This is 71: Donna Baier Stein responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"Aging has led me to know that life is both beautiful and terrible, and as Rilke says, that no feeling is final."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, author Donna Baer Stein—who published her first book at 62—responds.- Sari Botton

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Donna Baer Stein at 71.

How old are you? 

I turned 71 in January. Turning 70 the year before was daunting but the anticipation was far worse than the actual turning of the calendar page. At least until a health challenge arose a few months ago.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?  

My 30s and 40s because those were very busy, active years with work and family. My teens because I’m still that shy girl. I also realize that I have become the adult I, as a child, would have expected. As William Stafford points out, there’s a thread that runs through. I’m still most alive while writing or reading or having deep conversations, still an introvert, still sometimes too serious. I was an only child and I’m a divorced woman with grown kids. Living alone feels almost pre-destined though I would have preferred otherwise. :) 

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I guess I feel about right. People said, “You don’t LOOK that old!” I guess that’s nice but the big part of being in this decade is inside, not outside. I fortunately have a fantastic circle of women near my age and older who are vibrant and active and far from finished with their lives.

I was an only child and I’m a divorced woman with grown kids. Living alone feels almost pre-destined though I would have preferred otherwise.

What do you like about being your age?

I more easily accept my quirks. When younger, my atypicalness (introversion, tendency toward the blues) made me “less than.” I wished I were more like the normies. Now it’s okay; I am who I am. 

What is difficult about being your age?

The most difficult things are physical. I used to be able to eat anything and not gain weight; that stopped at about age 45. I’ve had a joint replacement (arthritis) and recently, a mastectomy. My breast cancer diagnosis was a TOTAL surprise. I know many women who’ve gone through this—at different ages—and they are a terrific support system. I’m lucky because at this point I don’t need chemo and have a very good prognosis. In fact, the diagnosis has been a gift because the shock of it made me face my own mortality really directly. A very good thing to do. During the decades of raising children and following my former husband for his career moves and working in my own career as a direct mail copywriter, I would look at authors’ bios to see when they published their first book and reassuring myself I still had time. I kept thinking, later, later, I’ll make this the priority. I didn’t publish my first book of fiction until I was 62. Two other books of fiction and one poetry book followed.

The breast cancer diagnosis made me face some scary scenarios. What if I learned I only had a few years to live? I imagined what I would do if I learned I had one month to live. I would want to spend that time with my beloved adult children and yes, even my former husband a bit. Family, friends, writing, reading, and spiritual practice. Those priorities have shown up loud and clear.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I’m surprised how quickly the years have passed.

I fortunately have a fantastic circle of women near my age and older who are vibrant and active and far from finished with their lives.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging has led me to know that life is both beautiful and terrible, and as Rilke says, that no feeling is final. Aging has shown me that many of the physical objects I wanted when younger aren’t anywhere near as important as I thought. I’m decluttering like mad. 

I really wish our culture paid attention not to the nubile bodies and flashy lifestyles of the Kardashians but to the wisdom older women have. We are a very large cohort of the population now.

I wrote a book review for Bellevue Literary Review about The Lioness in Winter: Writing an Old Woman’s Life in which I talk about this. It’s a wonderful book filled with writings from Colette, May Sarton, Mary Oliver, Joan Didion, and others on what it was like for them to age.

Donna Baier Stein’s most recent book.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I feel invisible sometimes, in some places. I remember about 2001 I was walking with Roxana Font, my Poetry Co-Editor at Bellevue Literary Review. Roxy was/is gorgeous and about 30 years younger than me, I believe. We walked past some construction workers, and I knew they weren’t whistling at me.

My breast cancer diagnosis has been a gift because the shock of it made me face my own mortality really directly. A very good thing to do.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations? 

I hope to reach 80 and 90 with healthy body and mind. There are career milestones I still want to reach. I worry that ageism will limit my publishing opportunities. Many opportunities appeared when I was younger and it is my own responsibility that I did not pursue them as wholeheartedly as I might have. But I am definitely not ready to stop.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

Probably my 40s. I was writing, publishing individual stories and poems, got my MA from the Writing Seminars at Johns Hopkins, went to Bread Loaf twice, adopted my two kids, and was generally happy and busy and hopeful. 

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Well, gosh, 90 year old Hilma Wolitzer for one! I met Hilma long ago at Bread Loaf. I have several other friends in their 70s and 80s who are awesomely inspiring women. They still create. They live spiritually rich lives. The inner world has always been a big part of my life, always bigger than the outer. I hope that will stand me in good stead as the years tick by.

As a child I wrote a story called “Melissa in Book World,” about a little girl who lived underwater in a world of books. I’ve always felt like Melissa and now that I’m 70, I have set up a good part of my life to be less distracted by the demands of the world above the water. I know this is fortunate and not true for every woman of my age.

During the decades of raising children and following my former husband for his career moves and working in my own career as a direct mail copywriter, I would look at authors’ bios to see when they published their first book and reassuring myself I still had time. I kept thinking, later, later, I’ll make this the priority.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I mostly eat anti-inflammatory foods because of my arthritis. I still dress as I always have, in jeans and flannel shirts or sweaters. One thing I’ve appreciated about the pandemic is the decreasing need to “dress up and go out.” Not that I want to be a hermit, and I’m not. But I appreciate the casualness in dress that has taken over these last two years… and I love Zoom. I love teaching my writing classes on Zoom, teaching people in India, Europe, and across the U.S. in a way that could not have happened pre-Zoom. 

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I cannot imagine stopping writing or wearing jeans.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

My 70th birthday was a wonderful one, held at the fire pit by my house and attended by four dear friends, one of whom crafted an art pole of curved branches from the woods. He covered the branches, which he’d shaped into a 69, with kerosene and lit them. We got to slowly watch the 69 burn away. Then ate Kansas City BBQ (my hometown) and red velvet cake like my grandma used to make for my childhood birthdays. My 71st was more sober since I’d had the mastectomy a month before.

It feels amazing to be this old and yet I talk on the phone to a junior high classmate and my past is still right here. Time feels a LOT less linear than it used to.

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Donna Baier Stein is the author of The Silver Baron's Wife (PEN/New England Discovery Award, Foreword Reviews winner, Will Rogers Medallion Award Finalist, more), Sympathetic People (Iowa Fiction Award Finalist and Next Generation Indie Book Award Finalist), Sometimes You Sense the Difference (poetry chapbook), Letting Rain Have Its Say (poetry book), and Scenes from the Heartland: Stories Based on Lithographs by Thomas Hart Benton (Foreword Reviews Finalist). She was a Founding Editor of Bellevue Literary Review and founded and publishes Tiferet, an interfaith literary journal. She has received a Bread Loaf Scholarship, Johns Hopkins University Writing Seminars Fellowship, grants from the New Jersey Council on the Arts and Poetry Society of Virginia, a Scholarship from the Summer Literary Seminars, and more.

Donna’s writing has appeared in Next Avenue, Virginia Quarterly Review, Saturday Evening Post, Writer's Digest, Confrontation, Prairie Schooner, New York Quarterly, Washingtonian, New Ohio Review, and many other journals as well as in the anthologies I've Always Meant to Tell You (Pocket Books) and To Fathers: What I've Never Said (featured in O Magazine).

In an earlier incarnation, Donna was an award-winning copywriter for Smithsonian, Time, World Wildlife Fund, The Nature Conservancy, and many other environmental and nonprofit clients in the direct marketing industry. www.donnabaierstein.com