I’m pretty sure that the reason we can get out of bed in the morning is because we think we’re going to live forever: our beloved mates will never die, our children will never die, we will never die….. NOT true, sadly! In May of 2024 my 77 year old beloved husband of 45 years died of a vicious cancer in 12 days after his diagnosis. We were pretty sure he was going to live forever as his mom lived to 99 (in strong body with very strong mind) and his dad at 94. We were lulled into denial by his long-lived parents. So…. The very good news is that when my 80 year old mom died in 2002 after 9 months of leukemia, she taught us a very important lesson: have your estate in order. She had a trust (and will), my sister was the executor, no probate. Easy street. We could deal with our grief and forget the rest. The month after mom died, at age 51, I hired an estate attorney (husband Dave never wanted to talk about death and dying! Well SOMEONE needs to!! That was always me, also I’ve always been the financial planner in the family, he didn’t want to talk about money either although in his work he dealt with millions of dollars). We created a reversible family trust, wrote wills, Advanced Directives, etc. We decided this was especially important since we traveled a lot, both overseas and in the states. Lots of flying. Lots of driving…. Buses, trains, ferries… Accidents happen all the time!In 2014, we amended the Trust. In September 2023, we amended it again. We don’t have a great deal of money but we do have a home and a cabin on a lake. And a disabled adult daughter. Dave died May 2024. Now I’ve amended the Trust yet again to reflect my current thoughts with Dave dead. All the kids know who our young attorney is, my young CPA. I tell the kids, when I die just sit down with those two and talk. They’ll help you with all the legal stuff. As Dave always would say to me, none of us are getting out of this alive. Now I live with my broken heart - our kids too - but at least our affairs are in order! Thanks for reading this far! Get to work. And read Atul Guwande, Being Mortal. Life-changing read.
Valuable truths here, also so important to amend your documents AS YOUR LIFE CHANGES, because it will. Also, agree that having a trusted CPA and financial advisor, if needed, and introducing those advisors to your executor.
I’m a death doula and see so many fights where nothing has been planned so the loved ones argue about what to do while feeling emotional and overwhelmed. It’s hard enough to just grieve. Making these plans (and talking about them!) is vital to a peaceful death and ultimately a gift of love to the people who must go on living.
Wholeheartedly agree that having plans, evolving as needed, and sharing them with *need to know* people is the best parting gift one can give. Our parents met with us every 3-5 years over their last two decades to review the basics (will/trust, burial plans, ADs), and we invited these conversations in a firm but gentle way. In sum: when Dad died a year ago (after mom), he left everything in good order. Although it was a lot of work for my brother the executor, Mom and Dads final wishes came to fruition and that gave us comfort. Plus knowing their plan helped enormously during the immediate aftermath. As a 63-y/oldster with a 69-y/o spouse, no kids, we have our plans and we update regularly. We hope this to be our final gifts to those who remain. Please, find the strength, kindness and generosity to do this. PS don’t wait until you’re an oldster! Make your first basic plans at age 21 (ish) - and update with meaningful life changes - because as others here have noted, accidents and sudden deaths happen.
In 2007, my brother in law Jim created a family tradition called the Book of Answers in which all his wishes were documented , done to the priest he wanted and the readings he preferred for his funeral mass. Plus all the information his wife would need to run their finances and household after he was gone. His wife and five children were so grateful not to have to second-guess Jim's wishes and compound their grief with arguments.
Soon after his funeral, I had a near death experience which convinced my husband and me to make our own Book of Answers. We continue to revise and update our Books of Answers. Our 5 children know where the books are and in general what they contain.
I teach this in my End of Life circles. Let go of your denial of mortality , be a grownup and give your loved ones the peace of mind of knowing your wishes!
