Ask a Sober Oldster #13: Retired Lawyer Anne Gregory

"I have a note to myself on my fridge that reminds me that I am a capable adult and can and will deal with whatever life is going to throw at me."

This monthly interview series is a collaboration between Oldster Magazine and The Small Bow, A.J. Daulerio’s excellent newsletter about recovery and mental health, and will appear in both newsletters. Learn more about this collaboration in this Oldster podcast/videocast episode.

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Anne Gregory. Illustration by Edith Zimmerman.

My family moved from Vancouver to Ottawa, Ontario when I was 7. My older sister died two months after that move so my childhood ended then when I realized one can just die…disappear. I grew up reading a lot of books my mother felt were too intellectual and adult for me so all my friends were much older than I. I was a vocal feminist before being a feminist was even a thing. I always wanted to be a Minister but being raised by a French Canadian Catholic mother that was not possible. I became a lawyer because I felt I could help my clients get through some of the worst times of their life. I have always detested bullies and injustice.             

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How old are you, and how long have you been in recovery?

I am 66 years old and have been in recovery for 38 years.

How did you get there? 

My first drink was at age 15 when I was hanging around some older kids in my neighborhood. My parents were upset with me but I realized suddenly that I didn’t care what they thought or said to me. That was the magic in my first drink. By age 24, I knew I was an alcoholic. I felt hopeless and powerless to stop drinking. I worked in management in a small town hotel and one night I got very drunk in the bar and said horrible things to my boss. No surprise my employment was terminated! I was mortified by my unjustified bad behavior.

When drinking I knew that I could change into a Boxcar Bertha movie character. I could feel myself changing into that “other.” The very next day I called Bob, the one person I knew who went to AA, and a former convict who had approached me days before about the hotel hiring former inmates. Bob became my first AA sponsor and started taking me to meetings.

I fell in love with the program and the amazing loving people in those meetings. My family came to many of my anniversaries, bowled over by the love and encouragement they felt. AA made me feel I belonged. As they say now, I found my people. When I separated from my first husband, I started drinking again. It took me four years to get sober again. Relapsing taught me I am not as smart as I think I am! Over the years I have lost friends that drank again and died out there. So to me sobriety is a gift I cannot take for granted.               

I was fortunate to practice law as a litigator for 29 years (despite my significant hearing loss) and be able to share my AA story at times with clients if they seemed to be struggling with their drinking. I have never hesitated to share my story about starting university at age 24 or how I got sober in AA, if I thought it might help people. It has been emotional for me when people have gone to college or university after hearing of my journey and like me, stayed sober.     

What are the best things about being in recovery?

The best things are not feeling ashamed, not having a hangover and not thinking about  suicide. Because I was able to get sober with AA’s support and the friendships I found within those meetings, I was able to attend university for seven years and get my B.A. Honors and my law degree. When I went to my first graduation ceremony, my sister came with me to pick up my graduation gown and hat and my number in the graduation line-up. The woman who gave me my gown and hat told me I had won two academic awards. I told her she must be wrong and made her check again twice. When she confirmed I was an award recipient, I burst into tears. Why? Because I knew the depths of despair my alcoholism had taken me to and all the years I had no hope.

I was fortunate to practice law as a litigator for 29 years (despite my significant hearing loss) and be able to share my AA story at times with clients if they seemed to be struggling with their drinking. I have never hesitated to share my story about starting university at age 24 or how I got sober, if I thought it might help people. It has been emotional for me when people have gone to college or university after hearing of my journey and like me, stayed sober.     

The best thing about being in recovery: I am still sober and alive! AA hardwired gratitude into me. I owe my life to the people in those meetings.                

Anne Gregory at 36. “The painting was made by Robert Heindman when he was 80 and still very handsome and charming, so much so my husband never left the room during my three sittings. Robert (Bob) did the painting as a wedding present. He was teaching portraiture at that time at the Ottawa School of Art. He was an official War Artist in Canada during WWII and a serving flight Lieutenant. He painted me when I was wearing a slip…I did not have any evening gown.

What’s hard about being in recovery?

The only thing that is hard about being in recovery for me is when new people in my life worry I may start drinking again. This irritates me to no end and I have had to let people go if they cannot let go of this fear. My reality is I simply no longer think about drinking again because my past experience has proven to me I can never drink again. I am  most certainly allergic to alcohol.                

I need to work daily on acceptance of my widowhood, my age and a few health challenges. Doing things by myself has been a challenge, especially now that I am looking at moving to a new city, selling my home and looking for another home. It is the first time in my life I don’t have a husband to go through these things with me. So I am working on trying to feel and act like a grownup. Who would think I would not feel like a grownup at age 66?

How has your character changed? What's better about you?

