This is 44: Novelist Elisa Albert Responds To The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I frequently meditate on myself at 80, or as myself at 80, which is awesome (and aspirational), and the more I do it, the more I feel like she’s with me all the time, too."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, author Elisa Albert responds. - Sari Botton
How old are you?
44
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
I have a theory that we get slightly (or more than slightly) arrested at whatever age we experience trauma or some kind of impossible intractability. When someone in our immediate family dies or disappears, when we experience or witness violence, when we realize that adults we trust are lying to us. There’s a big spectrum of trauma, obviously, but in most of our lives there are those moments where your capital-S-Self sort of cleaves into before-and-after. So I’m kind of 7 years old and kind of 15 and kind of 19 and kind of 25 and kind of 30.
I also frequently meditate on myself at 80, or as myself at 80, which is awesome (and aspirational), and the more I do it, the more I feel like she’s with me all the time, too.
I have a theory that we get slightly (or more than slightly) arrested at whatever age we experience trauma or some kind of impossible intractability. When someone in our immediate family dies or disappears, when we experience or witness violence, when we realize that adults we trust are lying to us.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I always felt old because I had much older sibs, and I got into all their shit. Sneaking around with my brothers’ hardcore porno mags as like a third grader…it kinda changes your perspective. And I was always reading my mom’s books, too. Being into The Golden Notebook and Women Who Run With the Wolves and The Fountain of Age at 12 will kind of separate you from a lot of your classmates.
But the older I get the younger I feel in comparison to my peers. And the more I value childishness as a virtue. Wonder, curiosity, changeability. Play. Experiments. Bodily-function jokes. Quality time with animals. Talking to plants. That kind of thing.
What do you like about being your age?
I’m less interested in self-harm. I have so much more confidence when it comes to declining other peoples’ bad vibes. And I can really see/feel/appreciate the fruits of my labors thus far, both tangible and intangible. The long-game stuff. The slow-and-steady stuff. The daily work that adds up.
The older I get the younger I feel in comparison to my peers. And the more I value childishness as a virtue. Wonder, curiosity, changeability. Play. Experiments. Bodily-function jokes. Quality time with animals. Talking to plants. That kind of thing.
What is difficult about being your age?
I have a much more intimate relationship with ibuprofen than I ever imagined having, and I can’t just override exhaustion or hunger the way i used to. Protein bar in every pocket of every jacket/bag, or else.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
I wasn’t told so much as shown, and let’s just say I’m very pleasantly surprised I haven’t destroyed or abandoned my family. Pu pu pu.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Perspective! A melting face! Hormonal migraines! Not giving a fuck what other people see when they look at me! Unwillingness to fight the way I look or feel! Forgiveness!
Desire to wear a bias cut dress. Desire to wear tight pants. Intense curl of my hair. Willingness to fuck an interesting stranger. Total adoration of New York City. Belief in my ability to “save” or “fix” anyone.
My friend Clara, mother of 13 and grandmother of 40 (!), is a social worker who specializes in working with the aged—she’s had me in at a local assisted living facility to teach a few creative writing workshops recently, and just being with people whose lived experience spans so much time, who have had to confront and accept and carry on… it’s humbling and inspiring.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
Fuck if I know. I am increasingly at home in my… shall we say… faith. I feel more and more okay about my utter lack of control. I want less and less to control. I want more and more to observe and to be at peace. To not let things “get to me”. Every fucking thing got to me when I was younger. Every. Fucking. Thing. It was pretty exhausting.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I fantasize about going to rabbinical school someday.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
They’re all cool in their way! I wouldn’t want to go back, though. Yay, the present!
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
Hell yes. My friends Laurie and Carl, actors and artists whose delight and focus and presence are razor sharp. Friends Shalom and Orli, who don’t allow themselves to get locked into set ideas about who/what/where they are. My husband Ed, who is 13 years older than I am and has his physical and spiritual and creative shit SO together, bless him forever. My mom at almost 80 is the most voracious reader/learner I know, and she just never stops taking classes, studying, practicing her instrument, doing service work. She has an insane amount of energy. My stepfather is an urban farmer whose pace of life is so right on to me. My dad and stepmom take meticulous care of themselves so that they can continue doing the things they want to do in life—he still flies airplanes at 80, and she can do more pushups than the rest of us put together. My friend Clara, mother of 13 and grandmother of 40 (!), is a social worker who specializes in working with the aged—she’s had me in at a local assisted living facility to teach a few creative writing workshops recently, and just being with people whose lived experience spans so much time, who have had to confront and accept and carry on… it’s humbling and inspiring.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
No more uncomfortable shoes. No more fighting my hair. No more fighting my body shape. No more underwire bras. I can’t fuck around with drugs or alcohol pretty much ever, excepting a very occasional treat. Like, ritual-ceremonial-occasional.
I feel more and more okay about my utter lack of control. I want less and less to control. I want more and more to observe and to be at peace. To not let things “get to me”. Every fucking thing got to me when I was younger. Every. Fucking. Thing. It was pretty exhausting.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
Ummmmm I guess I still really love a bottom-of-the-barrel piece-of-total shit tabloid? That seems like an adolescent hold-over.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
Don’t have a philosophy. This year we hung out in the park with the dog, went for a sweet dinner at an Italian place nearby, then met up with friends for karaoke around the corner, which, with the proper set, setting, and dosage (to borrow from Michael Pollan’s theory of ideal psychedelic usage), is the fucking best. Birthdays are kind of like New Year’s, which is to say that I used to think it mattered that they unfold just-so, and now I don’t think it matters at all.
"I’m less interested in self-harm." My light bulb turned on when I read this sentence.
Great interview.
I adore Elisa's work and this was such a joy to read :)