I joined a day camp (for its pool) and re-established old connections with the kids' much younger parents. Do you have intergenerational friendships? And where do you cool off? An Open Thread.
I'm nervous about going to our condo pool, because I am afraid I won't know how to make small talk. Which is ridiculous, because I am the receptionist for my university office and used to be a society reporter! But I am going Sunday! Will report back.
I’m not great at making small talk, but I find props can help. If someone has a comment about a tote bag with a logo that has some meaning for me (or a good thrift origin story) or a book I’m holding, then we are off in a less awkward fashion. You can do it, Tracy!
I’m 54. In late fall of 2019, newly separated and my kids grown(ish), I started doing volunteer phone banking for Bernie Sanders. The spot where I did it was near a college campus and while not many undergrads participated, it drew a generally younger crowd including people who (like me) were a little bit at a loose end socially, often new to town. From this group, a crowd of about 15-30+ of us stayed connected in the pandemic, continued remote and in person political activism, had a remote book group and a remote movie night, went camping together. We are still friends, some closer than others. The age range is 20s to 60s, but most are millennials. I eventually started dating a man from this group (13 years my junior) and we married last September. We all feel so fortunate to have had a socially lively pandemic.
Congratulations on your marriage. I was married to a man 13 1/2 years my junior, and we were happy together for 35 years until his sudden death. People said we looked the same age when we were together, meaning I think, that as a couple we appeared well-matched.
I’m 63. My oldest child is 40. But my youngest is 16. His friends parents are younger sometimes than my oldest kid. So- I have some much younger friends. I’m blessed to live in a tiny house( not much to clean) on 15 acres that includes a creek and woods. Many cool spaces to walk to, sit and think, sometimes write I don’t even have to travel.
I was just having this conversation with my mom! At (an extremely healthy, vibrant) 81, she is the one with friends my age and younger, in part because her work in education, her interests and hobbies have given her the chance to find and connect with them. While she may be more like a mentor to a lot of them, she sees them socially one-on-one, or in small groups, and they keep up over over social media and phone calls. It keeps her broadening her mind, and I think it’s hashtag-goals as her millennial friends would say.
I am 67 and I have 3 grandchildren 5 and under. We have standing dates every week to take a kid and give the parents a break (the pandemic was so hard on the parents). We hit all the local playgrounds, pools and family friendly activities. Like you, I love getting back out into the world to interact with other people of all ages. (Introvert here & I need the kick in the pants to be sociable)
Nice! I'm an extrovert/introvert hybrid, and the pandemic tipped the balance toward the introvert. I have to push myself out of the house, and to talk to people.
Thanks for saying that, Sari. I found I didn't want to return to some activities/people - that I'd really liked being alone with my two cats (indoor only due to wildlife here) and golden retriever. The wildlife. Oh yeah, and husband. I set up a women's support group in the nearest arty community a year and a half ago (an hour's drive away), and we meet once a week for an hour or two and talk about books, our lives, recovery. That's been amazing.
Thanks! It's turned out to be helpful for all of us in ways I couldn't even imagine. I just knew I needed to do it. So many felt so hopeless during the long isolation and fear. Now we're doing what women have done for centuries, gathering in the circle.
Guess I’m an extroverted introvert. I hesitate to go out, but when I d, I’m a chatty Cathy. Having taught skiing for many years, I’m no longer shy. I strike up conversations with strangers a lot.
Hola! My name is Lisa Mersky and I live in the wooded outskirts of Austin on a creek. My favorite place to cool off is in my backyard cowboy pool. I am 70 and love my inter generational friendships. Sadly, most of my friends older than me have died, which has also taught me important lessons about life. I make younger friends by attending art workshops. My longest running younger friend is twenty years younger. We met 34 years ago when she was my daughter’s nanny! Over the years, she has photographed our wedding, (I remarried to a man 9 years younger than myself!), been our pet sitter, my personal assistant, and now we often bond over our love of getting our dogs together for doggie play dates. With my younger friends, the age difference matters, but in a good way - i learn about art, culture and point of views that are new and different from what I absorb from my age mates. I love my younger friends! Another wonderful benefit, is now that I am 70, when I get together with my peers, we always start off with what we call our “organ recital” - sharing our various ailments, aches and pains. This never happens with my younger friends, which is quite refreshing! Thanks for your thought provoking questions!
OMG the organ recital! I hate it! I have a friend who calls time after 15 minutes of health talk and refuses to let anyone go there for the rest of the conversation. It leads to much more fun conversations.
