This is 71: Retired Pastor Doug Brouwer Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"A nurse practitioner told me at a recent annual physical that I was 'adorable.' So, I have officially reached the 'adorable' stage of the male life. Not what I had I had been looking forward to."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, writer Presbyterian pastor and author

Douglas Brouwer

responds. -Sari Botton

P.S. I scheduled this questionnaire not anticipating knowing the results of yesterday’s Presidential election so soon. I thought it would be a serious nail-biter, and that we might not have an answer for days, weeks, or months. Today, when many like me are in shock, I’m going ahead and publishing this anyway. The only thing I know to do is keep moving forward. And I figure some of us could use something non-election related, and inspiring, to read. (I mean, since 4am I have been calming myself by mindlessly watching those reels on social media where people decorate cakes, and mix glitter into slime.) I’ll have more to say about this all eventually, but for now, I’m just trying to make sense of it, and to stay sane. Hang in there, everyone.

---

Doug Brouwer arriving at the Santiago de Compostela.

Douglas Brouwer

(Doug—only my mother ever called me Douglas) is an author and Presbyterian pastor. He served churches in Wheaton, Illinois; Ann Arbor, Michigan; Fort Lauderdale, Florida; and (for five years toward the end of his career) Zürich, Switzerland (where he achieved a moderate level of proficiency in standard German). He recently returned from a nine-month interim pastor assignment in The Hague, Netherlands (where he did not make much progress with language learning). He has published seven books, the most recent a memoir, Chasing After Wind: A Pastor’s Life, 2022. His eighth book (about the transformative possibilities of travel) will be published early in 2025. He is married to Susan DeYoung, who made all of those moves with him. She was an attorney in private practice for much of her career, but retired as Executive Director of Habitat for Humanity in Broward County.

—

How old are you?

71.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

I am 70 and (mostly) proud of myself for having made it to this age. I certainly see a 70-year-old in the mirror each morning.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I went to a 50^th high school reunion a couple of years ago and had a great time, but I remember feeling sorry for my classmates. They seemed quite old to me, even decrepit, which is how I must have seemed to them. The lesson I learned is that I need to hang around with people who are a lot younger than I am, not people who are reminders of how I look. (To be fair, my classmates and I had such a good time that many of us keep getting together each year at the same bar where we planned the 50^th reunion.)

A year after I retired, I walked the Camino de Santiago in northern Spain. The distance to Santiago de Compostela is 500 miles (if you start, as I did, in Saint Jean Pied de Port). I felt ready, but what I had not anticipated was that I would struggle on the very first day—jet lagged, de-hydrated from an unexpectedly warm spring day, carrying a 20-pound backpack, and making the highest one-day ascent on the entire Camino.

What do you like about being your age?

What I like is the sense of satisfaction or contentedness I have with what I have done with my life. Which is not to say that I am finished challenging myself, but my sense is that everything that happens from this point is gravy. (Does anyone still use the word “gravy” in that way?)

Doug Brouwer’s grandchildren.

What is difficult about being your age?

The concerned looks and questions I get from medical (and dental) professionals. One young woman (a nurse practitioner, I think) told me at a recent annual physical that I was “adorable.” So, I have officially reached the “adorable” stage of the male life. Not what I had I had been looking forward to.

A year after I retired, I walked the Camino de Santiago in northern Spain. The distance to Santiago de Compostela is 500 miles (if you start, as I did, in Saint Jean Pied de Port). I felt ready, but what I had not anticipated was that I would struggle on the very first day—jet lagged, de-hydrated from an unexpectedly warm spring day, carrying a 20-pound backpack, and making the highest one-day ascent on the entire Camino.

From SJPdP to the top of the Pyrenees was 5,000 feet and 16 miles. By late afternoon, I had nothing left. I would walk 20 feet and then lean on my hiking poles, utterly spent. So, three to four miles from the place where I had planned to spend the night, I rolled out my sleeping bag next to the path and spent the night there. (I had a phone with unlimited international calling, but it was useless without Wi-Fi.) I was relieved when morning came and was surprised that a man in his late 60s couldn’t just push through, which is what I had always done. I am happy to report that I finished the walk on schedule, but one of the hard lessons I learned is that I can’t do everything I once thought I could do.

My identity now has less and less to do with what I did professionally for all those years. My grandchildren, for example, don’t care what my work was or what I accomplished with my life. All they want to know is whether I love them and whether I can be silly and laugh and play games with them. My sense of self in that sense has changed dramatically. I’m more concerned these days with being the kind of person my grandchildren look forward to spending time with.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

My life experience is mostly irrelevant to the people who are coming along after me. No one ever asks me for my opinion (or how I did all the things I used to do) because the world has changed and all of that is ancient history. So, some days I feel like I’m all dressed up with no place to go.