CONSIDER families that are less intimate- no discussion after dinner with wine and tears (as beautiful as this story was). I am a pastor. My suggestion: put your desire for a memorial service (or not) IN WRITING. You put a will in writing, right? A feisty oldster came to my office long ago and told me what she wanted regarding a service in our church (not the funeral home) what song to be played on our 2,000+ pipe organ as well as an Elvis Presley tune, what scripture and favorite poet readings she wanted, what hymn, donation to charity in lieu of flowers, etc. When she passed, her often warring, agnostic daughters sharpened their grieving minds. The deceased got little of what she wanted, down to the service not being in the church. The daughters got their way. No one had a problem with the daughters being agnostic (we are a progressive Protestant denomination) but they seemed to ignore their mother being a Christian. You might be surprised how often the service for the departed becomes about the survivors. That episode inspired me to send a note to all persons in the church inclined to take it seriously, (i.e. oldsters and those facing severe illness) asking about their wishes. Some people wrote their wishes AND wanted to talk to me about the thoughts, feelings and beliefs (or lack thereof) that filling-out the form brought to their surface.
Call me morbid, but I find this topic fascinating! I'm 68, and in addition to our wills and advance medical directives, I've told my reluctant husband and kids all about my wishes, including that if I end up with a painful terminal diagnosis or dementia, I want to be able to choose assisted suicide if/where it's available, and then have a living wake/celebration with all my dear ones before I go. Why wait until I'm dead for them to say all the nice things about me, and share all our funny stories? I don't want to miss any of that! I also want my ashes mixed with wildflower seeds and given to my kids, grandkids and any close friends who want them so they can plant them in their own gardens instead of having to go to some distant spot to "visit" me. I picture those pretty flowers blooming for years wherever people I love are.
To me that is not morbid at all! It shows caring and love towards your family. As someone on the receiving end of having to plan a (very) unexpected funeral, I would not want my loved ones to have to deal with funeral arrangements, trying to locate important documents, trying to get access to bank and other accounts, figuring out the estate, and disposing of earthly belongings in a dignified manner, all while grieving the death of their dearest loved one.
So sorry you had to go through that! My mother modeled this for me, and even with all her good planning, there were challenges when it came to five siblings honoring her wishes. I want to try to spare our daughters that stress.
This is exactly how I feel. I'm 75, we've done the estate planning/updated wills, want death with dignity (without having to go to Switzerland) and a living wake (if timing allows) would be great. I love the mixing ashes with wildflower seeds! Now to just get my daughter (only child) to be OK with talking about it - one more time.
I am 87 andhave a so called Death Plan for Years, undergoing its third or fourth revision, inmy 80's since I thought 84 was about aslong as I might live. Attitudes have changed of my key support team, my daughter married, and my new girlfriend wants to participate, eyc etc. Important to press for a meeting and revisit every year, and consider hiring a Death Doula to make sure you have thought of everything, I did and I am so glad I did. I also highly recommend attending some death cafe's in your area.
Hi, Ruth! What a timely topic. Our son will never broach this topic and, at 54, probably still believes our wills are the extent of it. My 76-year-old husband doesn’t want to think about this stuff. Now I have this wise and not at all dreary piece to show him.
My husband and I, now 74, retired to France in 2014 with newly completed wills and powers of attorney, etc. Then 2 years ago, we were forced to make new wills because of changes to French inheritance laws, which turned out to be a massive bureaucratic hassle costing the amount of a small car.
Having survived breast cancer with a poor prognosis in my mid-30s, I'd been somewhat smug about my capacity to calmly face my own mortality. However, the new-wills process changed me profoundly, as it forced me to squarely face how little time I had left, and this time with no way out. These days, I frequently feel like Wile-e-Coyote at the point when he is over the cliff and suddenly looks down into the abyss.
Making one's final arrangements is an essential exercise, but Oldsters also need to consider the arrangements that might be needed for what might come before. The Washington Post had a wake-up call article on the difficulties faced by elderly people having to care for their elderly spouses, sometimes alone. Timely for those of us who have no children, or children or friends who might otherwise help us at this difficult time.
I turn 70 next week. Oldest daughter has medical PoA and knows my wishes re: don't keep my body going artificially. And she has a copy of my Advanced Directive. My youngest has financial PoA and has a spreadsheet of my asset locations, beneficiary (50/50 split) confirmation, and has keys to safe deposit box and home firebox.
Chose the people filling those roles carefully.
Will has been written, witnessed and both girls have copies ( along with copies of PoA's). I am researching green burials and when that is determined, both girls will know. This year's goal is to write each of them a letter even though we text, talk, travel and visit regularly.
