I crashed into menopause at 40, after losing my ovaries and uterus (and various other organs) to peritonitis (caused by an IUD). I was told my bones would get brittle, my teeth would fall out, I'd get various cancers. But I'm 87 and none of those things happened. What did happen was - I found freedom. My body dried out, my mind cleared, my depression drifted off after more interesting prey. Like Schwartz, I found my own kind of peace, and have been writing my life ever since. My more-than-half my life. I'm proud of my scars. They are my roadmap.
Absolutely beautiful -- thank you for this. I appreciate it as I'm an also-grandchildless woman on the early section of this part of the journey, but also having just returned from visiting my young adult child and feeling freaked out about how they are going to make their way, and whether I've given them enough of the tools they need. Nice reminder that we're not done yet.
I took my young body and face and hair for granted, only finding fault with them, as the mass media of the '50s and '60s trained me to do. If only.... Now I try to keep in shape and not present myself cosmetically as an old lady fooling no one. Until four years ago, I taught college, and I miss having my students, sometimes the unlikeliest ones, ask me a pretense of a question after class and then open up to me. It was my age that encouraged them, though they'd probably have gasped to hear I was in my 70s. Sometimes, I'd steer them to counseling, but usually they just needed to put something into words and not have their listener be astonished. Occasionally, age works.
You must be a walking “safe place”. Many young people do not get the welcome they deserve in their own families. An accepting adult can be a literal lifesaver. Thank you. 💐
You nailed the dry, thinning and sexless void of menopause! I recall the horror on my 30-something mycologist's face when she told me I had "vaginal atrophy" and my only reaction was a dumbfounded "But I'm not done using it!"
What a beautiful essay. Thank you for your grandmother gentle wisdom. I’m in my 70’s and, now single/divorced, having lots of medical issues due to anal cancer treatment that left me unable to function sexually and eat solid food, yet i feel more love and acceptance for the world and i hold awareness of the quiet wisdom that, if embraced, can shed light on young lives 🙏
I heard a cool podcast about the orca, grandmother hypothesis. Thanks for embedding it in this beautiful essay. I'm forwarding it to my sister. Your memoir looks awesome, too. I will check that out. Thanks for still being alive, and seeking ways to share your wisdom, not just with grandkids but with the rest of us.
I remember coming across the book Flash Count Diary by Darcey Steinke in 2019 - when I was deep on my active menopause. She spoke about matriarchal whales and their importance in the family pod. I love how Leslie wrote about it here. And I’m excited to be introduced to Leslie’s work. I hope to meet you one day in the West Fjords! We love that area of the world so much. I also lead writing trips in Iceland!
Oh and I’m left wondering if going on estrogen is something you would want to do. At 62 I feel I have both the benefits of post menopausal wise woman and a pliable body.
Never-mind molars, the question arises, how does wit survive Icelandic detachment? The silences must be staggering. Forget your dentists. Seek a witty Orca.
Fascinating -- I didn't know female orcas go through menopause. Now I'm wondering about elephants, another matriarchal, intelligent, and social species . . .
I looked it up. Elephants don't go through menopause and can still bear young into their later years, although their reproduction rates go down with age. And they can live past 60!
This is my favorite post yet. How relevant and joyous. And sure, there are other ways to live purposefully but these ideas may contain the greatest heart. Thanks. Anne-Marie
Unfortunately, we don't live in a matriarchal society like the orca. There's no guarantee that the elderly female human is going to be with her "pod" until she dies, or that her skills and expertise will be put to use. Further, reproducing-age orcas don't get their advice from social media, discarding wisdom and experience for what's trending. I like the story but sadly don't have much hope for humans.
i hear you. while I appreciate those who are hopeful, I too tend to think I won't ever join their ranks. But I want everyone who can be hopeful to be hopeful.
