This is 65: The Go-Go's Kathy Valentine Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"My biggest growth spurts as an older woman have been in my capacities for empathy, compassion, and gentleness; with others and with myself."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, musician, composer, and writer Kathy Valentine responds. -Sari Botton

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“Me, last week. This is 65…”

Kathy Valentine is a professional musician, composer, and writer. In 1980, at 21 years old, she joined Los Angeles band the Go-Go’s, and co-wrote three of the band’s hit singles. The Go-Go’s were the first, and to date only, all female band to have a number one album and were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2021. Valentine’s critically acclaimed book, All I Ever Wanted: A Rock-N-Roll Memoir, was published in 2020. She graduated from college at 62, has been married, divorced, has a 21-year-old daughter and recently moved to England to start a new life chapter. Her Substack is The Direction of Motion, and Instagram is @kathy.valentine . She also keeps people informed of her activities on Facebook, Blue Sky, Threads and Twitter (X).

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How old are you?

65 years old.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

I mostly don’t associate myself with a number age, although I’ve been very open and quick to inform people that I’m 65. I don’t recall spouting out my age info so readily before, but now it feels as though I have a responsibility to wear it proudly, reassuringly—like “hey, if you’re lucky you’ll get here too and it’s all good.”

The deaths and losses keep racking up. It’s just awful, and I dread a world with more dead heroes and icons. I don’t want Carol Burnett to die, like ever. Or Michael Caine. They just don’t make people like that anymore. The Stones have been a massive part of my life, not sure I can fathom no Mick and Keith.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I feel young, I don’t know if it’s young for my age. I haven’t been here before. I do feel very much the same as my younger self. I’m curious and open; filled with wonder and awe about life and its mysteries. I still dream big dreams for myself, imagining all kinds of possible futures. I tend to attract like-minded, interesting people regardless of age so yes, I’m in step with my chosen peers.

What do you like about being your age?

The increase in confidence and wisdom and being solidly secure about my talent and abilities. My biggest growth spurts as an older woman have been in my capacities for empathy, compassion, and gentleness; with others and with myself. When I was younger, I felt like I had to be so strong and tough, it was exhausting.

At 22, in 1981.

What is difficult about being your age?

A lot about aging is difficult, I don’t want to paint too rosy of a picture. The deaths and losses keep racking up. It’s just awful, and I dread a world with more dead heroes and icons. I don’t want Carol Burnett to die, like ever. Or Michael Caine. They just don’t make people like that anymore. The Stones have been a massive part of my life, not sure I can fathom no Mick and Keith. Getting older and bearing all the death has made me a bit of a selfish survivalist: “Well, better him or her than me.” Not the nicest thing to admit but true.

Also difficult: I struggle with some physical, visible signs of aging. When I see a photo, I still expect to look like I’m in my late 40s, or perhaps peak 50s. I don’t know why I expect to see myself like that. It’s repeatedly dismaying to see jowls, those weird neck tendons, crepe skin. It’s interesting because my actual entire, whole aging body doesn’t bother me: I’m fine with being thicker-waisted, a sag here and there, cellulite, whatever—I feel very grateful everything is working well. But this seeing a photo biz is jarring. Maybe because I always leave the house feeling so awesome, like I’ve cheated my age, then it’s like, hello, reality check.

It's often said that women become invisible, and I’ve experienced that. The thing is, I don’t mind. I only like to draw attention to myself when I’m onstage or performing. The rest of the time I prefer to blend with the background, so being invisible doesn’t bother me. I take that back—maybe if some silver fox is standing right in front of me and he doesn’t acknowledge my own silver foxiness—that is annoying.

I’m single and recently started trying to meet guys via the dating app route. Most of the men in my age group—I cast the net from 55 to 75—are not like me. At all. And many are not looking for a 65-year-old woman, which is a big loss for them because I’m a great girlfriend and companion. I’m fun, funny, smart, and don’t want or need to be supported or taken care of.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

So much is not told! No one told me, so I’m not telling anyone anything other than there’s quite a few surprises in store. Some are more unpleasant than others.

My mom died a month before her 85^th birthday. She was really excited about it and had been talking for months about the party I was giving her. Now that she’s gone and I’m older, I understand her more. I used to judge her and feel critical that she’d “let herself go.” Now I get it. I fight very hard not to do just that.  

The main thing though: I wasn’t expecting the sense of urgency I feel. It’s an interesting blend of contentment with life, and yet also feeling driven to not “waste” a moment. To clarify, I don’t feel like doing nothing is “wasting.” I’m not on a constant productivity grind. I think what I mean is that I’m just always very conscious of time and how little I may have, and want to remain conscious of that fact and make sure that I don’t put off the important stuff. I make time to see the people I care for, I express my love and appreciation, I move forward on the creativity and work I’d like to accomplish.

As a new mom at 44, in 2003.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging and sobriety—probably mainly sobriety—have given me the gift of being solidly grounded in gratitude. There’s not one single moment I’m not grateful. I could compile a massive gratitude list. It’s the best, because even when shit is bad, I’m grateful it’s not worse.

Thanks to aging, I’ve lost teeth and gotten several dental implants. I’ve lost hearing high frequencies and have hearing aids. I got cataracts in my eyes, so I have new lenses on my eyeballs. It’s very expensive getting old, insurance doesn’t pay for these luxe renovations. I often think of the older people that don’t have the means to get stuff fixed. I wish there was a program that paid for olds to get whatever they want done. For me, it’s about dignity, but I also recognize that not every person needs what I need to feel a sense of dignity.