There are free sites for downloading forms. Check your specific state requirements. Most importantly, when you do your asset spreadsheet (no matter if it's $500 or $5000) make sure the beneficiary information is up-to-date. That over rides will information.
When my mom died, she said she didn't care about any service or remembrance because she would be dead. Not helpful. 5wishes.org has a great (free) booklet. Highly recommend.
Live each day to the fullest (and some days that's hanging out in sweatpants and reading all day).
Happy 70th early and your girls are fortunate to have such a generous mother. Helpful info here - thank you! Many people end up paying so much money to the end of life industrial complex (including lawyers, accountants, etc) that could be reduced with a bit of advance preparation and basic organization.
I’m 68 and my husband is 69. We have detailed end of life plans: financial, medical directives, CREMATION, loose thoughts about memorial services. Both of our adult children and our financial advisor, who knows them well, all have copies of everything. This was a very matter of fact process for us, having led my parents through it 20 years ago and seeing the chaos added to grief for friends and family who hadn’t done any of it. I can’t imagine leaving my children to figure out what to do or (as the daughter of a friend did) not even being sure where our bank account was. My father in law paid for everything he could before he died and set aside a good sum to pay the death taxes, which in Colombia are exorbitant. It’s all quite matter of fact for us: this is what you do to make a hard time a little easier.
I don't even know where to begin. I have a will, but that's about it. What if I don't want a memorial service or an obituary? I don't really think I do--and if I did have a service, who would even go? I've moved around a lot and friends are scattered. I hate being the centre of attention, and I'm sure I'll still hate it when dead. I have told my kids (if they even remember, it was a while ago) that I don't care what they do with my carcass, but please please please do not spend money on anything more than a pine box. The funeral industry is rapacious.
Well, this is exactly what my exceedingly shy, probably Buddhist-like mother in law did only I was the only one who noticed: she had yellow sticky notes on the walls of her condo, ( and cartoons like Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side) and as an avid reader :) I would "read her walls". She was very philosophical. She died in a flash,at home reading the paper, and all were shocked, but I knew it would be her preference. The day after she died my FIL when asked had no idea of her preferences, but I did having read her notes: no service, no obituary, no memorial. I showed the sticky note on her wall to everyone, and so her request was met. My only concern is that her ashes are still in a box on a shelf. I am going to be very clear about my wishes out loud, and I do want a green burial, so I can nourish growth or so I tell myself :)
I have yet to do the paperwork for myself, but both my parents' ashes lived in a closet in our home for 15 years. When we had to sell ( it happened to be the family home), my sis & I, & wandering relatives, used my grandmother's flour scoop to distribute ashes under favorite bushes. It ended up being slightly comical & likely illegal given the house was for sale.
Oh, I was sure I was getting ripped off. But my mom was in NJ and I was on the phone from Missouri. They had to take her *somewhere,* so I relied on the referral the police officer gave me.
When it’s my turn, I want all the details in place so my kids can just call a designated facility with whom we’d already determined the fee.
I seem to be in the minority here. I don't have kids, or a husband, just cats and my sisters. I keep starting to organize things, but then I get stuck trying to make the decision for a Power of Attorney, what do I want if I am incapacitated, someone to care for my cats, etc. I've never been good at decisions. My parents had plans but in the end it wasn't as easy as it sounded. I guess it could have been worse though. The only thing I'm sure of is I want to be cremated and I know where my and my pets' ashes are to go. It isn't in writing though. Gotta get this done. I'm now 69.
I'm 61. I have an outdated will. I've talked w my kids and husband about my medical wishes, but what I really need to do and hope to do this year is set up a plan for if I need long-term care. A death from frailty or dementia can take years and consume the lives of children and $10K/month in a care home.
I do not want my children to have to go through what some of my patients and their children are going through. Full time caregiving, even if done gladly and with an open heart, can be a lot, especially if it happens relentlessly for years.
I have spent much of the past year dealing with my mother’s near-complete lack of end-of-life plans. She had a will, but she’d crossed out and updated things without initialing them. She vaguely talked about cremation, and I had to make that decision on the fly. She had next to nothing when she died, so probate’s been less eventful than expected…but those chaotic first few months were enough to insist that we don’t leave our children with that same headache.
