This is 50: Anjali Enjeti Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I feel like I’m just now getting to know myself. It’s taken 50 years!"

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire™.”

Here, author, journalist, and former attorney Anjali Enjeti responds. -Sari Botton

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Anjali Enjeti recently at Frida Kahlo's house, Casa Azul, in Mexico City, where she celebrated her 50th birthday and her husband’s (they were born the same day).

Anjali Enjeti is a former attorney, author, journalist, MFA instructor, and organizer living outside of Atlanta.

How old are you?

A newly-minted 50! I turn 50 today.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

In my mind, I’m 24. I got married on my 24^th birthday, after a long distance engagement. I had just moved to a new city, Philadelphia. I was entering my third year of law school, and saw a full life with so many beautiful possibilities.

I suppose I’m a slower, slightly crankier version of my former self. Not necessarily in a bad way. I’m more accepting than ever of my limitations, and more vocal and less ashamed of them.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

For the longest time, I felt young for my age. But decades of chronic pain have taken their mental and physical toll. I feel old and encumbered. My body screams when I push it too hard. Some days my anxiety, which has skyrocketed lately, is suffocating.

I suppose I’m a slower, slightly crankier version of my former self. Not necessarily in a bad way. I’m more accepting than ever of my limitations, and more vocal and less ashamed of them.

Left: "My best friend from elementary school sent me this recently. Age 10, getting my Michael Jackson on." Right: "this is me at 6 visiting my grandparents in Hyderabad, India."

What do you like about being your age?

I love being able to see the forest for the trees and being able to smell bullshit from miles away!

What is difficult about being your age?

The increasing invisibility. I think many women and femmes experience this during mid-life. Once you hit your 40s or so, society ignores you. You are non-consideration, a non-factor. It’s suddenly much harder to make in-roads in one’s work or creative life, or shift gears to try something new.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

Order Anjali Enjeti’s novel.

I feel like I’m just now getting to know myself. It’s taken 50 years!

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging has shifted my perspective on goals.  

I used to have mental lists of all the things I wanted to accomplish by age 30, 40, 50, etc. I always looked toward the future, and measured my life in boxes I could check off.

Why did I do this? What good came of it?

At this age, I understand that “accomplishment” and “success” are overrated. I long for and focus on joy and contentment instead.

But goodness, I miss the energy I had in my youth, as well as my once sharp-as-nails memory!

I started law school at 22, got married on my 24^th birthday, gave birth to my first (of what would eventually be three) children at age 28. I did not spend my 20s out late at the club. I didn’t go away for girls’ weekends…I hope in my 50s, as my caregiving responsibilities lessen, I get a second chance at living out the foolery and indulgence I never quite experienced in my 20s.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I hear a lot of people say that when they get older, they get more confident and secure in their sense of self and their identities.

I can’t really say that’s been my experience. I feel as if I’m in a constant state of reinvention and recreation, of disintegration and reintegration, of calm and upheaval, of losing my footing and finding my way upright again.

The difference, I suppose, is that I’ve grown more comfortable with this state of flux and uncertainty. I’ve learned to welcome it, comfort it, and value it.

I wrote an entire collection of essays on identity, and yet, I’m still seeking it myself!

Left, on the Bosphorus in Istanbul, Turkey; Right, at the Teotihuacan Pyramids northeast of Mexico City.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I started law school at age 22, got married on my 24^th birthday, and gave birth to my first (of what would eventually be three) children at age 28. I did not spend my 20s out late at the club. I didn’t go away for girls’ weekends. I was studying for the bar exam and breastfeeding all night long. I could hardly stand on two feet, not because I was out all night dancing, but because my child was crying all night long from teething.

In three years, at age 53, my youngest child will be 18. My older two kids are already forging lives hundreds of miles from home.

I hope in my 50s, as my caregiving responsibilities lessen, I get a second chance at living out the foolery and indulgence I never quite experienced in my 20s.

