This is 52: Author and #1000wordsofsummer Leader Jami Attenberg Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
This is 52: Author and #1000wordsofsummer Leader Jami Attenberg Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I am sharper and more focused on my desires and ideas, but at the same time cannot tell you what I had for dinner last night."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, ten-time author and newsletter writer/#1000wordsofsummer writing accountability project leader responds. -Sari Botton
Jami Attenberg is the New York Times bestselling author of ten books, including The Middlesteins, All Grown Up and a memoir, I Came All This Way to Meet You: Writing Myself Home. Her most recent novel is A Reason to See You Again. She is also the creator of the annual online group writing accountability project #1000wordsofsummer, which inspired the USA Today bestseller 1000 Words:A Writer’s Guide to Staying Creative, Focused, and Productive All Year Round. Her work has been published in sixteen languages.
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How old are you?
52
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
I did not like my 20s particularly and was ready for them to be over the whole time. Like, I was very “maybe in my 30s I’ll figure my shit out!” So for a long time I thought of myself as being in my mid-30s, probably even before I got there. And then, once I hit my 40s, I was 42 forever. And now I’m 52, just 52, and sometimes I still feel 42, but also I would be fine with feeling 52 well into my 60s.
It’s interesting to think about why we can get stuck at certain ages. Sometimes it’s because there’s a certain trauma that happens, which might make that year or age feel like it’s playing on repeat. But I think also there can be moments in time when we were at our happiest or healthiest, and we just want to try and sustain that feeling for a little bit longer.
Still, I’d prefer to live in the present tense most of all.
It’s interesting to think about why we can get stuck at certain ages. Sometimes it’s because there’s a certain trauma that happens, which might make that year or age feel like it’s playing on repeat. But I think also there can be moments in time when we were at our happiest or healthiest, and we just want to try and sustain that feeling for a little bit longer.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I think when you choose a certain path of say, being single or not having children, or not having a conventional job (all of which would describe me and my life choices, and also describe plenty of other people), then you might end up feeling, at various times, younger, or not developing at the same rate, or a little out of step with people you know. So perhaps in my youth I had the sense that I was operating on a different plane. I was working with the information I had.
But milestones are an illusion. Someone invented them for us. And not everyone is going to find them appealing or accessible.
Eventually you find other people who are maybe not exactly like yourself but close enough, and you all coalesce in a certain way, and you think: I’m fine and actually, I’m right on time, and also I chose the path that was right for me and my pleasures and my priorities. But that’s just part of growing up and finding your way in the world.
Also when you choose a path it can certainly be altered. So it has been interesting to watch people who sort of “did everything right” (whatever that means) suddenly shift gears and have a life closer to those who didn’t, or did it their own way, anyway. And in the end we all physically age, and there’s no stopping that even if you’re like that weird Silicon Valley dude who injected himself with his son’s blood. Like no matter what, we all end up with bad backs. So we catch up to each other, one way or another.
What do you like about being your age?
I like knowing what I want and still being able to achieve it and (most of the time) being more efficient at it. I do more check-ins with myself now to make sure I’m headed in the right direction, which is not something I did in my youth. Back when I was in my 20s and 30s it was just go go go. Now I have more of a recognition of how valuable time is, and I make sure I honor that. Might as well just be honest with yourself.
I am better at creating systems and boundaries now. Figuring out how to use my time wisely. Asking myself questions. When do I need to focus on making my art versus acts of service versus being part of my community versus taking a freaking vacation because I’m exhausted. Figuring out ways to be of assistance but also protecting myself so I can operate at my best. Figuring out what I need to do to be happy so I can proceed. It’s all intertwined.
What is difficult about being your age?
The physical stuff creeps up on you quite shockingly. Now I cannot be lazy or take a week off from being connected to my body or I will pay for it. And while my first instinct with this question was to think of issues with pain, I also have a little vanity, too. I remember when I had an appearance or an event I wanted to look nice for, I could just like, not drink for a week or skip bread or whatever, and then I was a brand new bright-eyed, fresh-faced woman again. Then I needed a month of good behavior. Then it was two months. Now it is never. I will only be who I am now. So I better learn to like it.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
Menopause has been annoying, and it is something that was barely mentioned to me right up until it happened and then I started asking all the questions. So it was not a question of what I was told but rather not being told anything at all. Although the thing with menopause/perimenopause is that it stretches out for a long time until all of a sudden you realize a lot has changed at once. I do feel like younger women are having more conversations about it all which is heartening. I am always seeking less fear and more courage around the issues of the body.