We are child-free and this presents another layer of complexity as there is no one to have the "talk" with and this is real scary! I retired a year ago and my #1 project in 20254 was to do my death book especially for my husband as I take care of everything in our lives and I mean everything and he likes it that way and has for years. Shamefully, I did not do it!
Avoidance, acknowledgment of what it means facing, overwhelming, etc. - all excuses I bought a Noxbox, I have various WORD templates to use, I have access to Everplans through a financial planning service I subscribe to. I have no excuses. We have wills, advance directives, funeral plots and $ towards a prepaid service which we rushed to do 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Gratefully still NED.
Being child-free, I worry about who will be our executor and take care of implementation of our wishes and/or help with financial task if/when one/both of us need help. I did this for my parents but I do not have a "me".
The executor in our wills from 2016 is a friend our age (not optimal), has seen moved away (not optimal) and probably forgot he agreed and we are not as close anymore so likely not a good choice anymore. We have no close family left. One of my direct reports who I hired over 30 years ago is a beneficiary. She is a single mom now in her 50's with a special needs son. I am contemplating asking her. I do not like the idea of hiring someone to do this. I have trust issues and what happens if something happens to them.
Anyone else child-free who has figured something out or any resource sor suggestions to share? Thanks.
I'm 85 and it was never a problem to organize these things as my parents were very transparent and organized about them. I redid my will a year ago and I have a free annual update consultation with my lawyer. As a solo ager, I think it's even more important to lay out what I want. I have talked about it at some length in my book GETTING OLDER AND OTHER INDIGNITIES. But to sum up: DNRs, cremation, scattering of ashes in a WARM place, no headstone, party/memorial if people want but wear bright colors!
I’m pretty sure that the reason we can get out of bed in the morning is because we think we’re going to live forever: our beloved mates will never die, our children will never die, we will never die….. NOT true, sadly! In May of 2024 my 77 year old beloved husband of 45 years died of a vicious cancer in 12 days after his diagnosis. We were pretty sure he was going to live forever as his mom lived to 99 (in strong body with very strong mind) and his dad at 94. We were lulled into denial by his long-lived parents. So…. The very good news is that when my 80 year old mom died in 2002 after 9 months of leukemia, she taught us a very important lesson: have your estate in order. She had a trust (and will), my sister was the executor, no probate. Easy street. We could deal with our grief and forget the rest. The month after mom died, at age 51, I hired an estate attorney (husband Dave never wanted to talk about death and dying! Well SOMEONE needs to!! That was always me, also I’ve always been the financial planner in the family, he didn’t want to talk about money either although in his work he dealt with millions of dollars). We created a reversible family trust, wrote wills, Advanced Directives, etc. We decided this was especially important since we traveled a lot, both overseas and in the states. Lots of flying. Lots of driving…. Buses, trains, ferries… Accidents happen all the time!In 2014, we amended the Trust. In September 2023, we amended it again. We don’t have a great deal of money but we do have a home and a cabin on a lake. And a disabled adult daughter. Dave died May 2024. Now I’ve amended the Trust yet again to reflect my current thoughts with Dave dead. All the kids know who our young attorney is, my young CPA. I tell the kids, when I die just sit down with those two and talk. They’ll help you with all the legal stuff. As Dave always would say to me, none of us are getting out of this alive. Now I live with my broken heart - our kids too - but at least our affairs are in order! Thanks for reading this far! Get to work. And read Atul Guwande, Being Mortal. Life-changing read.
Amen on Being Mortal - it puts everything into excellent perspective.
I'm so very, very sorry for the loss of your husband.
Valuable truths here, also so important to amend your documents AS YOUR LIFE CHANGES, because it will. Also, agree that having a trusted CPA and financial advisor, if needed, and introducing those advisors to your executor.
I’m a death doula and see so many fights where nothing has been planned so the loved ones argue about what to do while feeling emotional and overwhelmed. It’s hard enough to just grieve. Making these plans (and talking about them!) is vital to a peaceful death and ultimately a gift of love to the people who must go on living.
