How to Be a Good Grandparent
A first-timer's guide, in collaboration with Claire Zulkey's "Evil Witches" newsletter. Plus an open thread about your experiences as a first-time parent and/or grandparent, and your tips for others.
Readers,
Today we’ve got a post from Claire Zulkey, the writer and mom behind the Evil Witches Newsletter, a parenting magazine. Here, she offers advice to those just becoming grandparents on how to be helpful to their children, who are just becoming parents. Claire crowd-sourced these bits of advice from her own readership, and she presents them anonymously.
This post is also an open thread, where you can share your advice and experiences — as both grandparents and parents.
We invite you to chime in, in the comments: Those of you who had kids, what was something your parents or in-laws did that was helpful, or not? If you’re a grandparent, what was your philosophy when your kids became new parents? What did your kids ask of you, and how did you respond to it? Lastly, grandparents: what was it like when you first became parents? Did your own parents help out in ways that were useful, or not?
By Claire Zulkey
When I learned that a woman I attended Orangetheory Fitness with was soon to be a first-time grandma, I advised her not to comment on the new parents’ home décor the way my mom did when I was postpartum after my first child was born. Talking to a soon-to-be first-time grandparent made me curious what my friends and newsletter community found their parents did for them that was helpful or unhelpful after they became a first-time parent. So I interviewed a few.
In corresponding with them, I found a lot of anecdotes illustrating what new grandparents definitely should not do. But I also discovered that a lot of lucky first-time parents had parents of their own who supported the new families in a truly meaningful way, which made me reflect on the many ways my parents are really good grandparents, early interior design commentary aside.
In case there are any new or soon-to-be grandparents among you, here are some ways some of the readers of my newsletter, Evil Witches, felt truly supported as new parents:
“I will never forget my mother-in-law’s kindnesses to me when my son was a baby. They would arrange a visit through my husband and leave me out of it and then she would walk in and immediately fill the sink with soapy water and wash bottles and whatever dishes were there. I exclusively pumped [breast milk] for a year, and she took it upon herself to learn about it and gave me so much support that I didn't know I needed. She’d had six kids and never once made any comments about how she raised six kids and knew whatever; she always asked me how we did things at our home, and how I wanted things to be done.”
“One thing I will always treasure is that my dad told me one day ‘You don't have to leave the room to breastfeed. If you want me to leave, I will, but I am not uncomfortable about it. Just feed your baby how you need to,’ and it was really, really sweet.”
“I found it helpful to have my folks hear from a ‘third party expert’ - our whole family loves learning, so I sent them to a ‘new grandparent’ class at the local hospital. It was targeted exactly to them, people who had obviously raised kids but whose baby knowledge was decades old. It also covered how to handle the change of seeing your kid become a parent. It was really useful for everyone!”
Talking to a soon-to-be first-time grandparent made me curious what my friends and newsletter community found their parents did for them that was helpful or unhelpful after they became a first-time parent. So I interviewed a few.
“I think it's really important for grandparents to recognize that the mom/birthing parent has just gone through a huge physical ordeal. I appreciated that my mom immediately checked on me and not the baby.”
“My mother should win an award for all-time best grandma. She was there for the births, she said she was proud of me, she went on and on about how cute my babies were, she did my dishes for me, she got me water, she offered to sleep over to serve as night nurse, she held the baby when I wanted her to, and she helped with cooking and cleaning when she wasn't holding the baby. Importantly, she took the time to tell me I was a great mother, that my instincts were good.”
“I find it helpful when the grandparents affirm that something is just hard. My dad once told me, quietly, during a visit when our 11-month-old was going through some kind of sleep regression/refusal/shit: ‘This is a hard time.’ And then he shut up. And it was lovely.”
“My parents live far away and when I was pregnant, my mom insisted that she would come and stay for a few weeks to help after my husband went back to work. I was really upset at first that she wasn't going to be there when I gave birth and brought my twins home. However, she explained to me that she thought it was important that we have that time as our new little family of four. And she was so right! Those two weeks were tough but also magical! And it was amazing to have her stay with me once my husband was back at work, and I would have been alone all day with two babies.”
“The best thing my mom said post first baby was ‘Go sleep, we're fine.’ I woke up an hour later and the baby was asleep and she was sweeping. Best thing she did post second baby was bring a recipe for stewed fruits to help me poop when I was constipated after labor.”
