This is 74: Author Ruth Pennebaker Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I’m from Austin and I love country music — a genre that teems with fabulous oldsters. Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, and Ray Wylie Hubbard all make me proud to be old."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, author Ruth Pennebaker responds. -Sari Botton

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Ruth Pennebaker staring down her “nemesis,” aka broccoli.

Ruth Pennebaker is an Austin, Texas-based writer whose work has appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and Texas Monthly. She's also the author of four novels, a former columnist for the Dallas Morning News and the Texas Observer, and a former commentator for public radio. She and artist/cartoonist Marian Henley collaborate on the Instagram project @Bluehourdames, which is about aging, and the book Pucker Up!: The Subversive Women’s Guide to Aging. She's a feminist, wife, mother of two, and grandmother of four. The Texas DPS threw her out of Wendy Davis’ legendary fillibuster in the Texas State Senate, a fact she would like prominently mentioned in her obituary.

How old are you?

74. A year older than my mother was when she died.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

I vaguely think of myself as older middle-aged. Late 50s, say.

Why? As I’ve aged, I’ve felt freer and more comfortable in the world.

(Truth is, I was pretty wretched when I was young — achingly shy and awkward. That’s why I fear waking up back in high school more than I do the crematorium.)

At this age, I’m not sure I’m interested in being in step with my peers or anybody else. Can’t we stop comparing ourselves now?

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

At this age, I’m not sure I’m interested in being in step with my peers or anybody else. Can’t we stop comparing ourselves now?

Otherwise, I’m not sure I know how to answer this question. What does it feel like to be 74, anyway? Owing to ageism, most of us have pretty low expectations about growing older. So it’s a surprise to be 74 and feel pretty good, curious about the world, engaged in life. But maybe, if you’re fortunate, this is exactly what 74 should feel like.

My mother, who died at 73 of a neurological disease with shifting diagnoses, wasn’t fortunate. Born in 1924, she came from a generation that I believe was especially cruel to women — sending them into the workplace during World War II while the men were abroad, then pushing them back into mind-numbing domesticity when the war was over. She spent most of her life searching for something more and being deeply depressed. In some ways, her final illness may have been a relief to her.

What do you like about being your age?

I like many things about being my age. I no longer take every little side glance or slight personally. There’s something so freeing in finally figuring out you’re not the center of the universe, that there’s an immense world out there. I love my relationship with my husband as we age together, with our grown daughter and son, with our four grandchildren. There’s something about being a grandparent that reminds you you’re a link in the human continuum — vital, but just part of a vast procession across the millennia.

Pennebaker, lower left, at 15, with her mother, right, and younger sister Ellen, top.

What is difficult about being your age?

The losses are hard: friends and family sicken and die. Whole generations — like my parents’ Great Depression and WWII generation — vanish. They had always been with us and somehow, we thought they’d always be there.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

Again, we have all been indoctrinated by ageism. I thought I’d be miserable and bitter, that I’d hate being old. But I feel content — and the research bears this out, showing that oldsters are happier than younger generations.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging has given me perspective a/k/a wisdom, more leisure time, fewer responsibilities, a fondness for naps, toe drift, itchy scalp, a body that stubbornly rearranges itself without my permission. It’s taken away energy — dammit! — and ambition. After a lifetime of being driven, I think I’ve gone through a menopause of ambition.

We have all been indoctrinated by ageism. I thought I’d be miserable and bitter, that I’d hate being old. But I feel content — and the research bears this out, showing that oldsters are happier than younger generations.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

Like most people, I often forget how old I am. But I’m brought back to reality when some idiot waiter calls me “young lady” or somebody looks right through me. I realize then how I appear to the rest of the (younger) world. Sometimes it’s amusing, sometimes it’s jarring. P.S. Any smirking young server who calls me “young lady” will be talked to and tipped accordingly.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

Because I was seriously ill when I was 45 — with stage 2B breast cancer, undergoing a bilateral mastectomy, chemo, and radiation — I thought I would die in that decade. So, I think I developed a different set of aging milestones. In two more years, I’ll celebrate my 30^th anniversary of survival. Thirty bonus years! Bring on the cake and champagne! I’ve been unbelievably fortunate.

Pennebaker at 29.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

When we were 59, my husband took a sabbatical and we spent a year in New York. He and I both worked part-time and had fun full-time, exploring the city, eating out, going to plays, concerts, museums. It was easily one of the best years of our lives.

But no, I wouldn’t go back to that time. I’ve been there. I loved it. But it’s over.

Because I was seriously ill when I was 45 — with stage 2B breast cancer, undergoing a bilateral mastectomy, chemo, and radiation — I thought I would die in that decade. So, I think I developed a different set of aging milestones.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

I’m from Austin and I love country music — a genre that teems with fabulous oldsters. Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, and Ray Wylie Hubbard all make me proud to be old.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I try to eat better, even though my preferred diet would be ice cream and carbohydrates. I also exercise all the damned time — even weight-lifting, which I’ve always loathed. But it makes me feel better, builds my bones and gives me a self-satisfied glow.

Order the book.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I refuse to stop swearing. Sometimes, when servers or medical personnel speak to me in syrupy, sing-song voices, asking how “we” are doing today, I simply have to drop the f-bomb. Believe me, nobody talks to you in a sing-song voice after you’ve dropped the f-bomb.

Years ago, I noticed my husband and I would hotfoot it across the country to go to a funeral whenever a friend or family member died. That seemed wrong. I told him I wanted to also show up for celebrations, as well — birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, graduations, any excuse to have fun.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

Years ago, I noticed my husband and I would hotfoot it across the country to go to a funeral whenever a friend or family member died. That seemed wrong. I told him I wanted to also show up for celebrations, as well — birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, graduations, any excuse to have fun.

So, yeah, I celebrate my birthday week by gorging on cake and carbohydrates and picking out the restaurants we go to. (Only problem is, my birthday is November 25 and sometimes collides with Thanksgiving; I do hate sharing my special day with a bird. Also, given I’m one-quarter Native American, that irritates me. Please! What did the pilgrims ever do for us?)