This is 64: Memoirist Susan Kiyo Ito Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"As an adopted person, I have a mixed relationship to birthdays...But I have tended to insist on celebrating that I was born, in spite of the circumstances."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, author, editor, and teacher Susan Kiyo Ito responds. -Sari Botton

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Susan Kiyo Ito at 64, after her recent makeup lesson.

Susan Kiyo Ito is the author of the memoir, I Would Meet You Anywhere, just published by Ohio State University Press. She co-edited the literary anthology A Ghost At Heart’s Edge: Stories & Poems of Adoption. Her work has appeared in The Writer, Hyphen, Growing Up Asian American, Choice, Hip Mama, Literary Mama, Catapult, Hyphen, McSweeneys, The Bellevue Literary Review, and elsewhere.  She is a MacDowell colony Fellow, and has also been awarded residencies at The Mesa Refuge, Hedgebrook and the Blue Mountain Center. Her theatrical adaption of Untold, stories of reproductive stigma, was produced at Brava Theater. She is a member of the Writers’ Grotto, and teaches at the Mills College campus of Northeastern University. She was a co-organizer of Rooted and Written, a writing workshop for writers of color.

How old are you?

64! (I have to resist the urge to break out in song — you know which one!)

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

In my mind, I often feel like a teenager. Music was a huge part of my life then; I was obsessed with going to concerts and would often go to two or three a week. Tickets for big ticket shows like Elton John or the Eagles were $7-$15 back in the ‘70s! When I hear a song come up on my playlist or on the radio, I am immediately transported to that time.

Fourteen years ago, I completed in an Olympic triathlon at age 50, and I felt sort of invincible. I really feel like my body has aged since then…Maybe someday I’ll get a burst of inspiration and be one of those 90-year-old marathoners, but I don’t think so.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I think I feel both. Sometimes I feel super genki (Japanese word for energetic) and sometimes I feel exhausted and ancient. Fourteen years ago, I completed in an Olympic triathlon at age 50, and I felt sort of invincible. I really feel like my body has aged since then. Some of my peers are weightlifting and surfing and doing things that feel way beyond me now. Maybe someday I’ll get a burst of inspiration and be one of those 90-year-old marathoners, but I don’t think so.

But mentally, and creatively, I feel like I am just getting started, that there are so many things I want to do. I want to finish novels. I want to write short stories, and poetry. I want to teach things. I want to make things and go places. I also have this sense that the window is closing, and that I do not have infinite time left to do all the things on my ever-growing list. I won’t be able to go to all of the places I haven’t seen. That’s pretty sobering.

Ito at 16. “This is my internal self: at a concert, with a camera around my neck.”

What do you like about being your age?

I like caring less about how I look, or rather, being fine with the way I look. I like not dying my hair anymore. I love not shaving my legs. I like wearing things that are comfortable, especially shoes. I am thankful to be on the other side of menopause. Post- is definitely easier than the wild roller coaster of pre-.

I like feeling like an elder, that I’ve accumulated some wisdom around various things. It’s a little startling that some younger people (in their 40s!) have started referring to me as an elder. But I also like it. I love being a grandmother.

I like senior discounts. Some people my age feel insulted, but I’m very happy to get a discount if it’s being offered!

I had a lot of caregiving on my plate — first my children, and when they grew up, I took care of my mother for 17 years. After she passed away, I started working at a rate and an intensity that I never had. Suddenly, at 60, I had a full-time job as a professor and teaching classes I really loved, and for the first time I felt like I had a profession.

What is difficult about being your age?

I do not like the way my hips protest (loudly) when I try to get up from sitting on the couch too long. I don’t like feeling physically limited, but I don’t think that’s a function of age; it’s a function of me getting out of practice with using my body. This is one of my goals for the next bit of time; to push myself more instead of seeing myself as “weak” or older.

It is also difficult to have peers of mine, or people who are not much older than me, getting seriously sick or dying. That is hard, and I know it’s going to keep happening.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I always worked part time until just a few years ago. I expected that I would work a lot during my life, and then I’d retire. But I had a lot of caregiving on my plate — first my children, and when they grew up, I took care of my mother for 17 years. That was a lot of caregiving. After she passed away, I started working at a rate and an intensity that I never had, that had been building up all this time. Suddenly, at the age of 60, I had a full-time job, working as a professor and teaching classes I really loved, and for the first time I felt like I had a profession.

That has been fulfilling in a way that I never expected. In many ways I feel like I’m just getting started, but I’m also aware that I’m nearing what many regard as “retirement age.” Many people my age are talking about retiring, or have already retired. I’m feeling a little confused about if I should be winding down, or ramping up. It’s not what I was expecting.

Order the book.

What has aging given you?

It has given me a sense of confidence about certain things — writing, teaching, organizing, leading things. Of course, I feel plenty of doubts and impostor syndrome too, but I feel solid in a way that I didn’t use to, decades ago.

Taken away from you?

It has taken away the sense that the future is limitless.

