This is 50: Deesha Philyaw Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"For years, like well into my 30s, I used to think, 'Wasn’t I just 13? Why am I responsible for these children???'

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, Deesha Philyaw, award-winning author of The Secret Lives of Church Ladies, responds.- Sari Botton

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How old are you?

50

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

For years, like well into my 30s, I used to think, “Wasn’t I just 13? Why am I responsible for these children???” But now I feel very 50, whatever that means.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

Just right. I think I’m in step with other women my age. With the men, it’s a crap shoot.

I worry that I won’t have enough time to do all the things I want to do. A clock is ticking.

What do you like about being your age?

I like that I’ve lived long enough to recognize patterns, which helps me not hesitate to say, “No” to situations that aren’t in my best interest and to walk away from people and situations at the first sign of a red flag, before they waste my time. I am a fuckery whisperer.

What is difficult about being your age?

I worry that I won’t have enough time to do all the things I want to do. A clock is ticking.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I’m surprised by how much I desire pretty much the same things I did in my 30s and 40s, in that I still want adventure and surprises. I’m still very curious. I still get bored easily. I don’t know why I thought that would change. I’m not slowing down, and I think maybe I’ve associated aging with slowing down. In reality, I have a greater sense of urgency and am more restless now (thanks, COVID!).

Philyaw’s wonderful story collection, The Secret Lives of Church Ladies, was a finalist for the National Book Award, and is being adapted as an HBO Max series. (See her bio below...) If you haven’t read it already, you must!

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging has given me wonderful perspectives on myself and how to deepen my relationships with my family and friends. Aging has taken away my naivete.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I like and love myself more the older I get. I’m more open to the fact that my identity is multifaceted, and I’m more comfortable with the contradictions.

I’ve lived long enough to recognize patterns, which helps me not hesitate to say, “No” to situations that aren’t in my best interest and to walk away from people and situations at the first sign of a red flag, before they waste my time. I am a fuckery whisperer.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I wanted to celebrate my 50th birthday in Paris. So that will need to be a do-over at some point.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

Forty-six was great. It was post-leaving-a-bad-marriage but pre-pandemic. I felt so free and full of possibilities. If I could, I would go back to this age because there’s one person I would’ve slept with then (rather than a few years later, like I actually did). Four extra years of really good sex! And there are a couple of people I would un-sleep with from that year.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

My friend Peachie Wimbush-Polk! She is so wise and honest and beautiful and adventurous and funny and kind. She embraces life as it comes. She’s very grounded and intuitive.

If I could, I would go back to 46 because there’s one person I would’ve slept with then (rather than a few years later, like I actually did). Four extra years of really good sex! And there are a couple of people I would un-sleep with from that year.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

Aging has caused me to wake up early whether I want to or not, so I try to balance that out by going to bed earlier. Style-wise, I seem to gravitate towards boots more (I got my first pair of Doc Martens last year!) and the color yellow. Beauty-wise, I’ve been getting regular manicures and pedicures ever since it was safe to return to nail salons; I didn’t do that pre-pandemic. My nails are the longest they’ve ever been, and I am wearing colors I’ve never worn before, like Tiffany blue. My hands no longer look like a 9-year-old boy’s hands. Health-wise, I add collagen peptides powder to my smoothies.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I will never, ever wear kitten heels.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

Celebrate long and strong! COVID has kept me from having a party, but I like a big party with a DJ and lots of dancing.

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Deesha Philyaw’s debut short story collection, The Secret Lives of Church Ladies, won the 2021 PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction, the 2020/2021 Story Prize, and the 2020 LA Times Book Prize: The Art Seidenbaum Award for First Fiction and was a finalist for the 2020 National Book Award for Fiction. The Secret Lives of Church Ladies focuses on Black women, sex, and the Black church, and is being adapted for television by HBO Max with Tessa Thompson executive producing. Deesha is also a Kimbilio Fiction Fellow and will be the 2022-2023 John and Renée Grisham Writer-in-Residence at the University of Mississippi.