Doug Brouwer recently.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

I have time and space to breathe. I can do things these days just because those things seem fun or interesting. Even though I have both a master’s and a doctoral degree, I found myself looking into graduate programs recently, thinking to myself, “Hey, that looks like fun!” In January, I will be starting a two-year, low-residency MFA program in writing. Why? Well, it looked like fun, and I’d kind of like to write a novel. (My transcripts were so old that they had to be sent to the university admissions office by snail mail, not electronically as most transcripts are sent today.)

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

My identity now has less and less to do with what I did professionally for all those years. My grandchildren, for example, don’t care what my work was or what I accomplished with my life. All they want to know is whether I love them and whether I can be silly and laugh and play games with them. My sense of self in that sense has changed dramatically. I’m more concerned these days with being the kind of person my grandchildren look forward to spending time with.

Doug Brouwer as a toddler.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

Like mandatory minimum withdrawals from my IRA? No, seriously, the short answer is no. On a related note, I have been doing the math lately and realize that I likely won’t be around for any of my grandchildren’s weddings or college graduations. I will likely never meet a great-grandchild. My wife and I waited too long to have children, and then my own children did the same thing. Those are milestones I would have wanted to experience.

My life experience is mostly irrelevant to the people who are coming along after me. No one ever asks me for my opinion (or how I did all the things I used to do) because the world has changed and all of that is ancient history. So, some days I feel like I’m all dressed up with no place to go.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

Looking back, I probably peaked physically around 50. I ran a marathon to celebrate that particular birthday and remember thinking that I would never again be in such good shape. I was right. I ran (and walked!) a 10k for my 70^th birthday and found out that 20 years makes a big difference physically. In terms of my work, I returned not along ago from a nine-month work assignment, and I realized that after all these years I was finally confident in myself. I knew the work, I knew that I could do it effectively, and people were grateful for what I did. A wonderful feeling at last! So, 70 is my favorite age (so far).

Order the book…

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

My parents are both gone now, but they set quite a fine example for me in lots of ways. My dad, for example, became a watercolor painter in his late 50s. He was always an artist, but at one point he sold his business and then painted nearly every day until he died at age 88, doing the thing he had always wanted to do. He was really, really good at it too and won lots of awards. My mom, who died last spring at 97, was still walking laps in the hallways, morning and afternoon, at her assisted living facility. I sometimes walked with her up and down those halls and thought at the time that she was showing me how to keep trying each day. So, both of them have inspired me.

In Switzerland. “Climbing Grosser Mythen was a treat, and hearing someone say ‘Go Blue!’ was great fun.”

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I just went to my hair stylist today and told her that I wanted a more up-to-date haircut. My older daughter recently searched the internet for some “handsome older men” and told me that I needed to upgrade my look. (She works on my wardrobe in a similar way.) So, I went to the salon with recent photos of George Clooney and Richard Gere. My stylist went along with my request without laughing which I appreciated.

Even though I have both a master’s and a doctoral degree, I found myself looking into graduate programs recently, thinking to myself, “Hey, that looks like fun!” In January, I will be starting a two-year, low-residency MFA program in writing. Why? Well, it looked like fun, and I’d kind of like to write a novel. (My transcripts were so old that they had to be sent to the university admissions office by snail mail, not electronically as most transcripts are sent today.)

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

My grandparents and parents set good examples by making aging-related adjustments without being told to do so. So, at some point, they sold their homes and moved to condos, then they moved to independent living, and finally they moved to assisted living, all without anyone suggesting that it was time. My mom voluntarily let go of her car and driver’s license at age 93, claiming that she had a “perfect driving record” (whatever that meant) and didn’t want to ruin it. I find myself wanting to be like them, making decisions for myself before someone else has to make those decisions for me.

At Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I had a 40th birthday that I didn't like, and I realized that I needed to plan what I wanted. I didn't really like, for example, waking up on my 40th and seeing the front yard filled with plastic birds (pink pelicans, I think) and a sign that read "We flew in for Doug's 40th." The thought was great, of course, but I realized that I needed to speak up and say what I wanted. So, on succeeding major birthdays — 50, 60, and 70 — I planned the day and loved each one. Actually, I planned a week of activities each time, and each one was wonderful (for me). For my 70th birthday — a little over a year ago — I ran a 10k race in my hometown. Well, I ran and walked, but I still finished first in my age group. That there were only three of us in my age group helped a little.