This is 59: Author Chin-Sun Lee Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I’m a late-bloomer in many ways, but at least I’m blooming, not withering."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, author responds. -Sari Botton
Chin-Sun Lee is the author of the debut novel Upcountry (Unnamed Press 2023), listed among Publishers Weekly’s Big Indie Books of Fall 2023 and Debutiful’s Most Anticipated Debut Books of 2023. She’s one of Poets & Writers 5 Over 50 Debut Authors of 2023 and is also a contributor to the New York Times bestselling anthology Women in Clothes (Blue Rider Press/Penguin 2014). Her stories, essays, and reviews have appeared in The Georgia Review, The Rumpus, Joyland, and The Believer Logger, among other publications. Learn more about her at www.chinsunlee.com.
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How old are you?
59
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
Probably 54—because up until recently, that’s the age I fudged to some people, which I’m not proud of. I have friends of all ages, some older and some much younger, but I’d say the majority of my friends are in their late 40s. I skirted the age issue partly because ageism is real, especially for women, both in publishing and in fashion, which was my previous career. Vanity and insecurity were factors for sure. Also, everyone assumed I was much younger and frankly, some people were already freaked out by my fake age! But mostly because, as I’m creeping up to another milestone decade, my real age freaks me out. I mean, almost 60, Jesus Christ—how did that happen?! I think the pandemic contributes to this befuddlement, because time became so warped. My nature is to be truthful, so maintaining this one lie didn’t sit well with me. And like all lies, the longer you keep them, the harder it is to come clean. But having done so, it’s also a huge relief.
A universal truth is that we think a certain age seems really old until we get there. I’m grateful I’m not quite the crone I envisioned I’d be at 59 and actually feel pretty good.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I feel younger most days, and in step with my peers. But I have so many really smart, funny, accomplished friends who are younger, some days I’m just in awe and I look up to them!
What do you like about being your age?
I like knowing what I know. Every hard-won bit of wisdom—I wouldn’t trade that in for setting back the clock. I’m a late-bloomer in many ways, but at least I’m blooming, not withering.
What is difficult about being your age?
Time speeds up the older you get, so I know the next decade will go by faster than this one. I feel like I’m only now entering the life and career I’ve wanted for so long, so there’s a bit of pressure to really produce. Also, menopause is no picnic. I’m lucky that my symptoms haven’t been that bad and that it happened for me much later than usual—at 56. But it coincided with the pandemic followed by a breakup and what it’s messed up most for me is my sleep. When I don’t sleep well, it really affects my concentration and makes it so hard to write.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
What’s surprising is how fast I got here! A universal truth is that we think a certain age seems really old until we get there. I’m grateful I’m not quite the crone I envisioned I’d be at 59 and actually feel pretty good. I remember when I started writing at the age of 40, I had the clear thought, If I don’t publish a book by the time I’m 50, I’ll be so depressed. If you had told me then it would take almost another decade, I would have crawled into a cave. But when I turned 50, I was really happy because I’d quit my fashion job to pursue writing and my life felt wide open. My happiest decades honestly have been my 40s and 50s. Which is not to say it’s all been great—there have been deaths and heartbreaks and lean times—but I’ve come into my own as a woman and I’m getting there as an artist. I feel really powerful in that certainty.
I remember when I started writing at the age of 40, I had the clear thought, If I don’t publish a book by the time I’m 50, I’ll be so depressed. If you had told me then it would take almost another decade, I would have crawled into a cave. But when I turned 50, I was really happy because I’d quit my fashion job to pursue writing and my life felt wide open.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me character, patience, knowledge, and a sense of equanimity. It’s taken away my skin’s elasticity and physical buoyancy and also narrowed certain choices, which happens when you have less time ahead of you. I’m also more cautious about injuries because everything takes longer to heal. I have some friends who started skiing in their 40s and they encourage me to take lessons but I’m not interested enough to risk a spill and broken bones. My biggest fear about aging is losing my cognition and bodily independence.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
It’s deepened my sense of self. But at the same time, as you evolve and accept who you are, you lose who you once were. It’s like we’re molting, but slowly, and it’s only with some distance that we can see what we’ve shed. I look back at the chubby-cheeked 20-something I once was and I recognize certain core personality traits. But my life has changed and shaped me, and I am no longer that person.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
Hmm. Most people probably say things like watching their kids grow up to have their own families, or having grandchildren, but I never married or had kids, so those are certain milestones I missed. I can’t say I have real regrets, though I love being an auntie, I enjoy children, and they usually like me. That said, being a parent is a profound human experience, and it’s one I’ll never know. I think I would have made a good mom. But my life would be so different. It’s interesting to imagine the road untaken but I don’t fret much over “what ifs.” So, as far as typical milestones, I guess what I look forward to is retirement! By that I mean it would be awesome if one day I was in a financial position where I didn’t have to work. Though I always want to keep writing.
As you evolve and accept who you are, you lose who you once were. It’s like we’re molting, but slowly, and it’s only with some distance that we can see what we’ve shed.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
My favorite age physically would probably be my mid-to-late 30s. Sometimes I think if I could beam myself back into that youthful casing with my current mind and set of experiences, I would. But the real truth is that maybe right now is my favorite age, even though it’s not a number I’m fully comfortable with. And if being in my 30 again means not knowing all the wonderful people I’m met in the years since—then no, I wouldn’t go back.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
My older idol is Laurie Stone, who’s written for Oldster before. I got to know her through her writing and then I took a workshop with her. I just love her voice, the aliveness of her prose, her generosity and unapologetic feminism. Also, the dynamic she has with her partner Richard strikes me as one of those rare unions between true equals, which is really lovely.
My happiest decades honestly have been my 40s and 50s. Which is not to say it’s all been great—there have been deaths and heartbreaks and lean times—but I’ve come into my own as a woman and I’m getting there as an artist. I feel really powerful in that certainty.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
Well, I don’t wear bikinis anymore or short skirts and I dye my roots. I try to moisturize and all that but I’ve always been pretty lazy about skincare and minimalist about makeup, unless it’s Mardi Gras. Health-wise, I am conscious now of taking my vitamins but as far as exercise, I’ve let it all go this year because of the book. As soon as life settles a bit it’s #1 on my to-do list because I know from the far reaches of my memory that while I don’t love the actual doing, I feel great afterward. Also, it’s good for my sleep and mental health.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
I refuse to fade quietly into oblivion, if that’s the outdated concession we’re supposed to make. I do think as a society our perception of aging and its limitations is broadening, thanks to outlets like Oldster and Bloom adding nuance to the conversation.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I’m pretty low-key, usually just going out for a nice dinner—but my next birthday is a big one, so I’ve already let people know: Get ready because it’s going to be a celebration!
My favorite so far! Refreshing to hear from someone else (also a writer!) who is a woman with no kids and seemingly comfortable in some ambivalent spots + effortlessly insightful & cool!
"My happiest decades honestly have been my 40s and 50s. Which is not to say it’s all been great—there have been deaths and heartbreaks and lean times—but I’ve come into my own as a woman and I’m getting there as an artist. I feel really powerful in that certainty."
I resonate with this so strongly. Would it be lovely to teleport back into that 30s "casing", as Chin-Sun calls it, while retaining the person I am now? Sure. But I wouldn't want to *be* her for any money. Now is really, really good-- absolutely worth the aches, pains, extra pounds, and grey roots.