Organ recital!🤣 I used to think I'd never allow myself to become the old person talking about ailments, but when you're at that point it actually helps to get advice and support and just vent. It's what's happening in your lives and worthy of (some) discussion with peers just like any other shared experience. I just try not to let the conversations devolve to "life sucks and then you die" pessimism.
I live in New Brunswick, Canada (just north of Maine) and we are blessed with abundant rivers (I'm looking out at the Kennebecasis right now, all foggy and grand), lakes, brooks and, for the steeliest swimmers, the mighty, ice-cold Bay of Fundy. I swim whenever I can, and love all of these bodies of water for their different smells, temperatures, and, well, temperaments. I often swim with kids, including my 13 yo son, Gus, but, come to think of it, the beach is a great mixer of generations, isn't it? In our small town, intergenerational mixing is pretty common. Just last night, I went to see my brother's band play, and in the crowd were friends, relatives and neighbours from 5 to at least 75. I love the sense of community in that. Thanks for your questions - answering them made me happy. Love your work!
I love everything about this effort to form friendships and community with multiple generations. In addition to family my main association with young people is to share exercise equipment with them - when I am at the gym, many of the other exercisers are 50 years younger than I am. Another dimension of this intergenerational conversation takes place in memoir groups and classes. All the people in the room were children at one time, and in our shared stories, we often awaken intergenerational memories of our own.
What has helped is being in a book club for more than 20 years. We all used to be co-workers, and we have our "matriarch," now 71, and our youngest member is 42. We've met monthly (minus December) this entire time. We used Zoom during the pandemic, and have helped one another through illness, divorce, babies, and more. As one of the "younger" members, I've gleaned so much from the older women who are now grandmothers - the long view of the tough trials of raising a child. What's interesting is some of us maintain closer friendships in between meeting, but we don't have a group chat - we save our check-ins for when we meet, and do actually discuss the book. It's a balm, a time when we connect and learn and share, and something we all prioritize. It means so much to me, and I remain eternally grateful.
My husband and I are in our 60s and we're lucky to have many intergenerational friends. One young family has adopted us as "Lolly and Jojo" the pet names their toddlers invented for us. We regularly go out for breakfast together and share dinners in the park. Their friendship and shenanigans (doesn't that sound like an 'old' word?) enriches our lives in many ways... We also have older friends in their 80s who live in our neighborhood. We walk our dogs together, and talk over pie at the local shop.
As to cooling off... we've been riding our e-bikes in the early evenings, and jumping in the river. The light is angled through the trees instead of relentlessly slamming the tops of our heads, most of the small children have gone home and the dock is full of flirting teenagers, flexing their rizz (and there my friends is the 'young' word!).
Can you make a post with all your writing about inter generational friendship? I’ve recently thought about becoming a single mom by choice and have weighed that against being child free but having intentional friendships with my friends kid, I love the idea of being their trusted adult friend who is not their parent or a parent in general. I’ve thought about intentionally asking my friends about having this role in their kids life’s. So this is so timely and interesting to me.
Love the idea of intentional friendships with friends’ kids. Good luck with your choice. (I don’t have the bandwidth to gather all the mentions of intergenerational friendships, but you’ll see it here and there throughout the Oldster archives.)
Whether you end up a mom or not, I love the idea of forming a relationship with your friend's child. When I was parent,I appreciated the relationships that my son turned with other adults so much. I was a single mom so it was even more impactful. Later, in my forties, I began a wonderful relationship with the 23-year-old daughter of our friends. We both loved it because we had so many common interests that her own parents did not share. Her mom was happy about it too. My young friend is in her thirties now. We are all still in touch.
I agree, Jessica - intentional friendship with your friends’ kids or younger generations in your own family is an important role. In my own adolescence/early adulthood various friends & siblings of my parents were ‘trusted adults.’ Obviously I could only see this from my own POV but I have to think it must have provided a release valve when I got advice or encouragement from these adults instead of only from my parents.
You should definitely talk to your friends about this. I really wanted intentional relationships with my friends' children, and did the work on my end, but it can be hit or miss, especially as they grow. You can't force any friendship but you really can't force an adult child friendship because in the end, the child really decides. I see this now with my own child and the adults in his life. Kids can tell if an adult is trying too hard and it's a turn off. So I hope talking to your friends about it works and that your friends truly believe you, because a lot of parents seem to think their children are burdens to everyone, even if you offer to step in. Good luck!
The water and the intergenerational friendships of open-minded folks is why I don’t leave Boise even though the political climate is dangerous. Love wins for me here.
