A first-timer's guide, in collaboration with Claire Zulkey's "Evil Witches" newsletter. Plus an open thread about your experiences as a first-time parent and/or grandparent, and your tips for others.
When I had my babies, I never once got any help or offer of support from my own parents or my in-laws. When my sons became fathers, I wanted them and their wives to have a better experience than I had, so I jumped into grandparenting with my whole heart and soul. I stayed in their home through those challenging first weeks of parenthood, cooking, cleaning, holding crying babies while they got much needed sleep, and constantly reassuring the new parents that they were doing great things. It deepened our relationships in ways I had never imagined possible. One of my daughters-in-law even labored here, soaked in my tub, and I massaged her lower back through the night until it was time to go to the hospital. I loved every minute of it, and it made me sad to realize all that I had missed out on as a young new parent myself. I will never understand why my mom or mother-in-law didn’t support me and my husband like that. I adore my four grandchildren, and I pray for more! They are such a gift and pure joy.
My paternal grandparents were the light in my and my brother's lives. Our mother died when we were 7 and 4, and we acquired our first (Cinderella) stepmother two years later. Thank God our gps lived next door. They played huge roles in our lives for the next five decades, until our gm died at 100. Always there for us, took us on amazing trips, sent us a cascade of letters and cards when we were apart. My own closest relationship into young adulthood was with my gm.
Years later, as Covid was beginning, our son brought his 10-month-old daughter to live with us while her mother overseas was ill. No daycare or babysitters during the beginning of the pandemic, so we, her grandparents, were her primary caregivers for 1.5 years and her primary backup for 1.5 years once she could go to daycare, until the family was reunited. They live several blocks away and she is now the light of our lives. Most of our plans for retirement have been dashed, but it is a tremendous privilege and joy to be part of her growing up. We help with paying for extras and with driving, we have her over to play and for overnights, we take her on field trips, we try to help with medical situations, and we try hard to respect the privacy of their household. I am far from perfect, and it can be difficult for our lives to be so intertwined. I often have to zip
my lips; I'm sure they would say not often enough. But she always has a house to go to where she is surrounded by live and joy in her presence.
I am not a parent but one thing I always tried to do for my friends with infants is just ask if I can come over and help clean! I am happy to do any task big or small to their standards. I am also a good baby watcher while mom gets a nap, shower, haircut, errands, etc. It does take a village and this article has such great advice for us fellow "village" members! Now that I am in the (early!) grandmother age range I will take these to heart!
My folks vacillated between being downright toxic and hugely helpful. What determined which one it would be was very much my ability to hold to firm boundaries and communicate clearly what would and would not be happening. The toxicity arose because my older brother (who was also my abuser) got out of prison for the last time and moved back in with our folks a month after my first child was born. My parents were trying to manufacture a prodigal son moment and leaned on me very hard to come visit their house with my family and forgive him, totally ignoring that I was struggling daily with serious post-partum depression and HE WAS MY ABUSER. It was a total shitshow there for a while. Very, very traumatic.
Eventually their desire to see my son and me forced them to give in to my assertion that they would only see us if they came to our house and played by my rules. Then they started driving my dad's RV up every few months, parking it in my driveway, and hanging out at our farm. Both my kids have incredibly tender memories of padding out in their jammies to "Babu's Little House". They would hang out out there all day, playing games, building with blocks, reading books, and watching PBS kids. And I could breathe. I didn't have to have them constantly underfoot. I didn't have to figure out how to cram two more adults needing sleeping space into our house. My dad could rule over his petty fiefdom and eat what he wanted. It was, honestly, fantastic. But it wouldn't have ever happened if I hadn't put my foot down.
First time grandparent. 2 1/2 year old. She is a sweetheart with a loving heart. But she also has that toughness streak i see in my son. (That's a good thing. She also has his hair. Wild, wavy.) Be there to support, but try to lay off the comments about...well, nearly anything related to home, house, etc. It's just not worth it. They oarents are adults... most of the time. (haha) But their parents were semi-adults too in those years. Remember what you did, how you felt, how you reacted to grandparent involvement. Timely article. I don't always get it right. But no one does. It's all about trying and love.
