This is 80: Psychotherapist and Poet Jane Seskin Responds to the Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I will not apologize for being old."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, poet and psychotherapist Jane Seskin responds. -Sari Botton

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Jane Seskin is a psychotherapist and author. For 20 years she provided individual and group counseling to survivors of violent crimes at the Crime Victims Treatment Center. Her most recent book (#13) is the poetry collection, Older Wiser Shorter: The Truth and Humor of Life After 65. She’s been published in more than 40 publications and nominated for a Pushcart Prize.

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How old are you?

80

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?

As my poem SEESAW reads:

SEESAW
Many times
during a day

the number I am
may not be

the age
I inhabit       

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

Great question! And difficult to answer. Catch me when I’ve walked to and from the Farmer’s Market and my back and right knee scream my age. I’m disappointed I no longer march for causes I believe in. Now I make donations. I am older, but I rode a bike in my 70’s so go figure. I think my head is willing and my body is following along as best it can. Truth is the number varies according to the day, the activity and my desire. I take it as it comes.

Catch me when I’ve walked to and from the Farmer’s Market and my back and right knee scream my age. I’m disappointed I no longer march for causes I believe in. Now I make donations. I am older, but I rode a bike in my 70’s so go figure. I think my head is willing and my body is following along as best it can.

What do you like being your age?

I’m delighted to be this age when you consider the alternative. And grateful to be writing my life as a witness to my days. I have a new feeling of permission, of listening to myself. I stop reading the book that’s boring. I don’t eat food I’m not enjoying. I’ve learned what comforts me when the sky is falling: a walk to the river, music from the Vitamin String Quartet, mysteries by Louise Penny, a talk with a friend, wearing patterned socks that make me happy when I look down. There is a new awareness of time — that life is uncertain, and how precious the moments are. And yes, I’m quite relieved when someone gives me their seat on the bus!

Jane Seskin as a high school senior.

What is difficult about being your age?

This is the year my fingers betrayed me with arthritis. I do my exercises every morning and evening, but the pain continues. I’ve had a cortisone shot and continue writing or using the computer but I no longer deny there is difficulty.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

In my 30s I wrote two books on aging: Alone Not Lonely: Independent Living for Women Over 50 and More Than Mere Survival: Conversations With Women Over 65. I don’t remember at that time having conversations with friends about getting older. I wanted information on how best to grow old and the women I met were my mentors. I think I was in preparation for today. I have always believed you do the best you can, enjoy the moments and cherish the people in your life.

I have a new feeling of permission, of listening to myself. I stop reading the book that’s boring. I don’t eat food I’m not enjoying. I’ve learned what comforts me when the sky is falling: a walk to the river, music from the Vitamin String Quartet, mysteries by Louise Penny, a talk with a friend, wearing patterned socks that make me happy when I look down.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

I have become more physically vulnerable as I age. My learning has been to share these feelings with others and to ask for help when I need it. That has never come easy for me, and I reframe the ask in my mind as a positive step in continued growth.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

Getting older has given me a sense of gravitas. I come with a rich history of personal examination. I have ideas to offer and I don’t hesitate to plunge right in. And yet… I also recognize my boundaries have loosened. I burst into show tunes walking on the street with a friend. I call out to a woman on the corner: “Love your shoes!” I start conversations with people on the bus. I find I’m more thoughtful as well as enjoying a grand sense of playfulness.

Seskin, right, with her late husband in 1966.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed” and try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I’ve missed a long-term relationship with a man after I was widowed at a young age. In my poem ARRANGEMENT I explore a different set of expectations :

ARRANGEMENT
Most of the time
I'm in love
with my single life
which is not to say
I don't have room
to be in love
with a good man,
but this time around
I think I'd just like
custody,
say Wednesday
evenings
and every other
weekend.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

I think my 60’s was a good decade. Semi-retired. Returned to writing with a new attention and determination. Was a writer-in-residence. With more time to spend with others, there has been a depth to sharing of lives, which has created a richer intimacy with friends.

I have ideas to offer and I don’t hesitate to plunge right in. And yet… I also recognize my boundaries have loosened. I burst into show tunes walking on the street with a friend. I call out to a woman on the corner: “Love your shoes!” I start conversations with people on the bus. I find I’m more thoughtful as well as enjoying a grand sense of playfulness.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

I looked to two older friends (by 6 and 7 years) who are now deceased, who provided an honest road map of continuous learning, doing service, and engaging with whatever life brought. They enthusiastically supported my poetry. And oh, how they encouraged laughter!

Seskin as a young girl.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I realize I can only plan 1-2 activities a day when I used to do more. This learning has come as something of a shock - to recognize I am tired during the day. There are periods of time when I plan nothing. I am very conscious of my health and make sure I leave the house each day, even if it’s just to walk around the block. Style-wise, beauty-wise, up for grabs – I loved my curly hair that was once streaked blonde and now is salt and pepper. I’m enjoying it. A man I was once involved with called my style bohemian chic. That’s probably a carryover from living in Berkely in the sixties! And I’m fine with that.

Order the book…

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

VOW
I WILL
not apologize 
for
being old.

I looked to two older friends (by 6 and 7 years) who are now deceased, who provided an honest road map of continuous learning, doing service, and engaging with whatever life brought. They enthusiastically supported my poetry. And oh, how they encouraged laughter!

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I am grateful for my life each day and absolutely punctuate birthdays! I celebrate all of them! With special attention to the ones with an ought – the beginning of a new decade. This last birthday when I became 80 (I still find it hard to believe!) I had numerous birthday lunches with Dear Friends that bookended 2 weeks! I also took a pedicab that day. I continue to be up for an adventure. For my 70^th birthday I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge with a friend. What great fun!