This is 46: Two-Time Cancer Survivor Garrett Kamps Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"Between cancer and addiction I’ve had several opportunities to make a premature exit from this life. To look at my remaining days as anything other than a profound gift would be absurd."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, writer, editor, entrepreneur, and two-time cancer survivor responds. -Sari Botton
P.S. A reminder that in my book, everyone who is alive and aging is considered an Oldster, and that every contributor to this magazine is the oldest they have ever been, which is interesting new territory for them—and interesting to me, the 59-year-old who publishes this. Oldster is an ongoing study of the experience of aging at every phase of life.
When you see a piece featuring someone younger than you, try to remember when you were that age and how monumental it felt. Bring some curiosity to reading about how the person being featured is experiencing that age. Or, if you prefer, wait for the next piece featuring someone in your age group. Not every piece will speak to every reader. I’m doing my best to cover a lot of ground and to foster intergenerational conversation. Please work with me.
is a writer, editor, and entrepreneur. As a journalist, his work has appeared in places like Billboard, The Village Voice, and Deadspin. He is the cofounder of the agency Third Bridge Creative. Last year, he got cancer for the second time and started a newsletter called Healings to write about it. This year, he joined The Small Bow as its CEO. He lives in LA with his wife, daughter, and three dogs.
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How old are you?
46
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
There’s not one specific age, no. What this question reminds me of is something I think I first heard Jack Kornfield explain, which is how you look in the mirror throughout your life, and it’s always the same person looking back, even though that person’s body is constantly changing. So, I feel like I’m essentially the same person I was in my 20s, my 30s, or as a little kid, even as I recognize that the meat-suit that contains that person has changed dramatically. I do pine for the days when the meat-suit itself was more nimble, more resilient, but that’s a bit different than associating my “self” with those days. I will try not to be this hair-splitty for future answers.
Getting older has put me more in touch with the part of myself that hasn’t changed, this persistent self that looks back in the mirror when you’re 10, 25, or 85.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I have a 15-month-old daughter, and the sleep- and general energy-deprivation that goes along with that is enough to make anyone feel old, and it certainly has that effect on me. But I’m also a two-time cancer survivor, a type-1 diabetic, and a recovering alcoholic. Given everything my body’s been through, the fact that I can even type this is a small miracle, and I’m beyond grateful that I’m able to still do things like run several miles at a time and/or roll around on the floor with my kid. So in that sense I’d say I’m just right and then some. But sometimes (often) it’s hard to reconcile how I feel (which is old), with how I know I should feel (which is grateful).
What do you like about being your age?
The resilience of my mind. I’ve been through a sufficient number of good times and bad to have thoroughly internalized the phrase, “This too shall pass.” This has led to a greater amount of internal stability and resiliency. Life can still be hard, and I can still be very hard on myself, but overall I’m a lot more chill about it than I was in previous decades.
I have a 15-month-old daughter, and the sleep- and general energy-deprivation that goes along with that is enough to make anyone feel old, and it certainly has that effect on me. But I’m also a two-time cancer survivor, a type-1 diabetic, and a recovering alcoholic. Given everything my body’s been through, the fact that I can even type this is a small miracle, and I’m beyond grateful that I’m able to still do things like run several miles at a time and/or roll around on the floor with my kid.
What is difficult about being your age?
The fragility of my body. It’s been through a lot, and the wear-and-tear is starting to show—knee pain, back pain, small mystery pains I can’t even be bothered to try to understand, let alone do something about. But I’m hoping maybe my body is like the Millennium Falcon, that it can still complete the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs, or whatever the equivalent for me is. I’d like to think it’s another marathon, or at least half-marathon (I ran one last year, shortly before my cancer diagnosis, which means I ran a half-marathon with actual cancer in my abdomen, so that’s wild). But I’d happily settle for hikes with my daughter when she’s old enough for that sorta thing.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
A friend told me it gets harder to keep weight off as you age, and that has turned out to be true. If anyone told me anything else about being 46, I guess I ignored them. If I went back in time and explained what my life today is like to a 26 year-old version of myself, I think the thing they’d be most surprised about is how good we became at using spreadsheets.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me everything. It’s given me a chance to make sense of my life, and to make sense of life generally, or at least develop some acceptance for its mysteries. It’s given me a chance to forgive myself and forgive others. It’s allowed me to meet my daughter. Between cancer and addiction (not to mention almost being swallowed by a glacier), I’ve had several opportunities to make a premature exit from this life. To look at my remaining days as anything other than a profound gift would be absurd. But would it be nice if my knees didn’t hurt so much? Sure.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
I’ll go back to the Jack Kornfield thing: the body changes, and certain sorta cosmetic elements of my identity have changed. I used to be a big Oakland A’s fan, but the ownership messed up the team these last few years and I no longer get dressed up and go to games. For a long time, I wasn’t a dad. Now I am. But getting older has put me more in touch with the part of myself that hasn’t changed, this persistent self that looks back in the mirror when you’re 10, 25, or 85.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
Age-related milestones? Those would be getting my driver’s license and being old enough to buy alcohol. Whatever comes after that—prostate exams, colonoscopies—is stuff I’m not looking forward to.
