Ask a Sober Oldster #7: Claudia Lonow
"The chubbiness became a problem until I found the perfect way to stay at my goal weight: cocaine."
This monthly interview series is a collaboration between Oldster Magazine and The Small Bow, A.J. Daulerio’s excellent newsletter about recovery and mental health, and will appear in both newsletters. Learn more about this collaboration in this Oldster podcast/videocast episode.
Claudia Lonow: “I grew up in Greenwich Village as an extreme latchkey kid. My mother and stepfather met in acting class at HB Studios. They also did improv in NYC comedy clubs, so I’ve been calling out suggestions for occupations since I was 6.
We moved to LA when I was in high school, and I talked them into letting me audition for stuff, leading me to get a part on the nighttime soap opera, Knots Landing. (I played, Diana, the chubby, loud-mouthed teen daughter of the star of the show). The chubbiness became a problem until I found the perfect way to stay at my goal weight: cocaine. I got sober, started teaching myself how to write, got married, had a baby, left the marriage, moved in with my parents, declared bankruptcy and then somehow finally got my first writing job by creating a TV show called, Rude Awakening, about a former night time soap opera actress who gets sober. It ran 55 episodes on Showtime. I’ve been writing TV ever since and created three other shows.”
How old are you, and how long have you been in recovery?
Do you want to know my weight, too? I’m old, okay? (I'll be 61 next week.) I’ve been sober 38 years.
How did you get there?
I was hanging out at The Improv (my stepfather was a co-owner), in the afternoon with a guy I’d picked up the night before named “Robit.” A bunch of people started coming out of the show room, including a girl I knew. She was sort of my doppelganger. I mean, she was dating a guy I’d gone out with. I asked her what she was doing with those people in the showroom. Was it an acting class? She said it was an AA meeting and she’d just taken a two-year cake. As she left, I thought to myself, “I’ve hung out with her and I’m a lot more fucked up than she is. If she’s an alcoholic, I’ve gotta be one, too.”
After a bunch more months of hooking up with guys with names like “Robit,” I went to that AA meeting. There were cute guys there and people getting laughs. Also, the meeting was in my stepfather’s club. Like, it was right there. But mostly people talked about feeling different than everyone else, and having trouble making friends or something. I’d been bitching about that my whole life. I figured, “Maybe this is the reason.” Anyway, it worked for me.
What are the best things about being in recovery?
Apparently, quitting drinking is good for your skin. Also, alcohol is fattening.
I have a way to deal with life’s problems, and friends who’ve known me a long time to give me support when I need it. I know it’s not for everyone, but it works for me.
What’s hard about being in recovery?
I really miss smoking pot while watching TV. Also, you can get sucked into believing that if things aren’t working for you, it’s because you’re not doing the program “right” or “hard enough.” There are definitely crazy people who will tell you you’re just not “doing it right.” If you’re young, like I was, or insecure, like I was, it takes a while to realize those people aren’t helpful. I had a sponsor who told me, “Stay away from creepy people.” It took me a while to figure that out.
How has your character changed? What's better about you?
I am more forgiving and kinder towards myself and other people.
When I spiral, I know I’m spiraling.
I went to that AA meeting. Mostly people talked about feeling different than everyone else, and having trouble making friends or something. I’d been bitching about that my whole life. I figured, “Maybe this is the reason.”
What do you still need to work on? Can you still be a monster?
I’m not a monster. My worst enemy is myself.
I can become obsessive about “what I’m doing wrong.” Like, I’ll find someone who “has what I want” and then drive myself crazy trying to “do what they do,” and when I can’t, I’ll obsess about what’s wrong with me, etc. I can get obsessed about “what the good people do” and ruminate over why I can’t do that. I mean, I have had severe OCD, panic and anxiety disorder... but it’s much better now.
What’s the best recovery memoir you’ve ever read? Tell us what you liked about it.
I don’t really like recovery memoirs, but I love everything by Carrie Fisher. She’s the reason I thought I could be a writer. I mean, the movie Postcards from the Edge is the best movie in the world.
What are some memorable sober moments?
Early-ish in my recovery, I went to the fancy Friday Night Rodeo meeting. It was a real scene. Soooo fun. But one night I was there and feeling super bummed out. There was this truly hilarious, eccentric woman, an old timer named Linda K. Super long fingernails, lots of makeup, crazy clothes, funny shares… Loved her. Anyway, she asked me how I was doing and I told her I was depressed. She said, “Well, honey, I’d never do this but those old timers would say you should find a newcomer and give her your number.” So I did... I gave it to this young, tweaky girl who looked and sounded exactly like Barbra Streisand.
That night, at around 2am, my phone rang. It was that girl. After the meeting, she’d gone out drinking with her friend and they’d wound up in a car with these two guys and she freaked out and made them let her out of the car. (Her friend stayed). She was on Fairfax... Could I pick her up? I said sure! I called my best AA friend, Doug (super cute, fuck buddy), and told him what was going on. He said to bring her to his place. I picked her up. We stayed up all night with her, finally getting her to admit she had drugs in her purse. We flushed them down the toilet. We took her to the Saturday Artists in Sobriety meeting the next day, then a bunch of us all went out for brunch. She stayed sober.
Are you in therapy? On meds? Tell us about that.
I have done therapy, not currently in it, though.
Re: meds, when I got sober in 1985, in West Hollywood, there weren’t really “meds” like there are now. Also, there was a VERY VERY STRONG anti-meds bias. There was a super crazy dude named “Richard the Poet” who ranted about meds in the Architects of Adversity meetings I went to. When Prozac etc. came out, I knew some people who had very adverse side effects. (Like, suicide). Also, I didn’t want to take something that would make me gain weight or fuck up my orgasms, ya know?
BUT... for a LOT of my sobriety I suffered with persistent thoughts. I tried working the program harder and harder, to no avail. It really hindered my ability to connect at meetings because I felt like I must be doing something wrong. About five years ago, after trying to deal with my thinking with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I thought, “I don’t deserve to feel this way after all the work I’ve done,” and decided to finally see a psychiatrist. He told me about a new medication for OCD called Trintellix that didn’t cause weight gain or mess up your sex life. I started on the lowest dose. He said it’d take about two weeks to work.
One day, I was at home writing, and I felt myself spiraling in the usual way, “I don’t do enough. I don’t work hard enough,” etc. I prayed and started walking around my house, feeling awful and wondering how long it would take to pass. As I was walking down the stairs, I heard a voice in my head say, “I don’t know. It seems like whatever you do, it works for you.” It was so shocking, I literally said out loud, “Where the fuck have YOU been?” I’ve been on the medicine since then and it really helps. I mean, it doesn’t stop me spiraling entirely, but it does help me hear the alternate argument in my head.
What sort of activities or groups do you participate in to help your recovery? (i.e. swimming, 12-step, meditation, et cetera)
I go to Zoom meetings about six times a week. I meditate. I pray. I am on a gratitude email list with my sponsor and her other sponsees.
Are there any questions we haven’t asked you that you think we should add to this? And would you like to answer it?
Nah.
Such a smooth read. I loved especially, the line "Where the fuck have YOU been?" It made me laugh.
I super dig this. I love a salty sober babe.