This is (Anticipating) 60: Book Maven Bethanne Patrick Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I overcame a serious form of mental illness, double depression, and proper treatment and self care have given me a new lease on life and a new ability to create."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, “book maven” and memoirist Bethann Patrick responds. -Sari Botton

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BETHANNE PATRICK maintains a storied place in the publishing industry as a critic and as @TheBookMaven on Twitter, where she created the popular #FridayReads and regularly comments on books and literary ideas to over 200K followers. Her work appears frequently in the Los Angeles Times as well as at The Washington Post, NPR Books, and Literary Hub. She sits on the board of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation and has served on the board of the National Book Critics Circle. She is the host of the Missing Pages podcast. She is the author of the memoir Life B: Overcoming Double Depression, out Tuesday, 5/16 from Counterpoint Press.

How old are you?

59; 60 on September 1, 2023.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

There are several. I’m still me at 17, excited about heading away to college; me at 29, pregnant with our first child; me at 40, getting a big job. I’m still me at 20, after a traumatic #metoo moment; me at 36, feeling alienated from my military-spouse surroundings; me at 52, finding out I had a mental illness I’d never heard of before that time.

I’ve had low self esteem, but never a poor sense of self. I think I can mention so many different ages because I have never let go of the person I’ve been all along. Friends often say, “You never change,” and it isn’t because I don’t age as we all do; it’s because I have somehow retained my essential personality. Or do I mean something else? Hmmm.

The author at 19, in 1983, posing for the “obligatory college arty photo.”

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I feel quite young for my age, not necessarily physically (although my overall health is remarkably great for a person who is not big into fitness!), but definitely psychically. I work with people whose ages range from mid-20s to mid-70s. I have adult daughters who actually love spending time with me and my husband, and vice versa. I have a living parent and living in-laws, friends of many different ages, and I love being engaged with my students at American University and seeing what their obsessions are. As a teenager and 20something I had a lot of older friends, people two and three decades my senior; I thought that was great, and now I think it’s great to BE that older friend to younger people. Although somehow I never think of myself as an “elder,” more as a friend.

What do you like about being your age?

So much more than I could have imagined!

First, when I travel? I don’t have to stay in youth hostels or worry about budgeting for share rides.

Second, re: those aforementioned periods of low self esteem: I never, ever felt beautiful until I decided to let my hair grow gray naturally starting in 2018. Five years later, I have long, long graying locks and they make me feel real and authentic and gorgeous. The look works for me and, combined with a lot of work and growth, helps me feel truly beautiful. FEEL truly beautiful. I am probably NOT beautiful, and if I am, that’s a side benefit. It’s the internal feeling of beauty that matters.

Third, I put this saying in my book’s acknowledgements, about a specific person, but it applies to all of us: “You haven’t yet met all of the people who are going to love you.” I can’t remember who said it or where I first heard it (no doubt somewhere on social media!). The joys of long-lasting AND new friendships and acquaintances in middle age and late middle age are real. You know yourself much more fully and you make friendships based on that knowledge, instead of proximity or taste or neediness.

As a teenager and 20something I had a lot of older friends, people two and three decades my senior; I thought that was great, and now I think it’s great to BE that older friend to younger people. Although somehow I never think of myself as an “elder,” more as a friend.

What is difficult about being your age?

Two words: COLONSCOPY PREP.

But only the prep! The actual procedure is a doddle. Go get ALL the screenings, on time, whenever necessary.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

Most of our friends are either retired early, retiring early, or eagerly awaiting retirement. Some of them actually live in and love those retirement communities...

NOT for me. Probably never for me. I’m living a backwards life: When my peers were moving into Manhattan apartments with multiple roommates, I got married and moved to another country with an apartment too big for just two people. Now that everyone is downsizing, I’m living in a house too big for just two people – and working more and harder than ever before and I LOVE IT. I love every minute of it. I’m reviewing, and writing, and reporting, and publishing, and podcasting, and teaching, and I’ll keep doing as much as I can as long as I can.

I overcame a serious form of mental illness, double depression, and proper treatment and self care have given me a new lease on life and a new ability to create. If and when I retire (and my husband will, but perhaps not for another decade), it might be to an apartment in Manhattan. Backwards life!

At 2, in 1965, with her beloved toy dog, Archie.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging is a privilege. You will never convince me otherwise. I have too many loved ones who have left our world too soon. And I have considered, seriously, leaving this world by my own choice. I’m grateful I did not. I’m grateful that I can be here to keep learning, loving, and being present for everyday joys and sorrows.

A bit more narrowly: Aging, for writers, is a gift. It allows us to see things differently. It allows us to experience more and to learn more from others.

As to what aging has taken away from me, youthful knees. The snow and ice of my childhood that allowed so much skiing and sledding and ice skating. (Thanks, climate change. Not!) The ability to tolerate more than two cocktails in an evening (that’s probably a good thing).

I have too many loved ones who have left our world too soon. And I have considered, seriously, leaving this world by my own choice. I’m grateful I did not. I’m grateful that I can be here to keep learning, loving, and being present for everyday joys and sorrows.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I might have answered this in a previous question, but I’ll expand: For me, getting older has given me more stability in my identity and so much more joy in my sense of self, in what I can give to others, especially. I’ve FINALLY learned to ask for help when I need it because I value myself and believe that getting help allows me to do more, instead of believing it diminishes me. I would say my sense of self and identity have never been stronger. That makes me want to learn about others!

