This is 62: Trebor Healy Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

“'Build a soul' is my motto, and the more you do that, the less it’s about you and your milestones and the more it’s about the community around you or that you serve."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, author and UCLA creative writing professor Trebor Healey responds. -Sari Botton

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Trebor Healey last year, at 61.

Trebor Healey is an author and professor of creative writing at UCLA. He has published nine books and does fundraising around economic inequality and immigration, and also works with immigrants hoping to gain asylum in the US by teaching English and providing direct relief.

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How old are you?

62

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

27! I think that was the age where I felt I had total agency and the ability to do whatever I chose to do.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I feel young for my age, and very much in step with my peers as we begin to face aging. But I have days where I feel much older.

Trebor Healey when he was 35.

What do you like about being your age?

Wisdom I suppose, but my urge is to say: Nothing! I wanna be 27 again.

What is difficult about being your age?

The physical limitations and invisibility are hard. I love backpacking in the mountains more than anything and that is harder nowadays with some back issues. I’m also gay, which is very much a youth-oriented culture, which I got pretty attached to, so that’s an adjustment going from visible to invisible.

I chose a very independent path, so milestones like grandkids or money success were never what I was heading toward. I wanted to write books, have experiences and live abroad and learn another language, so I speak Spanish and have lived in Argentina and Chile and Mexico. Life is school to me, and so I’ve always strove to become a better person and try to graduate with honors.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

The understanding of humility and gratefulness, and the sense that I know less than I thought I knew previously. But I’m a better person than I thought I’d be, more generous, less about myself, more about community.

Check out Trebor Healey’s most recent book…

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Wisdom certainly and moral development, but physical limitations. It has taken away a lot of my vitality and ability to do whatever I wanted.

But I love young people and love teaching and sharing whatever I know with them and putting them front and center and supporting them.

I’ve had some odd experiences around the idea of past lives, so I think I may end up back for another round. I don’t know where we’re going, but I have some excitement about it. I think there’s more, or something unimaginable.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

It has made me a little sad — on my way out, vs. on my way up. But like I say, I’m a better person than I was before, and while I know less, I’m wiser, which is sort of the same thing. It’s about giving back at this age and so I judge myself differently around what I consider success.

Trebor Healey, right, at 48, when he was living in Argentina.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I chose a very independent path, so milestones like grandkids or money success were never what I was heading toward. I wanted to write books, have experiences and live abroad and learn another language, so I speak Spanish and have lived in Argentina and Chile and Mexico. Life is school to me, and so I’ve always strove to become a better person and try to graduate with honors. 😀 Accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish would be my milestones I suppose, and I’ve achieved a lot of those.

I studied English literature and economics as a student, and I’ve spent my life writing books and reading and working for economic justice and assisting those the economy tends to leave out or not support. “Build a soul” is my motto, and the more you do that, the less it’s about you and your milestones and the more it’s about the community around you or that you serve.

Death is of course what looms with aging, and that’s definitely a milestone. To be prepared for it, to contemplate it, to accept it, and make it a positive is important. To leave behind a positive legacy and some inspiration to those coming up behind.

I’ve never really made a home or had a long-term relationship, and both would be very interesting and beneficial to experience I’m thinking, nowadays. But I also cherish my independence.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

40 was good. All the physical prowess and much of the wisdom. No limits at that age and people love you at that age and you’re very visible. I thought I could do absolutely anything and I was bold about doing that.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Bruce Joel Rubin, 83, who is a Buddhist and a screenwriter, and sees aging as an interesting thing to contemplate and experience as you grow into your true and best self

Trebor Healey, center, at 53, with volunteers at a migrant shelter in Mexico City.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

None. I do the same things. Keep myself healthy by swimming. Eat right. Stay engaged with other people.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I would never dye my hair or have plastic surgery. I think that aging with dignity is important, and that’s about acceptance and embracing what is happening. I will never golf!

Living abroad and speaking another language has been huge and fruitful for me, and I didn’t get to that until I was 48, so I wish I had maybe moved faster toward my goals. But things happen in their good time, and if they do happen, why have regrets? Which doesn’t mean I’m going to pursue an MFA or a law degree at 62! So yeah, maybe I don’t regret anything.