I'm 66, live in Montréal and have lots of younger and a few older friends. the younger friends come from 2 streams: kids of my friends who are now wonderful adults in their own rights, and my involvement in a community of learners. i get a favoured aunt relationship in many of these cases, but also an experienced peer (as a psychologist, a mom, an active person). some of these younger friends see me as a blend of all that. i got a late start on my profession, having had a music career previously, so my cohort was 10 years younger than i. all of this keeps me active in the world. and my older friends are my wise peers.
if I can't get to the sea, i cool off at the movies or in my lovely flat where, five years ago, i broke down and got AC.
“Mommy, Mommy, our friends are here!” How adorable!! I'm a teacher and get plenty (!) of kid energy during the school year so this would not be my ideal summer third space, but I totally get the appeal. I have much younger friends who started out colleagues and I treasure their friendships. What I long for is basically the old style pub where "everybody knows your name" and adult conversations can range from mundane to philosophical. My neighbors have a fire pit we gather around on pleasant evenings and that's close, but it's always the same people. I'd love intergenerational barn dances!
I love everything about this. The intergenerational community, swimming, and most of all camp! So happy it’s an option for for you and Brian. Since a recent injury had caused me to stop running, I am working at the Y pool to improve my swimming. Very inter generational there and I am enjoying it and learning from my fellow swimmers. Enjoy!
I'm nervous about going to our condo pool, because I am afraid I won't know how to make small talk. Which is ridiculous, because I am the receptionist for my university office and used to be a society reporter! But I am going Sunday! Will report back.
Yes, all that time sheltering in place took a toll on my ability to make much small talk. Hope you have fun on Sunday!
Thank you for mentioning that awkwardness. It's been a challenge to recover from the isolation of the pandemic.
For real.
I’m not great at making small talk, but I find props can help. If someone has a comment about a tote bag with a logo that has some meaning for me (or a good thrift origin story) or a book I’m holding, then we are off in a less awkward fashion. You can do it, Tracy!
Dippity do Tracy! 🏊🏼♀️🏊🏿♀️🏊🏽♀️🏊🏽🏊🏿 Amazing what a smile and a hello (and extra sunscreen for sharing) will do!
You can do it, Tracy. So many people are secretly lonely and would love to have a casual interaction.
I’m 54. In late fall of 2019, newly separated and my kids grown(ish), I started doing volunteer phone banking for Bernie Sanders. The spot where I did it was near a college campus and while not many undergrads participated, it drew a generally younger crowd including people who (like me) were a little bit at a loose end socially, often new to town. From this group, a crowd of about 15-30+ of us stayed connected in the pandemic, continued remote and in person political activism, had a remote book group and a remote movie night, went camping together. We are still friends, some closer than others. The age range is 20s to 60s, but most are millennials. I eventually started dating a man from this group (13 years my junior) and we married last September. We all feel so fortunate to have had a socially lively pandemic.
I just love this, and congrats on your marriage. <3
Congratulations on your marriage. I was married to a man 13 1/2 years my junior, and we were happy together for 35 years until his sudden death. People said we looked the same age when we were together, meaning I think, that as a couple we appeared well-matched.
<3
I’m 63. My oldest child is 40. But my youngest is 16. His friends parents are younger sometimes than my oldest kid. So- I have some much younger friends. I’m blessed to live in a tiny house( not much to clean) on 15 acres that includes a creek and woods. Many cool spaces to walk to, sit and think, sometimes write I don’t even have to travel.
How lovely, on both fronts.
Sounds like you have a little haven that's quite heavenly!
I was just having this conversation with my mom! At (an extremely healthy, vibrant) 81, she is the one with friends my age and younger, in part because her work in education, her interests and hobbies have given her the chance to find and connect with them. While she may be more like a mentor to a lot of them, she sees them socially one-on-one, or in small groups, and they keep up over over social media and phone calls. It keeps her broadening her mind, and I think it’s hashtag-goals as her millennial friends would say.
Love this. Hashtag-goals for sure. <3
We all (can) have #goals 😂😊
I love this!
Reading this gives me a happy feeling. I think the adult day camp idea is fantastic. This comingling of ages is beneficial for all.
Thanks, and (obviously!) I agree!
I am 67 and I have 3 grandchildren 5 and under. We have standing dates every week to take a kid and give the parents a break (the pandemic was so hard on the parents). We hit all the local playgrounds, pools and family friendly activities. Like you, I love getting back out into the world to interact with other people of all ages. (Introvert here & I need the kick in the pants to be sociable)
Nice! I'm an extrovert/introvert hybrid, and the pandemic tipped the balance toward the introvert. I have to push myself out of the house, and to talk to people.