My younger son has ADHD; my parents were raised in a much different era and I am really grateful to them for never having a word to say about how we manage treatment etc. And to him they are just a source of unconditional love, which he needs. So props to grandparents who know when to lay off :)
This is wonderful! When my daughter was born in May 2020, my mom moved across the country to be closer to us. I was nervous (I like my mom but we are very different), but it was a godsend. She is our part-time nanny, and it's been so special to see my daughter be so close with her.
This is going to maybe make me sound like a jerk, but my mom is SO deferential to us and to not wanting to upset me that it's almost more work sometimes. For a long time she needed my input constantly on what to feed my daughter for every meal and snack, and was so reticent to give me advice that sometimes in a hard moment I would be crying and ask for help, and she would just shrug. I would say "Please give me advice!" And she wouldn't. Definitely a lot of toxic positivity, too, when I was deep in postpartum depression. She was right, of course, that things would get better and I would figure it out, but it felt deeply dismissive of my feelings at the time. I love the suggestions here that simply acknowledging the difficulty goes a long way.
We finally came up with a solution where I would write some food options on a whiteboard and she felt comfortable choosing from them. Having her nearby is a dream: I get a decent amount of alone time, we are able to go out for date nights, etc. In general, my life is better because she loves my daughter so deeply.
Perfect timing. Our five-year-old grandson and his parents arrive this evening for a four-day visit. I never had children of my own, so I am very happy to learn how to be helpful and not weirdly passive aggressive! 😄
It’s not always easy, but when things get loud and chaotic with mini-meltdowns from too much sugar, I keep my mouth shut about dietary suggestions, and try to remind myself that if this were an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond,” it would be funny. Then I take a deep breath and/or go the bathroom for a little while.
It works well enough. I’m happy to say I have a loving, genuine bond with that little guy, and with his parents, too. I consider that a not-so-small miracle considering the kind of home life I had as a kid.
But I did have great role-models in my gay grandmothers. They were the only sane ones, and showed me what it was like to notice beauty in nature and how to make life an adventure where one could be whatever her true self wanted to be! I hope to be that kind of grandparent.
My mom is not just a good mom, but specifically a good mom OF A MOM. When I first brought my daughter home, she of course offered anything I needed in terms of the baby, but the biggest thing was just having someone recognize that me - as a brand new mom - needed to be cared for to. And that is what she did. Emotional support, validation in all different forms, and just being my biggest cheerleader (ie. Constantly telling me what a good mom I was), while still acknowledging that the hard stuff was REAL and HARD 💜.
My Grand-kids (two boys) are older than I when I became parent to their mom. They are bright and accomplished. I soon will be watching them marry their beloveds. Should I live, and I am hoping so, I will be a great grandparent.. Advice to new grandparents; accept the love they have for you, and give them more of it.
When our daughter had babies, we were thrilled. I saw my job in those newborn days as quiet background support - to give the parents the time and space necessary to figure out how they were going to work as a new little family. So, I stocked the fridge with their preferred foods, cleaned the kitchen, ran errands. I cuddled the babies only when asked to take over. Our daughter has often said how thankful she was.
With now toddler grandchildren, the endless chatter among our grandparent friends (and between my husband and I) is CAN WE SURVIVE this new era of ‘gentle parenting?’ OMG. These endlessly patient young parents talk, cajole, bargain and attempt to reason with howling toddlers. I recently heard my son-in-law soothingly say, on his knees beside my screaming grandson, “Buddy, I’m trying to work with you here!”
As we all know, our generation dealt with these shenanigans differently. I’m not proud, though, of how we handled it.
I have tried hard to respect this new parenting style, swallowing my words as the toddlers howl and the parents placate. But I’m coming around! I understand that these parents do not want their children to experience punishment - it’s humiliating and intimidating. And I’ve actually seen it work, with the parent talking, and toddler nodding, drying his tears, feeling heard and understood.