I wasn’t expecting the sense of urgency I feel. It’s an interesting blend of contentment with life, and yet also feeling driven to not “waste” a moment. To clarify, I don’t feel like doing nothing is “wasting.” I’m not on a constant productivity grind. I think what I mean is that I’m just always very conscious of time and how little I may have, and want to remain conscious of that fact and make sure that I don’t put off the important stuff.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I’m single and recently started trying to meet guys via the dating app route. Most of the men in my age group—I cast the net from 55 to 75—are not like me. At all. And many are not looking for a 65-year-old woman, which is a big loss for them because I’m a great girlfriend and companion. I’m fun, funny, smart, and don’t want or need to be supported or taken care of.

The methodology is kind of horrible, but it’s also kind of fun meeting someone new and going on a date and obsessing about whether I like him or he likes me. I didn’t get much of this when I was young; I was a teenager in the 70s, and it was more debauched then, I just had sex and the next morning he was either a boyfriend or you moved on. As a young woman in the 80s I either had a boyfriend or didn’t want one. I was too busy touring and playing to be bothered. Same in the 90s. Then came marriage, divorce, and being a single mom—for whatever reason, I didn’t actually “date” until now. I say that like it’s common, I’ve met like three people in six months. Still.

It's also been interesting to note the shifts in sexuality. I’ve had bouts of zero interest, like the idea of sex was appalling, and times where the desire is back; I feel sexy and want to go buy lingerie. I like to roll with it all and not judge or assume any phase is here to stay or gone forever. I feel like anything could happen! If I fall in love, it could be with anyone and I’m open to what that might be like.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I’ve already defied one by graduating college at 62. I wouldn’t mind collecting a couple of graduate degrees, but we shall see. My bucket list has changed a bit—when I was younger, I was determined to see the entire world. I still love to travel, but now realize I will not have the time or money to see the world in its entirety, so I’ve had to prioritize the places that I’m most drawn to and enamored of. I’m determined, if I can help it, to not die only knowing how to speak English, so I hope to start studying a foreign language very soon once I decide which one I think I can master.

“Me at 41, proactively peak and hot.”

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

I was super peak in my early 40s. I had over a decade of sobriety, which is solid time. I got very proactive with my appearance and hired a maniac Russian for a physical trainer who had me doing handstands and gymnastics. I traded in my default rock and roll, punky spiky hair for long hair, and it looked way more fem than I had ever been. I had no awareness or concerns about my looks as a younger woman, I was only concerned with just rocking like mad, but at 40, I consciously wanted to be “hot.” It was nice while it lasted! At 43, I got married and pregnant and was just amazed by what a woman’s body could do. At 44 I was a brand new mom and went immediately into menopause. I had so many changes in my life in my 40s, it was crazy.

I never feel hotness now, but I still feel sexy and attractive.

I’ve been in a band since the age of 15—not once I have I not either been playing in one, or putting together a new one, practicing, gigging…for nearly 50 years now. I’m a rocker through and through—it’s my essence and my heart and soul. Even if I end up in some retirement or care home in my late 90’s, I’ll probably still be trying to make a band with the other residents.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

I’ve recently moved to the UK—I’m half English, and I live near my Aunt Anne, who just turned 78. She is a gorgeous tiny tempest of energy, with her leather jackets and tight jeans and boots and long blonde hair. She says, “Take long strides when you walk,” and “Don’t stop doing the things you’ve always done”—she goes to rock festivals and gigs, works hard, , saves for the future and is actively involved in her children’s and grandkids’ lives.

Order the book…

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

Two words: Immunity and sunscreen. I have a closet full of herbs and supplements that I believe in. My immune system is my single most valuable and prized possession. I take anything and everything—after proper research and trial/error—to guard and protect and build immunity.

My Texas upbringing with my English fair skin has come back to haunt me. I pay close attention to unwelcome skin changes and have mild concerns about future carve-ups, so I’m diligent with the sunscreen.

I’ve had hair of every single color; platinum blonde, red, brunette, black, and all in-betweens. I’ve finally allowed the gray to grow in and it’s looking damn good. I wear far less makeup and try to stay hydrated.

Style-wise, I’m all about the trainers and sneakers. Obsessed with all the varieties and comfort and coolness and cuteness. A fall can waylay life for a long time, so I try to stay vigilant and aware of each step I take.

Aging and sobriety—probably mainly sobriety—have given me the gift of being solidly grounded in gratitude. There’s not one single moment I’m not grateful. I could compile a massive gratitude list. It’s the best, because even when shit is bad, I’m grateful it’s not worse.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

Music—especially rock-n-roll—saved me when I was young. Discovering new music is thrilling whether it’s jazz or hip hop or whatever new band has caught my attention. I’ve been in a band since the age of 15—not once I have I not either been playing in one, or putting together a new one, practicing, gigging…for nearly 50 years now. I’m a rocker through and through—it’s my essence and my heart and soul. Even if I end up in some retirement or care home in my late 90’s, I’ll probably still be trying to make a band with the other residents.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I love birthdays. Especially mine. I gather as many friends as I can and have a big celebration, each year, each one differently. It can be a big jam at a favorite club, a party at my house, a dinner party hosted by a friend or at a favorite restaurant. I bask in gratitude that I’m still here and have so many wonderful people in my life. I read every single wish and greeting sent to me on social media and for a couple days just soak up the love and appreciation.