This is 71: Veteran Beauty Editor Valerie Monroe Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"That's the strange thing about aging: The numbers continue to accrue, but the self is the self."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, veteran beauty editor—and author of the brilliant Substack newsletter, How Not to F*ck Up Your Face—Valerie Monroe responds. - Sari Botton
How old are you?
I recently turned 71.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
I feel like I’m in my mid-forties, which happened to be a lovely time for me. I’d just published a memoir and I was pretty happy with the magazine writing I was doing. My energy feels the same now as it did then for some reason.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
Such an interesting question! Because I don’t understand it! I guess I feel young for my age, meaning my idea of what 71 is supposed to be doesn’t coincide with how I see myself. When I look at photos of other people who are in their 70s they often look old to me…but I might look old to them, too. Once, when a guy friend (my age) complained about seeing an old man when he looked in the mirror, I told him I didn’t see an old woman when I looked in the mirror—I just saw my face. “You’re in denial,” said my friend, and I think that may be true. But if denial is wrong, I don’t want to be right!
One thing that surprised me is that the older my mother got (she lived to be 93), the happier she became. I have inklings of that now.
What do you like about being your age?
I like everything about my age. Except the high number and the falling apart. For a few years I’ve been saying one morning I’m going to get up, go into the bathroom, and one of my eyeballs is going to drop into the sink. I mean, it feels like the wear and tear of 71 years is becoming pretty dramatic. My friends and I have to make an effort not to mention all the shit that’s beginning to hurt.
What is difficult about being your age?
The most difficult thing about turning 70 was realizing the likelihood that I’ll be able to kick up my heels for another twenty years is mighty slim. When I turned 60 I was like, okay, I could, with a lot of luck, see myself running around till I’m 80. But when I turned 70…well, the prospect of sustaining that kind of energy becomes more tentative. Plus, it’s much more common to see obituaries of people in their 70s. As a person in her 70s, I’m finding this disturbing.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
Oddly—or maybe not so oddly—no one ever told me anything about what it’s like to be an older person, except the cliché that it ain’t for sissies. Which I thought was stupid till I got old and realized that that is absolutely true. One thing that surprised me is that the older my mother got (she lived to be 93), the happier she became. I have inklings of that now. For me, and I suspect for Mom, too, the preciousness of the moment, the exquisite mystery of who we are becomes more vivid and intense the higher we climb on the road to Nowhere.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me a lifetime of treasured memories. Unfortunately, it has also taken lots of them away. One of the most profoundly weird experiences I’ve had is watching a home video from about 35 years ago and not remembering a single thing about that day. I felt like I was watching a movie about someone else’s life.
A woman my age is beautiful, I think, when she’s engaged with the world; it doesn’t really matter where she falls on the spectrum of what’s considered beautiful culturally.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
I’m not sure getting older has affected my sense of myself or my identity at all. That’s the strange thing about aging: The numbers continue to accrue, but the self is the self.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I don’t have milestones.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
Every single age has been my favorite age. (Maybe minus a couple of years in my twenties; I had really bad menstrual cramps and mood swings and also, pre-therapy, I was kind of a jerk.) I Ioved being single, and later I loved having a family (though my marriage was enormously challenging), and now I love having a grandchild and many old friends. I guess I just love being alive.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
All women who continue, as they age, to contribute to their work or their art or try to make life easier for those who are suffering, they’re inspiring.
Once, when a guy friend (my age) complained about seeing an old man when he looked in the mirror, I told him I didn’t see an old woman when I looked in the mirror—I just saw my face. “You’re in denial,” said my friend, and I think that may be true. But if denial is wrong, I don’t want to be right!
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
Because I’m a former beauty editor I have fun thinking about aging-related adjustments to style and beauty. The older I get, the less makeup I wear and the more thought I give to style. A woman my age is beautiful, I think, when she’s engaged with the world; it doesn’t really matter where she falls on the spectrum of what’s considered beautiful culturally. Engagement manifests in many ways: alertness, compassion, thoughtfulness, sadness, joy, and of course it helps to stand up straight and look people in the eye. Many years ago at O, The Oprah Magazine, I wrote: “Real beauty isn’t about symmetry, or weight, or makeup. Real beauty is about looking life right in the face and seeing all its magnificence reflected in your own.”
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
There really has not been an aging-related adjustment required of me. Or at least I haven’t noticed one.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I love birthdays and try to make mine special. Not in any big ways, but I’ll give myself a treat and plan something pleasurable on that day. My mother always phoned me early in the morning on my birthday (sometimes at what felt like an ungodly hour) so she could be the first to wish me a happy birthday. The year after she died, on the night before my birthday, I dreamed I was walking with her in the woods. What’s it like on the other side, Mom? I asked her, half expecting her to tell me there is no other side. But she said, I’m not liking it much; it’s hard to get things done. When I awoke and remembered it was my birthday, I realized she had come to me first thing, as ever.
What a great Substack! What a brilliant Val Monroe!!
Just gorgeous. Thank you. From the bottom of my pacemaker.