Thanks for saying that, Sari. I found I didn't want to return to some activities/people - that I'd really liked being alone with my two cats (indoor only due to wildlife here) and golden retriever. The wildlife. Oh yeah, and husband. I set up a women's support group in the nearest arty community a year and a half ago (an hour's drive away), and we meet once a week for an hour or two and talk about books, our lives, recovery. That's been amazing.
The support groups sounds great.
What a service to your community, Kirie. Good for you! 💖
Thanks! It's turned out to be helpful for all of us in ways I couldn't even imagine. I just knew I needed to do it. So many felt so hopeless during the long isolation and fear. Now we're doing what women have done for centuries, gathering in the circle.
Guess I’m an extroverted introvert. I hesitate to go out, but when I d, I’m a chatty Cathy. Having taught skiing for many years, I’m no longer shy. I strike up conversations with strangers a lot.
I alternate between social butterfly and shut-in.
I learned a word for you (us :) — ambivert! Walking around and throwing an occasional smile and hello bring out the extroverts in all of us 😊
Hola! My name is Lisa Mersky and I live in the wooded outskirts of Austin on a creek. My favorite place to cool off is in my backyard cowboy pool. I am 70 and love my inter generational friendships. Sadly, most of my friends older than me have died, which has also taught me important lessons about life. I make younger friends by attending art workshops. My longest running younger friend is twenty years younger. We met 34 years ago when she was my daughter’s nanny! Over the years, she has photographed our wedding, (I remarried to a man 9 years younger than myself!), been our pet sitter, my personal assistant, and now we often bond over our love of getting our dogs together for doggie play dates. With my younger friends, the age difference matters, but in a good way - i learn about art, culture and point of views that are new and different from what I absorb from my age mates. I love my younger friends! Another wonderful benefit, is now that I am 70, when I get together with my peers, we always start off with what we call our “organ recital” - sharing our various ailments, aches and pains. This never happens with my younger friends, which is quite refreshing! Thanks for your thought provoking questions!
Love the friends of all ages, and also the "organ recital" — hilarious term.
OMG the organ recital! I hate it! I have a friend who calls time after 15 minutes of health talk and refuses to let anyone go there for the rest of the conversation. It leads to much more fun conversations.
Organ recital!🤣 I used to think I'd never allow myself to become the old person talking about ailments, but when you're at that point it actually helps to get advice and support and just vent. It's what's happening in your lives and worthy of (some) discussion with peers just like any other shared experience. I just try not to let the conversations devolve to "life sucks and then you die" pessimism.
I live in New Brunswick, Canada (just north of Maine) and we are blessed with abundant rivers (I'm looking out at the Kennebecasis right now, all foggy and grand), lakes, brooks and, for the steeliest swimmers, the mighty, ice-cold Bay of Fundy. I swim whenever I can, and love all of these bodies of water for their different smells, temperatures, and, well, temperaments. I often swim with kids, including my 13 yo son, Gus, but, come to think of it, the beach is a great mixer of generations, isn't it? In our small town, intergenerational mixing is pretty common. Just last night, I went to see my brother's band play, and in the crowd were friends, relatives and neighbours from 5 to at least 75. I love the sense of community in that. Thanks for your questions - answering them made me happy. Love your work!
I love this, and am so pleased that answering my questions made you happy!
I love everything about this effort to form friendships and community with multiple generations. In addition to family my main association with young people is to share exercise equipment with them - when I am at the gym, many of the other exercisers are 50 years younger than I am. Another dimension of this intergenerational conversation takes place in memoir groups and classes. All the people in the room were children at one time, and in our shared stories, we often awaken intergenerational memories of our own.
"All the people in the room were children at one time..." Yes. I love this. Thank you.
What has helped is being in a book club for more than 20 years. We all used to be co-workers, and we have our "matriarch," now 71, and our youngest member is 42. We've met monthly (minus December) this entire time. We used Zoom during the pandemic, and have helped one another through illness, divorce, babies, and more. As one of the "younger" members, I've gleaned so much from the older women who are now grandmothers - the long view of the tough trials of raising a child. What's interesting is some of us maintain closer friendships in between meeting, but we don't have a group chat - we save our check-ins for when we meet, and do actually discuss the book. It's a balm, a time when we connect and learn and share, and something we all prioritize. It means so much to me, and I remain eternally grateful.
