Ask A Sober Oldster #9: The Small Bow's A.J. Daulerio

"A few months past my 42nd birthday, I began an earnest attempt at full-time, full-hearted recovery that has stuck."

This monthly interview series is a collaboration between Oldster Magazine and The Small Bow, A.J. Daulerio’s excellent newsletter about recovery and mental health, and will appear in both newsletters. Learn more about this collaboration in this Oldster podcast/videocast episode.

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A.J. Daulerio. Illustration by Edith Zimmerman

A.J. Daulerio is the creator of

The Small Bow

, a recovery newsletter for everyone.

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How old are you, and how long have you been in recovery?

50! I will celebrate 8 years of continuous sobriety this July if I continue to stay sober.

How did you get there? 

I can’t remember a time in my life when I felt normal or had a clear concept of what normalcy was. Depending on the situation, I was always a very introverted extrovert or vice versa. I had my first suicidal thoughts before I was a teenager, and those phantoms became louder the older I got. Enter, booze. Then drugs. I went to my first outpatient rehab as an 18-year-old college dropout and quickly realized I was not an alcoholic—yet.

I drank pretty uneventfully for the next few years, then began to drink more heavily into my late 20s and 30s. Drugs also became a big problem, if not the biggest problem. I tried to stop using them several times but never had the follow-through or the discipline to do it.

A few months past my 42nd birthday, I began an earnest attempt at full-time, full-hearted recovery that has stuck.

What are the best things about being in recovery? 

Making decisions. I better understand the precise moment when my emotional response will cause some unnecessary melodrama, so I contain my impulsive reactions way more than I ever did before.

I still have some lapses here and there, but I’m never surprised when the results are disastrous. Prime example: After the first season of our Really Good Shares podcast got nominated for an award in 2021, I proceeded to immediately and dramatically opt out of the next season because I didn’t like the shows we were grouped in the category with and thought that demonstrated a “lack of shared vision” between me and iHeart Radio. My whole reaction was completely despicable and unnecessary, but it jumped out of me like a demon. That type of reactive, self-destructive thinking has dogged me my whole life.

“I’m high as hell, wearing a visor.”

What’s hard about being in recovery?

Recognizing my faults. I’ve had a helluva time accepting how limited I am in some categories of my life, ones that I never realized I was lacking until I became sober. Losing connections with some old friends has been difficult, but the sober part of me can also see that as its own sign of growth. But the intermittent waves of loneliness are brutal.

How has your character changed? What's better about you?

I’m more reliable and loving. I’m not necessarily kinder to myself, but I’m definitely more understanding and curious about my damage. I’m less cynical. I have a deep and gentle conscience that reminds me when I’m ignoring it. And I frequently run to the people whose lives are the most on fire like it’s now my job. 

I’ve had a helluva time accepting how limited I am in some categories of my life, ones that I never realized I was lacking until I became sober. Losing connections with some old friends has been difficult, but the sober part of me can also see that as its own sign of growth. But the intermittent waves of loneliness are brutal.

What do you still need to work on? Can you still be a monster?

My temper is extremely monstrous and will get me in serious trouble if I don’t work at it. My father had the same temper, and he never made any attempts to get a handle on his. I think he believed that when he retired, moved to Florida, and had a bank account full enough to play golf four times per week, he’d finally be able to relax. But I witnessed him in his 70s scream at several very happy people on the golf course over minor speed-of-play infractions. I wondered if he would act that way if he could see himself—like if a security camera had captured his grossest tantrums. I try to remember that image of him and “play the tape forward” before I yell at someone, especially at my kids. I don’t want to grow old with that level of torment.

“My ‘workstation’ circa 2015”

What’s the best recovery memoir you’ve ever read? Tell us what you liked about it.

Not exactly a memoir, but this line from “Jesus’ Son” has never left my body since the first time I read it a decade ago

“I knew every raindrop by its name, I sensed everything before it happened.”

What are some memorable sober moments? 

I have gotten to cut the umbilical cord on three children and didn’t faint once. The Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament was cool. I got to touch my father’s hand as he died. The wedding we just attended in Asbury Park was as energizing and joyful a family moment as I could remember. And—this is truly a first—I finally went to the brunch the morning after the wedding. 

“Swamp Dogg, my dad, me and my visor, still high as hell.”

Are you in therapy? On meds? Tell us about that.

I’m on a daily routine of 200 mg of Lamictal, 600 mg of Gabapentin, and 2.5 mg of Zyprexa. But my psychiatrist also recommended I try adding a small dose of lithium into the mix to help with a recent prolonged bad loop of suicidal flashes. I see a therapist twice per month, a psychiatrist once every three months, and also do couples counseling twice per week. The official diagnosis is Bipolar II.

It’s terrible! : (

But it’s also fine. : )

What sort of activities or groups do you participate in to help your recovery? (i.e. swimming, 12-step, meditation, et cetera)

Current meeting routine:

Sunday: AA

Wednesday: TSB Meeting

Friday: Adult Child of Alcoholics

Saturday: Debtors Anonymous. 

Plus: 

I meditate for 5-10 minutes every day, sometimes twice. I exercise (when healthy) mostly running, BJJ, and golf, but I have occasionally played softball and tennis. I also do several daily journals. 

Are there any questions we haven’t asked you that you think we should add to this? And would you like to answer it?

AHEM:

Do you feel like you’re too self-involved? 

Yes.  

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With thanks to A.J. Daulerio and

Edith Zimmerman

at

The Small Bow

for the collaboration.

Previously A.J. Daulerio responded to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.

Check out the whole Sober Oldster series.