“Good: Noticing an activity nearby that might interest an older sibling and asking parents ahead of time if you can take Sibling to go do a fun thing out of the house for an hour. Bringing with you on a planned visit a couple of outfits for a larger size than the baby currently is, or a small pack of diapers. (Babies grow out of stuff SO SUDDENLY)”
“My mother-in-law would come over three-ish times a week for just a couple hours at a time (key!) and do whatever I needed - hold the baby so I could sleep or shower, do the laundry, clean, wash bottle/pump parts, load/unload the dishwasher. After initially asking and finding out what things I was comfortable with her doing, she would just do any chores needed, which was great because I know I wouldn’t have contributed or asked her for help. She would leave as soon as she felt like she was no longer helpful to ‘get out of my hair.’ It was so huge in terms of maintaining a sense of normalcy and feeling like myself to have my house in order (especially with the second kid). Truly a gift. My father-in-law is the cook and would make us meals regularly for several months - well past the initial meal train days.”
“One thing that my in-laws did, which I appreciated, is that they generally kept their mouths shut if/when we did things they didn't agree with or were weirded out by. For example, the first time I breastfed my kid in public around my father-in-law was at a Chili's; I draped a blanket over myself and got going, and when he realized what I was doing, I could tell by his face that he was absolutely freaking the fuck out, but he didn't say a word.”
“My mother-in-law bought my kid a lot of clothes because she knows my partner and I hate clothes shopping; but she's also cognizant that he's getting older and has his own opinions on clothes, so she asks him/me/us what he wants to wear now.”
Of course, if you’re dying for some “don’ts,” here were a few recurring ones that turned up in my interviews:
First time grandparent? Don’t…
● Make unannounced visits
● Express disagreement or dismay if your children get and practice parenting advice that runs counter to what you did as a new parent.
● Comment on the new parents’ bodies or what they eat
● Comment critically on the new parents’ housekeeping
● Expect the new parents to serve you food or host a family event
● Deny the existence of postpartum depression or colic
● Resist letting other people hold the baby or suggesting the baby doesn’t need to go to sleep when the parent says it should
● Share sentimental memories of your own breastfeeding/parental leave
● Rearrange the new parents’ pantry if you’re staying with them. (“I am still finding stuff seven years later. Who does that?”)
Now we invite you to chime in, in the comments: Those of you who had kids, what was something your parents or in-laws did that was helpful, or not? If you’re a grandparent, what was your philosophy when your kids became new parents? What did your kids ask of you, and how did you respond to it? Lastly, grandparents: what was it like when you first became parents? Did your own parents help out in ways that were useful, or no not?
Thanks for weighing in. Thanks as always for subscribing and commenting, and for your support! Have a great weekend.
-Sari
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My paternal grandparents were the light in my and my brother's lives. Our mother died when we were 7 and 4, and we acquired our first (Cinderella) stepmother two years later. Thank God our gps lived next door. They played huge roles in our lives for the next five decades, until our gm died at 100. Always there for us, took us on amazing trips, sent us a cascade of letters and cards when we were apart. My own closest relationship into young adulthood was with my gm.
Years later, as Covid was beginning, our son brought his 10-month-old daughter to live with us while her mother overseas was ill. No daycare or babysitters during the beginning of the pandemic, so we, her grandparents, were her primary caregivers for 1.5 years and her primary backup for 1.5 years once she could go to daycare, until the family was reunited. They live several blocks away and she is now the light of our lives. Most of our plans for retirement have been dashed, but it is a tremendous privilege and joy to be part of her growing up. We help with paying for extras and with driving, we have her over to play and for overnights, we take her on field trips, we try to help with medical situations, and we try hard to respect the privacy of their household. I am far from perfect, and it can be difficult for our lives to be so intertwined. I often have to zip
my lips; I'm sure they would say not often enough. But she always has a house to go to where she is surrounded by live and joy in her presence.
I am not a parent but one thing I always tried to do for my friends with infants is just ask if I can come over and help clean! I am happy to do any task big or small to their standards. I am also a good baby watcher while mom gets a nap, shower, haircut, errands, etc. It does take a village and this article has such great advice for us fellow "village" members! Now that I am in the (early!) grandmother age range I will take these to heart!