Milestones are an illusion. Someone invented them for us. And not everyone is going to find them appealing or accessible. Eventually you find other people who are maybe not exactly like yourself but close enough, and you all coalesce in a certain way, and you think: I’m fine and actually, I’m right on time, and also I chose the path that was right for me and my pleasures and my priorities. But that’s just part of growing up and finding your way in the world.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
I am sharper and more focused on my desires and ideas, but at the same time cannot tell you what I had for dinner last night.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
I think it’s just about a period of adjustment, that’s all. For example, as an artist, they can refer to you as emerging or mid- or late-career, and one day I just had to understand that I am straddling that line between mid- and late- and there is definitely no going back to emerging. (Unless I took up another artistic practice entirely.) But I am always an artist, that is just who I am, whatever stage of the game I’m in.
Lately I’ve been thinking even more about what I would like to leave behind. I think about the people coming up behind me, and about what I know and how to best share that information. And I think about how to translate all that to acts of service.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I’ve never been a milestone girl. I’m a task girl and I’m a goal girl and those things I define for myself, but whatever the milestones are for the rest of the planet only apply to me if I allow them to do so. I live my life organized by where I am in the creative process for the most part. I will say having my tenth book come out feels like a milestone, but it was never one I particularly sought, though I am now trying to absorb it. (Then again, it’s just a number!)
I suppose buying my own home could be considered a milestone, but home ownership isn’t achievable for everyone. So I think it’s unfair to frame that as some kind of necessary milestone when it’s only accessible to a certain percentage of people in our (wicked) capitalist society.
I can’t think of any others I’m looking forward to or that I’ve missed. No regrets. Just head down and keep going till the end and try to enjoy myself along the way.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I liked early 40s a lot. I still had a lot of energy for all the traveling I was doing and I got to see so much of America and the world. But right now isn’t bad. Ten years before whatever age you are presently always feels like something to think about fondly. But I never think about going back in time, only forward.
I like knowing what I want and still being able to achieve it and (most of the time) being more efficient at it. I do more check-ins with myself now to make sure I’m headed in the right direction, which is not something I did in my youth. Back when I was in my 20s and 30s it was just go go go. Now I have more of a recognition of how valuable time is, and I make sure I honor that. Might as well just be honest with yourself.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you Who is your aging idol and why?
You know, I just got sent a galley of Edmund White’s memoir, The Loves of My Life, which covers sixty years of his sexual escapades. He’s 85 and still writing filthy stuff and doing it beautifully. I find that pretty inspiring.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I’m on hormones now and I’m spending a small fortune on my hair and I’m drinking less. But I’ve been making adjustments for a while now. I had a partial hysterectomy in my 40s and my whole relationship with my body changed then, and then when menopause showed up there was a shift involved, until I got my hormones under control.
I use more skincare products even though I know deep down drinking lots of water probably does the same amount of good. (Whatever, they smell nice!) But as someone who makes a part of her living giving talks and teaching workshops, I can’t help it—I do have a concern about my appearance. It’s important to feel comfortable and confident when I am standing in front of a room full of people and speaking.
Ultimately, though, my greatest concern is my brain. Give me all the superfoods and a good night’s sleep.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
Sometimes I hear women talking about what is and isn’t appropriate to wear and how much skin to show depending on your age. But I live in New Orleans, where it is hot six months a year, so I’ll show as much skin as I please. I am just trying to stay cool.
Lately I’ve been thinking even more about what I would like to leave behind. I think about the people coming up behind me, and about what I know and how to best share that information. And I think about how to translate all that to acts of service.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I think off and on I’ve had these moments where I have blown off my birthday as an adult and I have to tell you: I did not enjoy it. So I always try to get a little group together, maybe for dinner or for some drinks. And for my 50th birthday party I had a massive blowout and invited tons of people in from out of town and it was really special to me. All those people I love in one place. They were the real gift.
Ultimately I like to bring people together more than anything else, and birthdays are a good time for that. It’s nice to remember we’re not alone in the world.
Jami, your creative process and your love of getting people together, lead you to wherever you wish to go, and that, for me, is very exciting!
This coming month of March I’ll be in New Orleans for both Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s Day with my partner Phil. We would love to meet you sometime
during March. Would you like to meet us as well?
You and I are both participants in The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, mine printed on July 17, 2024. I so enjoyed reading your openness and honesty about yourself.
Bella Ruth Bader
Jami is so wonderful. I've been a supporter of her Substack since it began and I love #1000wordsofsummer and her book #1000words is brilliant. This reviewer loved A Reason to See You Again -- I got an ARC-- I'll review it soon but you can order it now.