When her husband receives a serious diagnosis, Jean Schiffman recalls her father's dedication to her mother, and rethinks what she left out of her wedding vows.
Beautiful, Jean. I also left out "in sickness and in health" from our wedding vows. Like you, that has all changed. I get why those words matter. They are essential. Thank you for this lovely writing.
We did not leave out "in sickness and in health" from our vows. Yes, these words matter. At the time of our 2nd anniversary (which is today), my beloved husband at age 62, only a few months before had been diagnosed with brain cancer. I never once contemplated not honoring our vows.
Love and commitment are not only adjectives of feelings, they are verbs.
Oh Jean, I’m so sorry. But the only part of that “boilerplate” worth remembering is “from this day forward”.
At the end of my first Cancer Care grief counseling session, Lucia my much younger mentor wisely counseled “you can’t defeat nature”. I found that remarkably comforting. I hope you do too.
Oh I love this. It speaks to me so much of how love matures through the years and comes to represent something so much deeper than you imagined when you were young. Having been a cynic about marriage my whole life, I am finally tying the knot (for the first time) at age 50 to my partner of 13 years. THIS is what I hope for in making that commitment ❤️
Sari, I think this is an important series. It seems rare, in our current culture, to see much about long-term relationships, their value is not recognized and held as important because it's not sexy and shiny. I appreciate how relationships and love have changed and we are no longer locked in by cultural norms, to stay where we no longer fit. However, as with other issues, we tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater (such a funny saying!) and ignore longevity and what it offers each person as well as the fabric of our community. We need to honor both sides, the choice to not be long term (I do recognize it is often NOT by choice) and the choice to stick it out.
Jean, thank you for sharing your story. It beautiful, hard and real which makes our hard and real seem less scary. I love the pictures you included. I am going through this exact thing with my Mom so it pulled on my heartstrings.
Jean Schiffman’s story is what marriage is all about. And that’s why I have to disagree with Sari’s statement that couplehood is “over-privileged in our culture.” I am not saying that everyone should find a partner, and I have no concern about who the partner should be, or even how many of them. However, I highly recommend not going through life alone. Life is tough enough, but my work, and many studies show that a good partner is one of the best ingredients for a happy and healthy life. I also know that having a bad partner is worse than being without a partner. I have been married for 55 years and my wife and I have both been through debilitating illnesses. Getting older together has made the relationship not only stronger but more fun. However, I realize that the world changed a great deal since we got married. Our relationship changed with it, as we both have had successful careers, and feel we were successful parents, neither of which we could have accomplished without each other. It is very gratifying to see that our two children are also in relationships that are strong, equal, and supportive of each other’s talents. Sure, many people feel they are happier, more flexible, and freer on their own. I don’t question their decisions. Yet, for me, I appreciate the benefits of a long and devoted partnership.
It takes two people to honor the marriage commitment. Even if one is all in and fiercely devoted, if the other is just going through the motions, based on complete misrepresentation, it cannot survive.
Turns out… I was only a ‘beard’. My belief in the ‘sickness and health’ part lead to threats on my life! I had fallen in love with a fabrication. The real person behind it held me in contempt: I was not in love with the real him. I never got the chance to see them.
How beautifully Schiffman builds her piece to the expansive and utterly perfect final paragraph. I wonder how many endings she toyed with before landing on this one.
Beautiful, Jean. I also left out "in sickness and in health" from our wedding vows. Like you, that has all changed. I get why those words matter. They are essential. Thank you for this lovely writing.
We did not leave out "in sickness and in health" from our vows. Yes, these words matter. At the time of our 2nd anniversary (which is today), my beloved husband at age 62, only a few months before had been diagnosed with brain cancer. I never once contemplated not honoring our vows.
Love and commitment are not only adjectives of feelings, they are verbs.
Oh Jean, I’m so sorry. But the only part of that “boilerplate” worth remembering is “from this day forward”.
At the end of my first Cancer Care grief counseling session, Lucia my much younger mentor wisely counseled “you can’t defeat nature”. I found that remarkably comforting. I hope you do too.
Health is so fluid in definition and reality. It’s surprisingly delightful to read about the effect of bodily changes on our closest relationship.
Oh I love this. It speaks to me so much of how love matures through the years and comes to represent something so much deeper than you imagined when you were young. Having been a cynic about marriage my whole life, I am finally tying the knot (for the first time) at age 50 to my partner of 13 years. THIS is what I hope for in making that commitment ❤️
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding Vicki! May it take you on a gentle, soulful journey that nurtures you at your deepest level.
Thank you Donna ❤
Lovely and uplifting despite all the setbacks or perhaps the setbacks enhance the loveliness of the two marriages described. Thank you.
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Great story! My favorite part is that your mom was herself when she first interacted with your dad and that he knew that she was and liked that.
Sari, I think this is an important series. It seems rare, in our current culture, to see much about long-term relationships, their value is not recognized and held as important because it's not sexy and shiny. I appreciate how relationships and love have changed and we are no longer locked in by cultural norms, to stay where we no longer fit. However, as with other issues, we tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater (such a funny saying!) and ignore longevity and what it offers each person as well as the fabric of our community. We need to honor both sides, the choice to not be long term (I do recognize it is often NOT by choice) and the choice to stick it out.
Jean, thank you for sharing your story. It beautiful, hard and real which makes our hard and real seem less scary. I love the pictures you included. I am going through this exact thing with my Mom so it pulled on my heartstrings.
What a lovely, wrenching essay!
Bittersweet to the max and so enlightening an essay. Thank you.
Jean Schiffman’s story is what marriage is all about. And that’s why I have to disagree with Sari’s statement that couplehood is “over-privileged in our culture.” I am not saying that everyone should find a partner, and I have no concern about who the partner should be, or even how many of them. However, I highly recommend not going through life alone. Life is tough enough, but my work, and many studies show that a good partner is one of the best ingredients for a happy and healthy life. I also know that having a bad partner is worse than being without a partner. I have been married for 55 years and my wife and I have both been through debilitating illnesses. Getting older together has made the relationship not only stronger but more fun. However, I realize that the world changed a great deal since we got married. Our relationship changed with it, as we both have had successful careers, and feel we were successful parents, neither of which we could have accomplished without each other. It is very gratifying to see that our two children are also in relationships that are strong, equal, and supportive of each other’s talents. Sure, many people feel they are happier, more flexible, and freer on their own. I don’t question their decisions. Yet, for me, I appreciate the benefits of a long and devoted partnership.
Great for you both!
But we cannot summon or command that relationship to materialize before our eyes. A lot is just luck, being in the right time and place.
Some have scars too deep to keep
looking.
It takes two people to honor the marriage commitment. Even if one is all in and fiercely devoted, if the other is just going through the motions, based on complete misrepresentation, it cannot survive.
Turns out… I was only a ‘beard’. My belief in the ‘sickness and health’ part lead to threats on my life! I had fallen in love with a fabrication. The real person behind it held me in contempt: I was not in love with the real him. I never got the chance to see them.
So sorry to hear this...
I am WAY better off: I live in truth and freedom. I am safe and happy! I am however, very unlikely to ever do that again!
How beautifully Schiffman builds her piece to the expansive and utterly perfect final paragraph. I wonder how many endings she toyed with before landing on this one.
Such a poignant and lovely piece!
Life teaches us who we are when we not yet know!! To life! And emotional connection!
Very beautiful essay
This is just beautiful!