Devine feminine is so needed and necessary to be sure. I was one who fortunately did not have many symptoms of this transition into the menopause stage. In fact I didn’t even know until one year of no periods of which I personally found so freeing albeit the year monthly count down of will I get or won’t I could be a subliminal mental hijack of it’s own having gotten a final one on the year mark only to start it all over again. My symptoms were minimal also as far as hot flashes comparatively so again thankful for that as well. I’ve always been one to embrace change though in others and especially within myself. We might not get our periods, hormonal levels change as with men also and other things but I embrace the rediscovery of myself and talents. I and most others still have so much to contribute to the world and society. The real problems as I see it is that far to many do not listen or appreciate our contributions, experience or wisdom/s. I also find many of us still so sexy, hot, mischievous, adventurous,intelligent/wise, not willing to put up with bs our lives and time are too precious for that and willing to speak (or write) our minds and truth without caring what certain people might think about that. That imo is so hot in itself, again as you’ve written so eloquently or as with the ocra you’ve mentioned ya can’t take or steal our wombs either. My momtra or m.o. is to remain young at heart and if you live to be to 103, here is the best part, you’ll have a head start if you are among the very young at heart. Heck I see people younger than me that behave or look older if one can even tell anymore with all the filters and other. Nothing worse than old, stodgy, self centered, greedy ass, selfish or unkind hearts. Aging gracefully, kind and authentic always first for me.
"I am both relentlessly heartbroken and hopeful. " Exactly this.
💗
Thank you, Neko.
I crashed into menopause at 40, after losing my ovaries and uterus (and various other organs) to peritonitis (caused by an IUD). I was told my bones would get brittle, my teeth would fall out, I'd get various cancers. But I'm 87 and none of those things happened. What did happen was - I found freedom. My body dried out, my mind cleared, my depression drifted off after more interesting prey. Like Schwartz, I found my own kind of peace, and have been writing my life ever since. My more-than-half my life. I'm proud of my scars. They are my roadmap.
How wonderful! And that you're writing at 87 cheers me, at 89, no end.
Correction: I'm a better writer than typist — I'm only 80.
Love it.
And look at you! At 89!
Er . . . 80
Subscribing to you now, Sallie! We need more liberated woman elders on Substack!
I will get a sub up eventually. Long learning curve. And thanks.
You’re amazing
What a wonderful account!
I left out the bad parts! Like soaking a mattress when I went into surgical menopause. But it was all worth it.
oh, dear. I hope someone was there to move you and dry you off. And I'm glad it was all worth it!
Oh this is such a wonderful read as I am navigating this terrain. Thank you 🐋
Same here- not sure what I expected but this wonderful essay voices some surprises
Absolutely beautiful -- thank you for this. I appreciate it as I'm an also-grandchildless woman on the early section of this part of the journey, but also having just returned from visiting my young adult child and feeling freaked out about how they are going to make their way, and whether I've given them enough of the tools they need. Nice reminder that we're not done yet.
I took my young body and face and hair for granted, only finding fault with them, as the mass media of the '50s and '60s trained me to do. If only.... Now I try to keep in shape and not present myself cosmetically as an old lady fooling no one. Until four years ago, I taught college, and I miss having my students, sometimes the unlikeliest ones, ask me a pretense of a question after class and then open up to me. It was my age that encouraged them, though they'd probably have gasped to hear I was in my 70s. Sometimes, I'd steer them to counseling, but usually they just needed to put something into words and not have their listener be astonished. Occasionally, age works.
You must be a walking “safe place”. Many young people do not get the welcome they deserve in their own families. An accepting adult can be a literal lifesaver. Thank you. 💐
And thank *you,* Ali, for taking the time to tell me this.
You nailed the dry, thinning and sexless void of menopause! I recall the horror on my 30-something mycologist's face when she told me I had "vaginal atrophy" and my only reaction was a dumbfounded "But I'm not done using it!"