Everything is better! When I was drinking you might have described me as being a “character,” arrogant, vengeful, somewhat immoral, unreliable, and selfish. Sobriety has allowed me to be my best self most of the time. For 38 years now I have been trustworthy, reliable, a good friend and family member, a good dog owner, financially responsible (trips to Winners aside), a good worker (I work part-time researching, writing and editing) and a grateful sober person who likes to laugh and make people laugh. Being sober has allowed me to have an amazing relationship with a God of my understanding which brings light into my life whenever I need it most (ie. when I ask my higher power for help). AA taught me that “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.” I can only work on changing myself and accepting what I cannot change, like some health problems I am pretty much stuck with, and the sudden loss of my husband in 2017.              

What do you still need to work on? Can you still be a monster?

No. I am not still a monster and do not allow any monsters around me!

Sometimes I get angry about what is happening in the world, like wars, people being uncivil, politics and the media going to the dogs, climate change, inflation making it hard for all people to have a decent life with accommodation and enough food and good economic prospects. But I have learned I cannot indulge my anger. It is not good for my mental health. I feel it but cannot afford to keep it! I have to let the anger go! If I keep the anger and ruminate on it, it will be like poison to me.  I have learned it is ok to have to let a friend go, that not all friendships last forever or are good for us.

I need to work daily on acceptance of my widowhood, my age (I feel 36 inside) and a few health challenges. Doing things by myself has been a challenge, especially now that I am looking at moving to a new city, selling my home and looking for another home. It is the first time in my life I don’t have a husband to go through these things with me. So I am working on trying to feel and act like a grownup. Who would think I would not feel like a grownup at age 66? I feel silly admitting this, but surely I cannot be alone! I have a note to myself on my fridge that reminds me that I am a capable adult and can and will deal with whatever life is going to throw at me. At times I admit I also pray like hell for courage and strength — my SOS to the Universe.                     

What’s the best recovery memoir you’ve ever read? Tell us what you liked about it.

All of the stories in AA’s Big Book speak to me in one way or another, and at times I have reread them. I appreciated the honesty, the willingness of the members to put themselves out there and be vulnerable.

Anne Gregory at 66.

What are some memorable sober moments? 

My first AA birthday with my family members in attendance. Getting those two academic awards and my two degrees. Getting all those hugs from my AA friends at meetings.

At my earliest AA meetings, I normally wore my skin tight leather pants and when guys came to shake my hand or hug me, I would smile and say, “I’m here to get sober, not laid.”  Some people were taken aback. I was not trying to be shocking or unfriendly, I was just very serious about getting and staying sober. I knew my life depended on getting and staying sober.        

At my earliest AA meetings, I normally wore my skin tight leather pants and when guys came to shake my hand or hug me, I would smile and say, “I’m here to get sober, not laid.”  Some people were taken aback. I was not trying to be shocking or unfriendly, I was just very serious about getting and staying sober. I knew my life depended on getting and staying sober.   

Are you in therapy? On meds? Tell us about that.

I had lots of therapy over the years, enough to know there are good and bad therapists. The best therapist I ever had, had a reputation for helping treat PTSD, depression and anxiety in military veterans. While I never served in the military, he took me on and was the best therapist ever. I think of him often and am just so grateful he was so good at his job. He was the only therapist who actually helped me. I was even able to get off the medications I was taking for depression and anxiety. I still deal with my PTSD, but I know my triggers and am careful to make sure my PTSD does not influence my important decisions!        

What sort of activities or groups do you participate in to help your recovery? (i.e. swimming, 12-step, meditation, et cetera)

I still read the Big Book at times. I often pray to a higher power of my understanding. I pray for acceptance of His Will for me and for emotional resilience. I am immuno-compromised (I lost my spleen) so since Covid I have been unable to attend or speak at meetings. But I can see individual AA friends one on one when I can wear an N95 mask, or without a mask on a patio in the summer. Wearing a mask is a bummer even if I accept it is necessary for me. In July, I am taking five courses in Transcendental Meditation from a fellow I grew up with.  I expect TM to help me sleep better and to generally feel more relaxed.

Are there any questions we haven’t asked you that you think we should add to this? And would you like to answer it?

Only one. When I came into AA, everyone in my home group said don’t get into a romantic or sexual relationship until you have been sober for two years. I listened to that and think it is good advice for a whole bunch of reasons since being sober over time changes you. You might be surprised after two years just how much you have changed and what you are looking for in a relationship or even a friendship has changed over time. I had so much work to do on myself in those first two years and I did change. I had to get to know myself all over again in sobriety.  

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With thanks, as always, to A.J. Daulerio and

Edith Zimmerman

at

The Small Bow

for the collaboration. Check out the whole Sober Oldster series.