Haha this made me laugh, as a sort-of (always trying) “gentle” parent of a 4yr old now living with my 64yr old mum, she actually is happier when I lose my cool… I think she thinks it’s healthier 🤣 I’ll admit it feels that way sometimes…
I’ll never be a grandmother because of the vengeful violence I was raised with. I broke that chain because it was so reflexively ingrained in me. It is still hard to accept that what I got began generations before. Who raises blisters on a 5 year old?
The upside to that is that I recognize little people as full individuals worthy of respect now and they like it!
Thank you so deeply. I really do try my best, to ‘make the best of the rest of’… 😪
Violence got hardwired. I know: about six years ago a way-too-high-coworker’s kid deliberately hit me hard in the face! It was all I could do to not explode that belligerent brat* across the room, and this is 6 decades later! ‘Unresolved’ attacks like that live in the body for months. Why? Powerlessness.
That “courageous “ decision has sure cost me too. Continually.
When I had major restorative surgery after a drunk driver caused an accident, I really needed some post op assistance at home. The state sent Catholic Community Services (a provider) out to interview me. The c**t started actually yelling at me “where are your children? Why aren’t they doing this?”
This is why I keep my own company. It’s not just males who demand we breed.
*that fatherless kid is so messed up already, he’s facing an incarcerated future. At what point does intervention become appropriate? I walked away before getting enmeshed in a nest of junkie vipers.
Grandparents: remember that your child still matters. One thing I feel tender about is that now that my kids are born, it's almost as if I am the mother of her grandchildren, and not my mother's daughter. She is so invested in their lives (which we are so grateful for), but I feel like I kind of lost my relationship with my mom. So I would say... keep/start asking your adult kid about how they're doing, what is going on in their lives, separate from the grandkids.
Each of my 2 grandchildren come to play with me once a week while the other goes to daycare. It’s wonderful to go at the pace they wish, do activities they enjoy and not have my attention divided or consumed by chores as it was when I was raising my children. I frequently help with sick kid/doctor visits, date nights for my daughter and son-in-law and they know they can ask because I told them from the very beginning that I would only say “yes” if it was whole hearted. I never want to feel like being with my babies is a chore.
Such a timely article. My husband and I are first time grandparents. Our grandson is one month old this week. Luckily, as I read along, I have been doing a few things right, but appreciate maybe some of the things I could do better with - like those unwashed dishes. We are about an hour plus ride from our son and his family. We are very respectful of their time together as a new family. We never show up empty-handed, or (god forbid) unannounced. I praise them both for being such good parents. Everything is so different than when I had my sons. I am learning along with them. Thanks for your newsletter today. I always enjoy it but today’s really hit home.
My parents and my kids' other grandparents were a solid, positive presence in their lives. Now, as a grandmother myself, I want to follow the lead of my daughters and their partners as far as their parenting styles go, while (fortuitously) realizing that my role is to nurture and support, not to supplant them as in-the-trenches parental units. Thank the goddesses for that! 🤣
Grandpa of three, and my wife and I provide a lot of childcare so our daughters and their husbands can work. My mother-in-law was a great example for us - she was always there when we needed her and knew when to butt out.
When I had my babies, I never once got any help or offer of support from my own parents or my in-laws. When my sons became fathers, I wanted them and their wives to have a better experience than I had, so I jumped into grandparenting with my whole heart and soul. I stayed in their home through those challenging first weeks of parenthood, cooking, cleaning, holding crying babies while they got much needed sleep, and constantly reassuring the new parents that they were doing great things. It deepened our relationships in ways I had never imagined possible. One of my daughters-in-law even labored here, soaked in my tub, and I massaged her lower back through the night until it was time to go to the hospital. I loved every minute of it, and it made me sad to realize all that I had missed out on as a young new parent myself. I will never understand why my mom or mother-in-law didn’t support me and my husband like that. I adore my four grandchildren, and I pray for more! They are such a gift and pure joy.