What a beautiful essay. Thank you for your grandmother gentle wisdom. I’m in my 70’s and, now single/divorced, having lots of medical issues due to anal cancer treatment that left me unable to function sexually and eat solid food, yet i feel more love and acceptance for the world and i hold awareness of the quiet wisdom that, if embraced, can shed light on young lives 🙏
I heard a cool podcast about the orca, grandmother hypothesis. Thanks for embedding it in this beautiful essay. I'm forwarding it to my sister. Your memoir looks awesome, too. I will check that out. Thanks for still being alive, and seeking ways to share your wisdom, not just with grandkids but with the rest of us.
I remember coming across the book Flash Count Diary by Darcey Steinke in 2019 - when I was deep on my active menopause. She spoke about matriarchal whales and their importance in the family pod. I love how Leslie wrote about it here. And I’m excited to be introduced to Leslie’s work. I hope to meet you one day in the West Fjords! We love that area of the world so much. I also lead writing trips in Iceland!
Oh and I’m left wondering if going on estrogen is something you would want to do. At 62 I feel I have both the benefits of post menopausal wise woman and a pliable body.
Yeah I was going to mention this book too. Orca-themed
Lmk when you’re in Westfjords. Would love to meet you.
Never-mind molars, the question arises, how does wit survive Icelandic detachment? The silences must be staggering. Forget your dentists. Seek a witty Orca.
Fascinating -- I didn't know female orcas go through menopause. Now I'm wondering about elephants, another matriarchal, intelligent, and social species . . .
I have that question, too. Anybody know about elephants?
I looked it up. Elephants don't go through menopause and can still bear young into their later years, although their reproduction rates go down with age. And they can live past 60!
Excellent. . . . . "a grand canyon of compassion and empathy." I love it
This is my favorite post yet. How relevant and joyous. And sure, there are other ways to live purposefully but these ideas may contain the greatest heart. Thanks. Anne-Marie
Unfortunately, we don't live in a matriarchal society like the orca. There's no guarantee that the elderly female human is going to be with her "pod" until she dies, or that her skills and expertise will be put to use. Further, reproducing-age orcas don't get their advice from social media, discarding wisdom and experience for what's trending. I like the story but sadly don't have much hope for humans.
I live with my mom and daughter. Our pod is strong. 💪
I got just the opposite message. We haven't all gone over to the enemy!
i hear you. while I appreciate those who are hopeful, I too tend to think I won't ever join their ranks. But I want everyone who can be hopeful to be hopeful.
Devine feminine is so needed and necessary to be sure. I was one who fortunately did not have many symptoms of this transition into the menopause stage. In fact I didn’t even know until one year of no periods of which I personally found so freeing albeit the year monthly count down of will I get or won’t I could be a subliminal mental hijack of it’s own having gotten a final one on the year mark only to start it all over again. My symptoms were minimal also as far as hot flashes comparatively so again thankful for that as well. I’ve always been one to embrace change though in others and especially within myself. We might not get our periods, hormonal levels change as with men also and other things but I embrace the rediscovery of myself and talents. I and most others still have so much to contribute to the world and society. The real problems as I see it is that far to many do not listen or appreciate our contributions, experience or wisdom/s. I also find many of us still so sexy, hot, mischievous, adventurous,intelligent/wise, not willing to put up with bs our lives and time are too precious for that and willing to speak (or write) our minds and truth without caring what certain people might think about that. That imo is so hot in itself, again as you’ve written so eloquently or as with the ocra you’ve mentioned ya can’t take or steal our wombs either. My momtra or m.o. is to remain young at heart and if you live to be to 103, here is the best part, you’ll have a head start if you are among the very young at heart. Heck I see people younger than me that behave or look older if one can even tell anymore with all the filters and other. Nothing worse than old, stodgy, self centered, greedy ass, selfish or unkind hearts. Aging gracefully, kind and authentic always first for me.
Sharing this with my younger sister who just lost her 3rd molar, but continues to be a helper/leader to her family and neighbors.