Book clubs are great for this! Good to have the perspectives on a book from multiple age groups.
My husband and I are in our 60s and we're lucky to have many intergenerational friends. One young family has adopted us as "Lolly and Jojo" the pet names their toddlers invented for us. We regularly go out for breakfast together and share dinners in the park. Their friendship and shenanigans (doesn't that sound like an 'old' word?) enriches our lives in many ways... We also have older friends in their 80s who live in our neighborhood. We walk our dogs together, and talk over pie at the local shop.
As to cooling off... we've been riding our e-bikes in the early evenings, and jumping in the river. The light is angled through the trees instead of relentlessly slamming the tops of our heads, most of the small children have gone home and the dock is full of flirting teenagers, flexing their rizz (and there my friends is the 'young' word!).
Thanks, Sari, for the summer thread.
My pleasure. Love the nicknames!
Beautiful.
Thank you!
Can you make a post with all your writing about inter generational friendship? I’ve recently thought about becoming a single mom by choice and have weighed that against being child free but having intentional friendships with my friends kid, I love the idea of being their trusted adult friend who is not their parent or a parent in general. I’ve thought about intentionally asking my friends about having this role in their kids life’s. So this is so timely and interesting to me.
Love the idea of intentional friendships with friends’ kids. Good luck with your choice. (I don’t have the bandwidth to gather all the mentions of intergenerational friendships, but you’ll see it here and there throughout the Oldster archives.)
Whether you end up a mom or not, I love the idea of forming a relationship with your friend's child. When I was parent,I appreciated the relationships that my son turned with other adults so much. I was a single mom so it was even more impactful. Later, in my forties, I began a wonderful relationship with the 23-year-old daughter of our friends. We both loved it because we had so many common interests that her own parents did not share. Her mom was happy about it too. My young friend is in her thirties now. We are all still in touch.
This is very encouraging! Thank you for sharing.
I agree, Jessica - intentional friendship with your friends’ kids or younger generations in your own family is an important role. In my own adolescence/early adulthood various friends & siblings of my parents were ‘trusted adults.’ Obviously I could only see this from my own POV but I have to think it must have provided a release valve when I got advice or encouragement from these adults instead of only from my parents.
You should definitely talk to your friends about this. I really wanted intentional relationships with my friends' children, and did the work on my end, but it can be hit or miss, especially as they grow. You can't force any friendship but you really can't force an adult child friendship because in the end, the child really decides. I see this now with my own child and the adults in his life. Kids can tell if an adult is trying too hard and it's a turn off. So I hope talking to your friends about it works and that your friends truly believe you, because a lot of parents seem to think their children are burdens to everyone, even if you offer to step in. Good luck!
Thank you for this!
I have a friend who doesn’t have kids and was very close with our mutual friend’s daughters as they grew up. It was beautiful to see.
<3
The water and the intergenerational friendships of open-minded folks is why I don’t leave Boise even though the political climate is dangerous. Love wins for me here.
That says a lot!
I'm 66, live in Montréal and have lots of younger and a few older friends. the younger friends come from 2 streams: kids of my friends who are now wonderful adults in their own rights, and my involvement in a community of learners. i get a favoured aunt relationship in many of these cases, but also an experienced peer (as a psychologist, a mom, an active person). some of these younger friends see me as a blend of all that. i got a late start on my profession, having had a music career previously, so my cohort was 10 years younger than i. all of this keeps me active in the world. and my older friends are my wise peers.
if I can't get to the sea, i cool off at the movies or in my lovely flat where, five years ago, i broke down and got AC.
Sweet. I remember escaping to movie theaters in the summer to cool off when I lived in the city.
“Mommy, Mommy, our friends are here!” How adorable!! I'm a teacher and get plenty (!) of kid energy during the school year so this would not be my ideal summer third space, but I totally get the appeal. I have much younger friends who started out colleagues and I treasure their friendships. What I long for is basically the old style pub where "everybody knows your name" and adult conversations can range from mundane to philosophical. My neighbors have a fire pit we gather around on pleasant evenings and that's close, but it's always the same people. I'd love intergenerational barn dances!
The fire pit and barn dances sound like fun.
I love everything about this. The intergenerational community, swimming, and most of all camp! So happy it’s an option for for you and Brian. Since a recent injury had caused me to stop running, I am working at the Y pool to improve my swimming. Very inter generational there and I am enjoying it and learning from my fellow swimmers. Enjoy!
Sorry about the injury, Cara, but happy to hear about the Y pool!