This is 43: Catherine LaSota Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"In moments of self doubt, I admit, I tend to forget that I have been through so much and that I have a deep reservoir of experience..."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, writer and podcaster Catherine LaSota responds. (I was recently on Catherine’s podcast, Cabana Chats.) - Sari Botton

Catherine LaSota at 43.

How old are you? 

43

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?  

I feel pretty solidly 43 most of the time, in that I feel that the 40s are still young but with a body that can get tired more easily, that needs a little bit more conscious care—and this lines up pretty well with my assessment of myself most of the time. I think of previous ages and my memories from those times—12, 22, 30, etc.—and I think, wow, I have lived lifetimes. I was a different person during all of those ages, but they all are a part of me, I suppose, even if I’m not always accessing them (side note: writing, for me, is a way of accessing these different ages and periods in my life).

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I think the only way to answer this question is to compare myself with other people my age, and comparisons are so fraught for so many reasons, so I hesitate to do that. I do know that I’ve been told that I look younger than 43, whatever that means, and I also think I’ve earned all of the wisdom I’ve gained through 43 years of experience in this life on Earth. In moments of self doubt, I admit, I tend to forget that I have been through so much and that I have a deep reservoir of experience—when I remember that I’m not totally new to this rodeo, I am better able to offer confidence to myself and support to other people. I also believe that I have many, many years ahead, and I am old enough to know that I have a lot to learn.

I am glad I waited to have children until I was older (I had my first at age 38 and my second just a couple of weeks before I turned 41)…I am glad to have a better sense of myself as I bring new humans into the world; I’m a better model for them, and for myself.

What do you like about being your age?

I am glad I waited to have children until I was older (I had my first at age 38 and my second just a couple of weeks before I turned 41). I think I know myself much better now than I did in my 20s or my 30s, that I put up with less bullshit, and that I am not always simply trying to accommodate other people at the expense of myself (an ongoing battle, this). I am glad to have a better sense of myself as I bring new humans into the world; I’m a better model for them, and for myself.

I like that I was born when Jimmy Carter was president. I like that I lived through the 80s, the 90s, the 00s, the 10s, that I have lived enough to be able to compare certain mini eras, to see trends cycle through and realize that most things are just trends, so you might as well be true to yourself.

What is difficult about being your age?

I don’t like having to take medication for hypothyroidism every day—that started in my mid 30s—but it’s something that strikes most women in my maternal line, so I suppose it was only a matter of time. I don’t like being tied to a medication because what happens if the apocalypse comes? It’s also just another thing to have to remember every day. I got laser surgery on my eyes seven years ago in part to eliminate the need to worry about contacts or glasses twice a day, every day. Fun fact: I had been very nearsighted since I was very young, but I finally decided it was time for the surgery when my teeth got to a point of needing so much maintenance every morning and night. I just wanted to simplify my routine somehow, get rid of all of the eyeball supplies in my cabinet, etc.

Teeth, yeah, that’s another tricky thing about getting older.

But I also hesitate to complain about any of this—I am lucky that I am in relatively good health and hadn’t had to rely on regular medications for anything until my mid 30s (I mean outside of birth control, a whole other story).

You’re never too old to dress up for Halloween. Catherine LaSota on Halloween, 2021.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I feel like I’m living in the present moment so much these days, especially living through this pandemic, that it can be difficult for me to access my expectations from another time. Maybe that is a form of protecting myself from disappointment, I don’t know.

I do remember being in a basement level bookstore/cafe in Washington, DC with my mother, maybe when I was a teenager (we lived in a Maryland suburb of DC), and there were half windows at the sidewalk level, so that if you looked up, you could see the feet of people walking by. I remember looking at fast moving high heels and briefcases and thinking that would be me someday, somebody high powered and important in a city. But my 20s were filled with a lot more circuitousness and depression than importance, and anyway who knows how powerful those high heeled women in DC actually were?

I also have clear memories of my mother joking to us that she was 93 when she was 39. My own children will never remember me at age 39.

There are many times that I am the oldest person in a room, and I like it. Unless everyone is in their 20s or younger, and then I can get annoyed in that it feels harder to relate.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging has given me: travel, heartbreak, children, foot surgeries, a self-identification as a New Yorker after nearly 25 years in this city.

Aging has taken away from me: the possibility to think I could do absolutely anything (years passing = certain choices made), people dear to me with whom I wish I could have had more conversations, a lot of insecurities.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

There are many times that I am the oldest person in a room, and I like it. Unless everyone is in their 20s or younger, and then I can get annoyed in that it feels harder to relate.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations? 

I wanted to take a trip to Spain with my husband when I turned 40, because, though we have both traveled quite a bit, neither of us has been to Spain. However, we were struggling too much with money to make it happen. I’d like to prioritize an awesome trip for 45 or 50, maybe.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

Honestly, the 40s have been the best so far for me. I’ve aged past a point where I’m worried about doing anything that relies on the attraction of youth, but I can still dress a certain way and perform a certain version of myself and slip into those spaces for some fun, without it needing to define me.

I’ll make whatever adjustments I need to live a happy and fulfilled life. I won’t consider myself banned from certain conversations because of my age.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

I just think all women get better as they age. I love it when societal expectations fall away, and our bodies are no longer seen as receptacles for society’s needs and desires, and we can stop giving a fuck and just be ourselves.

My maternal grandmother, born in 1910, lived to the age of 101 ½. Before she died, I said, “Grandma, you’ve lived a long time. What’s the best piece of advice you can give me?” And she said, “To thine own self be true.”

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I’ve had short, cropped hair for over a decade, shaved in parts, kinda punk maybe. But over the time of the pandemic, I decided just to let it grow, to save money and time on haircuts, yes, but also to more fully embody the witch I am dedicated to becoming as I age.

Now that I think of it: I was raised in a household that had a bizarre, and I’m going to say dysfunctional, relationship to bodies and health. I didn’t control a lot as a kid, but shaving my hair was a way that I could exert control, at least over my father, who was an advocate of more traditional western femininity. As I’ve gotten older, I find that I am able to grow my hair out for myself instead of for him.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I’ll make whatever adjustments I need to live a happy and fulfilled life. I won’t consider myself banned from certain conversations because of my age.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I believe in birthday celebrations—and rituals of any kind—very much and am always touched when someone does something special for mine. I am a big advocate of fire being a part of everyone’s birthday celebration.

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Catherine LaSota is the founder of the Resort writing community and the LIC Reading Series. Among many other projects, she is the host of the Cabana Chats podcast about writing and community, and you can find her own writing in Catapult, Electric Literature, Vice, Literary Hub, and elsewhere. Her past and current lives in this lifetime include tending bar, working in higher education, making sculptures, performing as a singer, and training as a certified advanced SCUBA diver. Catherine lives with her husband and two young children in Queens, NYC.