Wholeheartedly agree that having plans, evolving as needed, and sharing them with *need to know* people is the best parting gift one can give. Our parents met with us every 3-5 years over their last two decades to review the basics (will/trust, burial plans, ADs), and we invited these conversations in a firm but gentle way. In sum: when Dad died a year ago (after mom), he left everything in good order. Although it was a lot of work for my brother the executor, Mom and Dads final wishes came to fruition and that gave us comfort. Plus knowing their plan helped enormously during the immediate aftermath. As a 63-y/oldster with a 69-y/o spouse, no kids, we have our plans and we update regularly. We hope this to be our final gifts to those who remain. Please, find the strength, kindness and generosity to do this. PS don’t wait until you’re an oldster! Make your first basic plans at age 21 (ish) - and update with meaningful life changes - because as others here have noted, accidents and sudden deaths happen.
So true!
I too am an End of Life Educator/Death Doula.
In 2007, my brother in law Jim created a family tradition called the Book of Answers in which all his wishes were documented , done to the priest he wanted and the readings he preferred for his funeral mass. Plus all the information his wife would need to run their finances and household after he was gone. His wife and five children were so grateful not to have to second-guess Jim's wishes and compound their grief with arguments.
Soon after his funeral, I had a near death experience which convinced my husband and me to make our own Book of Answers. We continue to revise and update our Books of Answers. Our 5 children know where the books are and in general what they contain.
I teach this in my End of Life circles. Let go of your denial of mortality , be a grownup and give your loved ones the peace of mind of knowing your wishes!
Fabulous idea!
Book of Answers…brilliant.
CONSIDER families that are less intimate- no discussion after dinner with wine and tears (as beautiful as this story was). I am a pastor. My suggestion: put your desire for a memorial service (or not) IN WRITING. You put a will in writing, right? A feisty oldster came to my office long ago and told me what she wanted regarding a service in our church (not the funeral home) what song to be played on our 2,000+ pipe organ as well as an Elvis Presley tune, what scripture and favorite poet readings she wanted, what hymn, donation to charity in lieu of flowers, etc. When she passed, her often warring, agnostic daughters sharpened their grieving minds. The deceased got little of what she wanted, down to the service not being in the church. The daughters got their way. No one had a problem with the daughters being agnostic (we are a progressive Protestant denomination) but they seemed to ignore their mother being a Christian. You might be surprised how often the service for the departed becomes about the survivors. That episode inspired me to send a note to all persons in the church inclined to take it seriously, (i.e. oldsters and those facing severe illness) asking about their wishes. Some people wrote their wishes AND wanted to talk to me about the thoughts, feelings and beliefs (or lack thereof) that filling-out the form brought to their surface.
Peace Whenever Possible,
Dwight Lee Wolter
Call me morbid, but I find this topic fascinating! I'm 68, and in addition to our wills and advance medical directives, I've told my reluctant husband and kids all about my wishes, including that if I end up with a painful terminal diagnosis or dementia, I want to be able to choose assisted suicide if/where it's available, and then have a living wake/celebration with all my dear ones before I go. Why wait until I'm dead for them to say all the nice things about me, and share all our funny stories? I don't want to miss any of that! I also want my ashes mixed with wildflower seeds and given to my kids, grandkids and any close friends who want them so they can plant them in their own gardens instead of having to go to some distant spot to "visit" me. I picture those pretty flowers blooming for years wherever people I love are.
I really love the wildflower idea.
To me that is not morbid at all! It shows caring and love towards your family. As someone on the receiving end of having to plan a (very) unexpected funeral, I would not want my loved ones to have to deal with funeral arrangements, trying to locate important documents, trying to get access to bank and other accounts, figuring out the estate, and disposing of earthly belongings in a dignified manner, all while grieving the death of their dearest loved one.
So sorry you had to go through that! My mother modeled this for me, and even with all her good planning, there were challenges when it came to five siblings honoring her wishes. I want to try to spare our daughters that stress.
This is exactly how I feel. I'm 75, we've done the estate planning/updated wills, want death with dignity (without having to go to Switzerland) and a living wake (if timing allows) would be great. I love the mixing ashes with wildflower seeds! Now to just get my daughter (only child) to be OK with talking about it - one more time.
