This is 48 (and 10 Months): A.J. Daulerio Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
This is 48 (and 10 Months): A.J. Daulerio Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"People older or even a few years younger interact with me like a kid simply because I don’t carry myself like an adult—I radiate 'crippling uncertainty' and 'never owned a home.'”
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, A.J. Daulerio, author and publisher of The Small Bow recovery newsletter, responds. - Sari Botton
A.J. Daulerio was an editor at Deadspin for 3 ½ years and was promoted to EIC of Gawker in 2012. In October 2012, he published portions of a sex tape featuring wrestling icon Hulk Hogan, resulting in him filing a $100 million lawsuit. In March of 2015, a Florida jury awarded Hogan $115 million for invasion of privacy and emotional distress. The ruling destroyed the company and upended his personal, professional, and sober life.
In 2018 he began publishing the recovery newsletter The Small Bow, which helps thousands of readers worldwide come to terms with their own sobriety and humanity. It's been lauded in the New York Times, and is a popular newsletter writer’s favorite newsletter. He also created and produced an Ambie-nominated podcast influenced by the newsletter called “Really Good Shares” for iHeart Radio.
For the past 20 years, he has written for dozens of online and print publications and was the controversial subject of profile pieces for GQ, Esquire, and HBO Real Sports. He lives in Los Angeles with a brilliant wife, three adorable children, and one noisy dog.
How old are you?
48 and 10 months.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
Yes. 40. Mostly because it’s an age that straddles young-old in a way that feels youthful but not delusional.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I feel very young for my age, both looks-wise and demeanor-wise—I’m very slight, I have most of my hair, and dress like a 25-year-old in rehab or Billie Eilish when she was in her green-hair-and-cozy-sweatpants phase. People older or even a few years younger interact with me like a kid simply because I don’t carry myself like an adult—I radiate “crippling uncertainty” and “never owned a home.”
I spent the first 35 years of adulthood preoccupied with success that was mostly unattainable, becoming consumed by money and public notoriety for hardcore blogging (ha), convinced that that’s what I needed to be content/peaceful. Shocker: I was wrong.
What do you like about being your age?
I am less obsessed with what other people think and have become more invested in becoming a better human. I spent the first 35 years of adulthood preoccupied with success that was mostly unattainable, becoming consumed by money and public notoriety for hardcore blogging (ha), convinced that that’s what I needed to be content/peaceful. Shocker: I was wrong. Plus I now gain nourishment and a deeper perspective staying off-line.
What is difficult about being your age?
The death. Every other month it seems like one of my high school friends’ parents has departed. It’s just this whiplash of recognition that, damn, 20, 30 years have flown by. Same with all my elementary school teachers, who I assumed lived forever as long as they stayed inside their classrooms. And then I lost a very close friend last year, and it leveled me. Then my father died just a couple weeks ago. Death only seemed to happen every decade and now it’s seasonal.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
When I was 25 I thought when I turned 50 I would spend most of my time wishing I were 25 again. I’m still a year away, but I’d be shocked if I suddenly began pining for my youth.
I lost a very close friend last year, and it leveled me. Then my father died just a couple weeks ago. Death only seemed to happen every decade and now it’s seasonal.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
What age has given me: Children! Three of them! Started when I was 42 and I would love to have more.
Taken: Jeez, eyesight. I need bright lights and big letters on all my devices. Also: grapefruit. My primary care physician swears by vitamins and statins so I mostly follow his orders, but it was a shock when he told me at age 45, “Your grapefruit-eating days are over, my friend.” (Apparently grapefruit juice can cause certain statins to become toxic.) Grapefruit probably wouldn’t enter the top 20 of my favorite fruits but the idea that my grapefruit time had been snatched from me felt significant.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself or your identity?
I have discovered that I don’t have an identity. Just gonna let the puzzle pieces fall into place and hope that at the end I have more people who consider my role in their lives a good memory as opposed to a bad one. I’ve shit on some meaningful relationships and friendships in adulthood, so I hope to preserve the ones I still have.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
Oh, I think professionally I feel behind when it comes to writing a book. I’ve had several opportunities and interest from agents and editors over the years (including, well, right this very second), but I always lose momentum and begin to second-guess while writing the proposal. It’s so strange! I do a weekly newsletter and I rarely hold back anything and write whatever I want, in whatever style feels good in the moment, but I always lose confidence when I start to seriously consider writing/selling/promoting a book.
My primary care physician swears by vitamins and statins so I mostly follow his orders, but it was a shock when he told me at age 45, “Your grapefruit-eating days are over, my friend.” (Apparently grapefruit juice can cause certain statins to become toxic.)
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
Oh, I love 48, it’s definitely my favorite, but if the time machine comes around, I’d spend a month in my 17-year-old life, mostly for the friendships. Anytime I get together with or even speak to my high school friends I feel energized and more human.
Is there someone who is older than you who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
Well, it was Roger Angell. When he was in his 90’s and producing work at the pace and quality he was at the New Yorker it made me more determined to keep my mind and body intact so that, just in case I live that long.
I have discovered that I don’t have an identity. Just gonna let the puzzle pieces fall into place and hope that at the end I have more people who consider my role in their lives a good memory as opposed to a bad one.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I try to floss and moisturize. I stretch more, do yoga after strenuous physical activity. Foam rolling! Ohhh–Tiger Balm. I lovvvve slathering my stuff in Tiger Balm. Also: hot tea. Oolong fucking rips.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
No “riding” escalators. I take the stairs if the stairs are available, or I treat the escalators like stairs no matter what, even when I have luggage.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
Celebrate quietly. I buy myself some baseball cards. Last year I took a friend out for lunch and that’s a tradition I’d like to continue.
The idea of not "carrying yourself as an adult" resonated for me. A few years ago, when I was in my late 60s, I was working at a community college library learning center where many adult students come to study, see tutors or take tests at our testing center. Some bring kids, and we have coloring books and kids' books and puzzles. A student brought her child, who was about 4 and while his mother was with a tutor, I was showing him stuff and playing with him the way I always have done with little kids (I am childfree), and he got a strange look on his face and said, "Are you a grownup or a kid?" He couldn't figure out how my behavior didn't match my looks. I think not carrying yourself as an adult is a great attribute even if it also means you are, like I am, basically immature. (I am so immature that last night -- this is embarrassing as well as offensive -- when I found out the shooter in the horrible attack in Monterey Park was 72, the age I'll be in a few months, for a minute I thought, "Wow, someone my age can be a mass murderer just like an 18- or 19-year-old.")
This one really resonates with me! <3