossoming and the e-book, The Mother of All Field Trips: Homeschooling Two Kids in 14 Countries.
After most of her adult life spent in New York City and Austin (with a stretch in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico), she has now settled in Asheville, NC, near her hometown in East Tennessee.
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How old are you?
63
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
42. My kids were young and I was just finding my footing as a mom. Plus, I was old enough to know some things and I was starting to feel more comfortable with who I was.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
Young for my age because I still want to do crazy things like jump off cliffs into bodies of water, and hike the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu for the third time.
I know we’re supposed to get wiser as we get older (and I think that’s true because of experience), but I also think we get wiser because we have access to a collective wisdom—meaning the whole, grand assortment of people who have been in our lives.
What do you like about being your age?
I like that I know a lot of people at this age. Even if I haven’t seen people in a while, I know that as long as I haven’t been an asshole to them, I can most likely call on them for advice, friendship, conversation. I know we’re supposed to get wiser as we get older (and I think that’s true because of experience), but I also think we get wiser because we have access to a collective wisdom—meaning the whole, grand assortment of people who have been in our lives.
What is difficult about being your age?
Remembering that how you feel on the inside doesn’t match how others see you from the outside. After my divorce (at age 60), I had to remind myself that the cute, young barista might not want me flirting with him. Since then, I've met a wonderful guy my own age.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
That I can still laugh and be silly and drink too much and enjoy sex and feel ecstatic. I guess I always expected that I’d have to behave myself more at this age.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Age has given me confidence and, I’m sure all respondents say a version of this, less concern for what other people think. Plus, I’ve been given benchmarks, meaning assurance in my own mind that I can get through X [whatever irritation or challenge is plaguing me at any given time] because I got through Y (and Z and A and B) in the past.
Age has taken away opportunities to nurture and at the same time a certain amount of stress. I LOVED being a mother to my two sons, who are now grown and launched. But truly, I experienced a baseline of stress every single day. Not the feed-them-breakfast-and-get-them-to-school stress. But a deep terror that something would happen to them and my life would basically be over. Of course, I still worry about them and their well-being today but they are competent men and I have faith in them and their decision making. So the terror is gone.
Age has taken away opportunities to nurture and at the same time a certain amount of stress. I LOVED being a mother to my two sons, who are now grown and launched. But truly, I experienced a baseline of stress every single day. Not the feed-them-breakfast-and-get-them-to-school stress. But a deep terror that something would happen to them and my life would basically be over.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
It’s strange to be a boss. It’s strange (and scary) enough being an entrepreneur—I launched NextTribe as a digital magazine in 2017 and am now pivoting it into a travel company. But now I actually have employees, and I’ve had to learn how to manage people and motivate them. Sometimes I have to make business decisions that are not comfortable, such as telling someone that her idea won’t fly. On the flip side, I have had to make sure I’m open enough to listen to the advice of others and tell myself that an idea of mine won’t fly.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
Creating my own financial security. Having been married for 29 years to a very successful person, I was always the “slacker” wage earner, in comparison. I didn’t make out well in the divorce (long story), but I’m determined to finally accumulate a nest egg of my very own now as an entrepreneur.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I have two periods of life that I absolutely loved and go back to often in my mind. When my children were in the 3 to 5 age range, and I was running a lavender field in rural Texas, living in an old stone barn that my then-husband and I had renovated.
Also, I’d go back to the boys’ middle school years. I know I might be the only person in the world who looks fondly on middle school. However, we homeschooled our boys during this period (because I’d heard from others that “nothing good happens in middle school”—see above about collective wisdom). We homeschooled specifically so that we could travel with them. We did huge trips through South America, Africa, Europe, China. It was one of the most precious times in my life—the bonding we did as a family, all experiencing new things and learning together.
Those three years of travel had an unexpected benefit besides filling me with rapturous memories. It’s where I learned how to plan unique travel experiences, to price out a trip, and to stick to the budget. I believe nothing we learn in life is wasted and that skill makes my work as the owner of a travel company and planner of trips for women possible.
It’s strange to be a boss. Sometimes I have to make business decisions that are not comfortable, such as telling someone that her idea won’t fly. On the flip side, I have had to make sure I’m open enough to listen to the advice of others and tell myself that an idea of mine won’t fly.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
My 95-year-old mother is my role model and idol. She is still as sharp and fun-loving as ever. She has always said, “If you get old without a sense of humor, there’s no hope for you.” I have used that to inform all that I’ve done at NextTribe—it’s the foundation of the articles we publish (I absolutely love irreverence) and the ethos of the trips we plan. Our trips can inspire awe and awakenings, new friendships, new ways to look at the world. But the bottom line is that I want them to be fun.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I’ve always been physically active. But in my late 40s, I switched from running regularly to swimming and cycling because of pain. I still work out like crazy in the pool and on the bike and maybe I’m a little slower, but that’s OK. What’s important to me is just being out there. I also gave up red meat about seven years ago because I don’t like how I feel when I eat it, and I’ve given up gluten just in the past few months to see if that will help the inflammation in my joints (so far so good). I drink alcohol a little less often because as much as I love my wine, I sleep better and feel better the next day without it.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
Even though I was a contributing editor at Allure magazine for eight years and know a lot about the advances in beauty science, I can’t imagine I’ll ever get cosmetic surgery or Botox. The main reason I’m against cosmetic surgery for myself is because I’m afraid I’ll die on the operating table and that would be so embarrassing for my sons to know their mother died due to vanity.
I won’t do Botox because I take such care about what I put in my body. I don’t want to inject a known toxin, especially not that close to my brain.
I don’t judge those who do have cosmetic surgery or use fillers and the like. It’s just not for me.
Oh, but I do get eyelash extensions because I like the way they look on me.
Of course I wanted to have a huge celebration when I reached 60, but that was in December 2020 and that was NOT happening. Instead I had a Zoom call with lots of friends and family. I thought I’d be down about hitting 60, but remarkably I was truly thrilled. I kept thinking to myself, “I made it to 60. I can’t believe I’ve lived this long. Hoooray!”
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I am the biggest birthday whore around. By that I mean, I love birthdays and want everyone to know it’s my birthday and make a big fuss over me. I can’t imagine that I will ever stop loving birthdays. Maybe because I grew up one of six children I think having a day where it’s all about ME is simply amazing and worth rejoicing over.
For my big birthdays—40 and 50—I had elaborate parties (I even wore a special jacket I save for really special occasions). Of course I wanted to have a huge celebration when I reached 60, but that was in December 2020 and that was NOT happening. Instead I had a Zoom call with lots of friends and family. I thought I’d be down about hitting 60, but remarkably I was truly thrilled. I kept thinking to myself, “I made it to 60. I can’t believe I’ve lived this long. Hoooray!”
So wonderful. I love the line "I guess I always expected that I’d have to behave myself more at this age." LOVE it.
signed, another misbehaver
I love how she shared her joy at being a mom - there's so much hammering the idea of how hard it is. Just a fun, upbeat read this morning!