I am 87 andhave a so called Death Plan for Years, undergoing its third or fourth revision, inmy 80's since I thought 84 was about aslong as I might live. Attitudes have changed of my key support team, my daughter married, and my new girlfriend wants to participate, eyc etc. Important to press for a meeting and revisit every year, and consider hiring a Death Doula to make sure you have thought of everything, I did and I am so glad I did. I also highly recommend attending some death cafe's in your area.
Love this recommendation for a Death Doula, at what point did you engage their services?
Hi, Ruth! What a timely topic. Our son will never broach this topic and, at 54, probably still believes our wills are the extent of it. My 76-year-old husband doesn’t want to think about this stuff. Now I have this wise and not at all dreary piece to show him.
My husband and I, now 74, retired to France in 2014 with newly completed wills and powers of attorney, etc. Then 2 years ago, we were forced to make new wills because of changes to French inheritance laws, which turned out to be a massive bureaucratic hassle costing the amount of a small car.
Having survived breast cancer with a poor prognosis in my mid-30s, I'd been somewhat smug about my capacity to calmly face my own mortality. However, the new-wills process changed me profoundly, as it forced me to squarely face how little time I had left, and this time with no way out. These days, I frequently feel like Wile-e-Coyote at the point when he is over the cliff and suddenly looks down into the abyss.
Making one's final arrangements is an essential exercise, but Oldsters also need to consider the arrangements that might be needed for what might come before. The Washington Post had a wake-up call article on the difficulties faced by elderly people having to care for their elderly spouses, sometimes alone. Timely for those of us who have no children, or children or friends who might otherwise help us at this difficult time.
I turn 70 next week. Oldest daughter has medical PoA and knows my wishes re: don't keep my body going artificially. And she has a copy of my Advanced Directive. My youngest has financial PoA and has a spreadsheet of my asset locations, beneficiary (50/50 split) confirmation, and has keys to safe deposit box and home firebox.
Chose the people filling those roles carefully.
Will has been written, witnessed and both girls have copies ( along with copies of PoA's). I am researching green burials and when that is determined, both girls will know. This year's goal is to write each of them a letter even though we text, talk, travel and visit regularly.
There are free sites for downloading forms. Check your specific state requirements. Most importantly, when you do your asset spreadsheet (no matter if it's $500 or $5000) make sure the beneficiary information is up-to-date. That over rides will information.
When my mom died, she said she didn't care about any service or remembrance because she would be dead. Not helpful. 5wishes.org has a great (free) booklet. Highly recommend.
Live each day to the fullest (and some days that's hanging out in sweatpants and reading all day).
Happy 70th early and your girls are fortunate to have such a generous mother. Helpful info here - thank you! Many people end up paying so much money to the end of life industrial complex (including lawyers, accountants, etc) that could be reduced with a bit of advance preparation and basic organization.
I’m 68 and my husband is 69. We have detailed end of life plans: financial, medical directives, CREMATION, loose thoughts about memorial services. Both of our adult children and our financial advisor, who knows them well, all have copies of everything. This was a very matter of fact process for us, having led my parents through it 20 years ago and seeing the chaos added to grief for friends and family who hadn’t done any of it. I can’t imagine leaving my children to figure out what to do or (as the daughter of a friend did) not even being sure where our bank account was. My father in law paid for everything he could before he died and set aside a good sum to pay the death taxes, which in Colombia are exorbitant. It’s all quite matter of fact for us: this is what you do to make a hard time a little easier.
I don't even know where to begin. I have a will, but that's about it. What if I don't want a memorial service or an obituary? I don't really think I do--and if I did have a service, who would even go? I've moved around a lot and friends are scattered. I hate being the centre of attention, and I'm sure I'll still hate it when dead. I have told my kids (if they even remember, it was a while ago) that I don't care what they do with my carcass, but please please please do not spend money on anything more than a pine box. The funeral industry is rapacious.
Well, this is exactly what my exceedingly shy, probably Buddhist-like mother in law did only I was the only one who noticed: she had yellow sticky notes on the walls of her condo, ( and cartoons like Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side) and as an avid reader :) I would "read her walls". She was very philosophical. She died in a flash,at home reading the paper, and all were shocked, but I knew it would be her preference. The day after she died my FIL when asked had no idea of her preferences, but I did having read her notes: no service, no obituary, no memorial. I showed the sticky note on her wall to everyone, and so her request was met. My only concern is that her ashes are still in a box on a shelf. I am going to be very clear about my wishes out loud, and I do want a green burial, so I can nourish growth or so I tell myself :)
I hope I manage to exit like that--reading one of my favourite books, sipping coffee (or Baileys!) and then-- Boom and adios amigos.