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

See “my backwards life.” I’d like to live in New York City, even just for a year! I missed that 20something time (although I did get to live in Berlin then. . . ). I’d like to finish my PhD, yes, even at this belated age. I’d like to do a lot more traveling. Our older daughter is currently spending six weeks in Asia and her experiences look incredible (Thailand, Japan, now Korea. . . ). As Liz Lemon says, I want to go to there!

Milestones I’m looking forward to: My husband’s eventual retirement, so we might make some of those travels together — although I’ll certainly be making some on my own, too. A grandchild or two? Dare I hope? Not rushing anyone but I do think becoming a grandparent is very cool. Intentionally making more time for friends.

Let’s not forget: WRITING. Aging is giving me more space and discipline for writing. My 2021 VCCA residency has inspired me to start looking for new places to apply.

Preorder Bethanne Patrick’s memoir.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

My late 50s have been my favorite age, and not just because of my medical diagnosis. At 54 I started yoga. At 58 I began meditating every day. Who knows what will come next?

I always thought that by this age blahblahblah I would be publishing fiction. Guess what? I’m publishing a memoir, and it’s quite raw and vulnerable. I might wind up doing a lot of speaking and activism around mental health awareness in the next few years — and my current book-proposal-in-progress has to do with mental health in its way, too.

No way would I like to go back, not unless I could change a few things. And we’ve all watched and read enough stories about what happens when you change things…

My late 50s have been my favorite age, and not just because of my medical diagnosis. At 54 I started yoga. At 58 I began meditating every day. Who knows what will come next?

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

“Crone Idol” is the reality show I’m here for. (Thank you, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, for your new show about women over 70, and please please give an interview to Sari!) (Ed. note: Thanks, Bethanne! 🙏 Fingers crossed. 🤞) My first and forever older role model was Julia Child, because I started watching her PBS show as a child in the 1960s. I went to Smith, and she is a goddess there; I even got to meet her when she planned the food for a college president’s inauguration. I then cooked my way (haphazardly; there will be no “Bethanne and Julia” blog or book or movie) through Mastering I & II and most of her other books while we lived overseas and then were in grad school. I’ve never stopped reading her books or books about her, and in 2016 I had the opportunity to spend a week at a writing retreat in Plascassier, where the Childs had a house they called “La Pitchoune.”

Maybe I need to write an essay about Julia Child.

Anyway, Julia Child was never afraid to start again. Her resilience and determination inspire me.

Penelope Fitzgerald inspires me; she published ALL of her great great fiction between the ages of 60 and 74. (Another Smith shoutout: When I cycled off the Library Board, a bookplate honoring my service was placed in Hermione Lee’s biography of Fitzgerald.)

Joan Baez, another early icon (my mother loved everything about her), inspires me with her embrace of physical aging without sacrificing her personal panache, her commitment to activism, and her incredibly artistry.

Left, at 30 with her first baby. Right, at 26 in 1989, skiing in Garmisch, Germany.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

Speaking of style! I now wear Lucchese western boots everywhere, all the time. They’re all black and they’re super comfortable and I always feel stylish and grounded when wearing them. My mom bought me a little zip case that says “I Can Do Anything in My Cowboy Boots” and it’s true.

My increasing comfort with my looks does NOT always extend to my weight and shape, but I refuse to let my neuroses about those ruin my life and experiences. I’ve learned what works for me in different situations. I’ll never run around in a slip dress and stilettos, but did I ever really want to? As my colleague Wendi Aarons titled her hilarious book (go buy it!), “I’m Wearing Tunics, Now.” Tunics are flattering, comfortable, versatile, all that and a bag of chips.

Beauty-wise, oh how I love beauty products at all price ranges and of all kinds. I am a slut for cosmetics and skincare and I won’t apologize. Becoming a beauty influencer could even be a third career for me. I watch YouTube videos of older women, younger women, drag queens, trans men. I troll the web for reviews of Merit (I am not as blown away as I thought I would be), Glossier (possiblities!), and the gold standard, Clé de Peau concealer. But also: Vegan beauty. Cruelty-free beauty. K-Beauty! I’m taking better care of my skin than ever. It helps that I’ve avoided the sun a lot but if you don’t have a giant tube of La Roche-Posay Anthelios sun screen on you at all time what are you doing with your life? Also: Dr. Hauschka lip balm (NOT vegan; beeswax) is a lifesaver.

Healthwise: Above I talked about screenings. Recently, due to a meds change, I went through a full heart workup. EKG, stress test, echocardiogram, home BP monitor. I am not trying to brag by saying my heart is 100% well. My BP is 113/57! Yes, I am overweight, but I am neither diabetic NOR prediabetic. My doctors are confused. But I am continuing to exercise, eat a balanced diet (which includes wine and chocolate), and meditate. I have many friends with many issues and it is a crapshoot so I’m just enjoying this good health while I have it, not congratulating myself on anything.

Julia Child was never afraid to start again. Her resilience and determination inspire me.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

Dying my hair! And cosmetic surgery. I mean, you do you, but I’m with Justine Bateman and all our other natural skin-and-muscle pals. I want a future grandchild (or just someone else’s grandchild!) to see my real face and real emotions, not look up at Grandma Jocelyn Wildenstein.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

With vigor! I had some big plans with college friends this summer that, alas, are not working out for me. But on the day I turn 6-0 I will be doing all kinds of indulgent things, from pastries for breakfast to a swank lunch to opening gifts to dinner, with at least my spouse and maybe friends and other family members, too. What more can anyone ask for than love and friendship and health? Plus said spouse and I will celebrate our big 60^th birthdays together in October on a European river cruise. So I guess you can ask for more! Carpe diem. Carpe Oldster life. I am so grateful. Namaste, Sari. (Ed. note: 💝)