This is 65: Author and Storyteller Andrea King Collier Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I now understand that I have nothing to prove to anybody. That is real power."
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From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, author and storyteller Andrea King Collier—whose NextAvenue series on financial planning with her husband for life after 65 is both eye-opening and inspiring—responds. - Sari Botton
How old are you?
65 as of Dec 26th.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
60. I could have said 65 but I am still getting used to the number. I am very comfortable in who I am. And who the heck would want to go through the dramas of the 30s again?
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I don't feel old for my age because I push myself to lead a very full life. I took up photography in a very serious way. In 2019 I started traveling with the Moth Story Hour. And I loved it. It was like I found a whole new outlet for my voice.
The times I feel old for my age are when I go up and down the steps in our house. Who thought that was a good idea? I am in step with my peers. They are all very amazing.
I don't feel old for my age because I push myself to lead a very full life. I took up photography in a very serious way. In 2019 I started traveling with the Moth Story Hour. And I loved it. It was like I found a whole new outlet for my voice.
What do you like about being your age?
I now understand that I have nothing to prove to anybody. That is real power. And I think about all the lessons that got me to this point. And in this time of COVID I figured out that God has this way of slowing us all down. When I was younger that stillness would have driven me crazy. That isn’t to say that I don’t have some big and small goals for myself.
What is difficult about being your age?
Old joints. That’s the biggie. I spend money on maintenance of everything.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
The invisibility thing that I hear older women talk about. It shocked me. But it also was not acceptable to me. I just refused to own it. My friends aren’t owning it either. We all go hard for what we want, need, and feel. It was some made up thing that I refused to own. It is giving away your power as a thinking, creative person. People don’t take your power or make you invisible. You do that.
I now understand that I have nothing to prove to anybody. That is real power.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Time. Both ways. It has given me the true understanding that I might not have 20 years to do the things that matter, so don’t mess around. Get it done a little at a time.
And what has it taken away—time. I could use that 20 years.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
COVID messed with that for a minute. I love fabulocity. But two years in the house means I haven’t had a seriously made up face in two years. I haven’t had on real grown woman shoes in two years. I hadn’t had earrings on in a year and my holes almost closed up. All I did was go to the grocery store and to Target—always in a mask.
And here is a thing that happened that will horrify some women: I went for a year without looking in the mirror. What better time to do it? It started as a challenge for a few days, then a week. Then it just went on. You would be surprised how you can live your life without looking. You can wash your face and brush your teeth and comb your hair. Even in the age of Zoom. I would just not look. Or put up a pic.
Not looking messed with my sense of myself about ten months in. And then I got curious. So I ripped the bandaid off and looked. It was horrific. I hadn’t had my eyebrows done—and there was gray hair in there. I had those old lady hairs on my chin. I knew they were there because I could feel them but I couldn’t get rid of them without looking at my face. And I had big bags under my eyes. Some people would give themselves grace, but I was like…who is that little old lady? It is interesting, I didn’t feel it as long as I didn’t look. And I didn’t look so I wouldn’t feel it.
I started working on myself. Brows. Chin. Derm. All kinds of stuff. I am still not wearing much makeup. But I will admit that the first time I went into my little bag of tricks to put on some liquid eyeliner I actually grabbed lashes glue, and glued my eyes shut.
I went for a year without looking in the mirror. What better time to do it? It started as a challenge for a few days, then a week. Then it just went on. You would be surprised how you can live your life without looking.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
One biggie is outliving my mother. That was big. She died at 61 of ovarian cancer. I always felt like I was a ticking time bomb. And in July of 2022, God willing, my husband and I will hit 40 years.
But on the flip side, I still have a goal of being a novelist. Running behind on that.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
Probably 40. I had a hard time with 39. But someone told me that 40 is so good because you can give yourself permission to quit owning other people’s stuff. Their drama. Their opinions of you. All that. That was the year I got it and started owning it. And I never stopped. Every year has been good. My writing got really interesting to me last year because I wrote to find out what I wanted to know.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
So many women. Maxine Waters, Nancy Pelosi, Jane Fonda, Patti LaBelle, Cicely Tyson before she passed away. Oprah Winfrey. Women who own their power unapologetically.
My birthday is always all about me. My kids already know not to try to surprise me or even come over. I love them and they can come before or after, but not on the 26th.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
I had some minor fillers done after I started looking in the mirror. It is supposed to last fifteen to eighteen months. And I get a facial every six weeks. I get acupuncture and massage to keep these old bones moving. And I am purging any clothes that don’t make me smile.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
I will not get surgery on my face or too much filler work. I have seen some disturbing (for me) stuff.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I have had the same birthday ritual for decades. I have pajama birthdays. I spend most of the day in the bed with my thoughts and notebooks. I start planning for the next twelve months. And I have a great meal for my husband and me that I usually make myself. This year it was shrimp and scallops in pasta. OMG. My birthday is always all about me. My kids already know not to try to surprise me or even come over. I love them and they can come before or after, but not on the 26th.
“The invisibility thing that I hear older women talk about. It shocked me. But it also was not acceptable to me. […] I just refused to own it. People don’t take your power or make you invisible. You do that.”
I’ve been saying this for years, and all I ever got was either crickets or “well you’re a model” (which I’m not).
It’s an internalization of patriarchal misogyny. It’s a self-denigrating acceptance of the regard of the oppressor and not of those who can actually nourish and support you.
I love stories of people who prove that growing older doesn't mean you stop growing.