What turn of events had the biggest impact on your life? What took your life in a different direction, for better or worse?

Coming out about being gay probably had the biggest impact in my young life, and it’s been for the better as it really liberated me from pretty much everything and every reason to hold back. It taught me important lessons — to be yourself, do your thing, be bold, be courageous and true, and don’t let anyone tell you who you are. Find out for yourself. Be awake, pay attention, fight for justice and kindness. Life is an adventure and a gift — not just to oneself but to others. I have pursued a life of art and service to others ever since.

What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you’d do differently?

I try not to think anything is regretful. Things just are, and some of it I might wish was different. But I’ve tried to live consciously, carefully and lovingly, and if I make mistakes, I practice forgiving myself. But I often wish I worked harder when I was young — as an artist, in being of service. I probably should have gotten an MFA and a law degree as both might have made my path easier and more effective as a writer and as a person interested in service to others. But again, hard to say.

Living abroad and speaking another language has been huge and fruitful for me, and I didn’t get to that until I was 48, so again, I wish I had maybe moved faster toward my goals. But things happen in their good time, and if they do happen, why have regrets? Which doesn’t mean I’m going to pursue an MFA or a law degree at 62! So yeah, maybe I don’t regret anything.

Trebor Healey when he was 50, while working on, “an economic justice campaign for hotel workers on Century Blvd. in LA, many of whom are immigrants and vastly underpaid and overworked.”

What is high up on your “bucket list?” What do you hope to achieve, attain, or plain enjoy before you die?

I’ve never really made a home or had a long-term relationship, and both would be very interesting and beneficial to experience I’m thinking, nowadays. But I also cherish my independence. On that note, as I get older and physically less agile, I want to hike and walk as much as possible, as those are my favorite things. To have discovered the High Sierra as a young man and to have had the greatest walks of my life there, I hope to continue to be able to do that, with a big pack on my back, so I can camp at a high altitude lake, my favorite place in the world. I worry that each trip is my last, but there are still some more, so you bet I will enjoy it in all its fullness and richness as long as I can. Maybe that is my home and longterm relationship.

Coming out about being gay probably had the biggest impact in my young life, and it’s been for the better as it really liberated me from pretty much everything and every reason to hold back. It taught me important lessons — to be yourself, do your thing, be bold, be courageous and true, and don’t let anyone tell you who you are. Find out for yourself. Be awake, pay attention, fight for justice and kindness.

Is there a piece of advice you were given, that you live by? If so, what was it, and who offered it to you?

Look around and see what isn’t being done and do it. I guess it comes from that St. Francis prayer which I learned as a boy, and which is essentially tikkun olam:

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive

What are your plans for your body when you’re done using it? Burial? Cremation? Body Farm? Other? And what do you expect to happen to your “soul” or “spirit” after you die?

I really like the idea of sky burial — that’s the Tibetan tradition of putting your body out in the mountains for the buzzards and animals to get sustenance from. To give back right down to the last atom would be an ideal final gesture and achievement. Donating my body to science could be similarly helpful, and I know there are some options now for burial in a shroud, which also allows the animals and plants to decompose your body and gain sustenance from it.

I’ve had some odd experiences around the idea of past lives, so I think I may end up back for another round. I don’t know where we’re going, but I have some excitement about it. I think there’s more, or something unimaginable. Life is school, and I always liked school and I think we keep learning and growing even after we move on. I like Walt Whitman’s line from Leaves of Grass: “And to die is different from what anyone supposed, and luckier.”

To have discovered the High Sierra as a young man and to have had the greatest walks of my life there, I hope to continue to be able to do that, with a big pack on my back, so I can camp at a high altitude lake, my favorite place in the world. I worry that each trip is my last, but there are still some more, so you bet I will enjoy it in all its fullness and richness as long as I can. Maybe that is my home and longterm relationship.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I’ve never cared about birthdays. I celebrate accomplishments. Publishing a book, raising money for a good cause, accomplishing something. A birthday is just a random day that doesn’t have that much to do with the person involved.