How great that you learned from what you'd missed out on, and went the other way. Lucky them, lucky you. <3
I’m sorry you didn’t get the support. But you also didn’t get whatever negative energy was possibly behind it.
My paternal grandparents were the light in my and my brother's lives. Our mother died when we were 7 and 4, and we acquired our first (Cinderella) stepmother two years later. Thank God our gps lived next door. They played huge roles in our lives for the next five decades, until our gm died at 100. Always there for us, took us on amazing trips, sent us a cascade of letters and cards when we were apart. My own closest relationship into young adulthood was with my gm.
Years later, as Covid was beginning, our son brought his 10-month-old daughter to live with us while her mother overseas was ill. No daycare or babysitters during the beginning of the pandemic, so we, her grandparents, were her primary caregivers for 1.5 years and her primary backup for 1.5 years once she could go to daycare, until the family was reunited. They live several blocks away and she is now the light of our lives. Most of our plans for retirement have been dashed, but it is a tremendous privilege and joy to be part of her growing up. We help with paying for extras and with driving, we have her over to play and for overnights, we take her on field trips, we try to help with medical situations, and we try hard to respect the privacy of their household. I am far from perfect, and it can be difficult for our lives to be so intertwined. I often have to zip
my lips; I'm sure they would say not often enough. But she always has a house to go to where she is surrounded by live and joy in her presence.
I am not a parent but one thing I always tried to do for my friends with infants is just ask if I can come over and help clean! I am happy to do any task big or small to their standards. I am also a good baby watcher while mom gets a nap, shower, haircut, errands, etc. It does take a village and this article has such great advice for us fellow "village" members! Now that I am in the (early!) grandmother age range I will take these to heart!
You are an angel!!
Awww thanks!! Babies are so sweet and moms are sooooo tired!!
The world needs more compassionate community-grandmas like you <3
My folks vacillated between being downright toxic and hugely helpful. What determined which one it would be was very much my ability to hold to firm boundaries and communicate clearly what would and would not be happening. The toxicity arose because my older brother (who was also my abuser) got out of prison for the last time and moved back in with our folks a month after my first child was born. My parents were trying to manufacture a prodigal son moment and leaned on me very hard to come visit their house with my family and forgive him, totally ignoring that I was struggling daily with serious post-partum depression and HE WAS MY ABUSER. It was a total shitshow there for a while. Very, very traumatic.
Eventually their desire to see my son and me forced them to give in to my assertion that they would only see us if they came to our house and played by my rules. Then they started driving my dad's RV up every few months, parking it in my driveway, and hanging out at our farm. Both my kids have incredibly tender memories of padding out in their jammies to "Babu's Little House". They would hang out out there all day, playing games, building with blocks, reading books, and watching PBS kids. And I could breathe. I didn't have to have them constantly underfoot. I didn't have to figure out how to cram two more adults needing sleeping space into our house. My dad could rule over his petty fiefdom and eat what he wanted. It was, honestly, fantastic. But it wouldn't have ever happened if I hadn't put my foot down.
Sorry you had to deal with that, Asha. What a great solution the RV was.
It really was. We were not "RV people" when I was growing up, so I was skeptical when my dad bought it. But it was a godsend.
You were incredibly smart and strong!
First time grandparent. 2 1/2 year old. She is a sweetheart with a loving heart. But she also has that toughness streak i see in my son. (That's a good thing. She also has his hair. Wild, wavy.) Be there to support, but try to lay off the comments about...well, nearly anything related to home, house, etc. It's just not worth it. They oarents are adults... most of the time. (haha) But their parents were semi-adults too in those years. Remember what you did, how you felt, how you reacted to grandparent involvement. Timely article. I don't always get it right. But no one does. It's all about trying and love.
My younger son has ADHD; my parents were raised in a much different era and I am really grateful to them for never having a word to say about how we manage treatment etc. And to him they are just a source of unconditional love, which he needs. So props to grandparents who know when to lay off :)
I love that.
