This is 72: Master Memoirist Beverly Donofrio Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"My favorite t-shirt has the word 'Hag' printed on the front...I’m an Old Lady aspiring to be a Hag."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, master memoirist Beverly Donofrio responds.-Sari Botton

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Beverly Donofrio

Beverly Donofrio is the author of the memoirs Riding in Cars with Boys, Looking for Mary, and Astonished, plus, two award-winning children’s books, Mary and the Mouse, the Mouse and Mary, and Where’s Mommy? In 2001 Riding in Cars with Boys was made into a motion picture directed by Penny Marshall and starring Drew Barrymore.

How old are you?

72.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

I’m too proud of the age I am now to associate myself with another age. Say to me, “Nice to meet you. How you doin’?” and I’ll answer, “Great. I’m 72.” Back in my 30s, I went around reciting a line from a Michelle Shocked song, “When I grow up I want to be an old lady.” People rolled their eyes. But I was serious.

My favorite t-shirt has the word “Hag” printed on the front. Hag is from the old English haegtesse, a witch, sorceress, enchantress, and healer. The Oracle of Delphi was probably a hag. I’m not even near that. I’m an Old Lady aspiring to be a Hag.

Back in my 30s, I went around reciting a line from a Michelle Shocked song, “When I grow up I want to be an old lady.” People rolled their eyes. But I was serious.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I don’t know what old or young is for my age. I do know I’m happier than I’ve ever been and that most of my friends, who are my age or older, would say the same. So, I guess that means I feel my age.

Left, Beverly Donofrio at 21 in 1971 with her son; Middle, at 28; Right, at 29 in 1979, dancing with her son at a family wedding.

What do you like about being your age?

I’m not so ruled by fear and angst. When the bedevilings begin a round of torture—usually at 3 in the morning, which isn’t called the hour of the wolf for nothing— I breathe deep to give them a little air, and then I say, “Okay, I heard you. Now you can go.” And they do go away, sooner and sooner. I used to think that you could solve problems by worrying about them. Worry is nothing but a waste of energy. To this drama queen, drama has become uninteresting.

When bad shit happens, the only control you have is your reaction. I’d like to say that these days I glide over more potholes than I fall into, but I’ve a confession to make.

Two weeks ago, I was on my way to visit my son and his kids in Brooklyn. Usually I drive, but this time I took the train and then a subway and had to find my own way from an elevated station to his apartment, which according to my GPS was .8 miles away. Descending those two escalators and the steep steps to the street, I patted myself on the back. Look at you, 72 years old, walking nearly a mile with a heavy backpack, limber and buff from all your yoga and exercise, finding your own way with no help besides the GPS on your phone. Which I was looking at when my toe caught on a crack. I pitched forward and my face slammed into the cement. Or should I say my nose. Which is big, and apparently strong because it didn’t break. But it did bleed along with my forehead and knees. Two very kind young men offered me help. But I stood on my own and didn’t even need the tissue they offered to stem the blood dripping from my nose. I had my own, in my pocket, thank you.

I used to think that you could solve problems by worrying about them. Worry is nothing but a waste of energy. To this drama queen, drama has become uninteresting.

Could I have been given a more direct illustration that pride comes before a fall? And still, there I was too prideful to accept help. But needing help is the territory you enter in advanced old age, maybe to teach you to be vulnerable. And I’ll be there sooner than I’d like to think.

At least I knew to be grateful, and as I walked to my son’s, I called out big silent thank yous for this strong healthy body that serves me so well, and for the brain injury, and cracked knees I did not suffer.

Sorry if I’m being preachy. It’s the downside of this hag’s old age.

I cannot leave this question without mentioning my Friday morning dance classes. Every three weeks we’re taught a new routine in a different genre. The first was backup singer moves! I had no idea I’d been waiting my whole life to pretend I’m a backup singer. I had no idea I’d been waiting my whole life for half the things in it, including my amazing dog, Lovey Dovey Donofrio.

This line from a Tim Seibles poem comes to mind: “I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and then I knew.” It’s what happens in old age.

Donfroio at 50 in 2000 with Drew Barrymore, left, on the set of Riding in Cars with Boys.

What is difficult about being your age?

Word retrieval. And forgetting what people have told me. It can seem to them that I wasn’t paying attention or that I don’t care. But it’s not true. The memory banks are full to bursting. And the brain doesn’t fire with alacrity anymore.

The physical quirks and disabilities that can appear out of the blue are not fun. Suddenly a knee will hurt and crack every time I stand up, or my foot feels like a sock is bunched up under it. I could go on, but I’ll spare you. So far, with work, the ailments disappear, but this may not always be the case. I do not know how I will respond to a severe disability. I hope it will be with grace.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I can re-read books I’ve loved, and it’s as if I’m reading them for the first time. This is true of viewing movies, too. I can even read a poem I read the day before with the same result.

This line from a Tim Seibles poem comes to mind: “I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and then I knew.” It’s what happens in old age.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

I’m more kind and patient, which is not to say I am either very kind or patient, just more so.

Age has robbed me of the ability to eat and drink anything I damn well please. Even ice cream gives me a hangover now.

It irritates me when people condescend with Dear and Sweetie. On the other hand, offer me your seat on public transportation and I may hug you.

Witnessing friends’ decline is painful. And losing them is worse.

Donofrio at 50, 53, and 52.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

This is going to sound awfully cornball, or worse, self-congratulatory. I actually like myself. I mean love myself. I mean I don’t hate myself. Sometimes I even think I’m beautiful. And this magnanimity extends to everyone. What a blessing it is not to go around despising myself and finding something wrong with every person who crosses my path.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I’m looking forward to my death. I’m not looking forward to whatever pain and suffering might precede it. I remind my doctor every time I see him, “I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of hospitals. Do not put me in one.” But leaving this life is the next great, and maybe the greatest, adventure of all. I don’t know what will happen, and I’m looking forward to finding out.

Order Beverly Donofrio’s memoirs.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

This is my favorite age. I would not go back to any earlier age and certainly not to my youth for anything on earth.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

My 76-year-old, strong, experienced, knowledgeable gentle but hard-ass Iyengar Yoga teacher. My astrologer friend, Sue, who at 85 is still learning and discovering, writing and memorizing and performing her poems.  

Leaving this life is the next great, and maybe the greatest, adventure of all. I don’t know what will happen, and I’m looking forward to finding out.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I just spent over $300 True Botanicals on skin care products! Worth every penny. Two weeks in and I swear my face looks dewy. Well, maybe for only an hour or two after application, but still…

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I should replace my woodstove with a gas fireplace. But I’m too cheap and stubborn. Mainly, though, I don’t replace it because hauling wood is good exercise, and if I live long enough, someone might say, “She was 90 years old and still hauling wood.”

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I have a few of my closest friends over, make dinner and a cake with lots of butter and sugar that I would never eat unless it was my birthday, and if they give me a gifts, I will not refuse them.