From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, author, translator, and literary critic Jenny Bhatt responds. - Sari Botton

Subscribe now

How old are you?

I will be 50 this year.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?

Some days, I have to summon the energy of that earnest 19-year-old Jenny who left India to go to the UK for an engineering degree while holding down two part-time jobs and making sure her grades stayed good enough for her parents to not haul her back to India for an arranged marriage. Sometimes, I need to draw on the reserves of that 30-year-old, full-of-ideals Jenny who was working her ass off doing fourteen-hour days in rural, very-white, very Bible-belt Michigan, hoping her company would sponsor her green card so she could just feel like she belonged somewhere. And sometimes, I need to remind myself of that take-no-prisoners 40-year-old Jenny who decided she’d taken enough shit for a lifetime from corporate America and was going to hack her own path to doing what mattered to her. All of these selves matter because they’ve made me the person I am today.

I’m ever-aware of how that path ahead is getting shorter than the path I’m leaving behind. Which also really helps with prioritization, actually.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I’ve always felt older for my age. Even when I was a child growing up in India. In general, I believe some of my women friends are also the same as me. But I also think we get these intellectual and emotional growth spurts because of certain life experiences. As we encounter more bumps on the road, more metaphorical years get added to our lives, right? This has never bothered me. I’ll worry if my body starts to feel older than my age.

What do you like about being your age?

The best part of being *50 is the blazing clarity I have about what I need to be doing with the rest of my life. (*I turn 50 on Sep 18, which is only three months away, so I just say 50 when people ask my age these days.) I may not always have perfect execution or even results with how I go about my mission, but at least I’m not dealing with that paralyzing sense of confusion of groping in the dark that I had in my twenties and part of my thirties.

And there’s also the fact of having no more fucks left to give. I just don’t care anymore how people, near or far, value me or my contributions. I know what matters to me, how I want to respond to the world, and I respect what I can and cannot accomplish.

What is difficult about being your age?

The hardest thing is that the clarity I mentioned above came to me in my forties after I gave up my corporate career. So I sometimes feel like I’m playing catchup with all that I’d like to do. There are new skills, new adventures, new experiences I want that I didn’t allow myself or that weren’t available to me during my working years. But it’s all good because it fuels the fire.

Also, while I’m thrilled to see and support younger versions of myself making progress in this publishing world, I’m often reminded how that didn’t exist when I was warily testing the waters in my twenties and thirties and even part of my forties. Now, when I’m a better, more confident writer and know what I’m about, I’m coming up against the ageism wall. As you well know, it’s an implicit, deeply-entrenched bias and it’s reinforced everywhere even by well-meaning people. I’ve had publishing industry insiders share how the younger generation of agents and editors are mostly interested in topics that they can “relate to” so, unless your work speaks to their particular preoccupations, you’re not going to get too far.

For me, it feels like at least a triple-whammy because the ever-present racism, sexism, and classism I’ve encountered most of my life are now multiplied or compounded by ageism. Even though we all know that skills and talents are accrued and developed over time and through actual experiences. But, again, the benefit of being older is that you know what matters most to you and it’s easier to let go of the shit that doesn’t.

I have a much better understanding now of how much privilege (of color, race, gender, class, caste, etc.) plays a strong part in one’s life trajectory. I wish I’d known some of this in my younger years so I wouldn’t have beaten myself up or spun my wheels so much.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

That I’m more feisty at 50 than I’ve ever been in my life. I’d thought I’d slow down as I get older and just settle down to enjoy the fruits of my labors. I didn’t know about this fire or that I’d be hustling harder than ever. It’s a different kind of hustle, for sure, because I’m able to run along my path and toss away any crap I don’t care for. In my younger years, I’d be running along carrying all my crap and whatever other people tossed into my arms as well. It got too tiring too quickly, let me tell you. This is way better. I don’t put negative energy out there and I keep away from other people’s negative energy or toxicity too.

But I’m ever-aware of how that path ahead is getting shorter than the path I’m leaving behind. Which also really helps with prioritization, actually.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Age has brought that blazing clarity I mentioned earlier. I realize that it’s because of all the good, bad, and ugly life experiences so far. And I’m glad it’s helped me get rid of that innocent idealism I had when younger. I have a much better understanding now of how much privilege (of color, race, gender, class, caste, etc.) plays a strong part in one’s life trajectory. I wish I’d known some of this in my younger years so I wouldn’t have beaten myself up or spun my wheels so much.

I married at 48 instead of the usual, expected age. And it was also just when the pandemic hit. So it was a ten-minute event with a justice of the peace, a photographer, and our dog. I’d love to re-do that, low-key but with more meaning, sometime.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I appreciate myself more. I don’t beat myself up. I’m comfortable with all the different coexisting parts of myself: older woman, writer, translator, editor, teacher, person of color, wife. I’m a better decision-maker now because I understand any inner conflict as a sign to pause and do more research or thinking. And I apologize less now but still need to work on this.