<3
This is wonderful! When my daughter was born in May 2020, my mom moved across the country to be closer to us. I was nervous (I like my mom but we are very different), but it was a godsend. She is our part-time nanny, and it's been so special to see my daughter be so close with her.
This is going to maybe make me sound like a jerk, but my mom is SO deferential to us and to not wanting to upset me that it's almost more work sometimes. For a long time she needed my input constantly on what to feed my daughter for every meal and snack, and was so reticent to give me advice that sometimes in a hard moment I would be crying and ask for help, and she would just shrug. I would say "Please give me advice!" And she wouldn't. Definitely a lot of toxic positivity, too, when I was deep in postpartum depression. She was right, of course, that things would get better and I would figure it out, but it felt deeply dismissive of my feelings at the time. I love the suggestions here that simply acknowledging the difficulty goes a long way.
We finally came up with a solution where I would write some food options on a whiteboard and she felt comfortable choosing from them. Having her nearby is a dream: I get a decent amount of alone time, we are able to go out for date nights, etc. In general, my life is better because she loves my daughter so deeply.
Sounds like a great solution.
Perfect timing. Our five-year-old grandson and his parents arrive this evening for a four-day visit. I never had children of my own, so I am very happy to learn how to be helpful and not weirdly passive aggressive! 😄
It’s not always easy, but when things get loud and chaotic with mini-meltdowns from too much sugar, I keep my mouth shut about dietary suggestions, and try to remind myself that if this were an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond,” it would be funny. Then I take a deep breath and/or go the bathroom for a little while.
It works well enough. I’m happy to say I have a loving, genuine bond with that little guy, and with his parents, too. I consider that a not-so-small miracle considering the kind of home life I had as a kid.
But I did have great role-models in my gay grandmothers. They were the only sane ones, and showed me what it was like to notice beauty in nature and how to make life an adventure where one could be whatever her true self wanted to be! I hope to be that kind of grandparent.
Love wins!
Go, gay grannies!
I seriously don't know how my heart would have survived without them!
My mom is not just a good mom, but specifically a good mom OF A MOM. When I first brought my daughter home, she of course offered anything I needed in terms of the baby, but the biggest thing was just having someone recognize that me - as a brand new mom - needed to be cared for to. And that is what she did. Emotional support, validation in all different forms, and just being my biggest cheerleader (ie. Constantly telling me what a good mom I was), while still acknowledging that the hard stuff was REAL and HARD 💜.
💗
My Grand-kids (two boys) are older than I when I became parent to their mom. They are bright and accomplished. I soon will be watching them marry their beloveds. Should I live, and I am hoping so, I will be a great grandparent.. Advice to new grandparents; accept the love they have for you, and give them more of it.
Lovely.
When our daughter had babies, we were thrilled. I saw my job in those newborn days as quiet background support - to give the parents the time and space necessary to figure out how they were going to work as a new little family. So, I stocked the fridge with their preferred foods, cleaned the kitchen, ran errands. I cuddled the babies only when asked to take over. Our daughter has often said how thankful she was.
With now toddler grandchildren, the endless chatter among our grandparent friends (and between my husband and I) is CAN WE SURVIVE this new era of ‘gentle parenting?’ OMG. These endlessly patient young parents talk, cajole, bargain and attempt to reason with howling toddlers. I recently heard my son-in-law soothingly say, on his knees beside my screaming grandson, “Buddy, I’m trying to work with you here!”
As we all know, our generation dealt with these shenanigans differently. I’m not proud, though, of how we handled it.
I have tried hard to respect this new parenting style, swallowing my words as the toddlers howl and the parents placate. But I’m coming around! I understand that these parents do not want their children to experience punishment - it’s humiliating and intimidating. And I’ve actually seen it work, with the parent talking, and toddler nodding, drying his tears, feeling heard and understood.