Don’t we all …
I have yet to do the paperwork for myself, but both my parents' ashes lived in a closet in our home for 15 years. When we had to sell ( it happened to be the family home), my sis & I, & wandering relatives, used my grandmother's flour scoop to distribute ashes under favorite bushes. It ended up being slightly comical & likely illegal given the house was for sale.
Oh yes. It cost $4000+ just to have my mom’s cremation done. It’s insanely expensive to die, I’ve learned.
$4,000? I had to have my younger brother cremated in February 2025, and it cost $1,999.
Oh, I was sure I was getting ripped off. But my mom was in NJ and I was on the phone from Missouri. They had to take her *somewhere,* so I relied on the referral the police officer gave me.
When it’s my turn, I want all the details in place so my kids can just call a designated facility with whom we’d already determined the fee.
Wow. That's ridiculous.
I seem to be in the minority here. I don't have kids, or a husband, just cats and my sisters. I keep starting to organize things, but then I get stuck trying to make the decision for a Power of Attorney, what do I want if I am incapacitated, someone to care for my cats, etc. I've never been good at decisions. My parents had plans but in the end it wasn't as easy as it sounded. I guess it could have been worse though. The only thing I'm sure of is I want to be cremated and I know where my and my pets' ashes are to go. It isn't in writing though. Gotta get this done. I'm now 69.
We are child-free and no close family. O worry about this too.
I'm 61. I have an outdated will. I've talked w my kids and husband about my medical wishes, but what I really need to do and hope to do this year is set up a plan for if I need long-term care. A death from frailty or dementia can take years and consume the lives of children and $10K/month in a care home.
I do not want my children to have to go through what some of my patients and their children are going through. Full time caregiving, even if done gladly and with an open heart, can be a lot, especially if it happens relentlessly for years.
I have spent much of the past year dealing with my mother’s near-complete lack of end-of-life plans. She had a will, but she’d crossed out and updated things without initialing them. She vaguely talked about cremation, and I had to make that decision on the fly. She had next to nothing when she died, so probate’s been less eventful than expected…but those chaotic first few months were enough to insist that we don’t leave our children with that same headache.
We are child-free and this presents another layer of complexity as there is no one to have the "talk" with and this is real scary! I retired a year ago and my #1 project in 20254 was to do my death book especially for my husband as I take care of everything in our lives and I mean everything and he likes it that way and has for years. Shamefully, I did not do it!
Avoidance, acknowledgment of what it means facing, overwhelming, etc. - all excuses I bought a Noxbox, I have various WORD templates to use, I have access to Everplans through a financial planning service I subscribe to. I have no excuses. We have wills, advance directives, funeral plots and $ towards a prepaid service which we rushed to do 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Gratefully still NED.
Being child-free, I worry about who will be our executor and take care of implementation of our wishes and/or help with financial task if/when one/both of us need help. I did this for my parents but I do not have a "me".
The executor in our wills from 2016 is a friend our age (not optimal), has seen moved away (not optimal) and probably forgot he agreed and we are not as close anymore so likely not a good choice anymore. We have no close family left. One of my direct reports who I hired over 30 years ago is a beneficiary. She is a single mom now in her 50's with a special needs son. I am contemplating asking her. I do not like the idea of hiring someone to do this. I have trust issues and what happens if something happens to them.
Anyone else child-free who has figured something out or any resource sor suggestions to share? Thanks.
I'm 85 and it was never a problem to organize these things as my parents were very transparent and organized about them. I redid my will a year ago and I have a free annual update consultation with my lawyer. As a solo ager, I think it's even more important to lay out what I want. I have talked about it at some length in my book GETTING OLDER AND OTHER INDIGNITIES. But to sum up: DNRs, cremation, scattering of ashes in a WARM place, no headstone, party/memorial if people want but wear bright colors!
Great post and very inspiring to anyone who hasn't planned yet. Bravo! My plans are in order and I update them regularly.