I like senior discounts. Some people my age feel insulted, but I’m very happy to get a discount if it’s being offered!

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I’m not sure how to think of myself in terms of age. Am I an older middle-aged person, or a young elderly or older person? It’s confusing, because as I said above, I still feel internally like a teenager inside in some ways. In some ways it’s been kind of grounding.

Ito, 10, with her dog, Frisky, 1.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

Hmmm. I’m trying to think of age-related milestones. I just Googled it and the results (below) were incredibly depressing. Decline and death! I am not looking forward to any of these things! I think I’d say I’m looking forward to being a more involved grandmother (my grandchild lives out of state but as I phase out of full time work I’d like to spend more time there), and looking forward to quieter days with shorter to-do lists.

“Old age may be defined as the stage from age 65 until death. During this stage, most people retire from work and no longer have the major responsibility of caring for others. Physically, older adults tend to have a decline in stamina, strength, reflex time, and the senses.”

And:

What are some milestones in late adulthood?

For example, an older adult may become mistrustful (trust vs. mistrust), feel more guilt about not having the abilities to do what they once did (initiative vs. guilt), feel less competent compared with others (industry vs. inferiority), lose a sense of identity as they become dependent on others (identity vs. dependence).

And:

The Following Are the Five Stages of Aging That Most Older Adults Experience

1. Self-sufficiency. The first stage in the aging process is self-sufficiency. ... 

2. Interdependence. Eventually, your aging loved one will require some support and assistance. ... 

3. Dependence. ... 

4. Crisis Management. ... 

5. End of Life.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

I enjoyed many adventures in my 20s. I moved cross-country, traveled throughout Asia and Latin America, and felt like life was sort of limitless. I got a decent job right out of college, so I wasn’t financially stressed. I began political organizing, which was incredibly exciting, to feel like I could change the world. But it was also a time of great insecurity and instability. I love so many things that I did and experienced during that age, but I wouldn’t go back. I just like being able to fondly visit those times in my mind.

Ito, right, with her daughters and mother a few years ago. “We were a multigenerational family for 17 years.”

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

My aunt is 92 years old and until very recently, was going to weekly hula dancing classes, a senior choir, and numerous other activities in her senior community. She has maintained her social life, has lots of friends and writes me lovely handwritten letters. She has aged incredibly gracefully and graciously. She’s my aging idol!

I also want to mention my dad. He had a complication during surgery in his 70s and was basically paraplegic for the last six years of his life. He was so dignified. It wasn’t easy for him, but he continued traveling. He transitioned to working by phone (this was before Zoom!). He never retired, and kept happily working, as a salesman, until the day before he died at 81.

I have to say I think I am more stylish than I was in my 40s, when I wore mostly baggy jeans and sweatshirts and my children and friends actually nominated me for the TV show “What Not To Wear.”

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

More comfort. Although I have to say I think I am more stylish than I was in my 40s, when I wore mostly baggy jeans and sweatshirts and my children and friends actually nominated me for the TV show “What Not To Wear.” (I never got on the show, though!)

I have never in my life worn makeup other than a swipe of Burt’s Bees tinted lip gloss. I was always very intimidated by makeup and felt like it made me look ridiculous. Recently though, because my book is coming out and I am going to be doing more public events, I splurged on a makeup lesson. I loved it because this makeup artist specializes in Asian women who wear glasses (that’s me!). I was beginning to feel self-conscious about my skin, some age spots and saggy parts. I really liked what she did — somehow I looked like a slightly brighter, better version of myself. It still isn’t something I’ll do every day, but it’s nice to have learned how.

“Setting off with all my earthly belongings (age 22), moving across the country.”

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I can’t think of anything. I’m trying to imagine someone saying, “You’re too old to …” and me just laughing. As far as other peoples’ judgments, I don’t really care. On the other hand, there so many adjustments that are just inevitable, aren’t they? I mean, I hope I won’t be an older person who refuses to stop driving even if it’s not safe. I hope that if at some point I need a walker or cane or someone to wipe my butt, I’ll be able to accept those things with dignity. It doesn’t mean you’re a lesser person or that life is less worthwhile. I honestly want to age as gracefully as I can.

One tradition I established a while back is that I really like learning something new on my birthday, so I’ll sign up for a class in something I’ve always wanted to learn — like sea kayaking, or a particular kind of calligraphy, or one year I took a class in making a leather-bound book.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

Well, as an adopted person, I have a mixed relationship to birthdays. Many of us don’t like to think about our birthdays, because it’s a complicated event we’re thinking about. But I have tended to go the other way, and insist on celebrating that I was born, in spite of the circumstances.

One tradition I established a while back is that I really like learning something new on my birthday, so I’ll sign up for a class in something I’ve always wanted to learn — like sea kayaking, or a particular kind of calligraphy, or one year I took a class in making a leather-bound book. I also really like to spend my birthday with close friends. When I turned 55, a group of friends and I went glamping on the coast, in these nice tents with comfy mattresses. That was fantastic.