I’m not aging gracefully. I’m just aging. And I’m not evolved enough as a human being to radically accept what aging has done to my body. But I absolutely feel lucky to have the chance to age, when dear friends of mine never got the chance.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

When I was 47ish, I published two books (three weeks apart) and started an electoral organization to get South Asian Democrats in Georgia to the polls. And though this all happened during an extremely stressful time for me—during the pandemic, but before the COVID vaccine was available to everyone—it was an age where I felt my most creative, energetic, and proud. I also developed deep friendships with people I’d never known before.

I wouldn’t want to go back to that age, though! As rich and soul-nourishing as these experiences were, I think I would have appreciated a less truncated time period! It was an extremely stressful and hectic time. It was also the sickest I’ve been in my life!

Should I be lucky enough to publish more books or start another organization in the future—I’d prefer to stretch out these events over more years!

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Currently, it’s Justine Bateman. She is an unapologetic and unaltered 57-year old in the public eye. No plastic surgery, no injections. I love how proud she is to age naturally, and how critical she is of the beauty industry.  

It’s hard to age in the era of the internet. Celebrities and influencers in their late 40s/early 50s look so much younger than I do—they look like they’re in their 30s. In the media, the aging process has almost completely been erased.

I’ve always felt confident in my appearance. But now, I feel lonely. Because whenever I stream a show or scroll through Instagram, I don’t seem many 50-year-olds who actually look 50, like I do.

Order Anjali Enjeti’s essay collection.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I had to completely give up gluten, and most dairy (I consume it, but only occasionally) due to autoimmune disease, and even though I initially mourned these sacrifices, a gluten-free, (mostly) dairy-free lifestyle has improved my health immensely. (I’ve also been a vegetarian since my mid-20s.)

I also gave up alcohol a few years ago. I rarely drank it to begin with, but it interfered too much with my sleep, and caused headaches. Since then, I’ve become an enthusiastic connoisseur of mocktails.

I’m also, hopefully, on the brink of starting HRT. Perimenopause wasn’t so bad for me for a while, then it accelerated earlier this year. I want off this rollercoaster, and have made the doctor’s appointment necessary to do so!

It’s hard to age in the era of the internet. Celebrities and influencers in their late 40s/early 50s look so much younger than I do—they look like they’re in their 30s. In the media, the aging process has almost completely been erased.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I’ve never dyed my hair despite going white very quickly in my mid-40s. I wear makeup a few times a year. And it’s not because I have unblemished, tight skin—my wrinkles, age spots and dark circles announce my arrival to any room long before my feet do.

I’m just too tired to embellish this half-century old body. Truthfully, I wouldn’t even know where to start. I’d rather spend that time picking out which sweatpants to wear.

Does this mean I don’t care that I’m aging? No, I care, very much. My double chin bothers me. The deep horizontal crevice across my forehead causes me to frown and then my giant laugh lines from the frown remind me not to do so.

I’m not aging gracefully. I’m just aging. And I’m not evolved enough as a human being to radically accept what aging has done to my body. But I absolutely feel lucky to have the chance to age, when dear friends of mine never got the chance.

Bonus: Check out the interview I did with Anjali Enjeti about her essay collection, South Bound, for LitHub in June 2021:

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I don’t think I’ve cared for birthday parties since I was 21. Generally, I like to celebrate in a quieter way involving a deep reflection about who I am as a human being, and how I can evolve to do better in this world.

But for my 50^th birthday, my husband (who has the same birthday I do) and I went to Mexico City for two days. It was heavenly. I’ve always wanted to visit Frida Kahlo’s house, Casa Azul, and it did not disappoint. I saw the bed she painted in, the gardens she nurtured, her paint supplies, and the indigenous sculptures she and Diego Rivera collected together.

It was surreal—knowing that I had already outlived her—she passed away at age 47. But what a full, beautiful, and influential life she led! I came away from her home feeling even more inspired by her.