Getting older has also meant being more purposeful and mission-driven. I’ve never been the one yelling and shaking my fists from the front lines (of course, these days, it’s all from social media accounts) but I’m even more at ease now with my own brand of literary activism and doing what I believe to make my little corner of the world better. I wrote about this in 2018 at The Millions: ‘But Let Us Cultivate Our Garden’. I see my work at Desi Books as literary activism. My translation work is a mode of recovery, reclamation, and cultural intervention. I teach creative writing but outside the traditional MFA system and that’s intentional too.

Bhatt’s latest work, a translation of Dhumketu’s *The Shehnai Virtuoso*, will be published on Tuesday, July 26th. Preorder it.

A couple more things about that ever-shifting sense of identity. I see how writers need to have some kind of public identity because readers want to feel like they know you as a person. And that’s cool. But social media = public performance. And I’ve always had a strong sense of personal boundaries. So I have this thing where, before posting something, I’ll do a quick mental check: “What if this is the last thing I share in public? Am I comfortable with this being the last thing people hear or see from me?” If not, forget it. I’m also careful about how much time I spend on social media and what I pay attention to there. We become what we give our attention to. Similarly, I’m mindful about the language I use to describe myself or my emotions or thoughts. Our self-narratives are self-fulfilling, don’t you think?

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

There are places I visited during my corporate years during work-related trips. But I’d breeze through quickly due to lack of time. I’d like to travel the world a bit more and just take my time in each new place.

I married at 48 instead of the usual, expected age. And it was also just when the pandemic hit. So it was a ten-minute event with a justice of the peace, a photographer, and our dog. I’d love to re-do that, low-key but with more meaning, sometime.

I refuse to believe that you’re “too old” for anything. Unless your body is telling you to slow down (in which case, pay attention and do something), you’re not “too old” for any damn thing.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

Now. Now is my favorite age to be right now. I’m thankful for all the other life milestones and experiences because they’ve made me the person I am now. But I don’t want to go back to any age. I just want to live this age now the best that I can.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

This might sound weird but I don’t have any particular aging idol. I don’t see a woman of color who had a path similar to mine and accomplished what I’m working to do. And that’s perfectly fine. I’m way more interested in exploring how I can evolve and grow with the resources I’ve earned, gained, and created.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

Less makeup. Natural gray hair. Healthier meals. More treadmill time. Beyond that, I don’t know that I’ve made any notable changes in terms of style, beauty, or health.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I refuse to believe that you’re “too old” for anything. Unless your body is telling you to slow down (in which case, pay attention and do something), you’re not “too old” for any damn thing. You want to post near-naked selfies on Instagram? Do it. You want to start a whole new career? Have at it. You want to move to another country with a 20-year-old? Go for it. Life is not long enough for us to let others decide what we’re “too old” for. No one gets to decide that for me.

I’m comfortable with all the different coexisting parts of myself: older woman, writer, translator, editor, teacher, person of color, wife.

And I refuse to accept that we can only be one kind of person our entire lives or pursue only one path. Most of us are multi-potentialites even if we may not always realize it. The real question is how much we’re willing to give up and what we’ll work to hold on to. If we have certain life privileges, those kinds of choices are easier, of course. Otherwise, it can take longer, with steeper learning curves and more sacrifices.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I mean, celebrate or not, it’s your call if/when/how. For me, anytime a few of the things I love come together, it’s a celebration of life. So, a birthday with my husband + our dog + a quiet beach + a good book + some lovely music + a well-prepared meal = heaven on earth.

Jenny Bhatt is a writer, literary translator, and book critic. She is the founder of Desi Books, a global forum that showcases South Asian literature from the world over. And she teaches creative writing at Writing Workshops Dallas and the PEN America Emerging Voices Fellowship Program. Her 2020 story collection, Each of Us Killers: Stories won a 2020 Foreword INDIES award in the Short Stories category and was a finalist in the Multicultural Adult Fiction category. Her 2020 literary translation, Ratno Dholi: Dhumketu’s Best Short Stories was shortlisted for the 2021 PFC-VoW Book Awards for English Translation from Regional Languages. One of her short stories was included in The Best American Mystery and Suspense 2021. Her nonfiction has been published in various venues including NPR, The Washington Post, BBC Culture, The Atlantic, Publishers Weekly, Dallas Morning News, Literary Hub, Poets & Writers, Los Angeles Review of Books, The Star Tribune, and more. The US version of her Dhumketu translation, The Shehnai Virtuoso and Other Stories, will be out in July 2022. Find her at https://jennybhattwriter.com. Sign up for her popular, free, weekly newsletter, We Are All Translators.

Share

Oldster Magazine

This is (Almost) 50: Jenny Bhatt Responds to…