Haha this made me laugh, as a sort-of (always trying) “gentle” parent of a 4yr old now living with my 64yr old mum, she actually is happier when I lose my cool… I think she thinks it’s healthier 🤣 I’ll admit it feels that way sometimes…
<3
I’ll never be a grandmother because of the vengeful violence I was raised with. I broke that chain because it was so reflexively ingrained in me. It is still hard to accept that what I got began generations before. Who raises blisters on a 5 year old?
The upside to that is that I recognize little people as full individuals worthy of respect now and they like it!
That's incredibly self-aware of you. And courageous to make that decision based on self-awareness.
Thank you so deeply. I really do try my best, to ‘make the best of the rest of’… 😪
Violence got hardwired. I know: about six years ago a way-too-high-coworker’s kid deliberately hit me hard in the face! It was all I could do to not explode that belligerent brat* across the room, and this is 6 decades later! ‘Unresolved’ attacks like that live in the body for months. Why? Powerlessness.
That “courageous “ decision has sure cost me too. Continually.
When I had major restorative surgery after a drunk driver caused an accident, I really needed some post op assistance at home. The state sent Catholic Community Services (a provider) out to interview me. The c**t started actually yelling at me “where are your children? Why aren’t they doing this?”
This is why I keep my own company. It’s not just males who demand we breed.
*that fatherless kid is so messed up already, he’s facing an incarcerated future. At what point does intervention become appropriate? I walked away before getting enmeshed in a nest of junkie vipers.
Grandparents: remember that your child still matters. One thing I feel tender about is that now that my kids are born, it's almost as if I am the mother of her grandchildren, and not my mother's daughter. She is so invested in their lives (which we are so grateful for), but I feel like I kind of lost my relationship with my mom. So I would say... keep/start asking your adult kid about how they're doing, what is going on in their lives, separate from the grandkids.
Each of my 2 grandchildren come to play with me once a week while the other goes to daycare. It’s wonderful to go at the pace they wish, do activities they enjoy and not have my attention divided or consumed by chores as it was when I was raising my children. I frequently help with sick kid/doctor visits, date nights for my daughter and son-in-law and they know they can ask because I told them from the very beginning that I would only say “yes” if it was whole hearted. I never want to feel like being with my babies is a chore.
"Let's go change that diaper,
poopy, stinky diaper..
Let's go change that diaper now.
Oh look there's some poo-poo
and some pee-pee too, too,
Let's go change that diaper now.
Oh by the way, oh by the way, when we WIPE every body will say...
HURRAY !!!!
Yes ! we changed that diaper - no more stinky diaper
Yes, we changed that diaper now".
Sung to the tune of "Yes, sir, that's my baby"
; repeat if/when necessary - speed, different/additional lyrics up to you.
Works every time - AND - they sing along !!!
Great fun.
Love it.
Have 4 - they're old now ("youngest" is 11) but ALL of 'em loved the song when they were "that age"....
Such a timely article. My husband and I are first time grandparents. Our grandson is one month old this week. Luckily, as I read along, I have been doing a few things right, but appreciate maybe some of the things I could do better with - like those unwashed dishes. We are about an hour plus ride from our son and his family. We are very respectful of their time together as a new family. We never show up empty-handed, or (god forbid) unannounced. I praise them both for being such good parents. Everything is so different than when I had my sons. I am learning along with them. Thanks for your newsletter today. I always enjoy it but today’s really hit home.
I'm glad to hear this was well-timed for at least one person. Thanks Sari for the opportunity to share!
A pleasure!
Glad to hear!
Thanks, Sari!
My parents and my kids' other grandparents were a solid, positive presence in their lives. Now, as a grandmother myself, I want to follow the lead of my daughters and their partners as far as their parenting styles go, while (fortuitously) realizing that my role is to nurture and support, not to supplant them as in-the-trenches parental units. Thank the goddesses for that! 🤣
Grandpa of three, and my wife and I provide a lot of childcare so our daughters and their husbands can work. My mother-in-law was a great example for us - she was always there when we needed her and knew when to butt out.
Most of what I know of being a grandparent I wrote in this post: https://notcomplaining.substack.com/p/seven-habits-of-highly-successful
I'll check out the link!