This is 55: María Luisa Arroyo Cruzado Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I vowed, now at 55, to ground and manifest my constellation of creative writing book projects. Without asking permission. Without apology. Owning my brilliance."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, Boricua poet, author, artist and PhD student in comparative lit María Luisa Arroyo Cruzado responds. -Sari Botton

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María Luisa Arroyo Cruzado at 55.

María Luisa Arroyo Cruzado in her own words: “I am joyfully activating my multiple creativities as a Boricua poet of color, intersectional feminist educator, CNF writer & visual artist. Four cultures & languages: Puerto Rican Spanish, American English, German & Farsi inform the way I receive and perceive the world.”

How old are you?

¡Wepa!  ¡Tengo 55 años!

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?  

n/a

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I don’t feel old for my age at all. I am the age I am and keep in step with my eight sister-girlfriends who range from 30 and to 80. I’m somewhere in the middle.

What do you like about being your age?

During my transition from 54 to 55, I finally learned how to exercise all my freedoms.

In June 2022, I moved from Massachusetts to Las Vegas, NV when I fell in love with the music of a cinnamon-skinned African American man’s Mississippi voice recounting his true stories growing up with his grandparents there; with his mother in various cities in California and St. Louis, Missouri; and in Vegas. He became enamored with me: a non-gambling, non-drinking, non-smoking, well-educated, sexy, culturally informed, financially independent, caramel-skinned “goody two shoes” of a Puerto Rican woman, poet, teacher, and empty nester who packed up my 2007 Honda Civic nicknamed Wonder Woman and drove cross country. Just because I could.

In September 2022, he became an ordinary man after our shared honey-moon living. With compassionate clarity, I asked him to leave my Vegas apartment. And he did.

Between September 2022 and March 2023, I turned Vegas into my creative writing sabbatical. Just because I could.

I am joyfully a fat, brown, strong, big-breasted, sensual, highly passionate, multilingual Puerto Rican woman with naturally curly salt and pepper hair, Type II diabetes, intense Tigger energy, SAD (seasonal affective disorder), and an insatiable joy for teaching and learning. ¡Y soy un comelibros! And I am a woman who eats books (aka bookworm)!

When October 20^th, 2022 dawned in Prescott, AZ at 5,000+ feet above sea level overlooking Thumb Butte, I vowed, now at 55, to ground and manifest my constellation of creative writing book projects. Without asking permission. Without apology. Owning my brilliance. And continuing to be a positively overwhelming powerhouse.

So far, I have self-published Landscapes, a chapbook of photos and poems (January 2023). In May 2023, Resistencia: Resilience, my collection of poems and essays was published by Human Error Publishing. My poetry manuscript, Thought Here/Would Cure Me of There, will be published by Lily Poetry Review Books. As editor of my literary imprint, MultiCreative Wisdom, I just put a call out for women writers of color for an anthology. Why? Because I want to become creatively stimulated and engaged by an intentional community of U.S. women writers of color. Still, too often I am featured in predominantly White virtual and on-the-ground spaces.

At 55, I am more fully celebrating how capacious my mind is. In Fall 2023 as a Clark Diversity Fellow, I am joyfully pursuing my PhD in Comparative Literature at Binghamton University in Binghamton, NY. Meanwhile, I am teaching an online graduate-level creative nonfiction course and tutoring adult students online in German, Spanish, ESL, and public speaking.

At 55, I finally learned how to embrace myself more wholly instead of distancing my mind and my spirit from my physical self. I am joyfully a fat, brown, strong, big-breasted, sensual, highly passionate, multilingual Puerto Rican woman with naturally curly salt and pepper hair, Type II diabetes, intense Tigger energy, SAD (seasonal affective disorder), and an insatiable joy for teaching and learning. ¡Y soy un comelibros! And I am a woman who eats books (aka bookworm)!

María Luisa Arroyo Cruzado as a teen.

What is difficult about being your age?

Not yet having a place of my own to own, where I can reshelve my family of 2500+ books in storage since June 2022.

Throughout my adult life, I have always rented apartments. Moving to Binghamton, N.Y. this summer will be no exception. For the next three years, I will only need a studio-sized apartment to work diligently toward beginning AND completing my PhD in Comp Lit. While living frugally, I will work toward learning how to purchase my first permanent home.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

Because most of my friends are around my age and older, we have always been frank about our ages not defining us nor limiting our capacities.

Ever since I applied secretly to private colleges at Mr. Gary Watson’s urging while sitting in his Classical HS guidance office in Springfield, MA, I have been mapping out and living my own existence.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

Fascinating question! 

Ever since I applied secretly to private colleges at Mr. Gary Watson’s urging while sitting in his Classical HS guidance office in Springfield, MA, I have been mapping out and living my own existence.

In light of my foundry-working Puerto Rican father’s fears as he tore up and threw away the college brochures sailing through our duplex mail slot.

In light of my factory-working Puerto Rican mother’s astonishment at my cojones as the only daughter among many sons.