I’ve been through a sufficient number of good times and bad to have thoroughly internalized the phrase, “This too shall pass.” This has led to a greater amount of internal stability and resiliency. Life can still be hard, and I can still be very hard on myself, but overall I’m a lot more chill about it than I was in previous decades.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I had a lot of “fun” in my 20s and early 30s, but that’s because I was drunk most of the time. I’m glad I got to do things like hang out backstage at music festivals and interview bands, but the hangovers were brutal and I was always having panic attacks, mostly brought on by alcohol withdrawal. It’s hard to disentangle the magic from the misery, but I have a vague recollection that there was more of the latter than the former, so no, I would not like to go back.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
I’m gonna go ahead and say my dad. He bounced around career-wise, but by the time he was in his 40s he’d had his own business he could manage from a home office, which gave him enough time to do long bike rides along the beach three to four times a week. He’s 76 now and retired, but he’s kept up with the bike rides. This is the way.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
Nothing comes to mind, but that might be because I’m someone who, because of my medical history, is always seeing doctors for various checkups and rebalancing of medications, and that’s been going on for twenty years. So there are probably lots of adjustments I’m making every few months that I just take for granted because I’ve been doing them for so long.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
It’s becoming clear to me I should find a different form of exercise than distance running. It’s very hard on my body and possibly doing more long-term harm than good. But I’ve been a runner since I was about 16, and I just love it. I can’t imagine not doing it.
Aging has given me everything. It’s given me a chance to make sense of my life, and to make sense of life generally, or at least develop some acceptance for its mysteries. It’s given me a chance to forgive myself and forgive others. It’s allowed me to meet my daughter.
What turn of events had the biggest impact on your life? What took your life in a different direction, for better or worse?
Hmm. Feels like I’ve already answered this indirectly: I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at 29, which is late (it’s colloquial name is “juvenile diabetes”). When that happened, I had to build a team of doctors and it was the first time I came face to face with mortality. Then a few years later I had testicular cancer. Then last year I had non-hodgkin's lymphoma. I got sober in 2017 after nearly killing myself drinking. All of these things took my life in a different direction, and yet see above re: the persistent self.
What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you’d do differently?
I got accepted to a very prestigious creative writing MFA program and didn’t go. The head of the program told me they got over 600 applications that year and chose 6 people, and one of them was me. It was a level of creative validation I had never felt before or since. But I screwed it up. I’d just gotten what felt like a big promotion at work, and was in a new relationship (with the woman I’d eventually marry), and I told myself there’d be other chances. There were, kinda, but nothing like this. My life turned out alright anyway, but if I could do it over again, yeah, I’d smack the version of myself who made the “practical” decision and tell them to take the goddamn fellowship instead.
What is high up on your “bucket list?” What do you hope to achieve, attain, or plain enjoy before you die?
I’d like to do at least one more very long bike ride. Before I got cancer I was planning to do a two-week trip through New Mexico—so something like that. Similarly, I’d like to hike through the Sierras with my daughter. My wife and I keep talking about moving somewhere we can have at least a dozen dogs.
After the whole MFA episode, I spent the next several years writing a novel (so the creative validation was good for something), and it was good enough to get me an agent and submit to all the big houses, but they all passed. So now I have this novel I consider the equivalent of an old Camaro that’s sitting under a tarp in my driveway, and I’d like to get that puppy running and take it for a spin someday, metaphorically speaking.
I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at 29, which is late (it’s colloquial name is “juvenile diabetes”). When that happened, I had to build a team of doctors and it was the first time I came face to face with mortality. Then a few years later I had testicular cancer. Then last year I had non-hodgkin's lymphoma. I got sober in 2017 after nearly killing myself drinking. All of these things took my life in a different direction, and yet see above re: the persistent self.
Is there a piece of advice you were given, that you live by? If so, what was it, and who offered it to you?
'“Keep passing the open windows.”
— John Irving, The Hotel New Hampshire
What are your plans for your body when you’re done using it? Burial? Cremation? Body Farm? Other?
I actually haven't decided on this, which is weird considering I had a pretty involved battle with cancer last year and even had to call 911 one night after complications from chemo nearly took me out. So like, whatever I write here would represent the first expression of my wishes in this regard, and that seems like a strange way for my wife to get these instructions. But what the hell: cremation. Also, it'd be great if they could use my body for science somehow. Or barring that, some kind of Weekend At Bernie's-style screwball comedy situation.
What do you expect to happen to your “soul” after you die?
I certainly don’t believe in heaven or in the existence of some kind of afterlife playground. As the scare-quotes in the question here indicate, I think the term “soul” is a rather flimsy concept for a state of affairs we’ll thankfully never wrap our heads around, no matter how good the AI models get.
I think that when we die it’s just lights out, period. Our bodies eventually decompose and (re)merge with the nothing and the everything we were before we arrived and started pondering all this stuff. I think merging with the infinite is a pretty good outcome, conceptually, and yet I can’t seem to shake my fear of dying, of losing my connection to the people I love. I’m working on that, the fear part.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
Everyday is your birthday, when you think about it. Every day you wake up is a miracle. That said, I never turn down an excuse to eat dessert.
"Everyday is your birthday" love it
So inspiring. I recently was diagnosed with my second round of breast cancer at 68--15 years since the first time. Your story hits all the marks of resilience head on for facing another go with Hurricane Cancer. There may be toppled trees in its path, but we can see the damage behind us in that mirror, while looking directly at ourselves as beings ready to move into new dreams. Thank you.