María Luisa Arroyo Cruzado in her 30s, with her son.

At 55, I feel as if I have been living many fascinating lifetimes in one. While writing poetry is my first passion and the way I perceive the world, many of my experiences, I am learning, need the more expansive space of creative nonfiction essays. As my sister-girlfriend Tina Scott and dear friend Brenda Hill commented, “María, you’re a writing machine!”

And as my 78-year-old Mami observes: “Tienes que descargar la biblioteca de experiencias que tienes en tu cabeza.” You have to download the library of experiences you have in your head.

These include:

: my educational experiences as a first-generation Puerto Rican woman of color, adjunct instructor, and full-time professor at undergraduate and graduate PWIs (Predominantly White Institutions);

: choosing to major in German, my third language, including studying abroad three semesters as an undergraduate and falling in love with an older Iranian computer science major in Germany and earning my first Master’s in German;

: taking a six-week solo trip to Iran to spend quality time with my beloved Mamani, my then-husband’s mother

I love the age I am now. With every day being a garden of possibilities, I am perpetually excited about transferring my goals into action, teaching and learning, and showing my literary citizenship through my actions by mentoring other creatives, particularly creatives of color.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

I love the age I am now. With every day being a garden of possibilities, I am perpetually excited about transferring my goals into action, teaching and learning, and showing my literary citizenship through my actions by mentoring other creatives, particularly creatives of color.

Order María Luisa Arroyo Cruzado’s latest book.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

My mother, Elizabeth Arroyo Cruzado Rosario, is my aging idol. At 78 with her white crown of wavy hair and signature Paddington Bear red knit hat and cane whenever she takes her daily walk, she is aging with profound spirituality, patience, grace, and a self-awareness of her growing limitations. And she has never compared herself to anyone else for as long as I’ve known her.

In the winter of 2021/2022, I brought [my mother] to Puerto Rico for a 10-day vacation, her first time since she buried her father 35 or so years ago. That vacation is inspiring me to write a collection of poems in her Spanish but from my point of view. I want her to be able to read it and say: Eso es. It was so.

A perpetual academic overachiever, I am learning from her that bliss is in the everyday; I don’t have to chase it, plan for it, strive for it. Es lo que es. It is what it is.

What keeps her spirit young is being open to wonder. Being able to experience her epiphanies is heartening. For instance, she commented: Lo que yo hacía con mis manos es lo que tú haces con tu mente. What I used to do with my hands (she’s been a hard working wage earner since the age of 9) is what you do with your mind.

In the winter of 2021/2022, I brought her to Puerto Rico for a 10-day vacation, her first time since she buried her father 35 or so years ago. That vacation is inspiring me to write a collection of poems in her Spanish but from my point of view. I want her to be able to read it and say: Eso es. It was so.

María Luisa Arroyo Cruzado at 53 with her mother, then 76.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

As a Type II diabetic, I decided to learn more about insulin resistance. Once upon a time, my body was not diabetic. With the compassionate “guide on your side” expertise of my online 9 a.m. health team members, I consciously transformed my mindset from being extrinsically motivated to intrinsically motivated. This includes my decision to stop using insulin in addition to my oral medications for Type II diabetes after I began to inject myself in March 2023. One panic attack, 24 hours of fasting, and hours of research later, I ordered and began taking organic gymnema twice a day in addition to the prescribed oral medications for Type II diabetes Since March 2023, when I drove cross country again to Massachusetts, I have become in better control of my daily blood sugar numbers, thanks to that and thanks to taking a multivitamin for women 50+.

I will not stop having sex. After I broke up with my ex in Vegas, I met an older Southeast Asian man with tremendous stamina. His pleasure was giving me pleasure. No strings attached…In the future, I will discreetly have one lover around my age.

With my joyful transition into my exciting PhD program in CompLit where I will blossom wildly among multilinguals like me, I will continue to practice mindful self-care in order to make the most out of my experiences. This will include exploring the campus on regular walks, using the university athletic facility and track, connecting with a mental health professional, and ensuring that I have the tools in place to manage the seasonal affective disorder.

Order María Luisa Arroyo Cruzado’s chap book of photos and poems.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

As a multi-orgasmic, heterosexual, passionate, post-menopausal woman, I will not stop having sex. After I broke up with my ex in Vegas, I met an older Southeast Asian man with tremendous stamina. His pleasure was giving me pleasure. No strings attached. From his soulful kisses to his intentional slow love-making, I enjoyed him as he enjoyed me.

In the future, I will discreetly have one lover around my age.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I will celebrate my birthdays until the end. I actually consider October my birthday MONTH, so I spread my birthday joy over many days. I accept invitations from my adult son and my sister-girlfriends to lunch, dinner, or bookstore dates. I’m flexible. =)

For my actual transition evening from one age to another, I spend them alone by renting a room in a beautiful place and waking up at my usual time between 5:30 AM-6 PM to journal.